Day Thirty-one: We've Done the Impossible...

I began this 31 Days series with the idea of telling the story of my journey through depression and maybe helping provide some insight and education along the way, but what happened is that I stumbled.

I knew I would.

It's why I gave my series the title "Stumbling Through." I know myself well enough to know that I stumble a lot. The thing about depression is that it provides so many more opportunities to stumble through life, so when I was searching for an appropriate title, it seemed only fitting. The other thing about stumbling is that sometimes you catch yourself and sometimes you fall. I have, thanks to Gray and Pendragon, caught myself most of the time through this journey, but I have fallen too. I haven't really talked here on my blog about how I have fallen, but suffice to say that I've fallen hard enough that it put me behind schedule and very nearly made me stop altogether.

If you've been following the timeline of my story, you'll notice that yesterday's two-part entry (which was actually published today on the 31st -- again with the falling!) took us through January of 2014, just after the new year. As of today, it is Halloween of 2014 and my journey through this episode of depression isn't over. I considered continuing to write the rest of the story, but decided to stop at the appointed time -- today. There is more I could write about (and I may indeed do that), but this seems a good place to try and wrap things up. If I do decide to write more on this subject, I will link those posts to the landing page for this series so they are easy to find for those who are interested.

So what happened after New Year's of this year when we got home? Life went on. My big girls went back to school and Gray went back to work. I went back to the day to day life of staying at home with a busy, growing almost-toddler. I continued to sing in my parish choir and cantor the psalms in Mass. I continued to see Pendragon once a week, although sometimes more often than that. And yes, there have been more than a few times in these past ten months or so when I have stepped to the edge and contemplated ending my life. I started EMDR in April and then restarted it in May with a different therapist and am still doing that therapy to help with the flashbacks and nightmares.

As of the writing of this, I still struggle with sleep (it's 1:30am as I'm writing) because of the nightmares, but the flashbacks are fewer and farther apart these days. I still struggle with appetite and feel constantly like I am out of energy. In truth, I need another break. What I really need is a break where I can be away from my family and responsibilities and have time to just rest and replenish myself away from my usual habitat and daily life. I am working on making that happen, but I don't know when that will be. I still struggle with anger toward God and feeling His presence, but I keep doing what He has called me to do despite it. Because of how long this has gone on (22 months tomorrow), I still feel a lack of hope that it will ever be really better. That part is hard. It is damn hard. I told Gray earlier this week that I only want one thing for Christmas this year -- healing. Unfortunately, that is not his to give me and it is unrealistic to think that I can give myself that gift in such a short time. The only One who can bestow that gift on me is unlikely to do so just because I want it or ask for it. It was my one request last year too. As the likelihood of getting that gift is next to zero, I will settle for another visit with my in-laws this year.

This 31 Days writing challenge has stretched me quite a lot and I have made some truly excellent new friends who have been a constant source of support. Thank you for reading and being so sweet to me through this, my dear friends!

I want to thank my sweetheart Gray for putting up with me through this and always. You are my heart and I am blessed beyond what I could have ever asked for to be your wife. You are such an amazing husband to me and father to our girls. I admire your love for Our Lord and our shared Catholic faith and your selfless devotion to all of us. Thank you for all the little and big things you do -- from making coffee for me in the morning to dishes and laundry to the countless evenings you have made dinner and put our girls to bed to the fiercely loving way you have protected me from myself and the thousands of kisses, hugs, and embraces you have showered on me in good times and bad. Our love story is not one of even a decade yet, but I cannot imagine what I ever did before God put us together. I love you with all my heart!

I also want to thank my incredibly patient therapist, Pendragon. You have always shown me such amazing support and I am very grateful that God placed you in my life to care for my mental health. A good therapist is a difficult thing to find and a great therapist is nigh unto impossible. You're a great one. To quote The Doctor: "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." Thank you for helping me find ways to soften the bad things and to see the good things amidst the vast quantities of bad things.   

I haven't talked about her much through this series, but I want to thank my bestie Sif. I have no words for how much you mean to me. You have supported me, Gray, and our girls in numerous ways throughout this dark night and I love you so, so much! I am so thankful that God made us friends. To quote Nine, you are "fantastic!"

I would definitely be remiss if I didn't thank my friend and "big brother" Chez. I appreciate so much your countless prayers, sacrifices, rosaries, and times you have offered my requests up to God during Holy Mass. Thank you for listening to me, encouraging me, and kicking me in the rear when I needed it too. Thank you for intervening when I needed it and for supporting Gray and our whole family with your prayers too. You're a mensch and although sometimes a bit meshuggeneh, I love you and yours anyway.

So I'm going to hush now and I'll leave you all with two quotes that I think are appropriate to the whole 31 Days writing challenge, but in particular, those of us who have been trying to tell our stories. They are from two of my favourite sci-fi series -- Doctor Who (what else, P?) and Firefly.