Update: Follow and Write

Do you ever find yourself wondering what on earth you were thinking when you made a particular decision? 

Maybe you are in the midst of planning something or in the thick of putting those plans into action and you hit a major snag that throws everything out of joint. 

Don't you hate it when this happens? Maybe snags in hosiery is why the bare legged look is more en vogue these days. I still like the look of pantyhose, but don't wear them except in certain very rare situations because they're hot!

Maybe everything is going along well, without a hitch, and suddenly life not only hands you lemons but starts throwing them at you and you realize that you've totally forgotten the recipe for lemonade.

This sounds like a lot more fun than lemonade! Plus, instant friend! Also, the grammar nerd in me feels compelled to tell you that I did not add the words to this card. It's "whose" not "who's." #grammarnerdsRus

Maybe you're doing what it is you wanted to do and it hits you that this thing you were so excited about initially has fallen flat and lost its lustre.

For all those times when you're not really happy or sad or excited and you just feel kinda flat.

Maybe, just maybe, you get through your plans, everything goes well, you feel excited by the prospect of it and when it's over, you find yourself feeling let down and defeated.

Oh Fredo...you break his heart every time. Okay, I know this isn't the best picture of defeated or feeling discouraged, but it's The Godfather (part 2). I mean, classic cinema -- how could I not?

All of these things happen to me more often than I'd like to admit.

It's why I have tons of quilting and knitting UFOs (that's unfinished objects) and blog post drafts that sit in my list of posts unfinished and unpublished.

It's why I usually have a good four books going at once and why I sometimes start a book and put it down totally midway through it.

It's why I start diets and wind up fizzling out after a few months.

It's why my house is in a state of perpetual chaos with piles of laundry, papers here and there and everywhere, dust bunnies holding church on the fan blades, and dishes piled in the sink.

And to be honest, my inability to follow through with things has always bothered me. Pendragon and I have even talked about it in my sessions with him as a potential trigger for my depression. I can see it for sure. All this unfinished business and lack of follow-through is overwhelming and does indeed bring me down.

I'm sure some of you who are reading this are likely thinking, "well, quit doing that and get 'er done!"

And those of you who share this frustration just read that and thought -- "it's not that simple."

And you're right. It's not.

I just celebrated 39 years of life two weeks ago and 39 years of anything tends to deeply ingrain things to a point that change is hard. So this year I chose the word "follow" because I really want to change this. I knew even as I chose that word that I wasn't going to be able to drastically change ALL the things ALL at once, but that if I could change one thing -- just one -- it might be a starting point.

This is what I feel like when I start a project or try to make a change in my life. And then somewhere in there, I realize that I have to adult. Adulting is hard and highly overrated. Graphic is from Hyperbole and a Half which is seriously funny!

After taking stock of things, I decided to change my habit of starting a diary/journal/blog and giving up on it after a few months. To that end, I chose a second word for 2015 -- "write." I gave myself the goal that I was going to try to write more often. I didn't define what "more often" was, but I loosely set a goal of writing in this blog at least 1-3 times a week.

I've always loved to write, but have always lacked the discipline and follow through to really become an accomplished writer. Last October's Write 31 Days blog challenge really stretched me as a writer and showed me that even with a really, really hard subject, I could put pen to paper -- so to speak -- and write something every day or at least a few times a week. It wasn't easy and it was very intense, especially with what I wrote about, but I did it. I proved to myself that I could do it. I'll admit that November and December were rather slim looking months after that, but in the overall scheme of things, I still managed to write at least 1-3 days a week.

When I discovered the #oneword365 blog and this idea of selecting a word for your life for the coming year, I seized on it and almost immediately knew the word that I needed to pick. Then I decided on a second word and I blogged about both.

So how are things going?

Actually, despite all the stuff I've had going on personally since the beginning of this year, not nearly as bad as I thought. I've had quite a few weeks that have been closer to once a week and I did have one week where I didn't write at all due to being in a very dark place with regard to my depression, but I have managed to write and to follow through. The other areas where I wanted to make a firm commitment to "follow" are with regard to treatment for my depression and as part of that, to continue to follow after God, despite all my struggles of faith that have been with me since July of 2013.

I'll admit that some days I don't really want to follow through with treatment for my depression because it feels as though it will never end no matter what I do. I've been through that a lot in the last few days. I also admit that some days, it's easier to follow Him and that a lot of days, I struggle with simple stuff like praying or even wanting to have anything to do with Him. But I'm still following through with treatment (it's why I'm still here) and I'm still following Him...

...and I'm still writing about both.