Day Twenty-one: Owning My Anger

It is almost a month now since I have been home from Pine View and I just "graduated" from Green Tree's partial hospitalisation program about a week ago. Since I only got through two full days of the program when I began it before my stint at Pine View, they just restarted me from the beginning. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to be allowed to go back.

After I came home that Monday, I had a meeting at 9am that Wednesday with Dr. Bartlett to evaluate me before I came back to the program. I was told that after his evaluation, he'd sign off on my readmission and I'd begin that day. I arrived at the meeting early and was told that he was downstairs (in their alternate clinic) with a patient and was running a bit behind, so he might be a little late. I sat down to wait in the program break room. 9:00, 9:30, and 10:00 all came and went. Around 10:25, he came walking through the break room and told me that he'd be with me in just a minute and then disappeared into the front office.

After waiting over an hour and a half, I was more than a little angry. Thanks to how everything went down before I went to Pine View, I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to come back to the partial hospitalisation program but had decided to ignore my feelings of anger, betrayal, and distrust and come back to pursue the good information and coping skills that I knew the program could provide. The meeting didn't exactly go well.

When Dr. Bartlett had asked me how I was doing, I started off with "I'm okay. Tired," and then something inside me snapped and I reversed course and said, "No, I'm not okay. I'm angry. I'm really angry. I'm angry with Samantha, you, and the rest of the people here at Green Tree, but I'm here and I'm ready to work despite it. I didn't come for Samantha or you or anyone else. I came to take what this program can offer and use it to help me get better." I'll admit, my voice was quivering and I was on the verge of tears, so I'm sure I looked like a complete lunatic, but it is a testimony to my restraint that I didn't fill his ears full of all the expletives that were rushing through my head. He tried to pacify me and say that he was "sorry I felt that way" but that was really the exact wrong thing to say. I told him I felt like the people at Green Tree had betrayed my trust and pressured me into doing something that I had been adamantly and vociferously against. I told him that I felt like they only insisted that I go inpatient because they were trying to cover their asses legally and that it wasn't out of any concern or care for me or anyone else. His weak rejoinder was, "But you brought a weapon to partial!" I looked at him for a moment, utterly incredulous at his assertion.

"A weapon? Are you kidding me? Seriously? A weapon? It was a bleedin' x-acto knife and a tiny one at that. It was maybe a good 1/2" long," I replied. If I hadn't been so angry already, I would have found the whole thing hysterical. Instead, it just increased my anger. He repeated the party line about it being a weapon and said something about how they couldn't take a chance that I would use it to hurt someone else. "But the only person I wanted to hurt was ME. I was suicidal, not homicidal. There is a difference, you know," I replied testily. He just reiterated his previous statement and then made some comment about how he could really see how angry I was and that maybe it would be best if I took another week and let the meds they had started me on in the hospital have another week to take effect and get me more stabilized. Oh my <string of expletives>....I would love to throat punch this guy right about now. If one more person uses that phrase about meds and getting stable, I may lose my mind and my ability to control myself....

I managed to rein in my anger and said very tersely, "Look, Dr. Bartlett. I know I'm angry. I'm angry as hell. But I also know myself and I'm determined to do the work that I need to in order to get better -- regardless of how I feel about you or the rest of the staff here personally. I also know that another week isn't going to change that. This is about as stable as it gets. Another week on this medication isn't going to change my anger. It may increase my appetite or give me a little more sleep at night, but it's not going to change the fact that ALL of you dropped the fucking ball and screwed me over and that yeah, I'm angry about that. The only thing that is going to lessen my anger is a lot of time and probably a lot of therapy with a competent therapist who doesn't throw me under the bus when the going gets a little rough. I need to get back to this sooner rather than later. Another week isn't going to change jack squat," I replied.

He looked very taken aback and mumbled something about it not being up to him. I told him that I had been led to believe that after meeting with him that all that was required was for him to sign off on my readmission paperwork and I could get started immediately. He shook his head and said that it was a "team decision" and that he'd have to consult with the team in their staff meeting and that someone would be in touch with me later in the day to let me know their decision about when I could start back. I was so stunned and angry by this turn of events that it was all I could do to not just walk out of his office. There were several phrases going through my head and the majority of them started with the f-bomb, but instead of giving voice to them, I just said that I really wanted to be a part of this program because I knew it could help me. He said he would take that desire into consideration when making his recommendation to the "team." After this, the meeting was over.

I was so angry that as I left, I forced the door to slam behind me even though it was one of these doors designed to prevent slamming. I know it made me look like a temper tantrum throwing two year old but in the heat of the moment I didn't really care. I just wanted the entire office to feel at least a portion of my anger. It didn't help me feel a whole lot better, but then, anger is rarely rational or cool headed. After a good scream of rage, lots of tears, a conversation with Gray, and about 20 minutes running as fast as I could on a treadmill at the YMCA, I finally got the crazy "I-want-to-lay-waste-to-anything-in-my-path" destructive anger out of my system and was left feeling a lesser form of anger and a whole lot of pain. Thankfully, Balinda had flown down the day before and was able to help with our girls and the day to day chores and she and I had a good talk about everything too. She suggested I call Pendragon and set up an appointment with him, especially given that I had wanted to see him anyway to try to start the process of working through everything that had happened to me. I wound up doing just that and that helped soothe some of my anger, just thinking about getting a chance to talk to the one person at Green Tree who has never let me down.

After that meeting with Dr. Bartlett, my phone didn't ring that day with the decision of the "team." It didn't ring the next day either. I finally called them and talked with Samantha. I would have just said "screw them and their program" but I so firmly believed that it had the potential to help me and there was a part of me that wanted to prove to them and myself that I could face them despite my anger and actually get something out of the program. Samantha went to bat for me and got a decision before the end of the week. I was to start the following Monday. And so I did.

I'd like to tell you that I proved them all wrong and that I managed to get something out of the experience that was helpful. About the only positive thing that came from it was that I got some closure with Samantha and was able to forgive her for her part in what happened to me. She had tried to advocate for me in the meeting that led to my discharge and subsequent inpatient stint, but had been overruled by the program director. When I graduated last week, I hugged her and wished her well. I wish I could say that forgiveness of one individual lessened my depression or helped me let go of my anger with Green Tree and their staff, but it didn't.

For now though, I look forward to my final appointment later this week with Pendragon at his office at Green Tree. He's leaving them and going into private practice. While there is a part of me that is a little nervous about his leaving them and how that will affect our therapeutic relationship, there is a part of me that is shouting the phrase that we end Mass with -- thanks be to God!!