10 Things To Know About Depression (part 2)

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(This is part two of my post on 10 Things To Know About Depression. Click above for part one.)

6. People struggling with depression who are also suicidal do not always need hospitalisation or a trip to the ER.

A common misconception with regard to suicidal thinking is that the person who is experiencing it is suddenly in need of super intensive intervention like a trip to the ER or being admitted inpatient. True, this is sometimes necessary, but most of the time, what a person struggling with suicidal thoughts needs is someone to listen to them and show that they care. If someone you know tells you that they are struggling with suicidal thoughts, the most beneficial thing you can do for them in most cases is stay with them (or find someone else to stay with them), listen to them and encourage them to keep talking. Let them know how loved, important, and needed they are, and remain with them until such time as these thoughts pass. The thing most people do not understand about actively suicidal thinking is that, for the most part, it encompasses a rather narrow window of time and if you can help a person find their way through that window to the other side, then you give them another day to live and love and fight this illness. 

Of course, there certainly are times when intensive intervention is necessary, but it MUST be done in a way that respects the person's dignity and humanity and doesn't make the situation worse. For more information on how to help someone who is suicidal, please read my post on Understanding More About Suicide.

One final note on this topic of depression and suicide. Should someone you know ever admit that they have survived intense suicidal contemplation, a near-attempt, or an actual attempt, the ONLY acceptable response is one that is supportive and loving. Even if your initial reaction is anger or outrage, it is better to keep those feelings to yourself. When someone is vulnerable enough to admit such an intensely personal thing to you, it is because they trust you to offer love and support. I have had the unfortunate experience of someone I trusted like this to basically angrily chew me out for it and then heap a metric ton of guilt on me besides. That single conversation irrevocably changed our friendship to an acquaintance relationship and so deeply wounded me that I am still working through letting go of the anger that sprung up in the wake of this one conversation.

7. Don't expect someone who is struggling with depression to reach out when they need support.

Depression is exhausting. There are days that I have operated on 2-3 hours of sleep thanks to insomnia (a common symptom of depression) and it is absolutely all I can do to take care of our kids and see to the most basic of my own personal needs. People who are struggling with depression often struggle to ask for help or support even when they have more energy and when they are exhausted, they struggle all the more. 

When someone admits that they're struggling with this, it is a kind thing to tell them that you're there for them if they need you, but it isn't helpful unless you take the initiative. I don't mean that you ought to force your help on them, but once you know that they're struggling, perhaps call them occasionally and check on them. Offer to bring over a meal one night or take care of their kids for an afternoon so they can catch a nap or help them catch up on laundry or dishes. Send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. If you feel the relationship is close enough, offer to go with them to the doctor or therapist and lend moral support in the waiting room. The key in all of this is to extend the hand of support and allow the person to take it or leave it as they need or feel able. 

Above all, don't get offended if your offer of help is refused. Sometimes a person has all the help they need or they just don't feel up to visitors or anything. They will appreciate that you offered -- I promise.

8. A person is not depressed; a person has depression.

This probably seems like I'm splitting hairs, but it's a really important distinction. Another way to put it is that a person who has depression is not their illness. As Gray tells me when I start self-identifying too much with my illness, "This isn't you. This is the depression, not you." A person who has depression is still a person. Think of it this way, we don't say of a person with breast cancer that "she's cancered" so why do we do it with depression? Both cancer and depression are bodily illnesses that need treatment, but the way we tend to reduce a person with depression to an embodiment of their illness is wrong because it is totally counterproductive when it comes to helping a person recover from a depressive episode or learn to manage their depression. 

Depression is such an internal illness inasmuch as it has to do with thinking and emotions that a person struggling with it can easily lose themselves in it. I know this is very true for me and as such, one of the strategies Pendragon has employed is to try to help me separate myself from the illness and view it as a sort of separate entity which takes some of the power away from the illness and makes it easier to fight.

9. There are no miracle cures for depression, although with proper treatment, it can be successfully managed so that it goes into a kind of remission.

Anyone who tells you that they "cured" their depression with some kind of special diet or essential oils or the latest holistic organic health regimen was probably not suffering with medically diagnosed depression in the first place. I'm not saying that those things are of no value to someone with major depressive disorder, but that true depression isn't something that can be cured by the latest thing to come down the pike. 

I'm also not saying that everyone needs pharmaceuticals (there are some people like myself who do not find them effective at all), but rather that with major depressive disorder, there are generally underlying cognitive behavioural issues at play which need to be uncovered and addressed within the context of talk therapy. A healthy diet and essential oils may help alleviate some symptoms of depression, but they are not a cure in and of themselves and should be considered as adjunct assistance to primary treatment options.

10. Depression affects the loved ones of the person struggling with it.

If you know someone struggling with depression -- especially if their depression is severe or has been ongoing for a long period of time -- it is affecting not only that person but those around them who are living with them, loving them, and caring for them. I know from personal experience how true this is. My beloved and wonderfully supportive husband Gray has been, in a kind of way, a caregiver to me during the last two years as I have been (and am currently) going through a particularly long and arduous depressive episode. He has washed clothes and dishes, mowed grass, made meals, overseen kids, put kids to bed, taken out garbage, and worked a full-time office job that requires a significant degree of mental concentration and effort -- and all of this is on top of hours spent listening to me when I've needed to talk, holding me when I've cried, keeping me safe when, frankly, I was out of my mind, trying to make sure I eat and shower and sleep, encouraging me to share certain things with Pendragon, and to get out of the house to be with my best girlfriend Sif or go to choir. He has prayed for me, worried about me, and done everything in his power to help me in any way he can and he has done most of this without complaining, but I know it's taken a toll on him. His hair has grayed a lot in the last couple of years and he's much more tired these days than he used to be. I know all of this is very hard for him at times and quite honestly, he could do with some outside support.

I also know that my depression has affected my children. We actually had a chat about it over dinner one night and Gray told the girls that mommy is sick and that's why she's always tired and often grumpy. AB, our middle girl, spoke up and said, "and why she's so snappy all the time too, right?" I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. We are actually planning a sit down with our girls, the two of us, and Pendragon to talk about my illness and let them ask any questions they might have about it, to help them understand it better.

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I know this was a long read, but I hope that perhaps it helps you understand a little bit more about the nature of depression and how to help and support those in your life who struggle with it.