A Hand To Hold

This is part of my April prompts series from the blog The Habit of Being. Each of the posts in this series will feature the prompt for that post as the post title. While I may sometimes use the current day's prompt, it is more likely that I will pick and choose as inspiration dictates. If you are interested in following along with the prompts or writing some of your own, here's the link to the page with April's prompts: http://thehabitofbeing.com/writealm/

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The nature of life is that we all sometimes need a hand to hold. 

Five Minute Friday: Gather

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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Then Boaz said to his servant who was in charge of the reapers, “Whose maiden is this?” And the servant who was in charge of the reapers answered, “It is the Moabite maiden, who came back with Naomi from the country of Moab. She said, ‘Pray, let me glean and gather among the sheaves after the reapers.’ So she came, and she has continued from early morning until now, without resting even for a moment.”                   -- Ruth 2:5-7

"Pray, let me glean and gather."

In the last year and a half, my walk with God has been constant but spare. I feel very much like Ruth in this passage -- I've been gleaning behind the reapers and trying to gather what little bits I can from what others around me have left behind. I've been gathering little pieces of prayers, single words from scripture, and barest breaths of the Holy Spirit, trying to cobble together something approximating a faith life. I have looked out over the fields of deep depression and have been unable to find my own way in faith. I have been unable to even see Him amongst the sheaves. My friends and family have prayed for me so faithfully during this season of gleaning and gathering and have tried valiantly to encourage me, but I feel very much as though I have been gleaning and gathering from their leavings rather than having much of a faith of my own.

Part of my gathering has taken the form of obedience despite not being able to sense His presence in the field beside me:

Go to Mass on Sunday and receive the Holy Eucharist.

Gather.

Pray bedtime prayers with my husband and children.

Gather.

Listen to talks on faith.

Gather.

Put one foot in front of the other.

Gather.

Go to therapy appointments.

Gather.

Go to confession.

(gulp) Gather.

Receive the Anointing of the Sick.

Gather. Gather. Gather. Gather.....

Pray for others.

Gather.

Thank God for the small things.

Gather.

Continue my ministry with the choir and cantoring the Psalms at Mass.

Gather (cry). Gather (cry). Gather (cry).

Ask for prayer for myself.

Gather. Gather. (sob) Gather.

Put on my holy medals again.

Gather.

Continue to teach my children about Jesus.

Gather.

Challenge my doubts.

Gather.

Eventually Ruth gathered enough to fill her belly and eventually she rested and was refreshed. Eventually, God rewarded her love and devotion to Naomi despite her pain with not only food and refreshing, but a loving husband and a place in the lineage of Christ. God rewarded her obedience -- her gathering when she had nothing else and knew nothing else to do -- with a legacy that outlived her by over two millennia and continues to this day. 

Ruth gathered among the sheaves.
Although I cannot see His face or hear His voice, I will continue to gather until I need gather no more. 

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up at Kate Motaung's blog!

Of Fandoms and Fangirling

I admit it. I am a hopeless fangirl. Don't know what that is? Let me show you. It looks something like this:

Just imagine that she's flailing those hands a little and you'll have it about right.

Just in case the picture doesn't help, here's a definition from Urban Dictionary:

fangirl, n.
1. (derogatory) a female fan, obsessed with something (or someone) to a frightening or sickening degree. Often considered ditzy, annoying and shallow.
2. (playful, good-natured) less extreme, a female fan who can laugh at their own passion for their particular interest (or even obsession).

I definitely fall into the second category. Actually, very few people fall into the first category for the simple fact that the level of devotion required to fall into that category is very time-consuming. Usually it's the province of high school and college age girls who have both the time necessary to obsess over something to that degree and the immaturity level. Category 1 is something that most fans grow out of once they reach adulthood and its various responsibilities and demands. It is generally accepted that to be firmly rooted in category 1 as an adult is rather unhealthy. Some folks are and they usually wind up making a career of it (like professional gossip columnists, entertainment writers, etc.), but that's not me. I'm sure some folks might think I'm closer to category 1, the reality is that life just doesn't allow me to be too obsessed.

So what makes a fangirl? Well, in short, a fandom. Confused? Here's another definition courtesy of the folks at Urban Dictionary:

fandom, n. 

The community that surrounds a tv show/movie/book etc. Fanfiction writers, artists, poets, and cosplayers are all members of that fandom. Fandoms often consist of message boards, livejournal communities, and people.

Fandom may also refer to the object of a fangirl's obsession. In my case, this is science fiction, fantasy, certain book series, and television shows. Fandoms often refer to their individual fangirls (and boys) by a collective nickname that is specific to that fandom. For example, fans who love the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling (either the books or the movies) often refer to themselves as Potterheads. One of the more famous examples of this are the Trekkies (fans who love anything in the Star Trek universe).

As for me, I'm a Whovian (Doctor Who), Potterhead (Harry Potter), Trekkie (Star Trek), Browncoat (Firefly and Serenity), Sherlockian (BBC's Sherlock), and general all-around Anglophile (lover of all things British). I also have a love for Star Wars and the Tolkien sagas of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.

See what I mean? I think it must be the thespian in me... *sheepish look*

Some of these fandoms, I have grown up loving and were passed on to me by my dad. The others, I have found via friends and, more recently, the internet. My love of all things British began thanks to a tea party hosted by a co-worker of my mom's when I was a little girl. My Brit-love extends to a number of British comedies or "Britcoms" that I used to watch on Saturday nights on our local PBS affiliate. As an adult, I've discovered the joys of the Masterpiece series, Call the Midwife, and of course, my favourite British period drama, Downton Abbey.

Period costumes, lush sets, scandal, intrigue, romance, social class tension, witty banter, and all set in the gorgeous English countryside during the early 20th century -- how could I *not* be a fan?

You might think with such an extensive list of fandoms that I wouldn't have time for anything but TV watching or book reading, but it's not too hard. For the most part, I indulge in these fun escapes when I have an hour or so in the evening or if I know I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, like a road trip or sitting waiting somewhere. I often keep a favourite book in the car or sometimes watch something on my phone via Netflix. Gray enjoys Doctor Who and occasionally Star Trek, so he and I sometimes watch those on a weekend night as a sort of date night in. Stuff that isn't available on Netflix or in book form is usually stuff that is on regular TV and gets recorded on our DVR to be watched at a later point. It may sound like a lot of work, but it's not really and for me, these fandoms are a source of fun diversion for me and help relieve a bit of stress at the end of the day. One of the fun things about being a fangirl is that it is an easy way to make friends and even bond with my family because the love of a particular fandom is a shared interest.

See what I mean about shared interest? Some fans even go to conventions and do what is called cosplay (costume play) where they dress up like their favourite characters. This is a bunch of Whovians at San Diego's ComicCon. Fun, no?

The other thing I love about my various fandoms is thinking about the stories and what they're trying to say that isn't readily apparent. I like asking questions about the characters' motives, the underlying themes, the direction the particular story arc may (or may not) be taking, and the myths that underpin everything. There are interesting ideas to be found and often, universal truths about human nature and the ways we relate to each other, to the world around us, and even our relationship (or lack thereof) with God. Sometimes, these ideas even lead to new insights about myself, my faith, or the world around me.

I also use my love of these various series of books and TV shows. How? Well, for one, I am sometimes inspired by them to create something of my own -- a poem, a story, or, more recently, a blog post. In a more practical way, many of the metaphors, quotes, and ideas found in these series have helped me to express in a concrete way what I'm feeling when talking with Gray or Pendragon about my struggles with depression. Sometimes too, in expressing these things about my struggles, I discover new insights that are useful in helping me understand my illness or take a tiny step forward in my journey toward recovery.

The Dowager Countess of Grantham always has the best one-liners and some of the most sage advice in the series. Plus, she is played by the amazing Dame Maggie Smith who is one of my favourite actresses.

So now that you know a little more about fangirls and fandoms, tell me what you love. Do you swoon over period dramas or get giddy about the latest sci-fi or fantasy novel? What is your fandom?

One Lovely Blog Award

I can hardly believe it, but I have been nominated for this award not once but three times recently. I am absolutely bowled over that even one person thought my natterings here are worthy of an award, but three? I am just so humbled. Thank you to all of you who were so generous and kind to nominate me for this.

The first nomination came from my fellow 31 Days blogger buddy, Charlotte whose blog really is very lovely and who is a genuinely lovely person too. The second nomination is from another 31 Days blogger buddy, Barbara who writes so eloquently about being a caregiver on her blog and is someone I'm so very glad to say is definitely a part of my online tribe! Finally, I was nominated by Tara, my sweet friend from 31 Days, whose stories about her mom's struggle with mental illness and her relationship with her mom touched my heart on so many days and inspired me to continue sharing my own story of mental illness. All of these ladies have been a wonderful encouragement to me as I've written my 31 days journey and I am very grateful to have met them and gotten to know them through this challenge.

Day Thirty-one: We've Done the Impossible...

I began this 31 Days series with the idea of telling the story of my journey through depression and maybe helping provide some insight and education along the way, but what happened is that I stumbled.

I knew I would.

It's why I gave my series the title "Stumbling Through." I know myself well enough to know that I stumble a lot. The thing about depression is that it provides so many more opportunities to stumble through life, so when I was searching for an appropriate title, it seemed only fitting. The other thing about stumbling is that sometimes you catch yourself and sometimes you fall. I have, thanks to Gray and Pendragon, caught myself most of the time through this journey, but I have fallen too. I haven't really talked here on my blog about how I have fallen, but suffice to say that I've fallen hard enough that it put me behind schedule and very nearly made me stop altogether.