Monday Joys - July 4th, 2016

My friend Tara over at Praying on the Prairie does this weekly post called Sunday Blessings where she recaps her week by counting her blessings. They can be really big things like an answered prayer or small things like a text from a friend. I've long enjoyed reading her posts and have thought about doing something similar but have yet to hit upon a way that I want to do it. Well, today being July 4th and having had a pretty good day, I got sort of reflective in my Facebook status update. As I was rereading what I'd written, it occurred to me that all of the things I had listed were little blessings. That's when it hit me that the way I want to do this is try and list my little joys each week. As I was considering this post, it occurred to me that a good reason to try to start getting into the habit of doing this each week and doing it on Mondays rather than Sundays is twofold:

• Depression and PTSD often make it hard for me to see anything as joyful, even when it is. Doing this each week may help me be more mindful as I go about my week of the times when joy shines into the cracks of my day to day life. 
• Mondays are a day that I dread for a number of reasons. I have hated them since I was a child. Mondays mean that you either have to go to school or work or if you're like me and you're a stay at home mom, it means you're alone with the kids and no adult conversation or interaction. It's often a big downer after the weekend and especially so if you've had a really awesome weekend or are coming off a fun vacation. I guess the thought is if I sort of refocus my Mondays a bit by listing the previous week's joys and blessings, that it won't be quite as onerous.

I can't promise that my list will be nearly as long as Tara's is each week, but I can promise that there will be little joys. So, without further ado, here's the first installment of Monday Joys!

1. A vox from my friend Tara - so good to hear her voice. I've been missing her!

2. A long chat with my first cousin J. We talked for a good two and a half hours! It was like old times and I can't wait to do it again.

3. My weekly spiritual direction meeting with my priest, Fr. B. This week was very hard, but Father was so patient, gentle, and compassionate with me. He also reminded me of some very important things -- one of which is that he's always praying for me, Gray, and our family.

4. Fr. B gave me a second class relic of St. Brother André Bessette! He said for me to "hold onto it", so I'm not sure if he means me to keep it for good, but even if not, I am honoured to keep it for a time. St. Brother André was known for having a gift of healing in this life and his intercession as a saint has been attributed to numerous miraculous healings and cures.

5. A 30 minute long aromatherapy deep tissue massage on Thursday following my appointment with Dr. D for EMDR. My body had been so tense from all the stresses of the week (very rough week emotionally and spiritually) that I needed to have all those knots worked out. I hadn't planned on doing it, but I think my guardian angel must have nudged me in that direction because I suddenly had the idea and knew that I just had to do it. It was AMAZING. After the massage, I had a complimentary steam shower which was such a refreshing thing in and of itself. I actually had a cool shower but enjoyed steam coming from the vents and the combination of that with the massage left me feeling so totally relaxed and calm. It was nice to feel all clean on my drive home too!

6. Panera Bread's blood orange lemonade is, quite simply, THE BOMB. I could drink it several glasses of it every single day. With the mercury in the mid to upper 90s and the humidity so heavy that you feel like you're walking through a steaming oven, it's the perfect way to help you cool off, quench your thirst, and re-energize. Yes, it's a little pricey (about $2.19-2.59, depending on size) but if you're like me and you want more than one glass, it's worth it because the refills are FREE. I highly recommend a big glass of it paired with the Green Goddess Cobb Salad with Chicken for a light and refreshing lunch or dinner when it's too hot to cook or you just want something filling, but not too heavy. I recommend the lemonade all by itself as well!

7. Hamburgers made and grilled by my hubby Gray for our 4th of July repast. I enjoyed mine with sliced tomatoes, sharp cheddar cheese, dill pickle chips, mayo and ketchup. YUM!

8. This afternoon M2 decided to put on one of the digital music channels that comes w/our satellite package. She chose "classic rock" and soon the house was filled with The Eagles, Lynard Skynard, The Beatles, Three Dog Night, and Queen, among others. She and her sisters jammed out and I grabbed our littlest girl, GB, and tried to teach her some dance moves. That evolved into her sisters wanting to dance with me too and pretty soon we were all swaying, twirling, and grooving to the beat. The best was when "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night came on. SO much fun!

9. As it's the 4th of July, some fireworks were in order. AB had spotted some leftover fireworks from last year in our garage about a week ago and was chomping at the bit to light them off tonight. I stepped out to one of the local fireworks sellers and bought a few sparklers, some cherry snappers (those paper snaps you throw at the pavement), bottle rockets, and a package of really pretty fireworks that came with their own mortar to use for launching them. The girls had fun with the sparklers and the cherry snappers and we all enjoyed the bottle rockets and other fireworks. We also enjoyed the fireworks being set off by our neighbours down the street, around the corner, and about two streets over as they lit up the sky.

10. Dessert tonight was yummy -- store bought apple pie and vanilla bean ice cream. Simple, classically American, and just perfect!

11. Bedtime prayers tonight with my girls were a quiet kind of comfort.

12. Sitting in the grass with GB in my lap and her big sisters snuggled close while we watched the fireworks made my heart swell with love.

13. All the excitement of getting ready to see all my girlfriends this coming weekend at our every other year "retreat." I know these gals from an online community and consider many of them dear friends. It will be so wonderful to see all their faces again and hug their necks and chat and giggle until our voices are hoarse.

14. The blessing of my big brother Chez and my friend Rikert who are always so good to pray for me when I need it. I am so thankful for them both and their support.

15. The fun of the Thursday night Five Minute Friday Twitter party. I wasn't as active this week, but I always enjoy hanging with that community and chatting about our week.

16. For M2 who leaned over after communion on Sunday as I knelt crying (as I frequently do) and said, "Momma, I just had the thought that I should pray for you, so I prayed and asked God to give you some good sleep and no bad dreams. I realised that I hadn't really prayed for you like that before and that I should, so I did. I'm sorry I didn't before now." That caused even more tears as I leaned over, kissed the top of her head, and embraced her in a hug. I told her how much I appreciated that. Her sweet tender heart just bowls me over sometimes and this was definitely one of those moments.

I guess that's all for this week. With any luck, next Monday, I'll be back to do it all over again. Until then...

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...(A Holiday Recap)

It's a new year and believe it or not, it's already the 13th of the month! Half of January is gone and I've been slacking. Well, not exactly slacking, just not really writing. Part of that is because of something that happened last week just after we returned home from visiting Gray's family for Christmas and New Year's. I'm working on a blog post about it, but it may be a few more days before it's ready. As I've been on my computer this evening, I actually ran across something on Pinterest that might evolve into a blog series. I'm going to noodle over it for a bit, read some more at the blog where I got the idea, and with any luck, something interesting will come out of it. I actually felt a little bit of excitement when I first saw it -- which is kinda rare for me these days. Who knows?

In other news, we had a pretty good Christmas as these things go. Made the two day drive to my in-laws house, stayed about 2 weeks (from just before Christmas until just after New Year's), and made the two day drive home -- and NO ONE got sick.

Y'all. That is so HUGE.

We have been married for 10 years now and in that amount of time, we have never been able to go to my in-laws house and have everyone well when we leave, well on the road, well while we're there, and well all the way home. The usual culprit is Miss AB (our middle girl). She gets kinda pukey sick and it has the potential to be very very bad. Put it this way, we've visited the local hospital near my in-laws house TWICE because she was vomiting and we couldn't get her to keep anything down. We've also had sickness spread through the family too. Last year (Christmas 2014) while we were there, Gray got sick twice and the second time around was bad enough that we had to stay an extra day so he'd be well enough to travel! This year, I made sure we all got flu shots well in advance of the trip and on the advice of my mother-in-law, picked up some Dramamine for AB on the off-chance that her sickness might be motion-induced. It worked!

The visit itself was pretty good. We enjoyed time with Gray's brother and his wife, Gray's sister, and the girls all had fun with their cousin E-beth. We also did a studio portrait session with the whole family and got some great prints of our immediate family, one of our three girls, and a couple of others. After the portrait session, I enjoyed some girl time with my two sisters-in-law.

Also discovered that I like spicy bourbon. My brother-in-law suggested that I try Evan Williams Fire as it's very smooth. It is delicious! I bought a fifth of it and enjoyed the entire bottle over the course of the two weeks, a finger or two at a time. The only bad thing is that I am pretty sure that it's not available in my state (we have strict limits on what can be sold w/regard to alcohol) and it's illegal according to state law to bring any alcohol across state lines. Oh well! Something to look forward to when I go back! Got to go to my favourite local fabric store with my mom-in-law and snagged some Doctor Who, Star Wars, and Star Trek fabric and something that made me think of Firefly as well. Geek fabric for the win! 

New Year's Eve was a quiet evening back at my in-laws' house. We basically watched the BBC America Doctor Who marathon all day long. The only break was when we five left to go to the local parish to attend the Vigil Mass for the Solemnity of Mary the Mother of God. It's a holy day of obligation (meaning you have to go to Mass) and you can either go on the day itself (January 1st) or the evening before at the Vigil Mass. Since we knew we were going to stay up late to ring in the new year, we elected to go the evening before. I'm kinda glad we did. It was very calm and quiet in the church and to be honest, my nerves were a little bit frazzled. The church was still decorated with all the beautiful candles, Christmas trees, and the Nativity scene and there was a sort of hush as we entered and settled ourselves into a pew. I can't say that I felt a deep sense of God's presence (although I know He was there), but there was a peacefulness about being there that I've missed. After Mass, we returned to Gray's folks' house and the Doctor Who marathon continued. Dinner was yummy pot roast with mashed potatoes, carrots, and broccoli which was very comforting on such a chilly night. The rest of the evening was spent drinking hard cider (and bourbon after midnight) and snacking on chips and dip and other yummies while watching Doctor Who. I spent part of it working on my final blog post for the year. When midnight rolled around, we had only our middle daughter AB who was still awake. After kisses and hugs to welcome the new year, everyone but Balinda and I went to bed. We enjoyed some more snacks and chatted while watching TV.

M2, AB, and I had a mommy-daughters date just before we left to come home. We hit the local mall, grabbed pretzels at Auntie Anne's, browsed and bought sale items at Bath & Body Works' semi-annual sale (LOTS of yummy scented hand soaps for cheap!), and enjoyed looking at all the fun stuff at Five Below. The girls had an impromptu lightsaber battle in the store while I looked at grown-up colouring books and funky magnets. In addition to all our smelly soaps, we came home with 2 colouring books for me, 1 each for the girls, and an Inside Out magnet for our ever growing magnet collection. That night as I began the task of packing to come home, Gray and his mom and I watched the special Sherlock episode "The Abominable Bride." SO good!

We got home a couple of days after New Year's and I think we were all glad to be back in our own beds and surrounded by the familiar things of home. Vacation is nice, but it's always good to get back to the regular routine of life too.

Hope you and your family had a good Christmas and New Year's! God bless you in 2016 and always!

Lull

This is part of my prompts series from the blog The Habit of Being. Each of the posts in this series will feature the prompt for that post as the post title. While I may sometimes use the current day's prompt, it is more likely that I will pick and choose as inspiration dictates. If you are interested in following along with the prompts or writing some of your own, here's the link to the page with the prompts: http://thehabitofbeing.com/writealm/

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The huge oak tree in fairer weather.

The huge oak tree sways,
Its stately limbs stretching skyward
Side to side, they fan in the heavy breeze.
The air, thick with water
Hot and heavy, despite gusts of wind.
Clouds above hang pendulous
And ever darkening from gray to patchy ash to soot
Plump with the promise of rain soon to come
And the pleasant smell of petrichor when the rain has ceased.
My hair whips around my face
Strands catch my nose, lips, slightly open mouth
As I assess the sky for signs
Of more than the rumbles of thunder and streaky lightning.
Girls rush inside to escape rain.
My feet follow theirs
Fingers flicking the TV on for more learned advice.
The littlest bear crawls into my lap
Seeking snuggles and my voice to read stories.
My lips find her soft hair and
We rock together through "Guess How Much I Love You"
Her sisters retreated to their room
And in the quiet, the sound of falling rain.
I gaze down, see steady breaths
The little bear has fallen asleep
Lulled deep by raindrops, rocking, and reading,
Her sweet curls moving gently in the ceiling fan's cool breeze.
In the lull between wind and water.
In the lull, my eyes close to rest a moment
And fully feel the weight of sleep against my torso
Keeping this rare moment of quiet close to my heart
Before the lull between chaos and chaos ends.

My littlest bear, GB, sound asleep on the sofa.

Celebrations

I've been a bit busy since Friday the stuff of life and with some celebrating too. My birthday has come once again and I've been treated to fun dinners, shopping with my mom, and all manner of nice things. Saturday night was our family's night to celebrate and then Monday was my day with my mom and our three girls (M2 and AB had the day off school), and tonight was dinner out with my best girlfriend, Sif. I have been blessed by lots of well-wishes on Facebook and text messages and the like from friends. It has been a lovely, lovely birthday. Thanks to all who wished me well. Here's to another year and to quote Colonel Potter in MASH, "May she be a damn sight better than the old one."

Tomorrow, I'll get this week's Daybook Online Journal posted and start work on something for Theology Thursday.

Peace to you and yours!

Daybook Online Journal -- Week of March 3, 2015

Welcome to my weekly Tuesday post where I remember the ups and downs and big and little things of daily life for me and my family. I call it my Daybook Online Journal and it's an idea I found via fellow blogger Jenny at her blog, The Littlest Way. Thanks for the inspiration, Jenny! The prompts are a combination of several I've found as I've been researching this particular way of chronicling daily life. Come on in and reflect with me!

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Outside my window.... it's a rather rainy day today, gray and overcast, but the temperature has been in the low 70s which isn't totally unusual for this time of year. It is a little odd since we had the threat of snow last week and are supposed to have freezing rain and ice this Thursday. I really wish the weather would pick a season and stick with it for a while instead of all this crazy up and down, back and forth between winter and spring. I suppose I ought not be surprised given that this is also not unusual for this time of year. Welcome to the South!

Highlights from the week....

• Well, my girls would say that the potential "snow" day was a highlight because they got a day off school out of the deal last Wednesday as well as two days (Tuesday and Thursday) that were 2-hr delay days. We didn't get a single snowflake where I live but my parents who live about 20 miles north of us got snow. 
• For me and Gray, the highlight of the week was this past Saturday morning when our eldest, M2, received the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) for the first time! She was so excited and joyful before and afterward. She got to have her confession with our pastor, Fr. K, who she just loves to pieces. What an amazing blessing to watch her take her next steps along her faith journey and draw closer to God in this beautiful sacrament!
• With it being winter, there are a number of illnesses being passed around and I have fallen victim to one of the lovely upper respiratory bacterial bugs. I started feeling totally miserable on Sunday morning and finally went to get checked at our local urgent care clinic yesterday. Good thing I did. They diganosed me with mycoplasma bacteria which can become walking pneumonia if left untreated. I got two shots -- steroids and antibiotics -- and a prescription for an oral antibiotic and cough syrup with hydrocodone so I could rest. It's helped some and I feel less yucky today, but I'm definitely still struggling.
• Speaking of struggling, I'm not sure this is a highlight per se, but it is what it is. I have been through a rather intense and dark period of depression in the last week and a half and thanks to some prayers for deliverance prayed over me by Fr. B this past Thursday, I felt things finally start to lighten. 
• I posted my first entry in a good week and a half on Friday for the Five Minute Friday blog challenge. It had been a rough couple of weeks prior to that and it felt good to finally get something posted.
• The Downton Abbey season 5 finale -- SO many feels for my little fangirl heart! SO good and I can't wait for season 6 next January! Just wish I didn't have to wait so long between seasons.

This week I am thankful for....

• The flexibility of Gray's job that allows him to work from home when he needs to for the sake of my health. He's done that so much in the last two years and I am so grateful that his bosses are so understanding.
• Gray's patience with me, especially when I am in the throes of the darkest depression and am not truly myself. I know it is so trying on him and stressful for him even when I am less depressed, but that stress is doubled or even trebled when things are at their worst. I am so thankful for his love, kindness, and compassion in those hardest of times too.
• My dear friend Rikert who, out of concern for me in my darkest hour, tracked me down and stayed with me, talking until he persuaded me to go home to Gray who was worried sick and unable to come looking for me as he was home with our children. Rikert and his wife both have been so supportive of me during these past two years, but just over a week ago, he kept me from making a horrible mistake. Dear God, thank you for good friends who are loving and gentle, but firm and stubborn too.
• Fr. B, our dear family friend (who is also the priest who married us), who has been so faithful to pray for me and our family so often and who has been a particular blessing to me this week as we met so he could give me some spiritual direction, talk together, and pray. He prayed prayers of deliverance over me, gave me the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick, and a priestly blessing. I am firmly convinced that those three things really helped the intensity of my depression lessen and things get a lot lighter than they had been. 
• The blessing of modern medicine. It is truly amazing what good pharmaceutical drugs can do toward relieving the symptoms of physical illness. 
• The graces received by my eldest in her First Reconciliation this past Saturday. What a wonderful thing to be reconciled to God for the first time! Thanks be to God for His love and mercy!
• Having an increase in my appetite and some sort of decent sleep for the first time in a good month. Seriously. Nightmare free sleep is seriously underrated until you don't have it on a regular basis.
• Voxxer messages shared with my friend Jae
• The simple joy of watching Downton Abbey 
• Black bean and avocado salad with corn tortilla chips
• Chocolate -- something that makes a lot of wrongs right again.

Praying for...

• My friend N, who is saying goodbye to her daughter A, who is headed off to basic training
• My friend Jae, who so fervently prays for me even as she struggles with her own trials
• My friend Chez who is in the midst of his semi-annual Tin Cup Rattle on his blog where he tries to raise some much needed funds to take care of his family. 
• A blogger I have read at odd times in years past, but have discovered anew today -- Kendra at Catholic All Year. For her and her beautiful family and whatever prayer intentions they have.
• My friend T, who is always so supportive of me and loving. I appreciate her sweet comments, all our Voxxer chats, and most of all her prayers.
• For Fr. B, who I have mentioned twice already in thanksgiving for his many prayers for me and my family and his love for us. May God bless him always.
• For Fr. K, who heard M2's very first confession this past Saturday morning in thanksgiving for his ministry to our parish and the Church and for his love for the children of our parish.
• For M2 as she inches ever closer to meeting Jesus for the first time in the Holy Eucharist. Dear Lord, prepare her heart, her mind, and her body to meet you in this most holy and intimate way. Fill her with your love and grace as she approaches her First Holy Communion with You Jesus and always draw her ever closer to you in this Holiest of Sacraments.
• For AB and GB in thanksgiving for the wonderful blessings they both are to my life and the life of our family and that they too will be drawn closer to God with each day that passes.
• For my beloved Gray that he will find success in his work efforts -- in particular with those things that are frustrating him in his projects -- and somehow, amidst everything that he does for all of us, a deeper closeness with You, O Lord.
• For Pope Francis, our Bishop Robert Baker, all the bishops, priests, deacons, and consecrated religious that they will find renewed joy in their vocations and be refreshed in body, mind, and spirit as they serve the Body of Christ with their lives.

Reading...

• Mississippi Trial, 1955 by Chris Crowe -- actually just finished this one
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling -- a re-read
• The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien -- still working on this one
• Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte -- going to start this one soon

Listening to...

• EWTN Radio Network's Called to Communion with Dr. David Anders -- excellent call-in show for non-Catholics to ask questions about the Catholic faith
• Michael Card -- Come Lift Up Your Sorrows
• Mother Angelica and the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration praying the Rosary
• Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

I am learning... that my children are growing up faster than I'd like and time is not slowing down.

My favourite quote of the week:

"Give people high-fives just for getting out of bed. Being a person is hard sometimes."
            -- Kid President

A picture from my week:

M2 just prior to the communal penance service that preceded her First Reconciliation (Confession). So happy!

Praying together in front of the altar after her First Reconciliation as a family. One of my favourite pictures of the whole day. L-R: AB, me, M2, GB, and Gray

See you next week! 

Getting to Know You!

Lately I've been having a bit of writer's block. A lot of it has to do with my particular struggles with depression. I keep coming to this page where I have this gigantic white screen full of nothing and just can't find the words to write. So....to that end, I've decided I need some help. I have a Pinterest board that I keep with ideas for blogging and figured that might be a good place to look. As I was looking, it occurred me that a good way to spend this month might be by using a few prompts to tell you a little bit more about me. This is my birthday month, so it seemed rather appropriate. My first prompt from a list I chose off my Pinterest board is...

Some of you reading this may have read my "about me" page, so if you have, I apologize. There might be a few repeats. To that end, I'll try to keep this to some bullet points for ease of reading and hopefully so I don't duplicate as much :) Here's a few basics:

• I am a Roman Catholic Christian. This was not always the case. 
• I am happily married to my beloved Gray (a pseudonym, as all names on my blog are) for almost 10 years now.
• I have three beautiful daughters, ages 8, 7, and almost 2.5. They go by M2, AB, and GB.
• I grew up in the Southeastern USA and still live there to this day. I have a love/hate relationship with my place of birth and residence.
• I am a sci-fi/fantasy geek and fangirl. Doctor Who and Harry Potter are two of my biggest fandoms.
• I am a book nerd and have been since I began reading at around age 3. I almost always have at least three or more books going at once.
• If you've read my 31 Days series, you will know that I struggle with major depression. It has been a fact of life for me and something I have had to figure out how to manage for over 25 years. In the last two years, it has been a constant companion with almost no relief. That is the main thrust of my 31 Days series. Depression is also one of the reasons that my writing isn't as constant as I'd like it to be.
• Speaking of blog series, I am a mostly regular participant in the Five Minute Friday blog series hosted by Kate Motaung at her blog Heading Home.
• I am rather short and Rubenesque and I love my naturally curly brown hair. Currently, it's just past my shoulders which is about the length I like it best -- not too short or too long.
• I love chocolate and rarely go a day without having a little chocolate of some kind.
• Coffee is essential for life. Seriously. I am not a morning person by nature and coffee ensures that I am able to function in the morning even when I don't feel like it.
• Tea is also something I love and have since my first sip of it as a child at a tea party. I do not like iced tea -- sweet or unsweet -- unlike most every other Southerner I know. If I am at a gathering where I've been given iced tea as a drink without being asked what I'd like, I will actively look for water or ask if there is water or some other beverage available. 
• My mom swears that because of the above, I cannot be truly Southern. I also do not like coleslaw, pimento cheese spread, or vegetables that have been cooked within an inch of their life (the one exception being green beans which I will eat unless they are super mushy).
• I do not have a pronounced Southern accent. I cannot tell you the number of times someone has heard me speak and they've said, "Now where are you from?" and then looked astonished when I said, "I'm from here. Born and raised." Non-locals and friends from other parts of the country laugh when I say this because they hear a Southern accent, but then a lot of them have never been exposed to the heavy thick Southern accent that a LOT of folks have in these parts.
• I have a tendency to pick up and unconsciously imitate the accents of people I'm around for any length of time. I'm sure some people may think I'm doing it intentionally, but it's really a weird reflexive thing and I don't usually notice I'm doing it until someone points it out.
• I have a single tattoo on my upper left thigh. It is a rather recent acquisition as I've only had it for a little over a year. I absolutely love it. I never thought I'd ever get one, but there is a story behind why I did and what this tattoo means. Perhaps I'll write about that during this month. 

I'm sure there are some other things, but I think that's all for now. If you click any of the words highlighted in the text above, you can read some of my other entries on those subjects. Hope you enjoyed this little post about me. Feel free to leave questions in the comment box below! I love hearing from those who read my blog.

Five Minute Friday: Visit

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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Yeah, it's a Doctor Who travel reference. The Doctor loves to visit new places :)

I'll come clean. I am a very enthusiastic tourist. There are few things I love more than visiting a new place. There is something about seeing new things and new places that just thrills me. I love to explore all the streets, shops, cafes, and ins and outs of a place. I love to visit with the locals. I love to visit art museums and theatres and street markets. I love visiting historic sites and monuments and local places of interest. I love visiting new places in our hometown too. Just this morning, GB and I had to go run an errand and it took us near a new grocery store that opened about a week ago called Sprouts. I've never been to one of those before, so we decided to visit and check it out.

How things have been

I know I've been doing a lot of updating lately about my personal life, but it's primarily because I've not had a lot of energy for creative or serious thought and I'm trying to be faithful to my second word for 2015 -- write.  Since my last post on Thursday, I have been fighting the same stomach bug as my hubby Gray. Even today, Monday, I'm still struggling with the last vestiges of it. It's one of these things that assaults you hard for about 24-36 hours and then once your stomach settles, you just feel totally wiped out for another 2-3 days. I'm currently in that second phase and given that I can't really stop and have a good 2-3 days of sleeping/resting, I have a feeling my 2-3 days may last most of this week.

Five Minute Friday: Turn

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I watch as she dances, twirling, turning, swooping. She is all long blonde hair, long legs, and a snaggle toothed grin, her big sensitive heart evident in every movement and every word.

I watch as she turns over and over across the floor in cartwheels and forward rolls. She is compact and strong, a bundle of kinetic energy springing forth from her almost seven year old frame.

I watch as she toddles toward the door, giggles, and turns back to toddle to me again. She is growing every day, but still soft with baby rolls, baby soft hair, and laughter.

I watch as the days turn into years and my three girls grow and I long at times to turn back the clock. They are perpetual motion machines at times and then just as sudden, they turn into me for hugs, snuggles, and kisses. As much as my heart longs for days gone past, I am glad to watch them change to become the beautiful women that God is making them into with each turn.

Join the fun at Kate Motaung's blog! 

Day Thirty (part 2): Swingin' and Swayin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas

Note: This is a continuation of a 2 part entry. To read part one, please click here. To read the entire 31 Days series, just click on the tab above.

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Later that day, Balinda and I go fabric shopping at my favourite shop and a couple of others and by the time we are done, it is almost dark. We stop at a local grocery store and pick up provisions for making tacos for dinner, but for me, tacos will have to wait until much, much later. I have plans with Sarah and my other sister in law, Olivia (who is married to Gray's little brother Andrew) to make good on my desire from earlier this summer when I was at the beach. I am going to get a tattoo. I have been thinking about this ever since this summer and the idea just won't leave me alone. I've looked at designs and local shops back home, but haven't done it yet. I know what I want and even have a picture on my phone of it but that's as far as I've gotten until now. Tonight, we are all going to get inked. Both Sarah and Olivia already have tattoos but they are eager to get another one and to come with me for my first one.

Day Thirty (part 1): Swingin' and Swayin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas

It is a few days before Christmas and we are in a hotel room somewhere in Virginia. Everyone is asleep except me. I am sitting here, trying to relax a bit, but struggling with it. Today has been a long day, but a good one. We left home early this morning and have driven all day, stopping as necessary for bathroom breaks, food, and gas for the van and we are finally here for the night. Tomorrow we'll start early again and should arrive at my in-laws' house by 5 or 6pm at the latest. Tonight we celebrated M2's 7th birthday with pizza from the local chain restaurant, cupcakes (one of which had 7 tiny candles in it!), and presents for the birthday girl. She is delighted with the excitement of celebrating her birthday in a hotel room and enjoying pizza and cupcakes in her new pajamas. AB was pretty delighted with the prospect of all the celebrations even though it wasn't her birthday. There is something kind of fun about being on a road trip and I have enjoyed it thus far myself.

M2 with her birthday cupcakes

Day Twenty-seven: Fighting to Leave and Stay

Note: This is a continuation of my story of my journey through depression in my 31 Days series. This entry takes place in October of 2013 and because it wound up being so long, I have split it into two parts. This is part one. Click here for part two. To read the rest of the series, click the 31 Days tab above or click here to go straight to the Day One entry.

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Fall leaves are everywhere now and the weather is cool enough that jackets or long sleeves are necessary for most mornings as we send the girls off to school, although the afternoons are still warm enough for shorter sleeves. The weather doesn't really affect my clothing choices though. They have been the same for months. Black. Black. More black. I really have about two outfits that I wear pretty much every day and they are both black shirts and pants. The only break in my parade of black is Sunday mornings when I wear a long floral printed maxi dress with a solid yellow shrug over my shoulders. To be honest, it is another reason that I hate Sundays lately. I don't want to wear flowers or yellow or any other colour. I have always dressed in colours that are reflective of my mood and as my mood is rarely brighter than perhaps a dark midnight blue and is usually rather black, I don't feel like dressing in anything else. I have tried to wear other colours in an effort to lift my mood, but they just wind up irritating me and pulling me down further. The only other time outside of Sunday that I wear anything except my black is when I absolutely must in order to pretend that I am feeling happy or at the very least, normal. I even have a black cotton nightgown that I wear a lot of the time. The black not only fits my mood, but it is, in an odd sort of way, comforting. Lately I feel so on edge and irritable that the least little thing seems to overstimulate me and makes me want to run away and hide. I am normally very comfortable in crowds and around strangers, but all of that has changed too. My normal extroverted nature has been swallowed up by the darkness of depression and the black that I wear seems to help insulate me a little when I must endure those situations that have a tendency to overstimulate me.

Day Twenty: Home Again

Yes, I am a total geek. :)

Gray turns the corner and suddenly we are driving down our street. Less than a minute later, our house comes into view with the stately oak in the front yard and the juniper tree's branches moving gently in the mid-July breeze. We have just come from a late lunch at a local Mexican restaurant and my belly is full of delicious food, but more importantly, my heart is full from time spent with Gray and our girls. It is Monday afternoon and I am home at last. After five days of unspeakable pain, I am free. It is a bright sunny day and oppressively warm for this part of July, but I am not bothered by the heat or humidity. I am free. I am home. I am home!!! Tears spring from my eyes as we pull in the driveway and I swallow several times and sniffle a little bit. Gray reaches over and squeezes my hand and we get out of the van. The girls are chattering away and are halfway up the curved sidewalk to the front door before I can get out of the van and shut my door behind me. As I walk toward the back of the van, I see that they have, as usual, left the side door open and I slide it shut and stand staring at it for a moment. It is habit for me to check behind them and shut the door, but today it does not feel like habit or something that just has to be done. Today it feels like a "welcome home, Mom!" from my girls. Everything feels like it is welcoming me home and I am glad to finally be here.

Day Seventeen (part 2): Rules and A Visit

I go back to sleep for a while and finally wake up around 10:00am, decide to get dressed, and walk around a bit to see the rest of this prison. As I consider dressing, I realise that there is only one tiny corner of my room where I can dress that is mostly out of sight of the wide open door. I would just close the door, but we are not allowed to close it and if we do, it will lock us inside the room. Ditto for closing the bathroom door. There is absolutely no privacy. Anyone and I mean absolutely anyone -- doctor, nurse, staff, or fellow patient -- could walk by and see me dressing or undressing. It is a degrading, humiliating feeling to be cowering in the corner, looking over my shoulder every other second to make sure the coast is clear and that no one is walking in unannounced.

Day Nine: Of Water, Wine and Sirens Song (part 3b)

****Note: This entry contains very intense mentions of suicide (non-graphic). Please read with caution if you are triggered by these subjects.
 

All three girls finish lunch and the older ones go to play while I clean up their baby sister, change her diaper, and get her ready for her nap. She looks up at me as I'm changing her and cracks a wide, single-toothed grin. The gravity of what I am actively planning to do hits me with her smile and I inhale sharply, give her chubby little feet a kiss, and whisper, "I am so sorry, mi osita. I love you..." as I snap her onesie closed and put her tiny pants back over her bottom. I scoop her up and she leans her small head against my chest with a little yawn. I feel her soft weight resting against me and the surge of emotion that fills me is almost more than I can bear. You can't do this to her. You can't do this. Don't do this. Reach out to someone, anyone. I should call Gray. No. He will just drop everything and come rushing home and there's nothing he can do. His employer wouldn't understand. He needs to keep his job. No. Pendragon. Call him. No, I can't. The crisis line? Oh hell no. Email Chez? No. He has more to worry about than me. Plus, you barely know him. There is no one...

Day Nine: Of Water, Wine, and Siren Songs (part 3a)

****Note: This entry contains very intense mentions of suicide (non-graphic). Please read with caution if you are triggered by these subjects.

It is hard to believe that it is the end of June, and yet, it seems to have gone on forever. It is so hot and humid outside, much too hot to go out and play unless there is a swimming pool or sprinkler to keep you cool. The older girls are restless and have been all week. They miss the activity of playing with their cousin E-beth and have been wanting to go visit "Aunt" Sif and swim with her at the pool at her apartment complex. Frankly, I could do with a nice long visit with my best friend too. Sif and I have been texting and calling each other all week. She and her son Raffie have been swimming a lot lately and we have a standing invitation to come over. We could have gone earlier in this week, but it takes a huge amount of effort to get all four of us ready to go over there and my energy has been seriously lacking since Balinda and E-beth left last Saturday morning.

It is Friday morning though and I have been promising the girls all week long, so I fire off a text to Sif, asking her about a swimming date this afternoon. I don't expect an immediate text back as she is likely busy with Raffie, so I set it aside, open my laptop and reach for my cup of coffee. The steaming hot, sweet, creamy drink warms me and for the briefest of moments, the darkness that has been my companion recedes a little. Then the moment evaporates and the numb ache grips me all over again. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed this morning. I haven't been sleeping or really eating much at all. My weight has dropped almost 40 pounds in the last three and a half months and most days, if I eat at all, it's one small meal in the evening. I stopped counting calories with my phone app about three weeks ago just before our trip to the beach. I realised that my daily intake was so low (less than 500 calories most days) that if I kept focusing on it, I might just calorie count myself into an eating disorder. Pendragon told me it was a wise decision and pointed out that I had plenty to manage without adding that on top of it. I wouldn't even be weighing myself anymore if I had not noticed such a dramatic change in the way my clothes are fitting these days. I have long worn the same plus size clothes, but now they are much looser than they used to be. I realised this one day when I had to visit the ladies room rather urgently and forgot that I was wearing blue jeans. I shoved my pants down and realized when I went to pull them back up that I had not even needed to unbutton or unzip them. My face looks thinner in the mirror and my skin more pale and wan, as though I am wasting away with some illness. But then I guess I am. This depressive episode has been so intense that I am seeing Pendragon weekly (instead of every other week or once a month) and have been since late April; however I have already seen him this week and must wait until Tuesday for my next appointment. It is Friday and Tuesday seems like forever away.

I turn on my computer and pull up my email and Facebook. There is nothing new or interesting in any of it, so I make my way over to a support website for people who are struggling with mental illness like I am. It has a place for leaving messages for others, discussing topics related to mental illness, and reaching out for support and help. There is also a chat feature that allows you to talk with other people in real time. I open the chat window and log in. There are not many people here this morning and I know none of them. They say hello and then go back to their conversation. I feel suddenly even more alone than before and the darkness in my mind goes darker. I can't do this anymore. This hurts so much. I want to die. It would be so easy to just fade away. I could take those Xanax with that vodka based homemade vanilla extract and I know where an X-acto blade is. Two central nervous system depressants and a backup just to be sure. Yes. That will work....but I can't do this. I can't. But I can't bear this either. Oh God, please help me. Please. Please. If I could just cry...just release all this madness, escape from these dark thoughts and all the anguish I feel. Please. I glance up at the image of the Divine Mercy above our sofa and the crucifix above the mantle and the pain is so heavy and thick, that these things that normally bring comfort and peace elicit no feelings at all. Nothing. There is just nothing.

After some time, my older girls are clamouring for lunch, so I put the baby in her high chair and make their lunch. My hands automatically go through the motions of washing grapes, opening yogurt cups and string cheese packages, pouring fish shaped cheesy crackers onto plates, and filling lidded cups with water, but I am miles away in my mind. I automatically reply ("Mmhmm," "Okay,") to their innocent chatter without really hearing it. They settle into their chairs and out of habit, I lead the blessing, but it may as well be gibberish for the sense that it makes to me. There is no comfort or peace in this familiar ritual and the words that accompany it.

As they start on their lunch, I pour myself a diet soda and check the location of the homemade extract, pills, and the blade. I don't know when I will do it, but the plan is crystalising in my head. Even as it does, I look at my three beautiful daughters and my heart wrenches. How can I do this to them? To Gray? Poor Gray...oh Gray, please forgive me for this. Please forgive me for leaving you. I am so so sorry. By all rights, with the emotions that are flooding me as I think of saying goodbye and leaving all those I love most behind to grieve and deal with this mess I have made, I ought to be crying so hard that I am collapsed in a heap in the middle of the kitchen floor. Instead, I am in such anguish and distress, with no way to let go of it that I feel an actual physical ache in my neck, shoulders and chest. My arms and legs feel like lead. I consider calling Pendragon, but dismiss this idea because it will involve talking to a myriad of people before leaving a message for him and then having to wait for him to call me back. I don't have the energy necessary to jump through all those hoops. I need this to end now. I can't bear it for the rest of the day.

(Click here for the continuation of this entry in part 3b.)

Day Nine: Of Water, Wine, and Siren Songs (part 3c)

****Note: This entry contains very intense mentions of suicide (non-graphic). Please read with caution if you are triggered by these subjects.

Out of the nothingness, I hear a sound.

It sounds strange, muted, and far away, but familiar, like birds chirping. As soon as that thought goes through my head, my brain clicks a little and a dim realization penetrates that the sound I heard is my cell phone's text message notification sound. Instinctively, I reach for the last place I recall laying it and my fingers close around the hard outer case. As I glance at the screen, I open my messages and see that it is from Sif. 

Big Block Sing Song

Yes, my kids probably watch too much TV sometimes, but we do try to keep a close rein on what they are watching and limit them to a couple of channels that are pretty safe. One of those is DisneyJr. I like that channel because there's a wide variety of different programs (although they sometimes seem to run marathons if you look at the schedule) and they don't really run commercials per se. One of the things they used to show a good bit between the various shows were these little animated shorts called Big Block Sing Song. They last about a minute to ninety seconds and they feature a rectangular block shaped character with a face and arms and legs who sings a little song about something. My big girls have long since loved these and find some of them hysterical (the one called "Moose" really is funny), but our youngest, Miss GB has discovered the joys of the Big Block Sing Song and it is really fun to watch her belly laugh at one in particular. I took a video of her giggling with her sisters this afternoon. Here's the video they were watching:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bap_sr7yHQ

Hope that provides a little giggle for you or someone little that you love :)

A Note on Pseudonyms

My previous post (Finding My Tribe) referred to a few people in my life by pseudonyms. The reason for this is simple. The web is a big place and there is not much privacy. For the time being, I will be using pseudonyms for those people in my life that I want to mention specifically. To facilitate your ease in understanding who's who, here's a list:

Gray -- my sweet husband, whose favourite colour happens to be gray
M² -- my eldest daughter
AB -- my middle daughter
GB -- my youngest daughter
Sif -- my best girlfriend, Aunt Sif to my girls, and a permanent member of my tribe

Jae -- one of my best friends from childhood
Chez -- my cross country friend
Rikert -- my former teacher, turned friend
Pendragon -- my exceedingly patient, long-time therapist

This list may be updated from time to time as the need arises.