Day Two: Tell

This blog post is part of my 2017 Write 31 Days blog series 31 Reflections on Mental Health and Illness. To read the whole series, click here for the series index page.

When it comes to caring for your mental health, in my opinion, there's no more important thing than today's prompt. One of the lies that a mental illness will tell you is that you are totally alone in your struggles and that if you tell someone about what you're feeling or thinking, no one will care or believe you or they'll think less of you. This is often a hard lie to overcome, but it is an absolute requirement that you overcome it. If you don't tell someone, it won't have even a prayer of getting better. Once you overcome this, you've taken your first step on the road toward healing and health. With that in mind, here are three "tells" that are helpful as you journey forward.

1. Tell a licensed professional therapist or counsellor.

Talking to a friend or family member about what you're feeling is a great first step and it will help to a certain degree. We all need friends and family around us who are willing to listen when we need to vent, but if you're struggling with mental illness, just venting isn't going to be quite enough. A counsellor provides a neutral, non-judgmental, and outside perspective on what you're going through. They can also see things that you (and your friends or family) may not be capable of seeing due to their education and experience. Finally, a counsellor or therapist can refer you to a psychiatrist if you need medication, a psychologist for testing or more focused treatment, or other helpful resources that apply to your situation. A counsellor isn't there to tell you what to do or fix the issue for you. They are there to listen, offer perspective and insights, and guide you toward helping yourself.

Oh, and if you need to vent, they are there for that too. I have lots of people I can vent to, but there is something quite different about venting to my therapist inasmuch as I can say absolutely whatever comes into my head without fear of judgment. For his part, he often replies to my venting with something that brings about a new insight for me or helps me process whatever I'm venting about in a way that a friend or family member just can't do.

2. Tell someone if you are having thoughts of suicide.

This one is an absolute MUST. I cannot stress the importance of this one enough.

If you are thinking of killing yourself -- even if it's just a fleeting thought that goes away -- tell someone about it. It doesn't really matter who you tell, so long as you tell someone. Thoughts of suicide are serious and I want you to keep living. You can tell:

• a friend 
• a family member
• a therapist/counsellor
• a doctor or nurse
• a minister 
• a coworker
• a police officer or firefighter
• or even a stranger. 

So what if you don't feel comfortable telling anyone in your day to day real life because you're afraid of being judged or of what will happen to you if you confess those thoughts? You can tell someone and remain anonymous.

• In the US, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or you can go to their website and use their online chat to talk to someone about those thoughts. 
• If you don't want to talk to someone on the phone or via online chat, you can also text. Just text the word HELP or TALK or HELLO to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 and a trained crisis counsellor will text with you about what you're feeling. 

I keep both of these numbers stored in my phone contacts so that if I'm struggling and need an immediate listening ear, I don't have remember them or look them up in the moment. I would encourage you to do the same or at least jot them down on something to put in your wallet or purse.
 
3. Tell your story.

This one may seem counter-intuitive, but trust me. Telling your story can be incredibly helpful and healing. Despite the fact that we are talking about issues surrounding mental health and mental illness more than ever these days, we still have a long way to go toward eliminating the stigma that surrounds this subject in our society. People remain very shy and secretive about the fact that they have struggled with depression or anxiety. They worry about what others will think about them if they know or they consider it a "personal" matter that isn't something that they feel comfortable sharing with anyone. They may get treatment for it, but they do it quietly and perhaps no one ever knows, but them and their tightest inner circle.

Besides getting treatment, one of the best things I ever did for myself was to start writing about my struggles with mental illness. It was really hard when I began sharing openly about depression, anxiety, PTSD, struggles with my faith, etc. but the more I have shared, the more I have begun to understand how much it helps me. Eventually, I wrote a public declaration of the fact that I will no longer remain silent about my struggles with mental illness. I shared that one blog post as far and as wide as I could. I asked others to consider sharing it too. I am convinced that if more of us were completely vulnerable with each other, then in time, the stigma would be significantly reduced to almost nothing and those who struggle would realise that they are not alone and would feel comfortable getting the help they need.

This is why I encourage you to tell your story to the world. You need not blog about it or share it all over Facebook. You can start small by telling a friend, coworker, neighbour, or acquaintance that you've never confided in about your struggles. You can join a mental health advocacy group and tell your story to those in the group. Of course, you can blog about it too. For me, telling my story has involved all of those and by and large, it has had a real healing effect on me. There is something incredibly powerful about bringing your struggles into the light which makes you stronger and the illness weaker. By giving voice to your pain and mental health struggles, you also encourage others who may be fighting their illness without help to know that they are not alone and that help is available. It may be hard (and it's still hard for me sometimes), but I know you can do it!

Introducing: 31 Reflections on Mental Health and Illness

 

The background of this is images from a special box I made during a period of intensive outpatient therapy. The many images are reflective of who I am, things I like, and goals I set for myself during that time.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” 

– Ferris Bueller

Indeed, life does move fast and it hardly seems like two years have passed since I did my first Write 31Days series. I remember being rather daunted by the prospect of writing every single day on a single topic, but felt like God was pushing me to both write and to write about my struggles with mental illness. That series was called 31 Days of Stumbling ThroughDepression and it was about my struggles with a particularly difficult episode of depression. Had I known then what I know now, I would have titled it a bit differently and changed the word “depression” to either “PTSD” or “mental illness.”

At the end of that series, I had intended to keep writing my story, but discovered that I needed a break from it. Instead, I started writing other things about faith, family, and life in general. The thing is though, that try as I might, I couldn't get away from the subject of mental health or my personal struggles. I took a pretty long break from writing a lot about it, but eventually, with a mention of something here or a post on a subject there, I kept writing about it in a roundabout sort of way. My posts have been sporadic at best and not really much of a story, except for the fact that much of the things I've written have been pieces of my story.

I thought that I wanted to continue where I left off two years ago with this year's series, but after much discernment and looking at this year's Five Minute Friday Free Write prompts for 31 Days, I decided to go in a different direction. Part of my discernment about this included the fact that, as in the last two years, I have a lot on my plate with staying on top of my mental health, family life, and helping organise our local Out of the Darkness Community Walk for Suicide Prevention.

To that end, instead of continuing my personal story, I am going to use this year's FMF prompts to do a series of reflections on mental health and illness. Each post will feature the day's prompt word and a brief reflection on a mental health or illness topic. Although I'm not going to really do these in five minutes or actually as a free write, I want to keep them fairly short and edit them as little as possible so as to keep with the spirit of Five Minute Friday. Although this won't exactly be a continuation of my story, I will be sharing pieces of it at times along the way as well as sharing things I've learned through my journey.

I hope that you will find these posts to be helpful and educational in some way. Please feel free to leave me comments and let me know if you found them helpful. I'd also love to know your thoughts on these topics too! Most of all, my prayer is that these posts will serve to bring light to the darkness and hope for those who may be struggling (or watching a loved one struggle) with mental illness. God bless you!

Five Minute Friday: Expect

It's Friday and that means it's time for the linkup at the Five Minute Friday blog! Since the last time I linked up with the FMF community, Kate has moved things from her personal blog to a new space that is totally dedicated to FMF. Go check it out! This week's prompt word is....

EXPECT

Friends, it is June. More to the point, it's almost the middle of June. I have been so inundated with the stuff of life lately that I just haven't had the time or mental energy to write in this blog. I don't know why I can't seem to make myself do it. I guess I've gotten out of the habit (not that it was such a firm habit to begin with!). I start posts and then don't finish them. I just looked and I literally have over 100 posts that are drafts. They're just sitting there, waiting for me to do something with them. I don't know what I'm expecting. It's not like they're going to finish themselves or edit themselves. Some of them aren't actually too bad.

Several months back we actually had this prompt word and I had a pretty decent post going with it. I had actually finished it, but it was long and seemed really disjointed to me, so onto the scrap heap it went! Looking back over it, I can see now where it can be cut and not lose meaning or impact. That's what I feel like I'm always chasing. I write so many words and so often, I'm scared of cutting things. I'm scared of just writing without editing too. I don't know what I expect the reaction of others to be to my verbose ramblings. Maybe they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe they'll think I talk too much. Maybe they'll think that I need to just stop writing altogether because I really really suck at it. These are the voices in my head that keep me from writing a lot of the time.

Even when I do write something that feels like it's pretty good, I wind up getting scared to publish it. I've felt this way from the beginnings of this blog and I don't know how to conquer these feelings. I don't know how to change this. I think it's because I expect my writing, my blog, and all of it to be as good and polished and lovely to look at as my fellow bloggers. The thing is, I don't really like polished and pretty all the time because it's not who I am. But polished and pretty gets people to read and to comment.

Baring your soul, talking about uncomfortable things like mental illness, and trying to write in such a way that causes people to think seems to be met with silence and indifference. It makes me wonder who is reading and if they care. Then I wonder why I care so much about that. I try not to care, but here I am, caring again. Here I am second guessing myself. Here I am wondering if when you finish reading this, you will forget this as soon as your eyes hit the last word. Here I am wondering if what I have to say about anything is worth sharing with the world. These thoughts and wonderings and fears are what keep me from writing. I don't want to expect anything of this, but I am only human and we human beings are messy, complicated, and complex that way.

I don't even know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me or if I should expect it to make sense. I just know that I feel compelled to return to this space and write. I just don't know if I ought to expect anyone to read it.

Quick Update -- November

It's been well over a month since I've written. I'm still alive and kicking, although more than a little bit busy. This time of year is normally very busy for our family (LOTS of birthdays, feast days, holidays, parties, school performances, etc), but it has been made even busier by an increase in therapy for me. I'll just suffice it to say that I was dreading the general election on November 8th for various reasons and then the results hit me very, very hard. I am, quite honestly, still trying to recover from that. That may not make much sense to many of you, but it is where I'm at right now. Perhaps one day I'll write more about what happened that day and what I'm currently feeling, but now is not the time for it.

Speaking of writing, I don't know how much I'm going to be writing in the next month or so. I'm kind of re-evaluating what I want to write about in this blog and if I even want to continue this blog at all. I think it serves a purpose at times, but sometimes I'm not sure that it's what I want to keep doing. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and ideas for posts, but I'm struggling a lot to make any of it make sense or sound coherent. I'm also struggling to stay true to my goal of writing on a consistent basis. I'm not totally ready to give it up, but I'm trying to discern what the best path is for me. Right now, this blog is definitely on the back burner as my family and my spiritual and mental health are my top priority.

If you want to keep up with new posts, the best way to do that is to like my blog Facebook page (Tales From A Southern Catholic Momma). When I post something new here, I'll add a post there with a link. It seems the easiest way to handle things. For now, that's about all I've got.

Pax!

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lately when I sit down to write in this blog, I find that I just can't make the words come. I'm not entirely sure why that is. It isn't that there aren't things in my head or ideas that I have. I have actually started quite a few posts which have gone unfinished because I just can't make them come together. I feel like I sit here staring at the screen quite a lot and trying to make sense of things.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

The cursor sort of sits there and mocks me -- or at least it feels that way. What to say?

Doctor Who and Catholicism

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you will know two things about me:

1. I am Catholic
2. I am a fangirl.

If you put those two things together, you can reasonably say that I am also a Catholic fangirl. I converted to Catholicism and I love everything about it. As each year passes, my love for my Catholic faith grows deeper and deeper. That said, my second most serious fandom has to be the British sci-fi series, Doctor Who.

For those of you who don't know that series, allow me to give you a brief description. Doctor Who involves a character called The Doctor who travels through time and space having adventures, saving planets and peoples (and occasionally the whole universe), righting wrongs, and inspiring hope everywhere he goes. He looks like a human (or as he says, we humans look like Time Lords) but he is really an alien from another planet. He travels in a spaceship called the TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space) which looks like a blue 1960s style London police call box on the outside, but which is MUCH bigger on the inside. He goes on his adventures with various humans (and the odd alien) who are referred to in the series as his "companions." The people who encounter The Doctor -- both his companions and others -- are forever changed by the experience.

Matt Smith (as the 11th Doctor) exiting the TARDIS somewhere in central London.

One of the reasons I love both the Catholic faith and Doctor Who is that they make me think and ponder deeper subjects. Naturally, through the past few years, my thinking in one area has kinda bled over into the other area and recently as I was brainstorming ideas for this blog, it occurred to me that there are a lot of connections between the realities of Catholicism and the fiction of Doctor Who. The following is just some of the things that kind of popped into my head. Some of them may be a little loosey goosey, so bear with me.

Ordinary Things

Doctor Who is brilliant at taking ordinary things and turning them into the stuff of nightmares -- shadows, statues, broken clocks, cracks in the wall, astronauts, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. The good thing is that The Doctor knows about the evil in these seemingly ordinary things and he helps his companions and others avoid a variety of terrible fates because he sees these things for what they are and knows how to fight them.

Satan is rather talented at taking ordinary things and using them to distract us from God, lure us into sin, and in some cases, destroy us completely. One of the things I love best about Catholicism is that it takes sin very seriously and as such, is very, very clear about the kinds of things that constitute sin and lays that out for us as Catholics. When we find ourselves tempted by these ordinary things that Satan has twisted for his own nefarious purposes or we have fallen for his lies and into sin, the Church, like The Doctor, is there to help us identify where we've gone wrong, avoid sin when we're tempted, and fight back when we fall victim to the lies of the Evil One. The biggest weapons in the Church's arsenal are the graces found in the seven sacraments -- particularly, the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) and the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist (communion).

Companions = Saints?

As I said before, The Doctor almost always goes on his adventures with one or more companions along for fun and company. His companions are an exceptional bunch of folks and each one is very different and has a very different relationship with The Doctor. The common thread that they all share is that each of them is not only along for the ride, but each one helps The Doctor find his way to doing the right thing. They act as a sort of conscience for him at times, they help him fight his battles, and they encourage him when he's down. In Catholicism, we have thousands upon thousands of saints. The saints are very similar to The Doctor's companions in that they are a rather varied group of very special individuals and because of this, we relate to different saints in different ways. One of the great things about the saints is that they are not just our companions, but our brothers and sisters in the faith who are in a unique position (thanks to their being totally perfected and in the presence of God) to help us fight our battles by praying for us, to act as a sort of conscience for us by the witness of their lives, and to encourage us by the writings and accounts of their lives that we have here on earth.

Save ALL the People!

The Doctor is, at his hearts (he has two of them), a do-gooder. He wants to help those in need and when someone needs saving, he's your man. He's such a do-gooder that he wants to save all the people, even sometimes those who have long been his enemies. But he can't. He tries his best, but even on the days when he saves most everyone, there are always those who fall through the cracks because they were too proud to accept his help or too arrogant to listen when he tried to warn them of some impending danger. When he fails to save people, it really hurts him. Even if he carries on, makes a joke, or presents a stiff upper lip about it, you see it in his eyes, in a flicker of a frown that crosses his face, or in the slump of his shoulders. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 2:4 that God wills that all men should be saved and that is because the nature of God is love and His love is so great for all of His creation that He wants each and every one of us to be with Him -- even those who regard God as an enemy. He wants this for all of us and that is why He sacrificed His only son Jesus that ALL of mankind might be redeemed. Of course, as we also know, He gave us free will. We are redeemed by Christ's sacrifice, but we must do the work of accepting that gift. The problem is that some of us are too proud to accept it or too arrogant to listen when they are presented with the Truth of the Gospel or warned away from serious sin. The result is that although we as Catholics may hope that all men will be saved, the reality is that the likelihood of hell being empty is pretty slim to none. In the end, those who are saved by The Doctor are saved because they put their trust in his ability to save them and likewise, we find salvation by putting our trust in the sacrifice of Christ on the cross to save us from sin and death.

Words, Not Weapons  

In the Doctor Who universe, there are quite a few weapons at The Doctor's disposal, but he doesn't own a single one of them. So how does he save the day? By using his trusty sonic screwdriver (futuristic Swiss army knife + universal remote control + every sci-fi hand-held scanner device in existence) and his imagination, quick wit, previous experiences, and vast intelligence. He can stun an enemy into silence with a single word or turn back an entire army with a very well-crafted speech. When he speaks, it behooves you to listen. Just so, the Catholic Church has been fighting against those who would try to tear her apart by using scripture, logic, reason, and intelligent arguments based on 2000 years of prayer, experience, and tradition. She follows the example of Jesus who used words and not weapons to change hearts and lives and fight against those who sought to hurt others or entrap him and so derail his mission. True, the Church has had some less than stellar moments and yes, there have been some people who have used violence in the name of Christ and His Church (and this is most decidedly wrong), but this has a parallel in Doctor Who too. The Doctor doesn't use weapons, but sometimes -- most especially when he travels alone for too long -- he forgets his way and allows things to happen that he could prevent or even lashes out angrily when there is no just reason for it.


The Pope is a Time Lord?

For me, one of the most obvious connections is between the Pope and the Doctor. The Doctor is a member of a race of people called the Time Lords. As I said before, he appears to be a human on the outside, but he does have some unique things about his physiology that are most decidedly alien. One is that he has two hearts instead of one, but the most interesting difference is his ability to regenerate. When The Doctor is near death, instead of dying, his body goes through a process called regeneration where his whole body is transformed into a completely new and different looking body from head to foot. He looks, sounds, and feels like a totally new person. He has different tastes in clothes, food, and the things that appeal to him and yet, he retains all of his memories from his previous incarnations and if you, as the audience, look carefully, you can even see glimpses of his previous incarnations peeking through the eyes of the current one. He is a totally new person, but he is the same person too. The Pope has a similar sort of thing going on. Obviously, he doesn't almost die and then regenerate, but he does change -- either when the current pope dies or when he retires, like Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI did in 2013. Each new pope brings with him a new face, voice, personality, and way of doing things to the office of the papacy, but he retains and defends the 2000 years' worth of dogma, doctrine, and Traditions of the Church. Like The Doctor, even though he has a new face, you can often see glimpses of his predecessors in the things he says and does or even his pastoral style. He is most definitely a different person, but because his apostolic authority and the unbroken line of apostolic succession (the office of the pope is often referred to as the See of Peter -- the first pope), he is in some ways most definitely the same person as the men who came before him.


There are many other things I could say about how these two fandoms of mine are connected, but I think for now, that's quite enough to be getting on with. If you would like to read a little more, here's another blog post about the TARDIS and the Catholic Church by Catholic blogger Billy Kangas.

How things have been

I know I've been doing a lot of updating lately about my personal life, but it's primarily because I've not had a lot of energy for creative or serious thought and I'm trying to be faithful to my second word for 2015 -- write.  Since my last post on Thursday, I have been fighting the same stomach bug as my hubby Gray. Even today, Monday, I'm still struggling with the last vestiges of it. It's one of these things that assaults you hard for about 24-36 hours and then once your stomach settles, you just feel totally wiped out for another 2-3 days. I'm currently in that second phase and given that I can't really stop and have a good 2-3 days of sleeping/resting, I have a feeling my 2-3 days may last most of this week.

Five Minute Friday: Welcome

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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2007

It is morning and I look one more time at the little white stick on the bathroom sink and read the word in the display window. Pregnant.

Welcome to our family, tiny little bean.

I am woken by violent pains in my abdomen at 4:00am. I turn over and grab my phone off the bedside table to time the pains. After about 45 minutes of consistent contractions, I wake your father and tell him.

Is it time to welcome you into the world, sweet baby girl?

After several hours hard work, you come screaming into the world, head full of dark brown hair, so different from your big sister's peach fuzz, chubby and almost full term. I am immediately in love with every single inch of you.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, darling AB! You are here at last!

I hold you in my arms, kiss your head and face, count your fingers and toes, and trace the sign of the cross on your forehead in blessing. I put you gently to my breast to take your first meal and rejoice that you seem to know exactly what to do. My heart is so full and even though you are but a few minutes old, I cannot recall what our life was like without you. In this moment, I give thanks for this gift of welcoming you into our family and into the world. In this moment, with you snuggled in my arms, I feel a taste of the welcome of heaven and oh, how sweet it is!

What joy to be welcomed into the Father's presence like a little babe first held by her mother!

Welcome.

Join the Five Minute Friday party and link up your post at Kate Motaung's blog!

Theology Thursday: An Introduction

Had you asked me some twenty or so years ago if I was interested in converting to Catholicism, I would have likely chuckled at the idea and said no. It wasn't that I thought Catholics were laughable or that the idea of converting to Catholicism was laughable, but I felt so close to God as a Southern Baptist Christian that the idea of leaving that faith practice for anything else would have been amusing -- no matter what you put in that blank -- Catholic, Methodist, Lutheran, Pentecostal, etc. The Catholic faith seemed an odd thing to me with all its rituals and rites and various trappings and the Southern Baptist faith was so simple and straightforward. It was comfortable and familiar. Eventually though, comfortable and familiar ceased being enough. I grew hungry for spiritual nourishment that I wasn't getting in my home church. That led me to begin a journey that took a good ten years which eventually ended with my confirmation in the Catholic Church. At some point, I am going to write out my story about how I did wind up Catholic, but that's a story for another day.

A Further Update: Finally Home!

I've wanted in the last few days to write something terribly profound in my blog, but the last few days have prevented me from writing anything at all because I've only had my phone to use. I can blog from my phone (and my last post Update was written and posted from my phone, but it's much harder since I'm limited to my smartphone's keyboards which are not very conducive for speed of typing. As it is, I think faster than I can type, but it's nice to be able to at least keep up with my thoughts a bit better using the conventional keyboard on my laptop.

One Word for 2015

Every year, for as long as I can remember, I have made New Year's resolutions. Sometimes I've been super formal about it and done the whole "this year I resolve to....." kind of thing. Sometimes I've been more casual about it, like "I'm going to try to.....this year." Some years, I've sworn that I'm not going to resolve anything at all because it never works and then wind up resolving something anyway and only half attempting it for a few days.

This year, I'm trying something totally different. This year I'm going to join up with oneword365.com to choose a word to focus on in order to better myself this year. The idea behind this is that rather than making some specific resolution that requires a lot of effort, planning, or motivation to stick with, you choose some kind of idea that you want to incorporate into your life via this word. You can choose any word you like, but most people choose a verb or an adjective that means something to them.

Because I'm an overachiever (or more likely because I'm crazy), I've chosen not one, but two words for 2015. My two words are....

A Letter to Grief

Today's post is a special link-up with Kate Motaung's "Letters to Grief." Go check out Kate's blog and the many other letters to grief written by my fellow bloggers. If you're so inclined, write your own letter and link it up by using the link up at the bottom of the main entry (click on "many other letters to grief" above).

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Dear Grief,

We have been travelling through life together for nearly two years, but it wasn't until recently that I realized it was you. True, depression has been my companion for this same duration, but I had no idea you had come along for the ride. I think you buried yourself in depression's skirts, keeping hidden until Pendragon saw through your disguise. I would never have seen you there without his help.

He says that you are the reason I wear almost nothing but black and this makes sense to me. Colours feel all wrong and black sometimes brings only cold comfort, but it is a more appropriate shroud to console my broken heart.

I have lost so much in the last two years. Is it any wonder as you have been with me, prodding tears and pulling me down and down and down again? You have pricked my pain and rubbed salt in my wounds and I never even knew you were there. Your whisperings have induced oceans of tears and an ache so deep and so painful that I have wondered if I would ever be at peace again.

You have threaded your way through my very veins, enmeshing with my spirit and severing the ties of head and heart that have allowed me to feel the presence of God. That precious gift of being able to feel Him walking with me, holding me fast, comforting me, giving me peace and solace amidst the storm of depression is gone like so much candle smoke in a summer breeze.

No matter how many prayers I pray, tears I cry, or how many times I beg of Him to restore this to me, the miracle never happens. I have wondered many times why this is so and I believe it is because of you. I believe it is because I am unable to fully let you go.

Oh grief, how I want to let you go!

But I do not know how.

You have brought me so deep into your embrace that I am made weak and woozy at times, drowning in the despair which you pour over my head and despite my desire to break free from your clutches, I find myself falling further into you with each month that passes.

I am heartbroken and spent and hopeless because of you. I had thought you a nameless sadness that was keeping me captive, but thanks to this insight, you now have a name other than that clinical moniker, "depression."

I name you -- grief -- and pray that in giving name to you, I give myself enough strength to escape you one day.

Another little update

Christmas is fast approaching and I have SO much to do -- hence the not posting in like a week. Also, I've been feeling a lack of inspiration of late too and struggling with my depression some too. Sometimes when it rains, it pours...

All that said, I've got a post that's almost ready and will be posted on Saturday. I'm participating in an Advent Blog Hop and this is my contribution! I hope you'll enjoy it. I'm going to try to write a bit over the next couple of weeks, but I'll be with family some, so I might not have as much time for it.

Peace to all of you and yours!

Just a quick update

I haven't posted anything in the last couple of days because I've been kinda horribly sick. It's just an upper respiratory infection, but it's a particularly nasty one that if left untreated, could become walking pneumonia. It made me feel a bit like this:




I've had no speaking voice for two days (other than a really sad sounding high pitched barky rasp) and started losing my voice about four days ago. All of this prompted me to go see a doctor yesterday where I got diagnosed, got some meds on board, and a prescription for more to take at home. Thankfully, that seems the injected meds I got yesterday and the one dose I took orally last night seem to be helping as I opened my mouth this morning and it still sounded raspy, but not nearly as bad. I still feel pretty weak and run down by this thing too, so I am trying to rest as much as possible, drink lots of fluids, and take my meds as prescribed.

It may be another couple of days before the fuzzy headed feeling that accompanies this kind of thing clears enough that I can write something meaningful, but I'll be back when I'm feeling better. Hope all of you have a wonderful Friday and a blessed weekend!

Five Minute Friday: Give

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I hear the whisper in my consciousness that reminds me that it is yet again Friday and time for another five minutes of writing without regret. I wonder yet again if I am ready and go to look for the prompt.

Give.

What can I do with that? I stare at the word for the longest time and think a million thoughts, none of which are remotely related to "give" or if they are, they are more along the lines of some of my previous Five Minute Friday entries which have fed off the darkness in my mind. I hold back and wonder if I can really do it this week. Am I hesitant because I do not wish to share any more of my journey or is it for another reason? Is it because I wish to write something new instead of the same old thing? Why do I care so much? This is supposed to be writing that is done for me primarily and only shared because I enjoy the community that goes along with it. How long will I sit here and dither over this before I finally screw up my nerve, start the clock and begin typing? Not much longer, it appears as inspiration suddenly strikes and my fingers fly across the keyboard in a rhythmic tapping, leaving letters and words and phrases in their wake.

As I read back over it before hitting publish, I wonder if I dare to share this with the rest of the community. I muse over it and think that perhaps it would be best to stop and leave these words to another day or perhaps another season. I am tired and perhaps I ought to turn in for a few hours sleep before contemplating this again. My fingers still their pace over the keyboard as I insert the last few characters and glance back up over my work. I am quiet for a moment or two, pondering and weighing whether to delete it all and begin anew or stay with what I have written, link up and see what happens. In a moment, the decision is made and I am finished. I decide to offer this up as a little gift of thanksgiving in light of the Thanksgiving Day that has just passed.

It is my gift to you who so kindly come and read my natterings on this blog. Did you notice what I have given you?

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Update on series #ForAlltheSaints

Can I make a confession, friends?

I'm struggling. Life is super busy at this time of year and if I'm being honest, I still have a long way to go in this journey through this period of depression too. The last several days have been emotionally really difficult for me and I think my writing may need to be something that I do as I am inspired for a while rather than just being so structured.

A Reflection on Tea

I'll admit it. I start my day, every day, almost without exception, with a nice big mug of coffee. It is my eye opener and brain defogger and to be quite honest, I'm probably at least mildly addicted to the stuff. Despite this though, I am drawn to tea.

Stay Tuned!

I know I've not posted in a few days, but it's been a rather tiring weekend. Actually, come to that, I'm still really tired and am about to go have a gigantic herbal tea, watch a bit of Doctor Who and try to convince my brain to have an earlier night of it. I've started another entry in my series #ForAlltheSaints, but just don't have the mental capacity to finish it tonight. I'll finish it up and post it at some point tomorrow.

Instead, here's a clip of some scenes from one of my favourite Doctor Who episodes, "The Doctor's Wife" written by Neil Gaiman and starring Matt Smith as The Doctor. It explores the unique relationship between The Doctor and his time machine/spaceship called the TARDIS. The Doctor has been travelling through time and space with his TARDIS for 900+ years at this point and the relationship is a bit like a lifelong love affair. Enjoy!

Five Minute Friday: Turn

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I watch as she dances, twirling, turning, swooping. She is all long blonde hair, long legs, and a snaggle toothed grin, her big sensitive heart evident in every movement and every word.

I watch as she turns over and over across the floor in cartwheels and forward rolls. She is compact and strong, a bundle of kinetic energy springing forth from her almost seven year old frame.

I watch as she toddles toward the door, giggles, and turns back to toddle to me again. She is growing every day, but still soft with baby rolls, baby soft hair, and laughter.

I watch as the days turn into years and my three girls grow and I long at times to turn back the clock. They are perpetual motion machines at times and then just as sudden, they turn into me for hugs, snuggles, and kisses. As much as my heart longs for days gone past, I am glad to watch them change to become the beautiful women that God is making them into with each turn.

Join the fun at Kate Motaung's blog! 

Introducing A New Series

As I got toward the end of the Write 31 Days Challenge that ended yesterday, I started thinking about what I want to do going forward with this blog. Several ideas came to mind and of those, I think I will definitely be pursuing a couple of them in the future, but in the more immediate present, I want to continue the momentum of daily blogging (I did make a commitment to blog daily back in September -- see more about that here) and do another series.

One of the things in the title of my blog is a reference to my faith. I have been a Christian for almost my entire life, but am an adult convert to Catholicism. I came to the Catholic faith after much prayer and discernment and it is a central part of my identity and informs everything in the way I live my life from the way I raise my children to my politics to my relationship with my husband to the way I view the world and society around me. I am always happy to share what I believe (and why I believe it) with others and as such, am always reading and studying my faith. 1 Peter 3:15 says, in part, the following: "...Always be prepared to make a defense to any one who calls you to account for the hope that is in you..." which is a good thing to consider for any Christian -- Catholic or not.

Keeping this in mind, my new series for the month of November is going to be one on.......

......the Saints. What I want to do is provide an overview of what Catholics believe regarding the saints, some biographies of common saints, and a little bit about the process of becoming a saint. I may also write some on other things that are tangentially related to the subject or post some links to articles or other blogs I have found interesting and informative on the subject.

Given that today, November 1st, is the Feast of All Saints, the title of this new series is going to be called "For All the Saints" which is the first line of one of my favourite hymns about the saints:

"For all the saints, who from their labours rest
Who thee, by faith, before the world confessed
Thy Name, O Jesus be forever blessed
Alleluia! Alleluia!"

I know that not all the folks who have been reading my blog of late are Catholic, so this may not immediately be of any interest to you, but I sincerely hope you'll read along anyway. You may have always wondered why Catholics talk about saints or what the big deal about them is or whether or not we really worship them or not (Spoiler: The answer is a very emphatic "no"). I'll try to make it a fun series with interesting trivia, maybe a song or two, and some good information too.

Do you have a question about the saints or Catholic beliefs regarding them?
Do you have a favourite saint or one you'd like to know more about?

Let me know in the comments below and I'll try to answer your questions and maybe do a feature on a saint of your choice! Also, just so you know, this series will probably not run every day, but about 4-5 days a week. In between, I'll be posting other stuff. Just look for one of the hashtags in the title -- #ForAlltheSaints or #TFASCMSaints!