Day Twenty: Home Again

Yes, I am a total geek. :)

Gray turns the corner and suddenly we are driving down our street. Less than a minute later, our house comes into view with the stately oak in the front yard and the juniper tree's branches moving gently in the mid-July breeze. We have just come from a late lunch at a local Mexican restaurant and my belly is full of delicious food, but more importantly, my heart is full from time spent with Gray and our girls. It is Monday afternoon and I am home at last. After five days of unspeakable pain, I am free. It is a bright sunny day and oppressively warm for this part of July, but I am not bothered by the heat or humidity. I am free. I am home. I am home!!! Tears spring from my eyes as we pull in the driveway and I swallow several times and sniffle a little bit. Gray reaches over and squeezes my hand and we get out of the van. The girls are chattering away and are halfway up the curved sidewalk to the front door before I can get out of the van and shut my door behind me. As I walk toward the back of the van, I see that they have, as usual, left the side door open and I slide it shut and stand staring at it for a moment. It is habit for me to check behind them and shut the door, but today it does not feel like habit or something that just has to be done. Today it feels like a "welcome home, Mom!" from my girls. Everything feels like it is welcoming me home and I am glad to finally be here.

I walk to the back of the van, intent on getting my things, but Gray has already opened the lift gate and gotten them for me, all while juggling GB and her diaper bag. "Here, let me have a girl," I say and take GB out of his arms. I could have taken one of the bags a bit easier, but I have an ulterior motive. I need snuggles from my baby girl. I need snuggles from my big girls, but those will have to wait until they're a bit more slowed down and in need of snuggles themselves. For now, I will take as many hugs and kisses as I can gather from them before they go sailing off to their room to play or before they start pestering me or their daddy to turn on the TV and watch a favourite show or DVD. We make our way up the sidewalk and inside the house and for a moment, I am stunned.

It is the same house, the same rooms, the same toys, books, and mixture of whatnot scattered throughout the living room, but it isn't. Everything feels so different. Everything, while familiar, looks different too. I stand for a moment just inside the door and look around before settling into the rocking chair with GB who is resting her little head on my shoulder and is beginning to feel very relaxed and heavy with drowsiness. I sit and rock her, inhaling her sweet scent and kissing her on the top of her head. She is asleep in almost no time at all. I know she probably needs to go lay down in her little crib where it is quieter, but I am loathe to let her go, so I sit and rock her for a little while longer until a little while later when Gray notices she is asleep. "You want me to go put her down?" he asks. Although I think I wouldn't mind holding her for the entirety of her nap, I realise that I am feeling a bit drowsy myself, so I hand her off to him and follow them upstairs. While Gray puts her down, I change into a comfortable nightgown and set up my CPAP in its normal spot. As I am hooking it all up, Gray comes in, "You going to lay down for a bit?" he asks, seeing my changed clothes.

I nod. "Yeah, I'm really tired all of a sudden," I say. He crosses the room and pulls me into his arms for a hug and holds me close. Oh how I have missed this! We share a lingering kiss and embrace and a look that promises more than kisses and embraces later tonight. Then, after one more kiss and an "I love you," he leaves me to my rest and closes the door behind him. I sit down on the bed and my weight causes the mattress to gently sink a little bit and it is a wonderful feeling. When I stretch out on the bed, it is the most amazing bliss and the most comfortable feeling in the world. I stretch myself out fully and then turn on my side. This is...oh....I have missed this so much too!

I sigh contentedly and reach for my CPAP mask. I put it on my face and begin to inhale and exhale through my nose as normal. Suddenly, I am seized with panic. No. No. No. No. No. NOOOOOO!!!! I am trembling all over and yank my mask off my face, not even bothering to turn off the machine first. The air whooshes through the mask unchecked and I sit up on the bed, gasping and clutching my chest. My heart rate is through the roof and I can barely get my breath. I am shaking and I sit on the bed, rocking back and forth and trying to get control over myself. It was just the smell. Just the smell. It will go away. It will go away. It was only the leftover smell from being exposed to the air and odors of the hospital. It will go away in a day or so. Just breathe. Just breathe. After about five or ten minutes, my breathing and heart rate have slowed to a more normal rate and I feel more like myself. It takes another few minutes before I feel able to try and rest again.

As I start to put the mask back on, I take several deep breaths and continue to tell myself that I am home and this smell that reminds me so much of that awful place will disappear with a couple of uses of the machine. I reach over to the back of the machine and pull the filter out, clean it off and replace it, hoping that will expedite the process. It doesn't really help, but the lack of sleep I got in the hospital combined with the panic attack are overpowering my ability to remain conscious. I sink into the bed again and fall asleep, holding Gray's pillow to my chest.