Five Minute Friday: Door

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I shut the door to the bookstore bathroom and cowered in one of the stalls. Tears were streaming down my face and anger was coursing through my blood. Confused and heartbroken, I stood there for a good fifteen minutes bawling and trying to make sense of the fact that my boyfriend had just broken up with me. After some time (and blowing my nose), I exited the stall and went to wash my hands and face at the sink. I still had some tears to cry but I'd moved through the immediate moment of crying. In this heightened state of emotion, I made a decision. I decided to shut another door. 

I shut the door to marriage.

You see, for several years I had been the recipient of wedding invitations, wedding shower invitations, baby shower invitations, baby announcements, and all of the myriad of things that go along with a life joined to another person as one flesh. I had watched so many friends and acquaintances and even heard about friends of friends who were marrying and having babies and getting on with this stage of life. I had been a spectator in all these moments of joy. My own heart's desire had always been to be a wife and mother, but in this moment of anger and pain, I made the decision that God wasn't going to honour that desire for some reason. I had loved my boyfriend and I thought he loved me. He'd even told me he loved me and that he couldn't imagine a life without me. And then just a couple of weeks after saying that, he changed his tune. He said he only loved me as a friend. I just didn't want male friends any more.  I wanted a husband. I was angry at God for teasing me this way and making me believe that this boyfriend was going to be "the one." 

So I shut the door. I told my mother a few weeks later that I was refusing to go to any more weddings until such a time as it was my own wedding. I didn't care who was getting married. God wasn't providing anyone for me, so I wasn't going to bear witness to the people he was providing for others. 

A year or so later, my friend Sorella invited me to this thing to introduce me to a guy she thought I'd like. I went, although because my door was firmly shut, I didn't have any hope that anything would come of it. I was right. He was nice, but not anyone I was interested in. Then he invited Sorella and me to something the next night at a local Catholic parish -- a young adults' Bible study and "adoration" group. I didn't know what adoration was, but like the idea of other folks my age studying the Bible, so we went. 

I wasn't planning on opening that door. I wasn't planning on meeting anyone. I met Gray that night. I wish I could say that meeting him made me open that door, but it didn't. In fact, something about Gray when we first met made me not even want to really get to know him at all. He seemed nice enough, but he was kind of weird and I just didn't know what to do with that. So I kept that door of my heart shut tight -- even to friendship with a man.

Oh, but friends, the Holy Spirit had other ideas! I don't remember exactly when it was, but I remember having the thought that I didn't even really want to get to know "that guy" (Gray) and almost as suddenly as the thought went through my head, I felt a nudge in my spirit. It was gentle, but firm. Just get to know him. Just be his friend. Not audible words, but a definite sense that the Holy Spirit was trying to direct me in that way. My reply was a grudging sigh and an, "Okay, Lord."

And just like that, the door of my heart was pushed open a crack. 

Gray and I became friends and that crack grew wider and wider until one day, I realised that the door had been pushed wide and love had come pouring in.

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up over at Kate Motaung's blog!

FMF: Relief

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

Also, my friend Tara's FMF community intro video is at today's prompt page! Go check out her blog, Praying On the Prairie, and the video here! Love you, T!

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Relief

I'll admit that this particular prompt really hits me where I live. I have been yearning for some serious relief from the onslaught of this depressive episode for a good two years. I have had little bits of relief here and there, but nothing lasting and nothing that seems to make a huge difference in things or a huge dent.

Halcyon

This is part of my April prompts series from the blog The Habit of Being. Each of the posts in this series will feature the prompt for that post as the post title. While I may sometimes use the current day's prompt, it is more likely that I will pick and choose as inspiration dictates. If you are interested in following along with the prompts or writing some of your own, here's the link to the page with April's prompts: http://thehabitofbeing.com/writealm/

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M2 and AB, ages 4.5 and 3.5, enjoying the fading sunlight at the beach in 2011.

I had to look this one up. I've heard the word and know how it's used, but wanted to be sure I was doing it justice. To that end, a quick Google of the definition reveals the following:

halcyon (adj) -- describes a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful

A Hand To Hold

This is part of my April prompts series from the blog The Habit of Being. Each of the posts in this series will feature the prompt for that post as the post title. While I may sometimes use the current day's prompt, it is more likely that I will pick and choose as inspiration dictates. If you are interested in following along with the prompts or writing some of your own, here's the link to the page with April's prompts: http://thehabitofbeing.com/writealm/

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The nature of life is that we all sometimes need a hand to hold. 

A Little Something Different

The next couple of weeks are going to be a bit on the busy side with various things of life, so to that end, I am going to be using some prompts. I found a wonderful set of word prompts for April courtesy of a fellow blogger I found on Pinterest whose blog is called The Habit of Being. The full set of prompts for April can be found at http://thehabitofbeing.com/writealm/ if you're interested.

I'll still be participating in the Five Minute Friday community on Fridays and will try to post some other things as inspiration strikes and time permits. One project that is in the works for this Easter season is my conversion story. I have mentioned several times that I'm a convert to Catholicism and that I want to share that story with you, but have yet to put it all down. My goal is to have that finished and posted by Pentecost Sunday.

Finally, a brief update on my #oneword365 words for 2015. So far, I have managed to write at least 1 entry per week and most weeks at least 2 per week. There have been a couple of weeks when I've missed writing an entry, but for the most part, I've managed to "follow" through with my goal to "write" more consistently. The other part of "follow" is that I wanted to continue to follow through with some goals, follow up on some things that have been neglected for a while, and continue to follow Him with perseverance despite my struggles of mental health and how it has shaken my faith. The last one has been a real test for me, but I have managed to continue to do what I need to and have even had some moments where I feel as though my following Him hasn't been in vain. I suppose that's a positive thing.

For now, I need to move my feet and follow them upstairs to bed. It is the wee hours of the morning and my bed is calling me.

Five Minute Friday: Good

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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The stripped altar, empty tabernacle, and veiled statues at St. Joseph's parish in Macon, Georgia.

The pews are empty.

The altar is stripped bare of its cloth, candles, and flowers.

There is only the sound of absolute, deafening silence.

The tabernacle door is thrown wide open and the red sanctuary candle is extinguished because Jesus is not there. He has been reposed and the vigil of Good Friday has begun.

I sit in silence in that quiet, barren place and contemplate the crucifix and the coming Good Friday Service of Our Lord's Passion to take place in about 24 hours. We will venerate the cross by genuflecting, touching it, or kissing it. And I will cry. 

I will cry because I am not good. He is Goodness and did the ultimate good for me and for all humanity in that moment on the cross when He said, "it is finished." 

I am unworthy of His goodness and His good work for me.

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Pope St. John Paul II venerates the cross as it is held by the future Pope Benedict XVI.

"Behold the wood of the cross, on which hung the salvation of the world. Come, let us adore."

It is 24 hours later and I am crying. 

I am crying because of His goodness and my lack.

I am crying because I want to be worthy of this awesome, amazing, incomprehensible good that He did for me.

I am crying tears of gratitude for His love that would bear the agony of crucifixion for me.

I am crying momma tears of sorrow as I glance at my beautiful girls and feel with a jolt a tiny bit of what Our Lady must have felt as she gazed on her beautiful Son in His dying hours and recalled the baby she held, the boy she taught and nurtured, and the man He had become. I suddenly feel compelled to touch and hold and kiss all my girls and so in the midst of our standing to join the line going to venerate the cross, I hug all three in turn and kiss each on their foreheads.

I am crying because I feel so incapable of carrying my own cross that He has asked me to bear and yet it is so much lighter than His was.

And then the moment comes when I approach the cross and bend to touch and kiss His feet. Suddenly I am crying tears of love, adoration, and emotions too intense and complex for me to even articulate. It is the closest thing I have felt in the way of a connection to God in a good year and a half. 

I go back to my seat and kneel, tears still coming and my heart prays for more of this good. More of this kind of moment when suddenly the knowledge in my head and the deep yearnings of my heart connect. 

My eldest girl, M2, whispers, "Momma? I need a tissue" and I look at her face and see tears streaming down her face. As I get her one from my purse, she whispers, "Seeing Jesus on the cross made me so sad, Momma..." and suddenly it hits me that she has had her own moment with Him. I whisper back, "I know. Me too, sweetie." This moment she has had with Him is very good.

Oh, so much good on this Good Friday!

But the best good is yet to come....

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Join the Five Minute Friday fun at Kate Motaung's blog!

Spy Wednesday

I learned something interesting this week thanks to Fr. B. In his homily on Palm Sunday, he talked in depth about Holy Week, examining each day and talking about the significance of the day, how we celebrate it, what the Gospel reading for that day says, etc. Of course, having been a Catholic for 10 years now, I already knew most of it, but I learned something new. We have something called Spy Wednesday! 

No, not a day when we watch 007....

On Spy Wednesday, we hear the account of Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. The account of Judas' is recorded in all three synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark, and Luke). This year, the reading is from Matthew's gospel and begins with these verse:

The entire reading is Matthew 26:14-25.

Notice that it says that Judas "looked for an opportunity to hand him over." Sounds a lot like spying to me. So not only does Judas sell Jesus out by handing him over, but he's actively looking for a chance to do it. They go on to plan their celebration of the Passover meal and Judas is looking. Then they meet in the upper room to celebrate together and he's looking. What's more, Jesus, being truly divine as well as truly human, knows that Judas is looking. 

Can you imagine how heart-breaking that must have been for Jesus to sit at the table side by side with all the disciples, looking at their faces, washing their feet, and sharing this meal all the while knowing that Judas was looking for an opportunity to betray Him? Jesus' human nature must have felt a great dismay at this knowledge and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for Him to carry on with the meal as normal. 

One of the things that happened at the Last Supper was that Jesus washed the disciples' feet. This act is the institution of the priesthood as Jesus was showing them how they were to lead in His absence -- as servants. Prior to this, at supper, Jesus indicates to the twelve that one of them will betray Him and it is after supper that He washes their feet. Given that He had just told them that someone would betray Him, this would seem a good time for Him to refuse to wash the feet of His soon-to-be betrayer. 

But He doesn't. 

Jesus washes Judas' feet as well. He shows Judas grace and love and mercy, even as He knew what Judas was about to do. With the action of washing Judas' feet, Jesus shows everyone in the upper room and all of us who read the story today, the entirety of His message -- love, grace, mercy, hope, and forgiveness. That single action bears witness to the love of the Father, Christ's mission on earth, and the purpose of the Holy Spirit. 

Paul says this in his letter to the Romans:

"But God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (5:8)

If anyone was unworthy of such a gift, one would think that Judas Iscariot, the disciple of whom John writes, "Satan entered into him" (John 13:27a) would be unworthy to have his feet washed, to be shown love and mercy. But Judas was, like the rest of us, a sinner who was very much loved by Jesus. Even though Judas spied on Jesus, looking for an opportunity to betray him, he was no worse than any of the rest of us. We are all sinners and yet, Christ died for us.

How often do we allow the temptations of Satan to enter us and stay until we betray Jesus? 

How often have we been so mired in our sin that we have even looked for an opportunity to hand Him over?

We are all Judases in our own way. At every moment, He is Love Incarnate.

We all spy on Him, sick in our sin, and hand him over to be crucified again and again. And despite this, He washes our feet, shows us the depths of His love for us, and although He knows who we are and what we are about to do, allows our sin to hand Him over to the guards and nail Him to the cross.

And every heartbreaking time we come to Him in our sin, He offers to wash us clean again -- not through water poured over our feet -- but through the forgiveness that He made available to us through the cross. We need not be like Judas who was so full of bitter regret and despair, that he ran away from Jesus and toward death. All we need do is come to Him with a contrite heart, confess our sins, and receive His mercy and forgiveness.