FMF: Sing

I didn't think I had anything to say about this week's prompt word, but suddenly the first sentence came to me and then I found that I couldn't stop writing. I love my Five Minute Friday community, but on those weeks when the inspiration does actually come, five minutes just isn't enough to convey everything that is in my heart. So without further ado, this week's prompt word:

 

SING

What do you do when you can't sing?
What do you do when your heart can't hear the song anymore?
What do you do when the song that once called you now hurts you with its words?
What do you do when your voice leaves you and the notes are replaced with tears?

The good Christian and Catholic answer would be that you keep singing.

But it's not that easy. It's just not.

It's not that easy when every time your eyes take in the words on the music sheet or hymnal and you feel a knot in your stomach, a lump forming in your throat, a quivering tremble in your normally steady voice, or a white hot anger spreading through your chest. Honestly, sometimes when your the song becomes too painful to sing, what you do is stop singing.

I know. I know. That's not what you're supposed to do. But it happens.

Can I tell you something? Despite whatever message shame and guilt are telling you, sometimes it's 100% okay to stop singing. God understands. He understands the pain and suffering we are enduring and that sometimes forcing ourselves to sing just exacerbates that pain. He's felt the same pain you are feeling -- whatever that may be. He gets it in a way that no one else can or ever will. It's because not only did He feel that ache in your heart when He was put to death for the sins of mankind, but He feels it now. He is with you in your pain. More to the point, when we are suffering, we are closest to His Sacred Heart.

So what do you do when you can't offer a song of praise or worship or even thanksgiving to God? What on earth do you do?

You offer up your sorrows instead. Offer every tear, every heartache, every moment of screaming and shaking anger, and every little bit of you that hurts. Offer that up to Him. You may be asking the question, "well, how do I do that?" The easiest thing to do is to make a conscious decision that whenever you feel all the things that steal your voice, that you will say to Him, "Jesus, I offer these to You." It doesn't have to be any kind of flowery or fancy sounding prayer. Just a humble offering in the midst of pain. Yes, that sounds easy and yes, it's hard to do. It can be especially hard to do if you are angry with Him.

So if you're angry at Him, what then? If that is what you are feeling and you can't bring yourself to offer anything to Him, just offer Him the promise that you won't run away. You can rage. You can rail. You can scream. You can tell Him exactly how you feel and use all the swear words in your vocabulary. All of the above are acceptable because He can take it. Just offer Him the promise that no matter how angry you get, you will keep coming back to Him. That means that you'll continue to do at least the bare bones basics of faith so as not to let the relationship die. Things might be distant for a while and you might be tempted to turn away, but keep turning back to Him. Sing Him the song of your promise to be obedient and faithful even amidst your anger.

I know that if you are hurting -- no matter the reason -- that you may be screaming at your computer screen right now and telling me in no uncertain terms that I'm bonkers or that I don't get it. You may be crying as you read this because you think that there's no way that you'll ever sing again. You may be in such great pain that you are praying that He will mercifully take you from this life. You may have reached a point where you are no longer concerned with singing any song because you are thinking of ending your life yourself. 

I know absolutely all of these pains. I know the anger, the rage, the heartbreak, the deep ache of wanting the pain to stop, the praying that God would take my life, the thoughts of suicide so dark that I couldn't see my way into the next hour, much less tomorrow. I know all of these things so well, my friend. I get it on a deep level.

Actually, I get it right now. I've had a week when the heavy dark cloud has been hanging over me and I just couldn't shake it. This evening, in fact, I felt so overwhelmed by it that I lost my ability to care that I was in the floor, shaking with sobs, and my eldest daughter was watching it all. It was horrible. It's still not so great. My classically trained soprano voice hasn't sung at all this week.

To be honest, I've not regularly sung His praises in the way that I normally love to do, for almost three years. So what have I done? I've continued in obedience and done the bare bones. I've gone to Mass each week and on holy days. I've prayed the blessing over meals. I've prayed bedtime prayers with my children and husband. I've wept so many tears that they would likely fill a rather large vat by this point and many of them as I've been on my knees before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I've screamed at Him (yes, with profanities on occasion) and told Him how angry I am and that I felt abandoned by Him when I needed Him most. I have, in my own disjointed and imperfect way, tried to continue on in faith and obedience even when I didn't feel anything and even when I didn't want to anymore.

My efforts to that end haven't been fruitless, but I have needed an abundance of help from my spiritual director, Fr. B. and the graces of the sacraments of Reconciliation (confession), Anointing of the Sick, and the Eucharist. Those meetings with Fr. B and the graces I've received through frequent reception of the sacraments have been like a healing balm that works slowly, but steadily. I can't say that my song has returned in full, but I am finding moments when the words and music fill me up with more than pain. I still don't sing as much as I once did, but my voice is returning in fits and starts.

So if you can't sing and it hurts too much, know that you are not alone. He is with you even in your pain and anger and silence. May Christ who knows your pain and hears your silent anguished song abide with you until you can sing again.

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If you find yourself at that place where you are thinking of suicide, please reach out to someone. If you need it, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or if you'd rather text to someone, text the word HOME to 741741 and the Crisis Text line will text you back.

A Few Links for Wednesday

I don't often pass along links, but I save them a lot. Facebook is a place where I find a number of them. If you're on Facebook, did you know that you can save links? It's super easy. Just click (or tap if you're on your phone) the little arrow in the upper right hand corner of the post containing the link and select "save link." It will add the link to your "Saved" page. Then you can go back and look at your links at your leisure. I use this all the time when I run across something that looks interesting, but I don't have time to really read it or look at it right that moment. You can also use this feature to save pictures, videos, and posts (yours or others' posts) to look at later. I love it for all those yummy looking recipe videos that are floating around on Facebook. Anyhow, here's a few links that I've found recently that I thought you might enjoy having a look at. It's a hodgepodge of stuff, but life is a bit of a hodgepodge as well, right?

1. Catholics routinely make the sign of the cross at the beginning and ending of prayers, during Mass, and as a part of other rituals and rites. If you don't understand what it means, it can seem an empty gesture, but the reality is that it's full of meaning. This short video (only 2 minutes, 35 seconds) explains three awesome things that this gesture means.

If you're interested in learning more, this article "21 Things We Do When We Make the Sign of the Cross" from Catholic Exchange is a great list of things that the sign means. Even if you aren't Catholic, I highly encourage you to give either the video or article a look. It's really interesting stuff and will give you a greater understanding of this beautiful gesture of Catholic faith.

2. Since I have quite a few friends who, like me, have kids, I've seen this a few times, but it is really neat. It's a video that shows you how to make your own watercolour paints! Seriously. That is SO cool! I haven't tried it yet, but I really want to give it a whirl and see how they come out. It looks really easy and involves ingredients that most folks already on hand in their kitchen. I could see this also being something fun for grandparents, aunts/uncles, babysitters, or teachers to try. Crafty!

Homemade Watercolors
Posted by Skillshare on Tuesday, February 2, 2016

3. I am an unabashed Anglophile and Hibernophile. This means I really, really love most things that are British or Irish. :) Tea is one of my favourite things and it is so perfectly British and Irish that it might as well be a part of their collective DNA. It's so ubiquitous that they sometimes don't even bother saying "tea" at all, but will instead say to you, "Let's have a cuppa. I'll put the kettle on." Many British offices have tea trollies which are a cart that's pushed around the office so you can grab a cuppa and a biscuit (that would be a cookie to us Americans) for your break or to enjoy at your desk. People drink it black, with lemon, white (with milk), and with or without sugar. A particularly British thing is what many Americans refer to as either "afternoon tea" or "high tea." These are used interchangeably, but did you know they're not necessarily the same thing? This brief article highlights the similarities and differences. A word of caution though: it's likely to make you crave a cuppa and some scones! Here's the Difference Between Afternoon Tea and High Tea!

4. Because I love a good recipe, how about some Samoa Brownies? Om, nom, nom, NOM!!! A friend posted this on FB and I had to save it. They look so delectable and like they'd be pretty easy to make. Here's a picture of the finished product, courtesy of the blog Incredible Recipes from Heaven:

And of course, the link to the recipe! The blog post has step by step pictures to make it easier to see what it should look like as you go alone. Mmmmm....

5. And finally, but, I think probably the most important link of all, this link of a letter "To the Husband With the Wife Who Has Depression" If you don't look at any of the other links on this page, please give this a read. It is written from the perspective of the wife struggling with depression to her husband. I could have written every single word. As I read it, I found myself getting teary-eyed and choked up. So much of the thoughts in it resonate with me and my experience. It expresses not only how hard things are for the wife, but what she needs from her husband in the way of support and understanding. One thing that is different from my experience is that Gray actually knows all of this. I am so incredibly grateful that he does, so I posted this to my FB timeline and tagged him. I also added the following note to him:

I love you so much for knowing all this, for holding me fast through the darkest hours, for helping me grow beyond the place where I stay silent all the time, for being my safe place to fall when I do find reaching out hard, for all the sacrifices you've made for me both big and small, and for loving me mind, body, and soul with the love of Christ. I could say all this a thousand times a day and it wouldn't be enough to adequately express how grateful I am that God joined us together or how deeply I love you. You are my heart and my beloved. Always. xoxoxo 

Hope you've enjoyed one or more of these links! I'll share a few more another time. Have a great Wednesday!

Suicide Prevention Week - How You Can Help

Today's the day! It's both World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Day (USA).

One of my favourite charities that works to #StopSuicide is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are so dedicated to working toward their goal of reducing the number of suicides nationwide by 20% by the year 2025. I was so honoured to work with them by participating in one of their two national Overnight Walks this past summer in Boston. Not only was the walk an amazing experience, but my fundraising efforts were added to all the rest to total just over $3 million raised. That money will go to the various programs AFSP has which:

• help educate teachers, school administrators, students, businesses, and other professionals about suicide prevention and how to identify and help those in their schools and workplaces who may be at risk
• help those who have survived the loss of a loved one to suicide with grief support that is tailored to that specific kind of loss
• help local, state, and national government lawmakers create laws which will help raise awareness, educate others, and better enable those who need help to get it
• help raise awareness about suicide prevention through community programs, public service announcements, social media campaigns, billboards and the Field Advocacy program
• and help schools and other large organizations identify individuals who are at risk and help connect them with mental health services

I highly encourage you to consider getting involved with this organization in some way. Suicide is 100% preventable, but no one person can accomplish that feat. I may be wrong, but given that 41, 149 people died by suicide in America in 2013, I'd wager that the vast majority of Americans have been touched, in at least some small way, by suicide.

But being touched by it isn't enough. We need to use that sadness and grief to spur us into action to prevent other deaths. 41,149 deaths by suicide is 41,149 too many.

So what can you do?

1. Share your story of how suicide has touched your life. If it's a personal struggle, it may be very hard to share it, but know that by being courageous, you may just save a life. 
2. If you've already shared your story, keep sharing it. Once is great, but sharing it again and again reaches more people and that's the point of awareness -- to reach as many people as possible with the message.
3. Learn the warning signs of suicide. Check out this great graphic:
   
   Notice that first warning sign -- talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself. The others are very important, but if you hear someone talking about wanting to die, then STOP and PAY ATTENTION. Anyone who exhibits that warning sign should be taken very seriously. 
4. Educate yourself about mental illness. At least 90% (if not more) of people who end their own lives were struggling with a mental illness of some kind. It may have been diagnosed, but often it is something that hasn't been diagnosed for one reason or another. All mental illness carries with it some risk for suicide, but Major Depressive Disorder (aka Depression), Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) are the most common among people who have killed themselves. Learn the symptoms and signs of these illnesses and use that information to help those around you who are struggling. Encourage friends and family to seek out a professional evaluation if you or they suspect they may have a mental illness. A proper diagnosis is CRITICAL to getting proper treatment and going it alone because you're afraid may make things worse.
5. Get involved. Even if you can't do a community or Out of the Darkness walk with the AFSP or raise a lot of money, you can still make a difference. If you have access to a computer, you can #BeTheVoice for those who are struggling and need help by getting the word out via social media. You can do what I do and blog about suicide prevention and mental illness. You can reach out via phone, letters, and emails to your local and state governments and your national representatives and senators. You can write and call local television and radio stations on behalf of someone who is raising money. You can help organize a community walk fundraiser. You can make a commitment to pray every day for those who struggle and those who help them. There's LOTS to do.

I'll close this National Suicide Prevention Day with a special prayer to God, asking for the intercession of my patron saint, St. Dymphna. She is the patroness of mental illness and mental healthcare workers and is someone I've asked to pray for me many, many times. Feel free to pray along with me (the following is from a prayer card I have, hence the odd mention of "nervous disease"):

+ O merciful God, you have willed that St. Dymphna should be invoked as the patroness of nervous and mental disease. Grant that, through the prayer of this youthful martyr of purity, those who suffer from nervous and mental illness may be helped and consoled. I recommend to You in particular those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts that You would send loving hands and hearts to help them out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair and into the light of a new day. Grant them skilled and compassionate mental healthcare workers, a strong network of support, and the strength to persevere to the natural end of their lives. Through Christ, Our Lord. Amen. +

Suicide Prevention Week - Important Numbers To Know

Graphic courtesy of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

 This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. I had intended to write a bit about this topic each day, but life happens. Better late than never!

This is topic is SO important, so expect to see more than one post in the next few days. I'll be giving you some information, passing along some links, and hopefully, this will stick in your head so that if you encounter someone in crisis or you find yourself in crisis, you'll be better educated and ready to help.

First up -- the two most important phone numbers you need to know:

Graphic courtesy of suicidepreventionlifeline.org

This is, as it says, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It's totally free and available 24/7 every day of the year. When you call, the national number patches you through to the crisis center nearest you, which takes just a minute or so and then a trained crisis worker will answer your call. That person can be a listening ear and a resource for finding mental health services in your area. You can call even if you're not the one in crisis, but you're trying to help someone who is or you're worried about someone who is in crisis and don't know what to do. The entirety of the call is confidential as well. If you are calling because you are in crisis, don't worry about saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say, just make the call. So many times when I've been in a crisis situation, just being able to vent all my feelings to someone who will listen and not judge has been helpful enough to get me to a place where the feelings I'm feeling are a bit less intense. It's gotten me through the darkest of things so that I could get myself somewhere safe and with someone who could help me get through the rest of the crisis.

In an extreme emergency, the other number you can call is:

Graphic courtesy of 911.gov

This is, of course, valid in most of the United States and Canada, although it may not be a valid emergency number in other countries. Check with your local government to find the proper number for your area. If you are travelling abroad, here are a few of the most common emergency numbers:

• Most of Europe -- 112; in the UK and Ireland you can dial 999 as well as 112
• Australia -- 000
• New Zealand -- 111
• Parts of Africa -- 112 or 999
• Central and South America -- 911, 112, or 999 -- depending on the country

Calling 911 in this situation would be most appropriate when you are concerned about someone and are unable to be present with them. I had a friend who was concerned about me in college who did this. He was several states away and called 911. The dispatcher near him found out where I lived and where I went to school and alerted campus security who came and knocked on my door. He saved me from making a very big and potentially fatal mistake. You can also call if you are with someone and feel as though the situation is getting out of control (i.e. they've locked themselves in a bathroom with their means or potential means and they're not responding) or if you feel unable to help them on your own. If someone is seriously contemplating suicide, don't be afraid to dial 9-1-1 for help. This is definitely an emergency.

Next up: some resource links for helping yourself or helping someone you know who may be contemplating suicide.

Five Minute Friday: Free

 Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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Maybe you're tired of me talking about it, but that's okay. I'm good with that. It's my experience and my passion and something I think more people need to talk about. Of course, I'm talking about mental illness and mental health. For this Five Minute Friday, I want to talk about something that is related and something that REALLY needs talking about. I'm going to try to do it in 5 minutes.

Self-injury.

Yeah, it's a kind of scary thing to say aloud. I'll be honest. It's not the easiest thing to talk about with regard to my own experience. So why talk about it today, with this prompt?

Because I'm free of it.


It's something that plagued me on and off from about late middle school through my early 30s. Then I went through an intensive outpatient mental health program and using the education I gleaned from that, the coping skills I learned, and the help of my therapist Pendragon (who helped me uncover the reasons why I did it), I broke free of the stranglehold this habit had on my life.

This August will make six years of freedom from self-injury. And I'm pretty stinking proud of that.

One thing freedom from self-injury isn't: easy. It takes incredible effort and it takes vigilance. Freedom also isn't being free from thoughts and temptations to self-injure. The freedom is in resisting those thoughts and temptations. Every time you resist, you get a little bit stronger. I've had some fierce temptations. I've come very close to losing the fight with those thoughts a few times, especially in the early days.

Eventually though, I got to a place where one year became two and then three and at some point, I realised that when I'm tempted, the part of me that has become stronger with resistance says, "It's not worth it to throw all this hard work away and have to start again at square one." And the part of me that's fighting yet another temptation says, "You know? You're right." And the temptation loses and I win another victory.

I am free from self-injury. If you are struggling with it, know that there is hope for you to find freedom too. If you need a friend to encourage you along the way, email me at the link in the sidebar. I promise I'll listen and be there. You can do it! You can be free too!

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Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up at Kate Motaung's blog!

Five Minute Friday: Favourite

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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This beats fast food burgers ANY day!

See that picture above? Yeah, I'm going to admit it. That's one of my favourite things to chow down on when I'm ridiculously hungry. I mean, it's a behemoth of a burger, so hunger is a good accessory to have when attempting it, right? Even hungry though, sometimes I can't finish it. Granted, the fries sitting beside it might be partially to blame. They are another favourite of mine. The place that makes this yummy burger and fries is one of our family's favourite places to go eat. It's pricier than McDonald's or Wendy's but the quality is SO much better and we get the good feelings that come from helping a local business and business owner stay afloat. The owner is a fantastic guy and has become a good friend. He's always helping out in the community and even takes canned food donations to donate to the local food pantry (and you get a free drink if you donate 2 cans -- neat, no?). He's also a fellow Catholic, so we talk faith a good bit when we go in there if he's around and not too busy. I'll be honest though. There have been times when I've gone to eat my favourite when it just didn't enthuse me at all. It wasn't that the recipe had changed or that the burger or fries were cooked differently.

It was all inside my head. I couldn't summon up any of the excitement or usual happy anticipation that comes along with a favourite food. I've had this happen with chocolate, ice cream, my favourite colour, favourite songs, favourite activities, favourite books and movies, etc. I've even had it happen with my fandoms -- and y'all know how I am about my fandoms.

It's one of the hallmarks of intense depression. In psychological terms, it's called anhedonia which means a loss of interest or pleasure in things that normally give a  person pleasure or interest them. It's when your favourite colour becomes blah and chocolate might as well taste like wallpaper paste. It's when you don't feel that familiar thrill of excitement when someone tells you that a new movie in your fandom is coming out soon.

In a word, anhedonia SUCKS. It really really sucks to have all the little joys of life fade away and it makes depression that much harder because one of the suggestions that is usually made to help alleviate the symptoms of depression is to focus on the little things and little joys of life. All those little favourites that normally help lift your spirits should be something that you can turn to when depression gets really black and miserable, but thanks to the nature of this beast, it's often hard to do that. 

So what do you do when your favourite this or that just isn't anymore?

First, you need to make sure you mention this loss of interest to your therapist. He or she needs to know this because it's a serious symptom. Not only that, but your therapist will likely have some ideas for helping you with it.

Second, try to engage with your favourite things anyway -- even if you look at them and the sight of them makes you want to scream swear words and hurl them across the room. I've been there and there have been days when I've engaged with them and days when I haven't. Hey, I didn't say it was easy. It's not. This is probably harder than talking to your therapist.

Third, be gentle with yourself if you don't manage to engage with your favourites anyway. Try to find new things that interest you if you can. If not, employ other self-care tactics until you're able to engage with your favourite things again. For example, my favourite colour is red. I have more red in my wardrobe (especially shirts) than I probably need. When my depression got very very bad at the beginning of this episode, the red disappeared because I couldn't look at it, much less wear it. It wasn't just red though. I tried to wear things that were other colours, but found myself repulsed and annoyed to the point that it was distracting and totally unhelpful, so I engaged in self-care. My self-care was to clothe myself in black from head to toe. That might seem an odd, counterintuitive sort of self-care thing, but it worked and it enabled me to focus more on treatment and life in general because it eliminated the frustration of everything feeling all wrong all the time. It's been almost 2.5 years since this episode began and the red went away and I still cannot wear it (or its derivatives like pink, magenta, etc.) much at all. I've branched out from the black some in the last 6 months and wear some blues, whites, greens, and dark purples, but little to almost zero red. I'm working on getting back to my favourite colour again, but I don't know when that will be -- and that's okay.

One final honest admission --- I've gone way over on my time limit for this week. Way over. Sorry Kate! I just got rolling and couldn't seem to stop. But this is all from the heart and it's where I am this week.

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up your post at Kate Motaung's blog!

Update - June 24, 2015

Life has been moving along pretty quickly these days. I haven't been writing a whole lot, but I've been trying to keep up with the Five Minute Friday posts as often as possible (along with joining the #fmfparty on Twitter on Thursday nights!) and post the odd thing as I am inspired. To be perfectly honest, depression has been kicking my tuchus of late. The last week or so has been a bit better, but I've been in trip planning/packing mode so blogging has been lower on my list of priorities.

Trip, you ask? Why yes indeed!

I'm headed to Boston this weekend for the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk which raises funds for suicide prevention (<---- click the highlighted link to donate to my fundraising efforts). It's organized by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the funds raised go to support their programs which help educate people about suicide prevention, help those in crisis situations, advocate for better mental health care, and provide support programs for those who have lost a loved one as the result of suicide (those people are often called "suicide survivors" which is not to be confused with people who have survived a suicide attempt). They have a very ambitious, but I believe doable, goal of reducing suicide by 20% by the year 2025. Given that approximately 112 Americans die by suicide every day, that's saving just over 8,000 a year! What a huge difference that would make!

So to help achieve this goal, the AFSP does local walks and national walks. The walk in Boston is one of two national walks this year and will take place this Saturday night. It starts at dusk and you walk a distance of about 16-18 miles through the night and into the dawn of a new day. The journey is a symbolic one in that for those who struggle with suicidal thoughts, often the darkness seems to go on forever, but the reality is that the dawn does come if you hold on long enough. The reality is that the dawn is hope and there is hope for those who are struggling with the kind of intense mental illness that leads one to contemplate or attempt suicide.

For me, this is both a journey of solidarity and also a personal journey. If you've read much of my blog, you'll know that I am no stranger to depression and suicidal thinking. Both have been with me for many years and will likely be with me most of my life. For me, this walk is something I want to do to show support to others who struggle but also as a means of healing for myself. It is my hope -- and it makes me a bit nervous to use that word -- that this experience will help heal some old wounds and some more recent wounds and greatly diminish the struggle with suicidal thoughts that has plagued me so intensely for the last couple of years.

I'm not expecting a miraculous sort of healing to take place, but I know that these kinds of things do have the potential to cause certain things in us to shift, to get us thinking, and perhaps prompt us toward positive change. I know one change it has already wrought in me and that's that I feel a definite pull toward becoming more involved in mental health awareness and advocacy. I'm not sure where that's going to lead, but this walk is a good place to start, I think. During the walk, I am going to take lots of pictures and I'm going to try to blog some of those either during the walk itself or just before I crash post-walk, so be on the lookout for that!

For now, I need to start a load of laundry so that tomorrow I'll be ready to get my bag packed. Please say a prayer for me as I take this journey and pray for Gray too. He's going to be home with our three wild little women for the whole weekend while I do this. I know he's up to the task, but I also know how energetic and sometimes trying they can be.

Pax Christi,
TM

Five Minute Friday: World

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I look around at the world sometimes and I wonder if me, being just one person, can do anything that truly matters or makes a difference. I'd love to be able to change the world in a positive way, but the world is so big and complicated and there's so much red tape and strife everywhere, that it can be overwhelming to even think about where to get started.

The conclusion I've come to again and again is that in order to change the world, I have to be willing to do my little part. No big change or even little change comes without effort on the part of someone or a group of someones. Even a small thing can, when added to a bunch of other small things, become something that makes a positive change in the life of someone else in the world. And isn't that what its all about? Wanting to make a difference in this world -- whether it's nature conservation, the environment, animal welfare, human welfare, poverty, or whatever -- is about making a change that will benefit someone else's life in a positive way.

So you start small. You take that first step. Sign up for a group or a newsletter. Get involved with a local charity. Do a little bit. But don't stop there. Keep going. Keep getting involved with whatever cause sets your heart on fire.

For me, one of those causes is mental illness education and advocacy. To that end, in just over two weeks time I am going to be in Boston, MA doing a walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It's called the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk and the funds each walker raises help educate others about suicide prevention, help those in crisis, advocate for better mental health care programs, and provide support programs for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is a fantastic cause. So far, I have raised the requisite amount, but this particular cause is so dear to me (given my own struggles with depression and suicidal ideation) that I would love to raise a bit more.

Would you consider helping me?

It's very easy to do. Just click on the link below to go to my fundraising page (it's a page set up by the AFSP) and click the bright orange donate button at the top of the page. Absolutely ANY contribution is greatly appreciated. Your donation, along with many others, will help save lives and any life that can be saved from suicide is a definitely a great way to change the world.

My fundraising page

Some of my thoughts on depression and suicide:
10 Things To Know About Depression (this is a two part post - part 1 and part 2)
Understanding More About Suicide

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up at Kate Motaung's blog!

Five Minute Friday: Blue

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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The very blue sky of twilight silhouetting the bare branched oak in our front yard.

Have you ever had a blue day? You know what I  mean. A day when you felt down or sad or just in some kind of a funk? I think we all have.

As you may have noticed, I write a lot about having blue days and that's because so much of what I deal with on a daily basis is depression. But depression isn't a blue day. It can be a blue mood, but depression is much more than that. For me, when my depression gets very very bad, it's much closer to inky black than blue.

The fact is that depression is far more than just a blue day. It is a diagnosis of a particular mental illness. It's much more complex than just feeling down or even feeling hormonal because it's "that time of the month." It's more than just getting angry because someone hurt your feelings. It's more than the heartbroken feeling of having a boyfriend break up with you or a friend be unkind. It's not just feeling a little less hungry or having such a rotten day that you feel like you need a slice of chocolate cake.

Depression is all of these things at once and multiplied by 100 or more. Truthfully, these symptoms are just the short list and 100 is a conservative figure. I've had days where it was so heavy that it felt like it was closer to multiplied by 1000. It's a complex and often puzzlingly arduous disease to deal with and one that I wouldn't wish on the most evil person in the world. It is a fight and a struggle -- sometimes one that is so intense and difficult that it becomes a matter of life and death.

So I say this to say this -- please remember when life gets you down and you're having a blue day that it's not the same thing as feeling depressed or struggling with depression. Please don't say that you are "so depressed" when the reality is that given a few hours' good sleep, a long chat with a good friend, or even a slice of that chocolate cake, you'll find yourself feeling much better. Blue days are blue days and exaggerating them into something they are not diminishes the real struggle of mental illness.

For more information about what depression looks like and how to help and support those you know who are struggling with it, read 10 Things To Know About Depression (part 1 and part 2).

And since today's prompt word is blue....my new pretty blue fingernail polish! Ta da!!!

It's hard to tell in this picture, but it's sparkly too! So much fun in such a tiny bottle!

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up at Kate Motaung's blog!

10 Things To Know About Depression (part 2)

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(This is part two of my post on 10 Things To Know About Depression. Click above for part one.)

6. People struggling with depression who are also suicidal do not always need hospitalisation or a trip to the ER.

A common misconception with regard to suicidal thinking is that the person who is experiencing it is suddenly in need of super intensive intervention like a trip to the ER or being admitted inpatient. True, this is sometimes necessary, but most of the time, what a person struggling with suicidal thoughts needs is someone to listen to them and show that they care. If someone you know tells you that they are struggling with suicidal thoughts, the most beneficial thing you can do for them in most cases is stay with them (or find someone else to stay with them), listen to them and encourage them to keep talking. Let them know how loved, important, and needed they are, and remain with them until such time as these thoughts pass. The thing most people do not understand about actively suicidal thinking is that, for the most part, it encompasses a rather narrow window of time and if you can help a person find their way through that window to the other side, then you give them another day to live and love and fight this illness. 

Of course, there certainly are times when intensive intervention is necessary, but it MUST be done in a way that respects the person's dignity and humanity and doesn't make the situation worse. For more information on how to help someone who is suicidal, please read my post on Understanding More About Suicide.

10 Things To Know About Depression

There is a statistic that I have heard which states that 1 out of every 4 people has struggled with depression at some point in their life. It is a very common mental illness and as such, it is likely that someone in your life has struggled with it or is currently struggling with it. 

With that in mind, here are 10 things to know about depression:

1. Depression is no respecter of persons.

Depression strikes the old, young, rich, poor, fat, thin, those who are alone, those surrounded by loved ones, famous, unknown, every race, every religion (or lack of religion), and people of every conceivable creed. No one, by virtue of his/her status in life is necessarily immune from the possibility that they may suffer with this illness. Certainly, there are particular life situations which make depression less likely, but none are a guarantee.

St. Patrick's Day and How I Got My Tattoo

St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, the Archdiocese of New York and engineers.

Most people think of St. Patrick's Day as a day when people drink green beer, wear green, and claim Irish ancestry -- whether or not they have it. It is often seen as an excuse to party and act a little crazy. I'll admit, that it is fun to have a party on St. Patrick's Day, but the day is more than that. Like St. Valentine's Day, it began as a Catholic feast day to honour a saint -- in this case, St. Patrick. A feast day, in this sense, has to do with a special day set aside by the Catholic Church to celebrate a particular saint. Of course, many Catholics do feast in the common sense of the word and eat special foods that are associated with that saint or have a party with friends and family on the day as a part of their celebrations, but the reason they celebrate in the first place is because of the saint whose feast day it happens to be. Just so with St. Patrick.

7 Quick Takes Friday - March 13, 2015

I've seen this link up for ages now and have always thought it looked like a fun one. I thought I'd give it a go today. If you want to join me with your own 7 Quick Takes, you can link up at This Ain't The Lyceum.

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1. It's Friday and it's Lent, so that means it's a meatless/fish only day. Normally we do fish (and we may do that tonight) but since I like to pretend I'm a domestic diva and that I might actually make some amazing meatless meal for my family, I enjoy looking at recipes. I found a list of 29 meatless meals at Buzzfeed that included several whose pictures made my mouth water.  Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese? Yes, please!

Here's the link to the recipe for the above gorgeousness: Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese

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2. Part of breaking the stigma of mental illness is changing the way we understand what mental illness is. For so long, these illnesses have been seen as something entirely different from any other bodily illness, simply because their source is in the brain. It is as though our brains are somehow not connected to the rest of us. Mental illness is just that -- illness. It needs to be viewed like any other illness so that there is no shame associated with having one or being treated for it. Think of it this way: you wouldn't think twice about seeing your doctor regularly for treatment of diabetes or be ashamed that you were undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. So it needs to be with mental illness. I saw this link via a friend on Facebook and I think it captures perfectly this idea: 

"I wear glasses. Could I manage without glasses? Yes, probably. I could squint a lot..."

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3. It just opened today (March 13th), but I can't wait to take my two big girls to go see this! I wasn't sure if it was going to be an appropriate adaptation for their ages (8 and 7), but after seeing a review from a friend who has a little girl their age and reading this review by Decent Films reviewer Steven Greydanus, this looks like one that will be a fun, entertaining, and family friendly good time. By the way, Steven Greydanus does good work with his website. He is Catholic and sometimes his reviews reflect that, but mostly, his movie reviews will give you a good idea of whether or not something is worth seeing and will definitely tell you if a so-called "family film" is worthy of the moniker. Plus, he's an all-around, genuinely nice guy (I met him once and had a great conversation about family and entertainment).

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4. I know I'm a little bit late in this, but because I am and always will be, a sci-fi geek, a little tribute to the late great Leonard Nimoy with some help from the next generation represented by Zachary Quinto. Rest in peace, Mr. Nimoy. #LLAP:

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5. The Village Chocolate Shoppe in Bennington, VA decided to try and break a Guinness World Record for the largest peanut butter cup, so they made one that was 230 pounds!!! Even better than the gigantic size and potential record breaking is the fact that once all the measurements were made, it was cut up and sold in pieces with the profits benefiting Project Against Violent Encounters, a charity which offers support and help to victims of domestic and sexual violence. Here's a picture, courtesy of Time.com, of the behemoth confection:

230 pounds of chocolate and peanut butter -- yes, please!!

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6. Gray shared this with me earlier in the week and it made me belly laugh. Even now, it still elicits a giggle. I love stuff that repeatedly makes me laugh. Laughter is helpful medicine for many ills. Without further ado.....*giggles*.....

*snort...giggle...snort....heeheehee...*

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7.  In case you haven't noticed, I love to share a good laugh. If you've never gone and read anything at Hyperbole and a Half, you absolutely owe it to your funny bone to go read. Allie Brosh is a genius and if her stories from her childhood with their accompanying drawings don't make you laugh, you might need a humor infusion. I mean, look at her blog header. How could you not love this?

L-R: The Alot, Simple Dog, Helper Dog, and the author

She also writes with a lot of bravery, honesty, and of course, humor about her struggles with depression (those posts have funny pictures too!). You can find those two posts here and here. My favourite posts of hers are:  

The God of Cake 

This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult (where her illustration about ALL the things comes from!) 

The Alot is Better Than You at Everything 

and Sneaky Hate Spiral.

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Don't know if I'll manage to do this blog linkup every week, but I'm going to try! See you next week (hopefully)!

Five Minute Friday: Plan

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I've been planning this for a good year. It's not a wedding or the birth of a child. It's something altogether different. I suppose planning might be stretching it just a little bit. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've been discerning it for a year. I finally made my decision in February and I am so glad I did.

You see, I've been planning to take a walk.

It's a walk of 16-18 miles, done all during the night -- a walk through the darkness. In fact, it is called the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk. It's to raise funds for suicide prevention and awareness about this important cause. It's to give a voice to those who are struggling and to those who are grieving. It's to lend support and care to those who need it -- be they suicidal or bereaved over someone they have lost because of suicide. It is for my own healing.

You see, for me, the struggle is real. I've been to the edge. I've been afraid to ask for help. I've been afraid to admit how much I wanted to die. I've been afraid to admit that I was struggling with debilitating depression in the first place. It's not just a reality that i've struggled, but a recent reality -- like in the last two years. Over the course of the last two years I have been to this darkest of places many, many times. Thankfully, I have had the support of family, friends, and my therapist to bring me back to a place where death was not so much, to quote Hamlet, "a consummation devoutly to be wished."

David Tennant as Hamlet -- Go watch the famous soliloquy here. He is amazing.

So many sojourns through such a miry and dark place have left bruises, deep wounds, and even scars on my spirit that will take not only time, but action to heal. For me, part of that action is this walk and there is a part of this walk that I did not plan. When I go up to Boston and put my feet to the pavement in the middle of the night, I will be walking into the dawn of the 2nd anniversary of my own near suicide attempt. When I decided to do this, I knew the date was in June but never realized that it was exactly the same date. I think this was a God plan because there's no way I could have planned it.

Some are not so well supported.
Some are even more afraid than I.
Some who struggle don't know where to turn for help even if they get over their fears.

That is why I am planning to take this walk.

For those who have yet to break their silence. For those who need a helping hand. For me as I journey my own road of recovery.

So my plan is this -- to walk through the night and into the dawn of a new day.
-- to continue to raise funds for my participation in this walk
(please click the previous sentence if you'd like to donate -- any amount is so helpful and so very appreciated!)
-- to do my utmost to get stronger through activities like this walk alongside my therapy and other resources

-- to do my part to help others help themselves.

Join the Five Minute Friday fun and link up your post at Kate Motaung's blog!

Daybook Online Journal -- Week of March 10, 2015 (late)

Welcome to my weekly Tuesday post where I remember the ups and downs and big and little things of daily life for me and my family. I call it my Daybook Online Journal and it's an idea I found via fellow blogger Jenny at her blog, The Littlest Way. Thanks for the inspiration, Jenny! The prompts are a combination of several I've found as I've been researching this particular way of chronicling daily life. Come on in and reflect with me!

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Outside my window... It's rather overcast today as it's been really rainy in the last 24 hours and the rain isn't quite gone. Not weather related, but the last couple of days have seen some random flocks of birds descend into our yard. Lots of twittering and tweeting sounds from the trees and bushes. Yesterday it was a really neat sound mixed with the gently falling rain.

 

Highlights from the week... 

• This week I shared my heart and my struggles with major depression and suicidal thinking with a much wider audience. I broke my 25+ years of silence by posting about it publicly on this blog and then sharing it with a very wide audience. I invited others to share my post and the response was overwhelming. I have no idea how many people have shared it, but based on Facebook's stats, as of the writing of this, it has reached 1,538 people. I am so humbled that it has made such an impact and I hope it will continue to do so.
• Unfortunately, Gray got my upper respiratory bug. He started feeling poorly toward the weekend and wound up going to the urgent care clinic on Sunday to get checked. Thanks to some medications and decent rest, I'm happy to report that he's doing better as of the writing of this, although still feeling a bit on the tired side.
• Our littlest bear, GB, is another story. As I type this, she is snuggled up next to me on the couch and feels a touch on the warm side. She went to the doctor yesterday because I suspected she was not well and it turns out she has an ear infection. She got some antibiotics, but I have a feeling it's going to be another day before she's feeling more like herself. Poor little dear!
• M2 and AB had Monday off from school and it also happened to be the day before my birthday, so we (along with GB) met up with my mom for breakfast and a day of shopping and fun together. 
• Got a few new items for my wardrobe which was a very good thing as it's been looking pretty ragged and thin of late. My favourite is a really fun retro sort of swing dress that is a baby pink with tiny black polka dots and a matching black lace trim that is attached to the skirt lining and peeks out from beneath the skirt hem. It's so cute! I also got a few tops -- one of which is this really pretty teal blue floral print that looks fabulous with black slacks or jeans.
• My new tea maker from Teavana and the tea I bought to go with it -- YUM! This was my birthday present to myself and I can already tell it's going to be something I use almost daily.

 

 This week I am thankful for...

• The overwhelmingly positive response to my Breaking My Silence post about my struggles with major depression and suicidal thinking. I cannot express how grateful I am that so many people shared this with others and the way this post has already reached a number of people. My prayer is that God will continue to use it to help others.
• Modern medicine -- yet again. The older I get, I think the more thankful for this I am. I include in this not only diagnostics and pharmaceutical medicines, but also mental health care.
• Email -- for allowing me a way to keep in touch with certain people and also as a means of setting up appointments, meetings, and fun times.
• The vast expanse of the internet. I received some more detailed information this week about exactly where the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk will start in Boston and the hotel that we get a discount on if we stay there. I was instantly able to look up the location, the hotel, and a whole host of other information on the area. I've also been using it lately to check rates for flights and do comparisons between originating cities and different carriers.
• The Voxer app -- something I really enjoy using to chat with my friends Jae and T. 
• The ladies in my online NFP group who have been such good friends to me for almost a decade. I love all these ladies for so many reasons and feel so blessed to be part of this community and even more blessed to have met quite a few of them in person. I can't wait for the next retreat in 2016!!! :)
• Five Minute Friday -- both the #fmfparty on Twitter on Thursday nights and the community as a whole -- lots of inspiration, support, and just great folks all the way around. 

Praying for...

• For all those who are participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight Walks in Dallas and Boston -- for their fundraising efforts, training, and the people who will benefit from their support for this cause. I am so blessed to be a part of the Boston walk this June!
• My friend P's husband B who has been in and out of the hospital with sepsis and a badly infected leg. She has been through the mill with hospitals not giving good care and has been dealing with her hubby's illness on top of caring for her three kids.
• My friend A's son L who had an accident at home recently and is now having some scary medical issues.
• My friend Jae and her needs
• My bestie Sif and her new situation and rejoicing with her over WonderBoy's recent achievements.
• For M2 as she continues to prepare for her First Holy Communion and in thanksgiving for her joy over receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time (and again a second time this past weekend at her request!).
• For Gray's and GB's health as they continue to recover from their illnesses.
• For all those who are being persecuted for their faith, especially for those who are facing certain death for their beliefs.
• For a good and holy Lent for all those who are in the midst of it and preparing for Easter and in particular, for those who are preparing to be received into the Catholic faith at the Easter Vigil.

 Reading...

• Today's daily Mass readings -- Deuteronomy 4:1, 5-9; Psalm 147; Matthew 5:17-19
  
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling -- continuing my re-read
• The Secret History of the Pink Carnation by Lauren Willig 

Listening to...

• Called to Communion and Open Line podcasts on the EWTN Radio app
• Gently falling rain outside 
• My baby girl's soft snores

I am learning... to be totally open and honest about my struggles with depression and suicidal thinking and that it's okay to do so.

 

My favourite quote of the week...

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always...so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

-- from Life of Pi by Yann Martel 

 Picture of the week... 

This is a picture of my new tea maker. Well, this isn't my actual tea maker, but a picture I found online of it. I bought it at our local Teavana for my birthday along with some Blueberry Kona Pop tea (SO tasty iced!). I've used it twice so far and absolutely love it. It makes tea making dead simple. Just add tea and your choice of sweetner to the mug and pour hot/boiling water over it. Allow time to steep and when it's reached the desired strength, sit it atop your favourite cup or glass and the tea streams out of the bottom of the brew mug. I foresee a lot more tea in my future!

 

See you next week!!