Monday Joys - July 4th, 2016

My friend Tara over at Praying on the Prairie does this weekly post called Sunday Blessings where she recaps her week by counting her blessings. They can be really big things like an answered prayer or small things like a text from a friend. I've long enjoyed reading her posts and have thought about doing something similar but have yet to hit upon a way that I want to do it. Well, today being July 4th and having had a pretty good day, I got sort of reflective in my Facebook status update. As I was rereading what I'd written, it occurred to me that all of the things I had listed were little blessings. That's when it hit me that the way I want to do this is try and list my little joys each week. As I was considering this post, it occurred to me that a good reason to try to start getting into the habit of doing this each week and doing it on Mondays rather than Sundays is twofold:

• Depression and PTSD often make it hard for me to see anything as joyful, even when it is. Doing this each week may help me be more mindful as I go about my week of the times when joy shines into the cracks of my day to day life. 
• Mondays are a day that I dread for a number of reasons. I have hated them since I was a child. Mondays mean that you either have to go to school or work or if you're like me and you're a stay at home mom, it means you're alone with the kids and no adult conversation or interaction. It's often a big downer after the weekend and especially so if you've had a really awesome weekend or are coming off a fun vacation. I guess the thought is if I sort of refocus my Mondays a bit by listing the previous week's joys and blessings, that it won't be quite as onerous.

I can't promise that my list will be nearly as long as Tara's is each week, but I can promise that there will be little joys. So, without further ado, here's the first installment of Monday Joys!

1. A vox from my friend Tara - so good to hear her voice. I've been missing her!

2. A long chat with my first cousin J. We talked for a good two and a half hours! It was like old times and I can't wait to do it again.

3. My weekly spiritual direction meeting with my priest, Fr. B. This week was very hard, but Father was so patient, gentle, and compassionate with me. He also reminded me of some very important things -- one of which is that he's always praying for me, Gray, and our family.

4. Fr. B gave me a second class relic of St. Brother André Bessette! He said for me to "hold onto it", so I'm not sure if he means me to keep it for good, but even if not, I am honoured to keep it for a time. St. Brother André was known for having a gift of healing in this life and his intercession as a saint has been attributed to numerous miraculous healings and cures.

5. A 30 minute long aromatherapy deep tissue massage on Thursday following my appointment with Dr. D for EMDR. My body had been so tense from all the stresses of the week (very rough week emotionally and spiritually) that I needed to have all those knots worked out. I hadn't planned on doing it, but I think my guardian angel must have nudged me in that direction because I suddenly had the idea and knew that I just had to do it. It was AMAZING. After the massage, I had a complimentary steam shower which was such a refreshing thing in and of itself. I actually had a cool shower but enjoyed steam coming from the vents and the combination of that with the massage left me feeling so totally relaxed and calm. It was nice to feel all clean on my drive home too!

6. Panera Bread's blood orange lemonade is, quite simply, THE BOMB. I could drink it several glasses of it every single day. With the mercury in the mid to upper 90s and the humidity so heavy that you feel like you're walking through a steaming oven, it's the perfect way to help you cool off, quench your thirst, and re-energize. Yes, it's a little pricey (about $2.19-2.59, depending on size) but if you're like me and you want more than one glass, it's worth it because the refills are FREE. I highly recommend a big glass of it paired with the Green Goddess Cobb Salad with Chicken for a light and refreshing lunch or dinner when it's too hot to cook or you just want something filling, but not too heavy. I recommend the lemonade all by itself as well!

7. Hamburgers made and grilled by my hubby Gray for our 4th of July repast. I enjoyed mine with sliced tomatoes, sharp cheddar cheese, dill pickle chips, mayo and ketchup. YUM!

8. This afternoon M2 decided to put on one of the digital music channels that comes w/our satellite package. She chose "classic rock" and soon the house was filled with The Eagles, Lynard Skynard, The Beatles, Three Dog Night, and Queen, among others. She and her sisters jammed out and I grabbed our littlest girl, GB, and tried to teach her some dance moves. That evolved into her sisters wanting to dance with me too and pretty soon we were all swaying, twirling, and grooving to the beat. The best was when "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night came on. SO much fun!

9. As it's the 4th of July, some fireworks were in order. AB had spotted some leftover fireworks from last year in our garage about a week ago and was chomping at the bit to light them off tonight. I stepped out to one of the local fireworks sellers and bought a few sparklers, some cherry snappers (those paper snaps you throw at the pavement), bottle rockets, and a package of really pretty fireworks that came with their own mortar to use for launching them. The girls had fun with the sparklers and the cherry snappers and we all enjoyed the bottle rockets and other fireworks. We also enjoyed the fireworks being set off by our neighbours down the street, around the corner, and about two streets over as they lit up the sky.

10. Dessert tonight was yummy -- store bought apple pie and vanilla bean ice cream. Simple, classically American, and just perfect!

11. Bedtime prayers tonight with my girls were a quiet kind of comfort.

12. Sitting in the grass with GB in my lap and her big sisters snuggled close while we watched the fireworks made my heart swell with love.

13. All the excitement of getting ready to see all my girlfriends this coming weekend at our every other year "retreat." I know these gals from an online community and consider many of them dear friends. It will be so wonderful to see all their faces again and hug their necks and chat and giggle until our voices are hoarse.

14. The blessing of my big brother Chez and my friend Rikert who are always so good to pray for me when I need it. I am so thankful for them both and their support.

15. The fun of the Thursday night Five Minute Friday Twitter party. I wasn't as active this week, but I always enjoy hanging with that community and chatting about our week.

16. For M2 who leaned over after communion on Sunday as I knelt crying (as I frequently do) and said, "Momma, I just had the thought that I should pray for you, so I prayed and asked God to give you some good sleep and no bad dreams. I realised that I hadn't really prayed for you like that before and that I should, so I did. I'm sorry I didn't before now." That caused even more tears as I leaned over, kissed the top of her head, and embraced her in a hug. I told her how much I appreciated that. Her sweet tender heart just bowls me over sometimes and this was definitely one of those moments.

I guess that's all for this week. With any luck, next Monday, I'll be back to do it all over again. Until then...

A Different Experience of Grace

After over a month of not writing anything, the last thing I thought I'd be blogging about is grace. To be honest, in this dark sojourn of the last two and a half years, I have shied away from writing about the subject. I talk about it occasionally with my sweet hubby Gray and the subject comes up quite a lot with my dear friend and “big brother” Chez, but I just can't seem to make myself write about it.

I believe in grace. Actually, I believe that it is God's gift of grace which saves us. I have had many encounters in my life with grace, but something about the deep heavy darkness of so long a trek through depression's valley has soured my desire to share much of anything with regard to faith, much less, grace. To be honest, I've been so angry at God and have had my faith shaken so profoundly, that there were times I wanted nothing to do with Him or the practice of faith at all. I even considered for a time turning my back on my faith altogether.

Breaking My Silence

If you have read my blog for any length of time, you may have noticed that one of the things I speak about most frequently - outside of the three Fs (faith, family, and fandoms) -- is my struggle with major depressive disorder. I'm sure there are some who read my words about this and wonder why on earth I would be so candid and open. I am certain that some of you who read this blog regularly may even find yourself squirming a little with discomfort when you see the words "depression" or "suicide" cross your screen.

Can I tell you something about that? It's okay. It's totally okay that you feel that way -- for now. 

Eventually, I'd like you and everyone else to get to a place where those words are less disturbing and are instead a cause for you to stop and listen with concern -- not just to my words but to anyone who might need to speak those words aloud.

I'll be honest. I've only just gotten to a place where those words no longer make me cringe and flinch. Even as easy as it's become for me to write about those things, I'll admit that there are still times when it is a little hard to say them out loud and face to face. But I do it anyway.

Why do I keep talking about this? Quite simply, because it's necessary.

Because silence, in the face of mental illness is no longer an option for me.

I have been silent for over 25 years about my struggle and about the role of mental illness in shaping the person I am today. I have been silent about my struggles with depression, PTSD, self-injury, and suicidal thinking. I have been silent out of fear of what others might think of me or how they might treat me if they ever found out. I have hid my secret from friends, neighbours, and close family. I have struggled with being totally honest with my husband, my therapist, and my dear friends who have supported me for fear of being rejected outright or having someone I love and respect give up on me.

Part of this struggle has come from having had some bad experiences with sharing my struggles. I had a therapist who violated my trust, a friend who got angry, a neighbour who immediately laid hands on me (in a charismatic prayer way), family and friends who acted embarrassed that I'd shared with them, and some family who suddenly became possessed by a desire to be overly supportive. On the flip side of this, I've had a therapist (Pendragon) who has supported me and helped me immensely, friends who have listened compassionately and not judged, numerous friends (and family) who have prayed for me when I've asked (and without my asking), and last but not least, my sweet husband Gray who has loved me and supported me without hesitation for as long as I've known him. 

So with such different responses, why continue to speak out and expose myself to possible judgement, betrayal, or anger?

Because silence helps no one.

Silence doesn't help increase awareness or education.
Silence keeps depression and other mental illness in the shadows.
Silence ensures that those who are struggling in the throes of suicidal thinking remain fearful of reaching out for help at a critical moment.
Silence perpetuates the stigmas surrounding mental illness in all its many forms.
Silence is an enemy to my own healing.
Silence begets more silence, more suffering and encourages others to suffer silently.
Silence is, in its own way, an agreement with the stigmas, misunderstandings, and confusion that surround mental illness and suicide.

So I refuse to be silent.

I will continue to speak out. I will speak through my own discomfort at times. I will continue to take risks in speaking to people one on one about my experiences with mental illness and suicide. I will continue to educate, answer questions, and advocate for better care, less stigma and a tomorrow where those who suffer do not feel the need to suffer in silence.

When Gray and I were just getting started in our relationship, he shared one of his favourite sci-fi/fantasy book series with me and in that series of books, I found one of my favourite quotes about sharing our struggles:

For my fellow book nerds, this quote is from Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson. It is the first of a whole series of books featuring a barman named Mike Callahan and the very unique folks who show up at his bar, Callahan's Place. If you need a fun read and like stuff that is a little different from your average sci-fi/fantasy book, I highly recommend reading this book and its sequels.

Now I'm going to ask something of you.

If you've read this, would you please comment below and then share this post somewhere else online? You can share it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, your own blog, via email, or wherever you like.

I know it's a little scary to think about doing something so vulnerable and open, but let me do the heavy lifting. Just share this post. You don't have to say why. The point is to share it to break the silence.

I believe it is important to keep this idea going. I'd like more people to feel free to share their stories and know that it's okay. I'm here. I'll read your story if you want to share it with me -- here in the comments or via email. I promise I'll reply. Maybe in all this sharing, we'll find a way to lessen the pain of mental illness and increase joy for everyone.

Will you help me?

Daybook Online Journal -- Week of March 3, 2015

Welcome to my weekly Tuesday post where I remember the ups and downs and big and little things of daily life for me and my family. I call it my Daybook Online Journal and it's an idea I found via fellow blogger Jenny at her blog, The Littlest Way. Thanks for the inspiration, Jenny! The prompts are a combination of several I've found as I've been researching this particular way of chronicling daily life. Come on in and reflect with me!

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Outside my window.... it's a rather rainy day today, gray and overcast, but the temperature has been in the low 70s which isn't totally unusual for this time of year. It is a little odd since we had the threat of snow last week and are supposed to have freezing rain and ice this Thursday. I really wish the weather would pick a season and stick with it for a while instead of all this crazy up and down, back and forth between winter and spring. I suppose I ought not be surprised given that this is also not unusual for this time of year. Welcome to the South!

Highlights from the week....

• Well, my girls would say that the potential "snow" day was a highlight because they got a day off school out of the deal last Wednesday as well as two days (Tuesday and Thursday) that were 2-hr delay days. We didn't get a single snowflake where I live but my parents who live about 20 miles north of us got snow. 
• For me and Gray, the highlight of the week was this past Saturday morning when our eldest, M2, received the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) for the first time! She was so excited and joyful before and afterward. She got to have her confession with our pastor, Fr. K, who she just loves to pieces. What an amazing blessing to watch her take her next steps along her faith journey and draw closer to God in this beautiful sacrament!
• With it being winter, there are a number of illnesses being passed around and I have fallen victim to one of the lovely upper respiratory bacterial bugs. I started feeling totally miserable on Sunday morning and finally went to get checked at our local urgent care clinic yesterday. Good thing I did. They diganosed me with mycoplasma bacteria which can become walking pneumonia if left untreated. I got two shots -- steroids and antibiotics -- and a prescription for an oral antibiotic and cough syrup with hydrocodone so I could rest. It's helped some and I feel less yucky today, but I'm definitely still struggling.
• Speaking of struggling, I'm not sure this is a highlight per se, but it is what it is. I have been through a rather intense and dark period of depression in the last week and a half and thanks to some prayers for deliverance prayed over me by Fr. B this past Thursday, I felt things finally start to lighten. 
• I posted my first entry in a good week and a half on Friday for the Five Minute Friday blog challenge. It had been a rough couple of weeks prior to that and it felt good to finally get something posted.
• The Downton Abbey season 5 finale -- SO many feels for my little fangirl heart! SO good and I can't wait for season 6 next January! Just wish I didn't have to wait so long between seasons.

This week I am thankful for....

• The flexibility of Gray's job that allows him to work from home when he needs to for the sake of my health. He's done that so much in the last two years and I am so grateful that his bosses are so understanding.
• Gray's patience with me, especially when I am in the throes of the darkest depression and am not truly myself. I know it is so trying on him and stressful for him even when I am less depressed, but that stress is doubled or even trebled when things are at their worst. I am so thankful for his love, kindness, and compassion in those hardest of times too.
• My dear friend Rikert who, out of concern for me in my darkest hour, tracked me down and stayed with me, talking until he persuaded me to go home to Gray who was worried sick and unable to come looking for me as he was home with our children. Rikert and his wife both have been so supportive of me during these past two years, but just over a week ago, he kept me from making a horrible mistake. Dear God, thank you for good friends who are loving and gentle, but firm and stubborn too.
• Fr. B, our dear family friend (who is also the priest who married us), who has been so faithful to pray for me and our family so often and who has been a particular blessing to me this week as we met so he could give me some spiritual direction, talk together, and pray. He prayed prayers of deliverance over me, gave me the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick, and a priestly blessing. I am firmly convinced that those three things really helped the intensity of my depression lessen and things get a lot lighter than they had been. 
• The blessing of modern medicine. It is truly amazing what good pharmaceutical drugs can do toward relieving the symptoms of physical illness. 
• The graces received by my eldest in her First Reconciliation this past Saturday. What a wonderful thing to be reconciled to God for the first time! Thanks be to God for His love and mercy!
• Having an increase in my appetite and some sort of decent sleep for the first time in a good month. Seriously. Nightmare free sleep is seriously underrated until you don't have it on a regular basis.
• Voxxer messages shared with my friend Jae
• The simple joy of watching Downton Abbey 
• Black bean and avocado salad with corn tortilla chips
• Chocolate -- something that makes a lot of wrongs right again.

Praying for...

• My friend N, who is saying goodbye to her daughter A, who is headed off to basic training
• My friend Jae, who so fervently prays for me even as she struggles with her own trials
• My friend Chez who is in the midst of his semi-annual Tin Cup Rattle on his blog where he tries to raise some much needed funds to take care of his family. 
• A blogger I have read at odd times in years past, but have discovered anew today -- Kendra at Catholic All Year. For her and her beautiful family and whatever prayer intentions they have.
• My friend T, who is always so supportive of me and loving. I appreciate her sweet comments, all our Voxxer chats, and most of all her prayers.
• For Fr. B, who I have mentioned twice already in thanksgiving for his many prayers for me and my family and his love for us. May God bless him always.
• For Fr. K, who heard M2's very first confession this past Saturday morning in thanksgiving for his ministry to our parish and the Church and for his love for the children of our parish.
• For M2 as she inches ever closer to meeting Jesus for the first time in the Holy Eucharist. Dear Lord, prepare her heart, her mind, and her body to meet you in this most holy and intimate way. Fill her with your love and grace as she approaches her First Holy Communion with You Jesus and always draw her ever closer to you in this Holiest of Sacraments.
• For AB and GB in thanksgiving for the wonderful blessings they both are to my life and the life of our family and that they too will be drawn closer to God with each day that passes.
• For my beloved Gray that he will find success in his work efforts -- in particular with those things that are frustrating him in his projects -- and somehow, amidst everything that he does for all of us, a deeper closeness with You, O Lord.
• For Pope Francis, our Bishop Robert Baker, all the bishops, priests, deacons, and consecrated religious that they will find renewed joy in their vocations and be refreshed in body, mind, and spirit as they serve the Body of Christ with their lives.

Reading...

• Mississippi Trial, 1955 by Chris Crowe -- actually just finished this one
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling -- a re-read
• The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien -- still working on this one
• Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte -- going to start this one soon

Listening to...

• EWTN Radio Network's Called to Communion with Dr. David Anders -- excellent call-in show for non-Catholics to ask questions about the Catholic faith
• Michael Card -- Come Lift Up Your Sorrows
• Mother Angelica and the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration praying the Rosary
• Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

I am learning... that my children are growing up faster than I'd like and time is not slowing down.

My favourite quote of the week:

"Give people high-fives just for getting out of bed. Being a person is hard sometimes."
            -- Kid President

A picture from my week:

M2 just prior to the communal penance service that preceded her First Reconciliation (Confession). So happy!

Praying together in front of the altar after her First Reconciliation as a family. One of my favourite pictures of the whole day. L-R: AB, me, M2, GB, and Gray

See you next week! 

Five Minute Friday: When

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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Times When My Life Was Touched and Changed

When I first realized at age 12 that "sad" didn't quite describe how I was feeling
When my ears first heard the words "my best friend"
When I first felt the swoop of freedom running through my veins at the words "you passed your driver's test.."

When I was afraid I would lose my mind if I could find no one to talk to about my home life
When my compassionate teacher and now dear friend Rikert heard my pain and helped me
When I looked through the window and watched my parents drive away
When I realized I needed help to deal with my depression

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone about what's going on and get help. This is the National Suicide Prevention hotline, but you don't have to be suicidal to use it. If you're depressed or grieving or lonely, you can call and talk to someone who is trained to listen and offer support!

When I realized that nothing was helping
When I was brave and tried medication for the first time
When I felt the thrill of acting with my peers at college
When my voice professor first praised my hard work and skills
When I began my own journey of faith

Sometimes you need a little humour as you're discovering faith for yourself.

When I experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit
When I landed in London and began a wonderful adventure
When my depression intensified and my self-injury began
When I withdrew from college to get help
When I worked and dreamed of having my own place in a new city and a new part of the country
When my dreams were dashed because of the lies of others
When a friend tried to hook me up with a guy and wound up hooking me up with the Catholic Church
When I made a new friend who I refused to call by his last name
When that friend and I kissed for the first time
When we became officially more than friends

I love it when he brings me flowers "just because." :)

When my boyfriend took me to visit his family at Christmas
When I was confirmed and received fully into the Catholic Church
When my boyfriend proposed three days later
When I walked down the aisle with my heart full of joy to marry my beloved Gray
When we gave ourselves to each other for the first time
When I found out that I was pregnant (each time)
When I first saw each of our sweet girls

Left to right: AB, GB, and M2 -- dressed up pretty for Easter 2014

When we bought our house
When my M2 and AB started preschool and later on, regular school
When the darkness that had been with me since age 12 descended again
When the darkness got even darker than I'd ever felt
When I had a moment when I lost hold of reality and almost attempted suicide
When I began what I thought would be a helpful treatment for depression
When the people who I trusted violated my trust, took advantage of my emotional distress, and coerced me into agreeing to something I never wanted to do
When my heart broke so completely that I thought I would never stop crying



When I spent 5 days in hell, afraid that I would never see light, love, or God again...

........ when the hell of those 5 days ended and I saw flickers of light and love again



When the nightmares began
When the flashbacks began
When I stood at the edge several times, contemplating suicide, and was pulled back to safety by the words of Gray, Pendragon, my big brother Chez, and my friend Rikert
When I had two weeks of respite in the midst of what has been over two years of continued depression
When I decided to write about my experience and share it with others

If you've ever wondered what it's like to go through an episode of major depression, please feel free to read my 31 Days series. It is an account of some of what I've been through in the last couple of years. Eventually, I may make it into a book.

When I began EMDR to treat my PTSD
When the flashbacks began to diminish
When I decided to take on the challenge of sharing my experience with suicide and raise funds to help prevent suicide and raise awareness

If you'd like to make a donation to help raise funds for programs that help prevent suicide, click here to donate.

When I decided to no longer stay silent about my struggles with major depression and suicide
When I realized that I need to do this walk for suicide prevention for myself as much as to help others.

Join the Five Minute Friday party at Kate Motaung's blog!

Day Twenty-nine: Night of Silence

"Cold are the people/Winter of life/We tremble in shadows/This cold endless night/Frozen in the snow lie roses, sleeping/Flowers that will echo the sunrise/Fire of hope is our only warmth/Weary, its flame will be dying soon." -- from Night of Silence by Daniel Kantor

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Thanksgiving has passed and for the first time in my life, I have not been with any extended family. Because of this, the preparation for Thanksgiving dinner has fallen completely to me. I have never done this before, but have manage to pull it off with a precooked ham, boxed stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, store bought rolls, and a homemade pumpkin pie. It takes a lot of planning and a fair amount of effort on the day of, but everything comes out really tasty and is well-received by everyone, even my sometimes unpredictably picky big girls. It is the first time in a long time that I've felt a bit more like myself. Even so, I find that the effort of cooking and baking drains me and I am much more irritable than I have any right to be. 

Five Minute Friday: Because

I am staring at the prompt for today and suddenly find myself at a loss for words. I think it might be best to plunge ahead anyway and just start writing. I don't know exactly what will come out of this because honestly, everything in my head is really muddled right now. I can make a list of things though and maybe that is the best thing to do.

Because I look at their three little faces each day, so full of promise and light and life and joy...
Because every time I look down at my left hand, I am reminded of my promise, made almost a year ago...
Because I have put one foot in front of the other for so long, what's another step?
Because this is hard, but He gave it all for me and His pain was harder than mine will ever be...
Because despite my doubts, anger, frustration, and all the raw, soul deep pain, I know somewhere, even if only in my subconscious that things shift and even though the light fades today, it may be lit tomorrow anew.
Because although sometimes it is so very very hard, a part of me whispers that it will be worth the struggle...
Because I am supported by the prayers of Gray, Sif, Chez, Rikert, and so many others...
Because, to quote Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen, "Life is worth living."

Ave Maria, ora pro nobis!

A Note on Pseudonyms

My previous post (Finding My Tribe) referred to a few people in my life by pseudonyms. The reason for this is simple. The web is a big place and there is not much privacy. For the time being, I will be using pseudonyms for those people in my life that I want to mention specifically. To facilitate your ease in understanding who's who, here's a list:

Gray -- my sweet husband, whose favourite colour happens to be gray
M² -- my eldest daughter
AB -- my middle daughter
GB -- my youngest daughter
Sif -- my best girlfriend, Aunt Sif to my girls, and a permanent member of my tribe

Jae -- one of my best friends from childhood
Chez -- my cross country friend
Rikert -- my former teacher, turned friend
Pendragon -- my exceedingly patient, long-time therapist

This list may be updated from time to time as the need arises.