***
How many nights have I been in this wee hours' stillness?
How many of those nights have I waited for You to make your presence known to me?
How many of those nights have seen me with tears streaming down my face in anger and sadness and frustration because You won't come near?
My soul has been so un-still for such a long time. I have wanted to rest in Your stillness, but no matter how often I seek Your face, You are silent.
I have tried to listen in the silence. I have craned my ears, desperately searching for some whisper of You in this dark place. But Your voice is no where to be found. My eyes search for You. My voice calls out for You over and over and over and over. I have begged You from the depths of my being to come and lift me from this place, to let me come close to You again and touch the hem of your garment that I might find healing.
But there is no rest for me. There is no still. There is only silence again and again.
I have searched for you in stillness.
I have been brave.
I have kept my promises.
I have chosen life over and over again when everything in me wanted to swallow down death like water.
I have pursued You even when it was supreme agony for me.
I have followed Your commands and Your desires for me.
I have put my trust in the fact that I know You are there despite my inability to feel You or see You or have any indication of Your presence.
But I am tired. And I need the still, steady peace of Your Holy Spirit to pour over my hurts and bathe every one in Your healing balm. I need Your still hands to bandage my spirit's wounds. I need the stillness of physical, mental, and emotional rest.
I want to believe You still hear me. I want to believe that You still care. But I don't know You anymore. I don't know who You are anymore or where You are or if I will ever fully trust You again.
I want all of these things, but I am still angry.
****
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Sweet friend and neighbor at #FMFparty, your post is beautiful and transparent. As I read it, I was reminded of the Psalms where David poured out his hurting heart to God. God is big enough to absorb our hurts. I pray your heart will sense the nearness of Jesus. I pray you will feel His arms around you like a warm blanket.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope He hears your prayers. I miss my soul's best friend.
DeleteThank you for sharing your raw and honest prayers here.
ReplyDelete"But I am tired. And I need the still, steady peace of Your Holy Spirit to pour over my hurts and bathe every one in Your healing balm. I need Your still hands to bandage my spirit's wounds. I need the stillness of physical, mental, and emotional rest."
I pray that you feel God gives you the rest and comfort that you need in real and tangible ways very soon.
Thank you, I appreciate that so much.
DeleteSo much honesty in this post my friend! Thanks for continuing to be brave!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your continuous encouragement and kind words. I am grateful for your friendship!
DeleteLove your honesty. ---------- Lord, make yourself known to our sweet friend. Show her in the unexpected, in the small and the ordinary that you love her more than she could ever know. Amen
ReplyDeleteThank you, Robyn.
DeleteYou words are like oneo f David's honest Psalms. The only difference is that at the end of his tearful cries to experience the nearness of God he says "Still I will Praise you..." And you ended with "but I am still angry." There is no judgement here, I am just noticing the slight difference. Praying right that in the stillness you do hear His kind and loving voice. Praying that in the stillness you find the balm His Holy Spirit nearness provides. And that in all circumstances you and I both learn to praise Him... STILL.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why even David's most honest Psalms don't resonate with me. I've been through a lot. It's hard to explain in a reply comment, but maybe I'll write about it sometime soon. Thank you for the prayers and your kind words.
DeleteFriend, praying for you. This Sunday our pastor said, "The enemy wants you to rely on your feelings rather than faith." It's been such a painful and yet needed reminder for me all week. And this morning as I read the Bible God spoke to me saying, "Our mindset is armor, and this is war." I hope this can encourage you like it did me. Keep fighting sister. Keep fighting to trust God. Keep fighting to believe truth when you can't feel it. God knows and He is fighting for you.
ReplyDeleteAlesha <3
Thank you. My friend Chez likes to remind me that "feelings are not revelatory of truth" which is to say that feelings are fickle and not always based in the reality of truth. Sometimes it's hard to hear that because the feelings are so painful, but I know he's right. It's hard, you know?
DeleteI appreciate your honesty. I pray that He won't be silent much longer.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Melissa.
DeleteI have a hard time with silence. With my grandmother, I could sit with her on the porch swing and feel fullness, completeness as we'd sit there together. This past summer, one night when there was a meteor shower, I sat outside late, watching the stars, wanting to hear Him - wanting solutions, answers, lifting out of uncomfortable circumstances. I'm learning it's all about his timing and while I wait - to learn to find the fullness in the silence, like sitting with my grandmother on a porch swing. Praying for you, Melissa, that you receive what you need, that you find the fullness in time with Him! Shalom!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I know what you mean about grandmothers :) I miss both of mine so much. My mom's mom wasn't the sit on the porch swing together kind, but my dad's mom was. I remember sitting outside with my Mema on her screened-in back porch gently swaying in the swing and chatting so easily about everything and anything. It is hard to wait on His timing though, you know? Peace be with you too.
DeleteOh you. I feel for you. Sending you all my positive energy and good thoughts.
ReplyDelete