Day Six: After These Messages, We'll Be Right Back...(a little break)

Today I am taking a bit of a break from my story, as it is, to give you a little background and post in a way that is related to the subject of depression, but not as deeply immersed in it as my previous posts. Today I want to talk about a member of my tribe. I have written about this previously (see my post:Finding My Tribe), but I want to tell you a little bit more about one of my tribe members who has acted as a huge support for me during this particular episode of depression.

For the purposes of this blog, I call him Chez. I know he wouldn't care if I used his real name, but it would be kinda strange to do that and then assign pseudonyms to all the other people in my life who I want to mention and who would probably rather remain private. So, Chez it is.

I met Chez and have become friends with him (and his lovely wife Anna) over the course of this depressive episode. He is a writer, contributor for a number of Catholic publications, fellow blogger (who writes about faith a lot) and a Catholic. His blog receives quite a lot more traffic than mine does and as a result, he routinely receives emails from people asking him to pray for this or that. At some point, he decided to start posting these prayer requests on his blog and asking his readers to pray with him for these things. I had been a reader at his blog for quite a while and even followed him on Facebook, but had never had any contact with him.

At some point, not too long before my initial visit with Dr. Alt (see Day Five: No Tears), the depression hit me very hard and everything got very very dark. I began to feel not only hopeless, but apathetic towards treatment. This apathy was a new thing for me and very scary. I didn't know what to do about it except to pray, but I felt so heavily depressed that I didn't feel very much up to the task of praying for myself (not that I've ever been that good at it even in the best of times). I asked Gray to pray, of course, and my closest friends who know of my struggles with depression, but could not bring myself to approach God on my own behalf. I tried to keep reading and pursuing my faith despite my reluctance to ask God for help and my apathy towards treatment. For me, reading has always been a big part of my faith journey (both the Bible and other books), so it was natural that I continued with the spiritual reading I was doing.

As I said, I had been following Chez on Facebook and reading his blog for quite a while. One day I was reading at his blog and the "email me" button sort of jumped out and grabbed me. To this day, I still don't entirely know what prompted it, but I found myself clicking that button and writing him an email. I began it thinking that I was just going to ask him to pray for me and what happened was a veritable flood of emotions all spilling out into one email, my tears pouring forth as words instead of water. I did indeed ask for his prayers, but it wound up being so much more than a simple prayer request. A few hours later, after I sent it, I was messing around on Facebook and saw that he had posted something new. I vaguely recall that it was titled Prayer Request but never imagined that I would see my own words staring back at me from his blog. For a few moments, it was like cold water thrown in my face. Then it hit me that I had forgotten his blog policy regarding email. The basic gist of it is that if you email Chez, whatever you say is bloggable. In other words, he reserves the right to reprint you verbatim -- unless you specifically tell him not to do so. I hadn't made any such request, so he didn't think anything about reprinting my email exactly as I wrote it. Thankfully, he didn't include my real name (which he normally doesn't even when following his own policy), but it still made me nervous for a little bit until I realized that perhaps seeing my request put into my own words would be a catalyst for someone else to pray for me -- and isn't that what I wanted?

There were some very kind comments from his other readers below my request as well as a prayer of Chez's own composing. A day or so later, I got an email back from Chez. He was very kind and promised to pray for me. In addition, he gave me some practical advice and mentioned someone else I might benefit from contacting. He also forwarded on to me a resource one of his readers had emailed to him for me. I replied, thanking him and giving him an update. We went back and forth like this for a little while via email. Eventually, I sent him a friend request on Facebook and we began talking there too. I really don't know exactly how to explain my willingness to be so real with a perfect stranger, but I think it might have been something to do with it being the slight anonymity of the internet and his willingness to listen and pray for me.

As things go, my depression worsened (which comes a bit later in my overall story) and Chez told me one day that his wife Anna wanted to talk with me on the phone and pray with me if I was amenable to that. I said that I was and we arranged a time to talk. It was a genuinely delightful conversation with a sister in Christ and I got a chance to speak with Chez too for a brief period at the end of the conversation. Since that point, we have had many conversations over Facebook and a number of phone conversations too. Sometimes they are about what I'm going through and sometimes they are just the normal sorts of conversations that one has with friends.

As we have gotten to know one another, I have begun to think of him as the big brother that I never had. I'm an only child and as such, am under no illusions that I know exactly what it's like to have a sibling. Although I am sibling-less, I have had some good friends through the years who have filled in that role -- fighting with me over stupid petty stuff (mostly when I was younger), crying with me over a shared pain (or crying with me over my pain), praying for me when life just sucked, rejoicing with me in the good times, and loving me despite my faults. I've always believed that our siblings -- for better or worse -- hold a sort of mirror up to our faces that shows us some truth about ourselves and that in a normal sibling relationship, that mirror lovingly shows us when we are lying to ourselves about something and how those lies are hurting us or will hurt us if they continue.

Chez is definitely all of these things to me. He's especially good at listening when I just need to vent, praying for me (this is definitely his superpower!), rejoicing with me over the good things, and telling me certain truths when I don't exactly want to hear them but need to hear them (that's a fancy way of saying he calls me on my bullshit). He is also, annoyingly sometimes, insistent about certain things and stubbornly refuses to allow me to give up on life or myself. He treats me, in many ways, like a kid sister, even to the point of teasing me about the difference in our ages by insisting on the fact that I'm a "kid" ("You're just a kid." "I am not! I'm a grown married woman with three kids!" "You're a kid. Anyone who wasn't alive when I graduated from high school will always be a kid." *laughter* "Okay, fine, fine. Whatever. I am a kid." *more laughter*). He has prayed for me and prayed for me and prayed for me and has, on a number of occasions, enlisted his readers' prayers for me without my even asking. I remember one night in particular that I was, to be quite honest, very close to attempting to take my own life. He called me and talked to me and then put Anna on the phone to talk to me. While she talked to me, he messaged Gray and quietly put up an urgent prayer request to his readers. I didn't know about the last thing until several hours later when I was feeling on a more even keel. I had, to put it in his words, thousands of people I didn't even know praying for me. That is staggering to me and I am humbled by the thought of it.  I am immensely grateful (even if I don't always show it as well as I ought) for his prayers and his friendship.

It may sound incredibly strange or weird to say this about someone I've never met, but I have grown to love him as my big brother in Christ. When I say this, what I mean is that I care very much for both Chez and Anna and for their family. I want God's best blessings and the very best in life for them. My heart hurts when they are hurting and I would love nothing more than to hug them both and do sisterly things like bring over food and ooh and ahh over their beautiful granddaughters (which I do from afar when I see their pictures) and just generally share in the joys and sorrows of life. Unfortunately, they are quite a long way away from me so I can't hug them or bring over food, but I can pray for them (and I do) and express my gratitude for their prayers and presence in my life. What this also means is that I have come to trust them both and that is saying something very important as I don't give my trust easily.

I would really like to meet both Chez and Anna one day, but I know that even if that never happens, they will always have a very special place in my heart and in my tribe.