Day Seventeen (part 2): Rules and A Visit

I go back to sleep for a while and finally wake up around 10:00am, decide to get dressed, and walk around a bit to see the rest of this prison. As I consider dressing, I realise that there is only one tiny corner of my room where I can dress that is mostly out of sight of the wide open door. I would just close the door, but we are not allowed to close it and if we do, it will lock us inside the room. Ditto for closing the bathroom door. There is absolutely no privacy. Anyone and I mean absolutely anyone -- doctor, nurse, staff, or fellow patient -- could walk by and see me dressing or undressing. It is a degrading, humiliating feeling to be cowering in the corner, looking over my shoulder every other second to make sure the coast is clear and that no one is walking in unannounced.

After dressing, I walk out of the room and a few steps to the end of the hall where I see another sort of dayroom that is different from the one I saw last night. It is full of women, all perched on various couches. There is a desk in this dayroom and a lady sitting at it with a stack of papers and a box of ballpoint pens. When I come in, she hands me a piece of paper and a pen. "We're just about to start group. If you want to join us, grab a seat and fill that out."

I glance down at the paper and see that it's something about our goals for the day and the like. I look around the room and there is nowhere to sit. I stand there, paper in my hand and come very close to handing it back to her and walking back to my room when a young girl scoots over on the nearest couch and makes room for me. I sit down beside her with a soft, "Thanks."

As I look around the room, I see some of the other patients I saw from last night. One of them in particular stands out. She is an older woman with long graying hair that reaches well past her waist. Her hair alone would be remarkable, but she really caught my attention last night because she spoke to me. After I got settled in and had dried my tears some, I went in search of the phone in the dayroom. As I walked down the hall, she came out of a nearby room and after a moment of walking almost in step with each other, looked over at me and said without any preamble at all, "So, you feelin' better?" I was still angry and feeling bristly, tender, and weepy. I managed a very terse, "No" and picked up my walking pace to get ahead of her. After my tearful conversation with Gray on the phone, she somehow found me in the medicine line where I was waiting with the other patients to get my Ambien. Again, without preamble, she said, "So, you feelin' better?" This time she got a very dirty look and another terse, "No" and then the sight of my back as I turned away from her, new tears starting to pour from my eyes again. She tried to corner me a third time when I went to get my CPAP and I got the same question. I fought the urge to grab that long hair, give it a sharp yank, and just scream at her. Instead, this time, I just ignored her and kept walking. This earned me a loud, "Well, fine! I was only trying to be friendly!!!!" shouted at my back.

Upon seeing this woman, I shrink back into the couch, trying to hide behind some of the other women who are sitting beside me. But no. She spies me. She actually leans across about two other women and says, "So, you feelin' better today?"

I fix her with my fiercest glare, looking her dead in the eyes and practically spit out, "If I want you to know how I'm feeling, I'll tell you. Stop. asking. me. Leave me alone."

She appears completely unruffled by my venom, but when she says, "I was just trying to be friendly.." I can hear that I have upset her. As much as I don't like to admit it to myself, I am glad she is hurt. I am full of piss and vinegar and everyone had better just stay out of my way. Even as I think these things, I start to cry again. To hide my tears, I look down at the paper and scribble down something on it. About this time, the lady leading the group begins. She is talking about something, but after about two sentences, I tune her out and just sit there crying silently. I miss my babies. I miss Gray. I don't want to be here. Oh God...where are You in all of this? I can't feel You anymore. Why have you abandoned me in my darkest hour? This hurts so much and I am lost without You. This is senseless...my heart is broken...Dear Jesus, please....please God...please... I notice when the women around me start getting up, so I do too and make a beeline for my room, tears streaming down my face as I go.

The rest of the day passes by in a haze of tears and anguish. I try to read, to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, and to watch TV in the dayroom where the phone is, but I can't focus on anything. Around noon, as I am laying down in my room, a loud voice bellows down the hallway, "LUNCH TIME! LINE UP FOR LUNCH!!!" I don't want to go to lunch. I decide to stay in my room and skip lunch, but one of the orderlies sticks his head in the room and says, "Hey, it's time for lunch, come on now. You're holding up everyone. We're waiting on you."

I mumble something about not being hungry and skipping lunch. He shakes his head. "Nope, you gotta come on. You can't do that. Come on now." This is apparently another rule and one of many I have heard since arriving. There are lots of things you are told you can't do in this place and depending on the person, you may be allowed to do it by one and not allowed by another. Everything is random and arbitrary. I sit up in the bed and slide my sandals on my feet. I grab my glasses and join the line of women standing on my side of the hallway. I notice the men are standing on the other side. The orderly goes to the door of the ward which is just about four steps from my room and fits his key in the lock. As he opens the door, he says, "Alright y'all come on now. Ladies first," and the line of women begins to move. We are herded like so many cattle to the cafeteria and go through the line. My stomach turns at the sight of the food which is anything but healthy and there is an oddly sour, stringent smell all around the food line. I take a little of the least noxious looking items and go to find a seat in the dining room. Several of the other patients are congregating at one of the tables and I avoid them. Instead, I go and sit at a table beside the window by myself. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be here.

I make the sign of the cross, say my blessing, and after the "amen" I stare down at the styrofoam divided plate in front of me filled with what looks like some kind of chicken in a gloppy sauce, some overcooked broccoli and mashed potatoes. I burst into tears and sit there sobbing. I suddenly realise that I just can't do this. I get up, take my plate to the trash and after chucking my utensils in the dirty utensil bin, I make my way toward the exit and start to walk back down the hall to the ward.

Suddenly I hear a voice behind me, "Hey! HEY!" I turn around and see the orderly charging down the hall behind me. "Hey, where are you going?"

"Back to the ward. I'm done eating," I say simply, completely confused as to why he's making such a big fuss. It's not as though I am bolting out the front door of the hospital.

"You can't do that," he says. "That's the rules. Everyone comes together and everyone leaves together," he finishes and points back toward the cafeteria door. The tears that ought to be completely used up by now prick at my eyes once again and my vision shimmers as I walk back to the cafeteria, completely defeated.

After dinner, which I could not make myself eat either, I am sitting in my room, trying to read again and having very little success with focusing on the words on the page. Everything about this just hurts so much that it is robbing me of my normal ways of coping with adversity. "Therese?" I look up from the book. What now? I wonder to myself. "You've got some visitors," the patient tech says from the doorway. I gasp with excitement and about half a second later, my sandals are on my feet and I am following the tech through the locked door and to the cafeteria. My heart is practically pounding through my chest as we get nearer.

We are through the doorway of the cafeteria when I spot them sitting at one of the long tables. Gray is holding GB and the big girls are sitting beside him. I let out an audible sob at the sight of them and rush over as Gray looks up and says, "Hey girls, look who it is.."

"Mooooomeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!" the older girls scream and practically tackle me in hugs. I am knocked off balance and wobble a little bit, but I don't care one bit. I engulf the two of them in hugs and smother their little faces with kisses, inhaling their scent and not wanting to let go. Finally after a moment, they wiggle a little bit and I stumble my way to Gray and hold onto him for dear life, tears streaming down my face and I smother both his face and GB's with kisses and my tears. GB gives me one of her wide barely toothy grins and I hold out my arms for her. Gray puts her in my arms and I snuggle her close to my chest, burying my nose in her hair and reveling in her sweet soft weight against me. Gray wraps his arms around the both of us and I lean into his chest, trying to memorize the warmth of his arms and the solidness of him pressed so close to me. Oh God, I love them all so much...please don't make me stay here any longer....please God...I can't bear it...I can't bear being so separated from my beloved husband and girls...

The visit is a precious gift in that I am being showered with love and having the opportunity to hug and kiss my family and see them in the flesh, but it is a bittersweet one because I know that it must end. They will go home to our cozy little split level and I will be left here alone in this hellish nightmare. Gray and I talk a lot about my desire to leave. He tells me that he now understands that it was a bad decision to bring me here and says he is going to do everything he can to get me released soon and not to worry about the money, that we'll figure it out. He tells me how sorry he is for his part in all of this and asks for my forgiveness. I have already forgiven him and tell him so and I am heartened by his vow to get me out of this place soon. As we sit there discussing certain details of things, the girls wander around the dining room looking out of windows and chasing each other around the tables. Normally I would tell them to stop being so wild and settle down, but it is so good to see them that I cannot bring myself to put an end to their gleeful play. Gray takes the lead and has them come over and sit down. I talk to them and ask them how their day was and they share sweet stories of their favourite blankies and adventures with their stuffed animals, a cartoon they watched. M² proudly tells me about a book she read and AB tells me that they drew me pictures but accidentally left them at home. I say that I love those pictures already and more importantly, that they thought of me and made them for me. I tell them how much I love them too. Then M² asks, "Mommy, when are you coming home?"

I swallow several times and finally manage, "I'm not sure, sweetie. Whenever the doctor says I can come home."

She looks thoughtful for a moment and then says, "You mean when your heart is fixed and not sad anymore?" and it is all I can do to not burst into tears in front of her. What Gray told them when he went to pick them up from Sif's last night was that Mommy was in a special hospital because her heart was really sad and the doctors at this hospital were trying to help her heart not be sad anymore. I swallow again, trying hard not to cry. I am struggling with how to reply to her question when she suddenly says, "Mommy, I want you to come home now...." and she starts to cry. Gray puts an arm around M²'s shoulders and kisses her on top of the head. I am totally undone by her tears, his tender fatherly comfort of her, and the expression on his face that clearly says that he wants what she wants too. I burst into tears despite my desire to not cry in front of them. AB hops up from her seat beside M² and comes around to throw her arms around me in a hug. I hug her with my free arm and pull GB in closer to me with the other one. Gray tells M² that he wishes Mommy could come home now too but that she has to stay a little longer. I am still crying and sniffling and completely unable to come up with anything comforting except to say, "Yeah baby, I don't want to stay either...but I have to..." My voice quivers as I say these words aloud to my oldest daughter. There is not much else to say after that, but we somehow fill the rest of the time with words of love to each other. As our time draws to a close, Gray comes with M² around to my side of the table and says that he feels like we ought to pray together before they go. In that moment, I have a thought go through my head and I say, "I think we ought to ask Blessed John Paul II to pray for us. You know I read a week ago that they approved the second miracle for his canonization, so he'll be declared a saint soon. Both his miracles were brain related..." I finish and Gray nods and gently lays his hands on me. M² and AB press in close to us and GB rests her little head against me, sleepily. He prays and asks for healing and peace for me and for all of us and asks Blessed John Paul II to pray for me especially. He asks Our Lady for her prayers on my behalf and invokes the name of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit over me and the whole situation. I stand there and cry the whole time. I love this man so much.

Soon the prayer is over and the visiting hour is ending. We say our final goodbyes and I give and receive countless hugs and kisses from the girls. Gray and I exchange a rather lingering kiss and hug as the five of us stand near the elevator where we will part company. I look at the elevator and I think of just getting on with them, riding it to the ground floor and walking out, leaving all of this behind me, but I am afraid of what might happen if I do. The elevator dings as it arrives and the doors slide open. It is time to say one last goodbye, grab one last quick kiss and hug from each of them and wave as they disappear from sight. Once the elevator door closes, I burst into tears again and walk with blurry vision back toward the ward.