Day Twenty-five: A Cord of Three Strands

Note: After having had several days of struggling to write something and posting stuff that's not part of the story itself, I am returning to the story of my journey in this entry. Just to clarify, this part takes place in September of 2013. To read the rest of the story, click here for Day One or on the 31 Days tab above to access the index for this series.

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It is September and the temperature has dropped a few degrees. The nights are cooler and the air drier even if the daytime still feels too warm for fall. The trees have begun their slow transition from greens to golds, reds, oranges, and browns and fall flavoured treats are everywhere. It has been a month since that first meeting with Pendragon in his new office and we have met every week without fail. Unlike when he was at Green Tree, we are able to meet for longer than an hour if necessary and lately, the extra time has been very much needed indeed.

The nightmares that began after my five days at Pine View have been unrelenting and they are so bad that most nights I barely get 3-4 hours of sleep. I don't know how I am functioning on a daily basis and I am feeling very overwhelmed about the next three months. This time of year is a busy time of year for most families with all the holidays and their accompanying celebrations with family and friends on top of the day to day stress, but for our family, it's to a whole other level. Of the five of us, I am the only one who celebrates a birthday in a different season of the year. Gray and all three of our girls have birthdays in the fall. Gray and GB are in October, AB is in November, and M2 is in December just before Christmas. Our wedding anniversary is in the mix too as well as four Holy Days of Obligation which are days outside the normal Sunday when we are obliged as Catholics to attend Mass (All Saint's Day, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, Christmas, and Mary, the Mother of God). All of these birthdays and feast days are on top of the holidays themselves and day to day stuff. I routinely joke that I take a really deep, big breath sometime in mid-September and don't exhale again until January 2nd. Oh and I have to bake, make costumes, buy presents, go to school parties, plan our roadtrip north for Christmas, pack suitcases....and the list goes on and on....

And all of these things are on top of struggling almost daily with such severe depression that I find that I just want to kill myself to make it stop. None of the frenzy of activity has really gotten started and I am already drowning. I can hardly think about tomorrow and truly, most days I don't think I will even make it to the end of the year alive. I start to think about something that I need to plan for all of these crazy activities and then I stop because I don't have the energy and because the thought that goes through my head is that I won't be here for any of it because I know it is inevitable that I will wind up killing myself if this continues as it has.  It has been almost 9 months since this began and with every day that passes, this depression kills me a little bit more. I have gained some weight back but only because whenever I do eat, I eat stuff that is junk and high in calories. I'm not really getting decent nutrition and only eat once a day if that. At present, I am going somewhere that I do not want to go. It is a Saturday morning and the five of us are in the van, headed to Pendragon's office. I don't have an appointment with him -- we do. And by we, I mean Gray and I do.

A few days ago things got very, very bad and my mood was very dark. Again, I was hiding, talking only to Chez about the things that were in my head and then he did something that took me by surprise. He went behind my back and said something to Gray. Chez has been telling me for a few weeks now that I need to be honest with Gray about all this stuff and I have told Gray some of it. Apparently, not enough though. Yesterday morning, Gray woke me up and almost the first words out of his mouth were, "We need to talk. I got a message from Chez..." We did talk and I was honest, but Gray was really worried. He made the decision to take me and GB (he wasn't going to leave me home alone) to his office so he could get his laptop and work from home. Part of our talk (which continued in the van) led to him expressing that after my admission of how much I am struggling with suicidal thoughts that he was feeling like he'd been left out of the loop and that he wondered if I was telling Pendragon everything too. I assured him that I was and even said that he could call Pendragon. He said he thought he would, at least so he could get on the same page about things. If it had been anyone other than Gray suggesting this, I would have been incensed, but instead, I felt a certain relief about it even if the thought of the two of them talking did make me nervous. Gray called him and Pendragon suggested that we come in today for a joint session so we can all get on the same page together.

As we pull into the parking lot, I feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. We are a bit early and Pendragon isn't here yet, so we sit in the van to wait. After a few minutes, he arrives and goes inside. I don't want to go in and when Gray wonders if we ought to wait a bit or go in although it's still early, I say to wait. I have been quiet for the entirety of the ride here and this does not change much now that we have arrived.  After we go in and get the big girls settled in the small waiting area with their portable game consoles, we sit down across from Pendragon with GB snuggled on Gray's lap. I am quiet and offer no small talk or even introductions and I purposefully fold my arms and look down at them. This silence is not only because of the intensely depressed mood I am in, but also because I am angry and don't want to be here. I don't want to talk about this with the two of them.

My lack of speech makes the atmosphere noticeably more tense, but Pendragon doesn't push me to talk. Instead, he talks to Gray and for the first thirty minutes, I sit quietly listening, not looking at either of them and sitting as far away from Gray on the small settee as is possible. Finally Pendragon address me directly and although I do not want to say anything, I finally speak a word or two. I still cannot look at either of them and continue to stare down at my folded arms. GB fusses some throughout, but I am so depressed and deep in my own thoughts that I don't even look at her. Gray calms her with a bottle and we continue with the session. Eventually, with enough questions, Pendragon gets me talking in full sentences and although I am still very deep in my head, we do get some things out in the open. As we get to the end of the session, Pendragon says, "So, how about next week? Would the same time work for you?" I am immediately taken aback. I thought this was going to be a single meeting, a one-off kind of thing. I am stunned into silence.

Gray speaks up, "I think this time works. What do you think hon?" I don't want to do this again. What is this? We got stuff out in the open and agreed that I will be totally honest with Gray about stuff. There's nothing else that we need to talk about.

I look at the both of them mutely for a moment, unable to summon the words to say what I am feeling. GB has fallen asleep against Gray's chest and I watch her deep easy breathing for a moment. "Next week?" I manage to say.

Pendragon must sense both my confusion and my unease with the idea of meeting again because he says, "I thought we might talk about this some more and maybe discuss some ways to help Gray know how to help you when the depression gets bad and help you find some ways to better communicate your needs to Gray." I feel the tension in my chest ease a bit at his words, but I'm still wary of this idea. I sigh audibly. "I know this hasn't been easy today, but I really think marital can be very helpful, especially with everything you have been going through," he continues.

I look at Gray. "What do you think?" he asks me and I see the concern etched across his handsome face. That concerned look undoes me.

"Yeah, okay," I finally say, still not wanting to do it, but knowing somewhere deep within me that Pendragon is right about the potential for this to be helpful. We fix the appointment for next week and wrap up the session. Although I did not want to come and am not happy about the prospect of another appointment like this, I do not feel altogether horrible about our conversation and the things we got out in the open. There is something about laying everything bare that lifts a little of the weight of this.

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We leave and as a special treat for good behaviour while we were in our appointment with Pendragon, we embark on a family outing to a local Melkite Catholic parish's Middle Eastern Food Festival. As we arrive, everything that has been going on with me lately fades into the background with the sounds of the music and the smells of delicious food emanating from the tent outside and the parish hall. We fill our bellies with baked kibbee, roasted chicken, hummus, pita bread, rice, salad, and sweets as we sit at a table together under the tent, listening to music and watching the youth of the parish performing traditional middle eastern dance routines. After we are finished and the youth have completed their performances, the dance floor is opened up to everyone.

My big girls and I take to the floor where we spin, twirl, shake our hips, shimmy our shoulders, and let our hair fly free in time to the sounds of the drums, guitars, and other exotic instruments. Gray watches contentedly from the side lines, holding GB and bouncing her to the beat. At one point amidst the dancing, I steal her from his arms and bring her into the swirling throng of people, twirling her around in my arms, dipping her backwards and reveling in her gleeful giggles. The music and dancing continue, but the hour is beginning to get late for our little belly dancing princesses, so we leave and head home.

As we drive along the interstate in the darkness, I feel as though my blood is more oxygenated and my breathing more deep and clear. My muscles are tired from all the dancing and my hair is damp from perspiration, but I don't feel altogether bad. In fact, I realise with a shock, that for the past three hours, my depression vanished. It disappeared and for three hours, I felt more alive than I have felt in many months. I let that realisation wash over me and try to soak it in completely. Would that it would last! For now I will try to enjoy this feeling and encapsulate this memory deep inside me. To that end, I open up Facebook on my phone and post a status:

Going home from the St. Luke Melkite Catholic Church's Middle Eastern Food Festival after soaking up the sounds of music, laughter, and the jingling of a myriad of hip scarves. My face is flushed from dancing with my girls, my tummy is full of kibbee, hummus, chicken, and other yummies, and my heart is at peace. Not exactly the getaway I was wishing for, but a good time and a nice way to forget about life for a while.

As the day comes to a close, I realise that perhaps this meeting with Pendragon was a good thing after all, uncomfortable for me though it was. Gray and I make a good team together and for the past four years, Pendragon and I have worked together through my various episodes of depression. Until today though, these two men who have both supported me so unwaveringly and who both want to see me find healing and recovery have never met each other. Now that they have and we're getting on the same page, these two teams of two people have become one team of three and as the writer of Ecclesiastes says: "Where one alone may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:12, NAB) 

 Maybe now with the three of us working together, I will find my way out of this wretched darkness.