Five Minute Friday: Five

It's been a while since I've linked up with my friends in the Five Minute Friday community, but for the first time in some weeks, I actually had a decent idea for the prompt. Granted, the idea came to me as I was falling asleep last night, but I managed to remember it, so here it is! 

FIVE

Five Things I Love About Fall

As of this past Thursday, it is officially fall. Where I live, the first day of fall never quite feels like fall, so it's hard to get into the fall state of mind. Even after the official first day of fall, the temps remain summer like in the 90s during the day and dropping into the upper 70s at night. The trees are still mostly clad in green and short sleeves and shorts still abound everywhere you look. That said last Friday night, I saw a graphic from a local meteorologist on Twitter with the comment that after Sunday, we would get to say goodbye to the 90s! The graphic showed the highs and lows for the next week or so and I nearly squealed when I saw that the last day on it had a low of 56! Huzzah! As it is Thursday again today, I can say that it's officially FALL!!! The temps the past few days have been AMAZING! Today was absolutely gloriously gorgeous with clear sunny skies and temperatures that didn't get above about 75. With the advent of these fabulous temperatures, it brings to mind all the many things that I love about this time of year, so without further ado, here are FIVE things I love about fall!

1. Fall leaves - I've loved gazing at fall foliage since I was a young girl. There's something so lovely and magical about how the leaves turn from the greens of summer to the sunny yellows, subdued browns, bright oranges, and flaming reds of autumn. My mother used to say that the trees were exchanging their summer dresses for fall ones. As a girl, I loved to imagine the trees standing front of a mirror trying on their new colours before deciding what to "wear."

2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes - Nowadays, there's pumpkin spice everything. You can walk through the aisles of your local grocery stores and find cookies, cream cheese, cereals, breads, ice cream, cakes, air fresheners, soaps, and even deodorant! The thing that I think started it all is the Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte. The popularity of the PSL is so big these days that it's almost a little bit uncool to say that you like them, but I'm not ashamed. I LOVE a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks! There's something about them that never fails to help reduce my stress levels and make me feel calm. 

3. Soups and Stews -- I am very happy to eat a bowl of soup or stew or chowder any time of the year, but there's nothing quite like a steaming bowl of soup on a chilly fall day that makes you feel good inside. Some soups and stews -- like chili or creamy butternut squash -- are the kind of thing that just begs to be made and eaten when the mercury starts dropping and I am all too happy to oblige. In fact, as far as chili goes, I am chomping at the bit for things to get cold enough to make it because it just doesn't seem nearly as good when the weather is warmer as it does on a crisp fall night.

4. Snuggly Blankets -- Where we live in the south, summers are spent with ceiling fans whirring and lightweight sheets and covers when you sleep, but I really look forward to when it cools off so I can break out my fuzzy, snuggly blankets. I love to sit on the couch on a cool morning, watching TV with my first cup of coffee with a big fuzzy blanket draped across my lap. One of my favourite memories made in the last four years is snuggling with my youngest, GB, sharing one of those blankets while she watches Daniel Tiger and I drink my coffee. I'm not really a big fan of mornings, but when she snuggles up to me like that, it makes everything -- including the fuzzy blanket we share -- that much better. 

5. More Energy, Less Sweat -- One of the things that I like least about summer is the fact that the heat and humidity do more than just make me uncomfortable and frizzy haired. They are so oppressive at times that they drain my energy to the point that I just don't feel like doing much of anything. The heat of the summer also means that I wind up sweating a lot more than normal which also contributes to the lack of energy. When the temperatures finally cool off, I often find that I suddenly feel like I have a burst of energy that I didn't have before. My favourite thing is when I step outside for the first time after things cool off and can really feel the difference in the air temp, it's like someone has hit me with a little bit of sugar to my blood stream. It's not what I'd call invigorating, but it definitely energises me. I love being able to sleep more comfortably and without waking up feeling slightly sweaty. It's bliss! 

Bonus Thing I Love About Fall: My beloved patron saint, Pope St. John Paul II, has his feast day during the fall on October 22nd! I can't wait to celebrate his feast day in a few weeks!

What are you favourite things about fall? Tell me about them in the comments!

Sunday Funday 2

Hi all! I'm back for another Sunday Funday!

The past couple of weeks have been kinda hectic and stressful, but I've been trying to be good with avoiding sweets late at night. Y'all, I caved this week. I've had a powerful craving for ice cream for about three weeks and I finally gave in this past Wednesday night. I went to our local Publix grocery store with the plan of getting a half gallon of Publix brand Chocolate Trinity for Gray and a half gallon of some other Publix flavour for me. They have all the usual flavours like chocolate, strawberry, mint chocolate chip, vanilla, neopolitan, etc, but my favourites are the limited edition flavours that only appear at certain times of the year. I've had so much in my head lately that I completely forgot what time of year it was, so when I got to the ice cream section and looked through the gleaming glass doors, I got giddy. This is what I saw:

Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream -- my absolute FAVOURITE limited edition flavour. SO good! I had this flavour for the first time at a friend's son's 2nd birthday party about 7 years ago and was immediately hooked. I think they must put crack in it or something. Seriously. That year I think I bought about 5 or 6 cartons of it between when I had it at the birthday party in October and when they finally stopped making it for the year in December. Every year since then, it has been one of my favourite ways of celebrating that fall is here. This year, instead of the regular Publix brand black carton with a nice looking piece of pumpkin pie on the front, they really went all out. Check out the back of the carton. SO cute!

In case you can't read the words, it says, "Buckle your hat, Raise a spoon, And give thanks for dessert." I love the little Pilgrims, the fall leaves and even the bowl of ice cream with its fall leaf decoration. The cup of coffee is also a nice touch, because who doesn't love a cup of coffee or something steamy hot with dessert after Thanksgiving dinner?

I also love how they included this little bit of trivia on the carton about the little Pilgrim salt and pepper shakers. I had no idea they'd been around that long, but that could be because we've only had Publix in our area for about 15 years or so. About three or four years ago, they started airing a Publix commercial in November that features the little Pilgrims sitting amongst a huge Thanksgiving spread. It's such a great commercial that I think they have aired it every years since it first came out. It's one of those that makes you giggle and smile when you see it. Here, have a look:

This is the top of the carton. Notice how the Pilgrims expressions are different here and they're kinda giving each other a sideways glance! They're very expressive for inanimate objects, don't you think? You can actually buy a pair of these for your Thanksgiving table in pretty much every Publix store around the holidays. They're usually about $5-6, I think, so not too expensive. One of these days, I may get some for our holiday table. Need to do a bit more organization first!

And this is the ice cream....oh sooooo good! It's a pale orange coloured pumpkin flavoured ice cream with pumpkin pie spices, bits of pie crust (which somehow stays kind of crunchy), and a whipped cream swirl throughout. I could seriously eat half the carton in one sitting. As it is, I usually finish it in about four servings! Oh and it's seriously awesome with a tiny bit of the Chocolate Trinity flavour in the bottom of the bowl.

 Earlier in the week, I was at Publix getting dinner items and as I passed the dairy case, these jumped out at me! Y'all know what a nerd I am, so I had a hard time not grabbing one or both of these. They also had an espresso chocolate flavoured Darth Vader one and I discovered online that there's two more. One is a hazelnut flavoured C-3PO and the other is a spiced latte flavoured Chewbacca! FUN! I may need to find the Chewbacca one because I love Chewy and spiced anything in my coffee always sounds yummy this time of year. I told a friend online that it would have been awesome if they'd done a Princess Leia Cinnamon Bun one. I mean, come on. How awesome would that have been?

In other food related news, we had some pretty tasty homemade tamales this evening courtesy of our parish's hispanic ministry. They were selling them to raise funds for some of the projects they do and they were $2 apiece or $15/dozen. M2 has been looking forward to the tamale sale since last Sunday when she spotted the announcement in the weekly bulletin! I wasn't sure how she was going to like them, but she seemed to really enjoy the chicken one she had. AB enjoyed hers too, but our littlest, Miss GB, wouldn't touch them. Hooray for the picky almost-3 year old phase! (Not!)

So that's my fun stuff for this week! See you next week!

Sunday Funday 1

I thought since a lot of the stuff I write is more serious in nature, that it might be a good idea to take a break from that on Sundays. With that in mind, I give you something I'm going to call Sunday Funday. The basic idea behind it is that I'll be sharing something lighthearted with you. It might be a fun memory from the week, an anecdote from my kids, a song that makes me smile or feel good, some fun experience I had, a neat product I like (or one I've just found), etc. You get the idea. I may not do this every Sunday and may occasionally write a serious post too, but I'll try to come up with something a bit more fluffy for Sundays :)

Before I get started, a quick shout out to my friend Tara at Praying on the Prairie because her Sunday Blessings posts are kind of the inspiration for this idea. Thanks friend!

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So for this week, I wanted to share with you something I really rarely share with anyone. It's not that it's such a big secret really, just not something I tend to talk about much because I like to talk about other stuff more. So what is it?

It's my must-have list of personal care items.

Yeah, I told you this was going to be fluffy :) These are the things that I use on a regular basis and carry with me if I'm going to be away from home overnight. I call them personal care items rather than "beauty" items because they make me feel cared for physically when I use them. I suppose I could call them self-care items too since they are part of what I do to self-care. 

****Oh, and Gray, feel free to not read any further. I know this isn't exactly your cup of tea so I don't expect you to read all of this. Love you, sweetheart!****

Yeah, I know it's a little beat-up looking. Truth be told, I think this jar was one of Gray's that I swiped.

1. Carmex lip balm -- I love this stuff. Seriously. It's one of the best things for chapped lips that I've ever found. I prefer having it in the little 0.25 oz jars and applying it with a finger, but I've used the squeeze tubes and even the regular roll-up tubes (like ChapStick) too. I always apply this at night before I go to sleep and whenever I feel like my lips are a little dry. I also use it occasionally for the odd pimple or cold sore and it helps a lot. I have been known to tuck it in my purse or pocket if I'm going to be gone from home all day.

This stuff has such a pleasant smell!

2. Olay Night Firming Cream -- This is my go-to moisturizer for night time, although I do use it during the day time if I need to (just a thinner layer). It has a great feel to it and soaks in nicely without leaving your skin feeling greasy or bogged down. I usually spread it on a bit thicker at night and I really enjoy the ritual of smoothing it into my face and neck. There's something rather soothing about feeling a good face cream dissipate into your clean skin as you rub it in. Since I'm approaching 40 and already have a few faint lines started, I'm kinda thinking maybe this will help keep those lines from deepening and slow down the emergence of new ones (it's firming and all, you know?). Whether or not that happens, it's still a nice little bedtime ritual and makes me feel good. I also use the Equate (aka Walmart) brand of this stuff too.

This is the lightest colour shade available. Thankfully, it actually works! #PalePeopleProblems

3. Covergirl BB Cream -- This is a relatively new find for me. I'd read about BB creams, but never tried one until earlier this year. It's supposed to do all these amazing things for your skin, but I can't really tell that it does or doesn't. Mostly, I love it because it's not as heavy as a standard foundation, but not as light as a tinted moisturizer. It gives really nice coverage and goes on really easily. I usually use a little square makeup sponge to apply mine, but I have used my finger tips when I was in a hurry. I like this particular one because it has an SPF 21 in it which helps protect my Super Pale skin from getting too much sun. Given my family history of skin cancer, that's something I am concerned about too.

These things are SO handy!

4. Equate Makeup Remover Cleansing Towelettes -- This is what I use to remove that BB cream and other makeup products. I buy the Equate brand of these almost exclusively, but if you can't abide a store brand, these are equivalent to the Neutrogena brand makeup remover cleansing towelettes. The reason I buy the Equate brand is because they're SO much cheaper than the name brand. Plus, you can get them in a trial size pack which is awesome for travelling. I bought one of those for my trip to Boston this summer and had enough left to use it for my Five Minute Friday retreat weekend too. My favourite thing about these is how easy they are to use and well they work. You just grab one, wipe your face with it and the makeup comes right off. They smell nice and leave your face feeling clean and soft. Plus there's no need to rinse afterward, so they're perfect for someone who is perpetually sleep and energy deprived. I just wipe my face clean, toss the wipe in the garbage, and I'm done. I sometimes use these when I'm not wearing makeup but feel like my face is grimy and needs cleaning.

These were my colours for summer this year!

5. Nail polish -- Oh friends. This is a bit of an addiction, I think. I love me some nail polish. My bestie Sif and I are kinda hard-core about it. We love to paint our nails -- fingers and toes. There's something about having freshly painted fingernails and toenails that makes me feel pretty and feminine. Given that I'm not exactly a dainty woman, this is a big deal. The two bottles in the picture are what I wore a lot this past spring and summer. I used to love reds and pinks, but in the past couple of years, I've really gravitated toward blues -- teal, aqua, royal blue, TARDIS blue, sky, navy, sparkly -- all of them. They make me feel more youthful and fun as well as a little bit sophisticated. I also find that there's something sort of calming about wearing blue nail polish too.

Those are my top five personal care products. What are some of your favourite personal care must-haves?

The Other Man

Strip courtesy of peanuts.wikia.com.

Two people that I mention on a routine basis on this blog are my husband, Gray and my therapist, Pendragon. I've talked a lot about Gray's support and our story, but I haven't really talked much about Pendragon. I know some people might think it strange to go into much detail about their therapist, but he is an important person in my life and I wanted to share some of my thoughts about him.

In the last 2.5 years, I've seen him so frequently (due to the intensity of this episode of depression) that I have jokingly referred to him as "the other man in my life." Outside of Gray, he knows me better than almost anyone on the planet. It's very rare these days that I pull something out that totally surprises him. I've gotten to know a little bit about him too as he's shared different experiences he's had with similar things to give me a new perspective or encourage me that I'm not alone in something.

More Than Medication

In 2008, I was going through a particularly severe depressive episode, complete with self-injury. It began about 11 months after the birth of our second daughter, AB, but it wasn't until about 4 months later that I finally managed to make an appointment with a psychiatrist at a large psychiatric group near our apartment. I had gone off my antidepressants when I got pregnant with our eldest daughter, M2, but never got back on them postpartum because AB was conceived so soon after M2's birth. Gray suggested I might need meds again, so I made the appointment.

At the appointment with Dr. Alt, I gave him the basic history of my illness and waited for his assessment. He asked some questions about the current episode, looked back over his notes, and finally said in his pronounced German accent, "I am going to give you a prescription, but I think you would benefit from talking to someone."

My heart sank. I wasn't expecting that.

In retrospect, given that I was cutting myself and severely depressed, it was silly to think I could get away with just taking a prescription, but I didn't feel ready to talk about stuff. He continued, "So I'd like to set you up to see someone. Do you prefer a woman or a ma--”

"A man." The answer came flying out of my mouth before he'd even finished his question. He raised his eyebrows and looked down at his notes before addressing me again.

"Are you sure? You wouldn't prefer a woman?"

I shook my head and replied, "No, I wouldn't."

He continued, "The reason I ask is that in my experience, women are usually more comfortable talking to a woman."

I shook my head more firmly. "Not me. I would prefer a man, please."

He bent his head over my patient file, scribbled something down, and looked up again. "Well, in that case, I think I have just the person for you. I think you'll like him. His name is Pendragon." He made another note, then turned to look at something else on his desk. After a few moments consultation, he asked, "would next week be okay for an appointment with him?" I nodded mutely. After a bit of writing, he stood, handed me both a piece of paper bearing my new prescription and a larger one with instructions for the front office to make that appointment with Pendragon and with that, ended the appointment and ushered me out of the office.

The First Appointment

Time has a nasty habit of speeding up when you want it to crawl and the time between my visit with Dr. Alt and my first appointment with Pendragon flew by like a gust of wind. The day arrived and suddenly I found myself sitting in the parking lot, steeling myself to go inside. I finally got myself together, went in and checked in at the front desk. I sat down to wait. It must have been a few minutes, but it seemed like I'd barely sat down when I heard a pleasant sounding male voice call, "Therese?" I looked up and saw a rather tall, very young looking man holding a file folder and looking around. I stood up and we made eye contact. He repeated my name, "Therese?" I nodded quietly. "Hi, I'm Pendragon. It's nice to meet you."

I think I muttered something like "Nice to meet you too" but I can't be totally sure. My heart pounded nervously and I felt like I was barely breathing. He motioned toward the double doors that led back to the individual offices and invited me back. As we walked, I glanced at his face again and was struck by how very young he looked. Is he even old enough to be doing this? How old is he? As these thoughts went through my head, I suddenly realised that he was about six paces ahead of me. Dang, long legs! Hold up! Wow, he's tall!

I don't recall much of that first session. I do remember being surprised that he sat across from me rather than having a desk between us. I also recall that he didn't push me for details or pressure me to tell him anything more than I wanted to tell him. As a result, I didn't mention the self-injury or suicidal thoughts. I wasn't sure how he'd take it. My experience in the past had been very negative with doctors and therapists who just didn't understand self-injury and I'd only ever admitted suicidal thoughts to one other person. I wasn't sure if I could trust him with those darkest of secrets. Despite my reticence in that first session, I did find myself warming to him. He had a kind face, a relaxed approach, and my initial impression was that he wasn't judging me. At the end, we made an appointment for two weeks later. In retrospect, he must have sensed I was in more distress than I was letting on because as I was leaving, he told me that if I needed to talk before that appointment I could call during office hours, leave him a message, and he'd call me back. It was a small thing, but it made me feel a little less alone in my struggle. I decided in that moment that I thought I liked him and that this just might work out.

These Days...

Well, six years later, he still has a baby face (for real y'all, he looks like he's barely out of college), but I have since learned that he is, in fact, older than me by about 4 years. I've also learned more about him which has strengthened my ability to relate to him, be myself, and do the work of trying to recover and make positive changes in my life. These days I don't have to gallop to keep pace with his long legs, since he is now in private practice and the walk from his waiting area to his office door is only about four steps.

Because I trust him implicitly, I also, very rarely, hold anything back. He knows me well enough now though, that he can tell if I am. He still doesn't pressure me to say things I'm not ready to say, although he has perfected the art of helping me find a place where I feel able to say those things. In fact, there have been days when the depression has lain so heavy on me that my tongue was rendered silent and I couldn't bring myself to speak at all, but somehow, bit by bit, Pendragon has managed to help me find my voice and speak many difficult things aloud.

He doesn't judge me -- ever. No matter what kind of insanity falls out of my mouth or how much I sob and use half a box of tissues at one go. He doesn't care that the moment that I come in his office I kick off my sandals, tuck one foot underneath me, and plop down on his comfy sofa with all the grace of a paraplegic hippo. His office is a place where I feel safe and able to truly be my authentic self -- stripped of masks and defenses, totally honest, raw, vulnerable, and exactly who I am with all my good, bad, and in between. I've come in his office exhausted from too little sleep, in need of a shower, wearing clothes that were dirty, half out of my head from not eating for days, and so darkly depressed that I was silent as a tomb and have found deep concern, a lot of patience, and and a determined perseverance to help me find my way to a better place through self-care, coping skills, and changes in my thinking. I never feel like I'm under some kind of judgmental scrutiny.

Despite the lack of feeling scrutinized, Pendragon is keenly observant and is able to glean an awful lot about me and the kind of week I've been having before I've said the first word. I first noticed this two years ago when I had an appointment after one of the most traumatic days of my life. I know therapists are trained to be observant, but I think he is particularly so and it's very helpful as he has used those observations to point things out to me that I wasn't even aware of previous to that moment.

Lest you think that our sessions are all gloom and doom, we do laugh. In fact, there have been several moments where both of us were shaking with laughter. It's a darn good thing too, because the nature of mental illness is that you really need that kind of pressure valve to release tension and help ground you a bit. Pendragon also encourages me in the good things in my life like my marriage, my kids, and most importantly, my faith. He is, like me, a Christian (although not Catholic) and understands the vital role my faith plays in my life and in my mental health. His encouragement of the pursuit of my faith has been especially important as I've struggled mightily over the past 2 years with feeling connected to God and wanting to remain faithful in my walk with Him.

I am immensely grateful to God for bringing Pendragon into my life. To be honest, I do not have adequate words to express my gratitude. I am thankful for his listening ear, outsider perspective, professional expertise, and immeasurable amount of compassion, gentleness, and caring with which he has helped me through many a difficult situation and some of my darkest hours.

And so with that, I will wind this up and say "Thanks be to God for His merciful gift of a compassionate healer who helps me be just pensive enough to fight and slay my dragons."

Wednesday Wisdom - March 25, 2015

Because it's Wednesday on the week before Holy Week and my allergies are kicking my butt which means I'm heavily medicated and having difficulty stringing a thought or three together, here are a few memes, funny and wise to get you through Hump Day :) Enjoy!

#firstworldproblems

Or to quote Adam Savage: "I reject your reality and substitute my own!"

This is my sick twisted sense of humour peeking through.... :)

Sometimes you want to be held and sometimes not. Chocolate is always a good idea though!

From the new live-action version of Cinderella that just came out. Such a great message!

And often what is easy is not what is right. #lifelessons

The Doctor is funny, but after over 900 years of life, he also has moments of being very, very wise. 

Not funny or wise, but appropriate for March 25th. Happy Feast of the Annunciation! (Luke 1:26-38)

7 Quick Takes Friday - March 13, 2015

I've seen this link up for ages now and have always thought it looked like a fun one. I thought I'd give it a go today. If you want to join me with your own 7 Quick Takes, you can link up at This Ain't The Lyceum.

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1. It's Friday and it's Lent, so that means it's a meatless/fish only day. Normally we do fish (and we may do that tonight) but since I like to pretend I'm a domestic diva and that I might actually make some amazing meatless meal for my family, I enjoy looking at recipes. I found a list of 29 meatless meals at Buzzfeed that included several whose pictures made my mouth water.  Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese? Yes, please!

Here's the link to the recipe for the above gorgeousness: Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese

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2. Part of breaking the stigma of mental illness is changing the way we understand what mental illness is. For so long, these illnesses have been seen as something entirely different from any other bodily illness, simply because their source is in the brain. It is as though our brains are somehow not connected to the rest of us. Mental illness is just that -- illness. It needs to be viewed like any other illness so that there is no shame associated with having one or being treated for it. Think of it this way: you wouldn't think twice about seeing your doctor regularly for treatment of diabetes or be ashamed that you were undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. So it needs to be with mental illness. I saw this link via a friend on Facebook and I think it captures perfectly this idea: 

"I wear glasses. Could I manage without glasses? Yes, probably. I could squint a lot..."

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3. It just opened today (March 13th), but I can't wait to take my two big girls to go see this! I wasn't sure if it was going to be an appropriate adaptation for their ages (8 and 7), but after seeing a review from a friend who has a little girl their age and reading this review by Decent Films reviewer Steven Greydanus, this looks like one that will be a fun, entertaining, and family friendly good time. By the way, Steven Greydanus does good work with his website. He is Catholic and sometimes his reviews reflect that, but mostly, his movie reviews will give you a good idea of whether or not something is worth seeing and will definitely tell you if a so-called "family film" is worthy of the moniker. Plus, he's an all-around, genuinely nice guy (I met him once and had a great conversation about family and entertainment).

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4. I know I'm a little bit late in this, but because I am and always will be, a sci-fi geek, a little tribute to the late great Leonard Nimoy with some help from the next generation represented by Zachary Quinto. Rest in peace, Mr. Nimoy. #LLAP:

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5. The Village Chocolate Shoppe in Bennington, VA decided to try and break a Guinness World Record for the largest peanut butter cup, so they made one that was 230 pounds!!! Even better than the gigantic size and potential record breaking is the fact that once all the measurements were made, it was cut up and sold in pieces with the profits benefiting Project Against Violent Encounters, a charity which offers support and help to victims of domestic and sexual violence. Here's a picture, courtesy of Time.com, of the behemoth confection:

230 pounds of chocolate and peanut butter -- yes, please!!

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6. Gray shared this with me earlier in the week and it made me belly laugh. Even now, it still elicits a giggle. I love stuff that repeatedly makes me laugh. Laughter is helpful medicine for many ills. Without further ado.....*giggles*.....

*snort...giggle...snort....heeheehee...*

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7.  In case you haven't noticed, I love to share a good laugh. If you've never gone and read anything at Hyperbole and a Half, you absolutely owe it to your funny bone to go read. Allie Brosh is a genius and if her stories from her childhood with their accompanying drawings don't make you laugh, you might need a humor infusion. I mean, look at her blog header. How could you not love this?

L-R: The Alot, Simple Dog, Helper Dog, and the author

She also writes with a lot of bravery, honesty, and of course, humor about her struggles with depression (those posts have funny pictures too!). You can find those two posts here and here. My favourite posts of hers are:  

The God of Cake 

This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult (where her illustration about ALL the things comes from!) 

The Alot is Better Than You at Everything 

and Sneaky Hate Spiral.

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Don't know if I'll manage to do this blog linkup every week, but I'm going to try! See you next week (hopefully)!

A Song for Wednesday

This is a song that I've listened to countless times in the last couple of years as I've struggled through the darkness of depression. I absolutely LOVE Michael Card's music and this song is another example of his fine musicianship and amazing way with words. I'll be honest, it is a song that I haven't been able to fully embrace. I have listened to it and cried tears of anger, of longing, and tears that came from a place of deep, soul-crushing pain. I have started to listen to it on several occasions and it was so painful that I had to turn it off after the first few bars. I have listened to it and tried desperately to draw closer to God through the words of this song, but have felt almost nothing for my efforts. This song is so achingly beautiful and is such a perfect expression of what I have felt for so, so, so long and expresses some of the deepest desires of my heart. I told my big brother Chez this evening that I long for the day when I am able to hear this song, cry out, "Yes, Lord!" and to do as it says in the song and lift up my sorrows. I want to be able to hear it and truly enter into a spirit of worship where I am giving all of myself to Him, drawing close to Him, and feeling Him minister to the woundedness in me.

I'm not a huge fan of inspirational videos and as such, only watched the first few frames of it. I mainly picked this for the fact that it has the best audio of the song on YouTube. I invite you to click play, turn up your volume, close your eyes, and listen to this gorgeous song. May it bring you comfort, peace, and hope in the One who is able to keep you from falling and present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24).

Doctor Who and Catholicism

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you will know two things about me:

1. I am Catholic
2. I am a fangirl.

If you put those two things together, you can reasonably say that I am also a Catholic fangirl. I converted to Catholicism and I love everything about it. As each year passes, my love for my Catholic faith grows deeper and deeper. That said, my second most serious fandom has to be the British sci-fi series, Doctor Who.

For those of you who don't know that series, allow me to give you a brief description. Doctor Who involves a character called The Doctor who travels through time and space having adventures, saving planets and peoples (and occasionally the whole universe), righting wrongs, and inspiring hope everywhere he goes. He looks like a human (or as he says, we humans look like Time Lords) but he is really an alien from another planet. He travels in a spaceship called the TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space) which looks like a blue 1960s style London police call box on the outside, but which is MUCH bigger on the inside. He goes on his adventures with various humans (and the odd alien) who are referred to in the series as his "companions." The people who encounter The Doctor -- both his companions and others -- are forever changed by the experience.

Matt Smith (as the 11th Doctor) exiting the TARDIS somewhere in central London.

One of the reasons I love both the Catholic faith and Doctor Who is that they make me think and ponder deeper subjects. Naturally, through the past few years, my thinking in one area has kinda bled over into the other area and recently as I was brainstorming ideas for this blog, it occurred to me that there are a lot of connections between the realities of Catholicism and the fiction of Doctor Who. The following is just some of the things that kind of popped into my head. Some of them may be a little loosey goosey, so bear with me.

Ordinary Things

Doctor Who is brilliant at taking ordinary things and turning them into the stuff of nightmares -- shadows, statues, broken clocks, cracks in the wall, astronauts, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. The good thing is that The Doctor knows about the evil in these seemingly ordinary things and he helps his companions and others avoid a variety of terrible fates because he sees these things for what they are and knows how to fight them.

Satan is rather talented at taking ordinary things and using them to distract us from God, lure us into sin, and in some cases, destroy us completely. One of the things I love best about Catholicism is that it takes sin very seriously and as such, is very, very clear about the kinds of things that constitute sin and lays that out for us as Catholics. When we find ourselves tempted by these ordinary things that Satan has twisted for his own nefarious purposes or we have fallen for his lies and into sin, the Church, like The Doctor, is there to help us identify where we've gone wrong, avoid sin when we're tempted, and fight back when we fall victim to the lies of the Evil One. The biggest weapons in the Church's arsenal are the graces found in the seven sacraments -- particularly, the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) and the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist (communion).

Companions = Saints?

As I said before, The Doctor almost always goes on his adventures with one or more companions along for fun and company. His companions are an exceptional bunch of folks and each one is very different and has a very different relationship with The Doctor. The common thread that they all share is that each of them is not only along for the ride, but each one helps The Doctor find his way to doing the right thing. They act as a sort of conscience for him at times, they help him fight his battles, and they encourage him when he's down. In Catholicism, we have thousands upon thousands of saints. The saints are very similar to The Doctor's companions in that they are a rather varied group of very special individuals and because of this, we relate to different saints in different ways. One of the great things about the saints is that they are not just our companions, but our brothers and sisters in the faith who are in a unique position (thanks to their being totally perfected and in the presence of God) to help us fight our battles by praying for us, to act as a sort of conscience for us by the witness of their lives, and to encourage us by the writings and accounts of their lives that we have here on earth.

Save ALL the People!

The Doctor is, at his hearts (he has two of them), a do-gooder. He wants to help those in need and when someone needs saving, he's your man. He's such a do-gooder that he wants to save all the people, even sometimes those who have long been his enemies. But he can't. He tries his best, but even on the days when he saves most everyone, there are always those who fall through the cracks because they were too proud to accept his help or too arrogant to listen when he tried to warn them of some impending danger. When he fails to save people, it really hurts him. Even if he carries on, makes a joke, or presents a stiff upper lip about it, you see it in his eyes, in a flicker of a frown that crosses his face, or in the slump of his shoulders. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 2:4 that God wills that all men should be saved and that is because the nature of God is love and His love is so great for all of His creation that He wants each and every one of us to be with Him -- even those who regard God as an enemy. He wants this for all of us and that is why He sacrificed His only son Jesus that ALL of mankind might be redeemed. Of course, as we also know, He gave us free will. We are redeemed by Christ's sacrifice, but we must do the work of accepting that gift. The problem is that some of us are too proud to accept it or too arrogant to listen when they are presented with the Truth of the Gospel or warned away from serious sin. The result is that although we as Catholics may hope that all men will be saved, the reality is that the likelihood of hell being empty is pretty slim to none. In the end, those who are saved by The Doctor are saved because they put their trust in his ability to save them and likewise, we find salvation by putting our trust in the sacrifice of Christ on the cross to save us from sin and death.

Words, Not Weapons  

In the Doctor Who universe, there are quite a few weapons at The Doctor's disposal, but he doesn't own a single one of them. So how does he save the day? By using his trusty sonic screwdriver (futuristic Swiss army knife + universal remote control + every sci-fi hand-held scanner device in existence) and his imagination, quick wit, previous experiences, and vast intelligence. He can stun an enemy into silence with a single word or turn back an entire army with a very well-crafted speech. When he speaks, it behooves you to listen. Just so, the Catholic Church has been fighting against those who would try to tear her apart by using scripture, logic, reason, and intelligent arguments based on 2000 years of prayer, experience, and tradition. She follows the example of Jesus who used words and not weapons to change hearts and lives and fight against those who sought to hurt others or entrap him and so derail his mission. True, the Church has had some less than stellar moments and yes, there have been some people who have used violence in the name of Christ and His Church (and this is most decidedly wrong), but this has a parallel in Doctor Who too. The Doctor doesn't use weapons, but sometimes -- most especially when he travels alone for too long -- he forgets his way and allows things to happen that he could prevent or even lashes out angrily when there is no just reason for it.


The Pope is a Time Lord?

For me, one of the most obvious connections is between the Pope and the Doctor. The Doctor is a member of a race of people called the Time Lords. As I said before, he appears to be a human on the outside, but he does have some unique things about his physiology that are most decidedly alien. One is that he has two hearts instead of one, but the most interesting difference is his ability to regenerate. When The Doctor is near death, instead of dying, his body goes through a process called regeneration where his whole body is transformed into a completely new and different looking body from head to foot. He looks, sounds, and feels like a totally new person. He has different tastes in clothes, food, and the things that appeal to him and yet, he retains all of his memories from his previous incarnations and if you, as the audience, look carefully, you can even see glimpses of his previous incarnations peeking through the eyes of the current one. He is a totally new person, but he is the same person too. The Pope has a similar sort of thing going on. Obviously, he doesn't almost die and then regenerate, but he does change -- either when the current pope dies or when he retires, like Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI did in 2013. Each new pope brings with him a new face, voice, personality, and way of doing things to the office of the papacy, but he retains and defends the 2000 years' worth of dogma, doctrine, and Traditions of the Church. Like The Doctor, even though he has a new face, you can often see glimpses of his predecessors in the things he says and does or even his pastoral style. He is most definitely a different person, but because his apostolic authority and the unbroken line of apostolic succession (the office of the pope is often referred to as the See of Peter -- the first pope), he is in some ways most definitely the same person as the men who came before him.


There are many other things I could say about how these two fandoms of mine are connected, but I think for now, that's quite enough to be getting on with. If you would like to read a little more, here's another blog post about the TARDIS and the Catholic Church by Catholic blogger Billy Kangas.

Of Fandoms and Fangirling

I admit it. I am a hopeless fangirl. Don't know what that is? Let me show you. It looks something like this:

Just imagine that she's flailing those hands a little and you'll have it about right.

Just in case the picture doesn't help, here's a definition from Urban Dictionary:

fangirl, n.
1. (derogatory) a female fan, obsessed with something (or someone) to a frightening or sickening degree. Often considered ditzy, annoying and shallow.
2. (playful, good-natured) less extreme, a female fan who can laugh at their own passion for their particular interest (or even obsession).

I definitely fall into the second category. Actually, very few people fall into the first category for the simple fact that the level of devotion required to fall into that category is very time-consuming. Usually it's the province of high school and college age girls who have both the time necessary to obsess over something to that degree and the immaturity level. Category 1 is something that most fans grow out of once they reach adulthood and its various responsibilities and demands. It is generally accepted that to be firmly rooted in category 1 as an adult is rather unhealthy. Some folks are and they usually wind up making a career of it (like professional gossip columnists, entertainment writers, etc.), but that's not me. I'm sure some folks might think I'm closer to category 1, the reality is that life just doesn't allow me to be too obsessed.

So what makes a fangirl? Well, in short, a fandom. Confused? Here's another definition courtesy of the folks at Urban Dictionary:

fandom, n. 

The community that surrounds a tv show/movie/book etc. Fanfiction writers, artists, poets, and cosplayers are all members of that fandom. Fandoms often consist of message boards, livejournal communities, and people.

Fandom may also refer to the object of a fangirl's obsession. In my case, this is science fiction, fantasy, certain book series, and television shows. Fandoms often refer to their individual fangirls (and boys) by a collective nickname that is specific to that fandom. For example, fans who love the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling (either the books or the movies) often refer to themselves as Potterheads. One of the more famous examples of this are the Trekkies (fans who love anything in the Star Trek universe).

As for me, I'm a Whovian (Doctor Who), Potterhead (Harry Potter), Trekkie (Star Trek), Browncoat (Firefly and Serenity), Sherlockian (BBC's Sherlock), and general all-around Anglophile (lover of all things British). I also have a love for Star Wars and the Tolkien sagas of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.

See what I mean? I think it must be the thespian in me... *sheepish look*

Some of these fandoms, I have grown up loving and were passed on to me by my dad. The others, I have found via friends and, more recently, the internet. My love of all things British began thanks to a tea party hosted by a co-worker of my mom's when I was a little girl. My Brit-love extends to a number of British comedies or "Britcoms" that I used to watch on Saturday nights on our local PBS affiliate. As an adult, I've discovered the joys of the Masterpiece series, Call the Midwife, and of course, my favourite British period drama, Downton Abbey.

Period costumes, lush sets, scandal, intrigue, romance, social class tension, witty banter, and all set in the gorgeous English countryside during the early 20th century -- how could I *not* be a fan?

You might think with such an extensive list of fandoms that I wouldn't have time for anything but TV watching or book reading, but it's not too hard. For the most part, I indulge in these fun escapes when I have an hour or so in the evening or if I know I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, like a road trip or sitting waiting somewhere. I often keep a favourite book in the car or sometimes watch something on my phone via Netflix. Gray enjoys Doctor Who and occasionally Star Trek, so he and I sometimes watch those on a weekend night as a sort of date night in. Stuff that isn't available on Netflix or in book form is usually stuff that is on regular TV and gets recorded on our DVR to be watched at a later point. It may sound like a lot of work, but it's not really and for me, these fandoms are a source of fun diversion for me and help relieve a bit of stress at the end of the day. One of the fun things about being a fangirl is that it is an easy way to make friends and even bond with my family because the love of a particular fandom is a shared interest.

See what I mean about shared interest? Some fans even go to conventions and do what is called cosplay (costume play) where they dress up like their favourite characters. This is a bunch of Whovians at San Diego's ComicCon. Fun, no?

The other thing I love about my various fandoms is thinking about the stories and what they're trying to say that isn't readily apparent. I like asking questions about the characters' motives, the underlying themes, the direction the particular story arc may (or may not) be taking, and the myths that underpin everything. There are interesting ideas to be found and often, universal truths about human nature and the ways we relate to each other, to the world around us, and even our relationship (or lack thereof) with God. Sometimes, these ideas even lead to new insights about myself, my faith, or the world around me.

I also use my love of these various series of books and TV shows. How? Well, for one, I am sometimes inspired by them to create something of my own -- a poem, a story, or, more recently, a blog post. In a more practical way, many of the metaphors, quotes, and ideas found in these series have helped me to express in a concrete way what I'm feeling when talking with Gray or Pendragon about my struggles with depression. Sometimes too, in expressing these things about my struggles, I discover new insights that are useful in helping me understand my illness or take a tiny step forward in my journey toward recovery.

The Dowager Countess of Grantham always has the best one-liners and some of the most sage advice in the series. Plus, she is played by the amazing Dame Maggie Smith who is one of my favourite actresses.

So now that you know a little more about fangirls and fandoms, tell me what you love. Do you swoon over period dramas or get giddy about the latest sci-fi or fantasy novel? What is your fandom?

Day Thirty-one: We've Done the Impossible...

I began this 31 Days series with the idea of telling the story of my journey through depression and maybe helping provide some insight and education along the way, but what happened is that I stumbled.

I knew I would.

It's why I gave my series the title "Stumbling Through." I know myself well enough to know that I stumble a lot. The thing about depression is that it provides so many more opportunities to stumble through life, so when I was searching for an appropriate title, it seemed only fitting. The other thing about stumbling is that sometimes you catch yourself and sometimes you fall. I have, thanks to Gray and Pendragon, caught myself most of the time through this journey, but I have fallen too. I haven't really talked here on my blog about how I have fallen, but suffice to say that I've fallen hard enough that it put me behind schedule and very nearly made me stop altogether.

Day Thirty (part 1): Swingin' and Swayin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas

It is a few days before Christmas and we are in a hotel room somewhere in Virginia. Everyone is asleep except me. I am sitting here, trying to relax a bit, but struggling with it. Today has been a long day, but a good one. We left home early this morning and have driven all day, stopping as necessary for bathroom breaks, food, and gas for the van and we are finally here for the night. Tomorrow we'll start early again and should arrive at my in-laws' house by 5 or 6pm at the latest. Tonight we celebrated M2's 7th birthday with pizza from the local chain restaurant, cupcakes (one of which had 7 tiny candles in it!), and presents for the birthday girl. She is delighted with the excitement of celebrating her birthday in a hotel room and enjoying pizza and cupcakes in her new pajamas. AB was pretty delighted with the prospect of all the celebrations even though it wasn't her birthday. There is something kind of fun about being on a road trip and I have enjoyed it thus far myself.

M2 with her birthday cupcakes

A Huge "Thank You!" and An Apology

I want to thank all the wonderful folks who have been reading this series and have been so very kind and supportive of me. I am absolutely amazed and humbled by your kindness and generosity of spirit and all of the love you have showered on me during this. In addition, I want to especially thank all the #write31days Facebook group folks who have commented on my posts there and been concerned about me and who have been lifting me up in prayer and thought. Y'all are such treasures and I am very grateful for each of you!

Now for the apology. I have been reading all of your sweet comments and have been so touched by them, but I haven't replied to any of them in days. I want you to know that I do so appreciate that you take the time to comment and give me your input and feedback on what I've written. Life has been kinda nuts the last several days and quite honestly, this journey that I'm on has pulled me into a deeper darker place in the last week and a half on top of all the insanity of life. When that happens I often feel like I am good for absolutely nothing and have a tendency to want to just go quiet and not say anything to anyone. In other words, my depression has been kicking my butt and my head pretty good lately and I want to apologize if you've commented and I didn't reply. Please forgive my reticence. I wish I could give all of you a big hug, but since I can't, just know that I'm hugging you in my heart and sending a very heartfelt thank you to all of you. God bless you!

Day Fifteen: Poetry, Music, and Yummies!

Given the intensity of my story and the fact that I've been working on it almost non-stop for two weeks, I've decided to take a break from it for today. Instead, I wanted to share three things with you that are personal but not related to depression. Hope you enjoy!

Because Simcha Fisher is awesome

To quote my friend Chez, check thou it out:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2014/07/22/the-winners-guide-to-nfp-day-two-fifteen-prizes/