(If you missed it, click here for part 1)
I didn't connect this struggle of faith with hopelessness
until one very dark afternoon while waiting in the carpool line at my
daughters' school. I had been struggling through several very days of
dark moods when my friend Chez, who had been very concerned about me
when I stopped talking to him, called me on the phone as I sat waiting
for school to get out. He suggested to me that what I was feeling with
regard to God sounded like hopelessness and I knew at once that he was
right. I realised when he said it that I had cringed at the sound of the
word and that I'd been actively avoiding using that word. I knew that
the painful, gaping hole inside me was there because of a lack of hope.
You would think that knowing this might help, but it only seemed to make
it worse. I sank deeper into despair and grew more and more
disconnected from my faith and, subsequently, from any desire to continue living.
To
make a long story short, a flicker of light appeared in March of 2015.
That's when I attended a Lenten ladies' devotion at our parish that was
led by our family's beloved friend, Fr. B. After the devotion ended and
everyone was chatting and nibbling on snacks, I went to say
hello to Fr. B as it had been a good year or so since we'd seen each
other. After our initial hellos, he asked how I was. I didn't want to burden him with my troubles, but something in the tone of his voice when he asked the question reminded me that he is more than just a priest, but a dear friend. That reminder of our treasured friendship undid my resolve and any attempt at
trying to pretend I was "just fine" completely crumbled. In a choked
up voice, I told him that things were hard and I'd had much better. He
looked at me with such compassion that I felt myself start to cry a
little bit. He handed me a napkin, gave me a hug, and said he'd be praying for me. That alone was a priceless gift, but then he told me to send him an email and
we'd get together at his parish and pray about it. I did just that and
a week or so later, we met together.
I'll admit that at that first meeting, I
wasn't very keen on the idea of praying at all and told Father as much.
He understood and before insisting that we pray anyway, he heard my
confession and gave me the anointing of the sick. After those two
sacraments, we began to pray -- or rather he prayed. I sat beside
him and as the words of the prayers washed over me, the dam burst and I
bawled like a baby. When Father finished praying, we talked briefly
while I wiped my face and then we walked over to the main church and he
gave me communion before leaving me there by myself to pray. As I knelt
there in the church, a sense of calm stole over me that I hadn't felt
in a very long time. I had promised Father that I would stay for at
least 10 minutes, but somewhere in the midst of that silence, 10 minutes
stretched into an hour without my even noticing it.
After
that meeting, we began to meet regularly, about 1-2 times a month for
spiritual direction and prayer and over time, that increased to weekly
at times based on my need (and his schedule) along with keeping in close
touch by email as well. What grew out of those spiritual direction
meetings was a very slow and very tenuous renewed relationship with God.
In the past year and a half, there have been moments when I have
wondered if what I was feeling stir within me was a spark of hope, but
every time I have felt this -- whatever this is -- it has gone as quickly
as it came, snuffed out by fear, PTSD triggers, or the circumstances of
life. I have longed for hope to return and it has remained elusive and
also something that I simply cannot bring myself to believe that I will
ever have again.
And yet.....here we are and it's time
to choose another word for the year and I'm being nudged by the Holy
Spirit to choose "hope" as my word for 2017. I felt this insistent nudge
about a week or so ago and immediately refused to entertain the idea.
I've continued to feel it since then and every time I have shut the idea
down so fast that if it had a head, it would spin. Nope. Nope. Nope.
BIG old NOPE. Think of Dana Carvey's impersonation of George H. W. Bush
where he says, "Nope, not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent at this
juncture." That's basically where I'm at right now.
The
Holy Spirit even went so far as to nudge me to mention this idea to
Pendragon during our last session and to Gray last night. Obviously,
Pendragon didn't push me and neither did Gray, but I know that both of
them would be encouraged if I did decide to take the plunge and make
"hope" my word for this coming year. The thing is, I can't do it because
of how I know it would make them feel. If I chose this for any reason
other than a desire within myself, I think it would be a miserable
failure.
And yet....and yet this nudge is persistent.
Do you know how I know this nudge is from the Holy Spirit? It's because
everything within me -- every instinct, every gut reaction, every fiber
of my being -- is screaming at the top of its voice,
"Noooooooooooooo!!!!" and as much as I want to ignore this nudge to do
it, I simply can't. It's not that it's louder than my own voice, but
that it's just as loud and inexhaustibly, relentlessly determined not to
let me wiggle or headbutt my way out of this.
So here
I am on the edge of 2016 becoming 2017, still resisting and still
scared. I know I need to just bite the bullet, say "Okay" and make the
commitment, but for whatever reason, I just can't. Then why write this
long essay about words and this subject? Because I needed to write it
and because I know that despite not beginning the new year with a new
word, this isn't over yet. It's only just beginning.
In
the meantime, pray for me. God knows that not only did I need to write
this, but that I need to do it too and only He can help me find the
courage to plumb the depths of this virtue and learn how to find it,
embrace it, and allow it to grow in my heart once again.
Showing posts with label Doctor Who. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doctor Who. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2016
One Word 365 Recap and Thoughts on 2017
Eleventh Doctor: Vincent, can I help?
Vincent van Gogh: It is so clear you cannot help. And when you leave, and everyone always leaves, I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.
Eleventh Doctor: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly, always hope.
I'm not gonna lie y'all. It was a rough year for me personally. It was also a year that turned my world upside down in a way that was really difficult (and still is to a great degree), but that will, I think, eventually wind up being positive. The jury is still out on that, but my therapist Pendragon said something at our most recent session on Thursday that he hasn't said in a long time. Actually, he used a word that he hasn't dared to use in a long time -- but more on that later.
A couple of years ago I discovered this thing called One Word 365. Basically, the idea is that you select a word for the year to be a kind of focus word, if you will, that you allow to influence and change you mentally/emotionally, physically, or spiritually. For 2015, I chose two words because as much as I tried, I couldn't shake the idea that I needed to embrace both of them -- write and follow. The first one was chosen because I had just come off the 2014 Write 31 Days challenge in October and I wanted to commit myself to writing in my blog more regularly and keeping up with it instead of just throwing it to the side. In the two years that have been since, I've had ups and downs, but I think I've managed to write at least one entry each month and some months, more than one. That may not seem like much, but it's a start. I chose "follow" as a word because I was struggling spiritually with wanting to follow after Christ. I've spent pretty much my entire life following Christ, but had gone through a trauma so severe that it had shaken my faith to the deepest levels. I wanted a reminder of what I had always done and that I knew deep down that I still wanted to do -- follow Him.
For 2016, I kept my 2015 words and added a third -- move. In 2015, I participated in my first ever Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk and struggled physically much more than I wanted to do. After only completing about 1.5 miles of the total 18, I felt defeated and I knew that although I had emotionally been struggling, I wasn't in the physical shape I needed or wanted to be either. I also knew that I needed to lose weight and make some changes to better my health, so I decided that a good first step would be to start moving more. To that end, I joined a local gym so that I could start walking and lifting some weights and in April, I got a Fitbit tracker to help motivate me to take more steps each day. I can't say that I suddenly became a fitness fanatic, but I did get more steps in this year and as a result, I lost a little weight and got in a little better shape. This year I completed 7 miles of the 18 during the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk and that was with the addition of taking a nasty tumble and mildly injuring myself. So although it wasn't a hugely different year with regard to fitness, it was a better year than the one before it and it is the beginning of a journey that I'm going to continue this year.
Speaking of this year, I suppose it's time to tell you about what happened the other night in Pendragon's office. You see, out of deference to how much he knows I've struggled with it, there is a word that he has studiously avoided using for the most part over the last three and a half years. He knows how much this word has caused me anguish and buckets of tears. He knows how many hours I've spent in his office talking around this word, afraid to even breathe it aloud. Because of that, he hasn't pressed me on it, but during our conversation on Thursday, he went out on a limb and said that he felt like the things I've been learning with my psychologist Dr. D have been beneficial and that the fact that I've been able to use those skills is a good reason for hope.
Hope.
I have to be honest. Just typing that scares the heck out of me. I have been scared for almost four years to have hope. It is to the point that in the beginning, I couldn't make myself utter the word aloud, not even in its more common sense (like "I hope you have a great birthday."), much less talk about it in any depth or use the word in its theological sense. A lot of my reluctance to talk about it has come from the fact that part of the theological sense of it has to do with trusting God. For someone who has trusted God her whole life, that ought to be easy, but trauma has a funny way of changing the most fundamental things about a person in ways that he or she never thought possible.
You see, the trauma that I endured and the PTSD that came about as a result of it also created a deep pit of anger within me and a quite a lot of that anger was directed towards God. I felt deserted by Him in my greatest hour of need, despite having cried out to him amidst the ordeal I went through. It was as though He had vanished completely. The silence was deafening and the sense of His presence which had always been so real to me, was gone so completely it was as though I had never felt it at all. The combination of the trauma itself plus feeling so completely abandoned by God shook my faith so much that for a very long time, I wanted nothing to do with God or even anything associated with God in any way. It got so bad that I eventually began to doubt my faith and struggle with the temptation to turn away from God completely.
(Please click here for part 2.)
Vincent van Gogh: It is so clear you cannot help. And when you leave, and everyone always leaves, I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.
Eleventh Doctor: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly, always hope.
*****************
A couple of years ago I discovered this thing called One Word 365. Basically, the idea is that you select a word for the year to be a kind of focus word, if you will, that you allow to influence and change you mentally/emotionally, physically, or spiritually. For 2015, I chose two words because as much as I tried, I couldn't shake the idea that I needed to embrace both of them -- write and follow. The first one was chosen because I had just come off the 2014 Write 31 Days challenge in October and I wanted to commit myself to writing in my blog more regularly and keeping up with it instead of just throwing it to the side. In the two years that have been since, I've had ups and downs, but I think I've managed to write at least one entry each month and some months, more than one. That may not seem like much, but it's a start. I chose "follow" as a word because I was struggling spiritually with wanting to follow after Christ. I've spent pretty much my entire life following Christ, but had gone through a trauma so severe that it had shaken my faith to the deepest levels. I wanted a reminder of what I had always done and that I knew deep down that I still wanted to do -- follow Him.
For 2016, I kept my 2015 words and added a third -- move. In 2015, I participated in my first ever Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk and struggled physically much more than I wanted to do. After only completing about 1.5 miles of the total 18, I felt defeated and I knew that although I had emotionally been struggling, I wasn't in the physical shape I needed or wanted to be either. I also knew that I needed to lose weight and make some changes to better my health, so I decided that a good first step would be to start moving more. To that end, I joined a local gym so that I could start walking and lifting some weights and in April, I got a Fitbit tracker to help motivate me to take more steps each day. I can't say that I suddenly became a fitness fanatic, but I did get more steps in this year and as a result, I lost a little weight and got in a little better shape. This year I completed 7 miles of the 18 during the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk and that was with the addition of taking a nasty tumble and mildly injuring myself. So although it wasn't a hugely different year with regard to fitness, it was a better year than the one before it and it is the beginning of a journey that I'm going to continue this year.
Speaking of this year, I suppose it's time to tell you about what happened the other night in Pendragon's office. You see, out of deference to how much he knows I've struggled with it, there is a word that he has studiously avoided using for the most part over the last three and a half years. He knows how much this word has caused me anguish and buckets of tears. He knows how many hours I've spent in his office talking around this word, afraid to even breathe it aloud. Because of that, he hasn't pressed me on it, but during our conversation on Thursday, he went out on a limb and said that he felt like the things I've been learning with my psychologist Dr. D have been beneficial and that the fact that I've been able to use those skills is a good reason for hope.
Hope.
I have to be honest. Just typing that scares the heck out of me. I have been scared for almost four years to have hope. It is to the point that in the beginning, I couldn't make myself utter the word aloud, not even in its more common sense (like "I hope you have a great birthday."), much less talk about it in any depth or use the word in its theological sense. A lot of my reluctance to talk about it has come from the fact that part of the theological sense of it has to do with trusting God. For someone who has trusted God her whole life, that ought to be easy, but trauma has a funny way of changing the most fundamental things about a person in ways that he or she never thought possible.
You see, the trauma that I endured and the PTSD that came about as a result of it also created a deep pit of anger within me and a quite a lot of that anger was directed towards God. I felt deserted by Him in my greatest hour of need, despite having cried out to him amidst the ordeal I went through. It was as though He had vanished completely. The silence was deafening and the sense of His presence which had always been so real to me, was gone so completely it was as though I had never felt it at all. The combination of the trauma itself plus feeling so completely abandoned by God shook my faith so much that for a very long time, I wanted nothing to do with God or even anything associated with God in any way. It got so bad that I eventually began to doubt my faith and struggle with the temptation to turn away from God completely.
(Please click here for part 2.)
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Wednesday Wisdom - March 25, 2015
Because it's Wednesday on the week before Holy Week and my allergies are kicking my butt which means I'm heavily medicated and having difficulty stringing a thought or three together, here are a few memes, funny and wise to get you through Hump Day :) Enjoy!
 |
| #firstworldproblems |
 |
| Or to quote Adam Savage: "I reject your reality and substitute my own!" |
 |
| This is my sick twisted sense of humour peeking through.... :) |
 |
| Sometimes you want to be held and sometimes not. Chocolate is always a good idea though! |
 | |
| From the new live-action version of Cinderella that just came out. Such a great message! |
 |
| And often what is easy is not what is right. #lifelessons |
 | |
| The Doctor is funny, but after over 900 years of life, he also has moments of being very, very wise. |
 |
| Not funny or wise, but appropriate for March 25th. Happy Feast of the Annunciation! (Luke 1:26-38) |
Friday, March 13, 2015
7 Quick Takes Friday - March 13, 2015
**********
 |
| Here's the link to the recipe for the above gorgeousness: Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese |
**********
2. Part of breaking the stigma of mental illness is changing the way we understand what mental illness is. For so long, these illnesses have been seen as something entirely different from any other bodily illness, simply because their source is in the brain. It is as though our brains are somehow not connected to the rest of us. Mental illness is just that -- illness. It needs to be viewed like any other illness so that there is no shame associated with having one or being treated for it. Think of it this way: you wouldn't think twice about seeing your doctor regularly for treatment of diabetes or be ashamed that you were undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. So it needs to be with mental illness. I saw this link via a friend on Facebook and I think it captures perfectly this idea:
**********
3. It just opened today (March 13th), but I can't wait to take my two big girls to go see this! I wasn't sure if it was going to be an appropriate adaptation for their ages (8 and 7), but after seeing a review from a friend who has a little girl their age and reading this review by Decent Films reviewer Steven Greydanus, this looks like one that will be a fun, entertaining, and family friendly good time. By the way, Steven Greydanus does good work with his website. He is Catholic and sometimes his reviews reflect that, but mostly, his movie reviews will give you a good idea of whether or not something is worth seeing and will definitely tell you if a so-called "family film" is worthy of the moniker. Plus, he's an all-around, genuinely nice guy (I met him once and had a great conversation about family and entertainment).
**********
4. I know I'm a little bit late in this, but because I am and always will be, a sci-fi geek, a little tribute to the late great Leonard Nimoy with some help from the next generation represented by Zachary Quinto. Rest in peace, Mr. Nimoy. #LLAP:
**********
5. The Village Chocolate Shoppe in Bennington, VA decided to try and break a Guinness World Record for the largest peanut butter cup, so they made one that was 230 pounds!!! Even better than the gigantic size and potential record breaking is the fact that once all the measurements were made, it was cut up and sold in pieces with the profits benefiting Project Against Violent Encounters, a charity which offers support and help to victims of domestic and sexual violence. Here's a picture, courtesy of Time.com, of the behemoth confection:
 |
| 230 pounds of chocolate and peanut butter -- yes, please!! |
**********
6. Gray shared this with me earlier in the week and it made me belly laugh. Even now, it still elicits a giggle. I love stuff that repeatedly makes me laugh. Laughter is helpful medicine for many ills. Without further ado.....*giggles*.....
 |
| *snort...giggle...snort....heeheehee...* |
**********
7. In case you haven't noticed, I love to share a good laugh. If you've never gone and read anything at Hyperbole and a Half, you absolutely owe it to your funny bone to go read. Allie Brosh is a genius and if her stories from her childhood with their accompanying drawings don't make you laugh, you might need a humor infusion. I mean, look at her blog header. How could you not love this?
 |
| L-R: The Alot, Simple Dog, Helper Dog, and the author |
She also writes with a lot of bravery, honesty, and of course, humor about her struggles with depression (those posts have funny pictures too!). You can find those two posts here and here. My favourite posts of hers are:
This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult (where her illustration about ALL the things comes from!)
and Sneaky Hate Spiral.
**********
Don't know if I'll manage to do this blog linkup every week, but I'm going to try! See you next week (hopefully)!
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Getting to Know You!
Lately I've been having a bit of writer's block. A lot of it has to do with my particular struggles with depression. I keep coming to this page where I have this gigantic white screen full of nothing and just can't find the words to write. So....to that end, I've decided I need some help. I have a Pinterest board that I keep with ideas for blogging and figured that might be a good place to look. As I was looking, it occurred me that a good way to spend this month might be by using a few prompts to tell you a little bit more about me. This is my birthday month, so it seemed rather appropriate. My first prompt from a list I chose off my Pinterest board is...
Some of you reading this may have read my "about me" page, so if you have, I apologize. There might be a few repeats. To that end, I'll try to keep this to some bullet points for ease of reading and hopefully so I don't duplicate as much :) Here's a few basics:
Some of you reading this may have read my "about me" page, so if you have, I apologize. There might be a few repeats. To that end, I'll try to keep this to some bullet points for ease of reading and hopefully so I don't duplicate as much :) Here's a few basics:
- I am a Roman Catholic Christian. This was not always the case.
- I am happily married to my beloved Gray (a pseudonym, as all names on my blog are) for almost 10 years now.
- I have three beautiful daughters, ages 8, 7, and almost 2.5. They go by M2, AB, and GB.
- I grew up in the Southeastern USA and still live there to this day. I have a love/hate relationship with my place of birth and residence.
- I am a sci-fi/fantasy geek and fangirl. Doctor Who and Harry Potter are two of my biggest fandoms.
- I am a book nerd and have been since I began reading at around age 3. I almost always have at least three or more books going at once.
- If you've read my 31 Days series, you will know that I struggle with major depression. It has been a fact of life for me and something I have had to figure out how to manage for over 25 years. In the last two years, it has been a constant companion with almost no relief. That is the main thrust of my 31 Days series. Depression is also one of the reasons that my writing isn't as constant as I'd like it to be.
- Speaking of blog series, I am a mostly regular participant in the Five Minute Friday blog series hosted by Kate Motaung at her blog Heading Home.
- I am rather short and Rubenesque and I love my naturally curly brown hair. Currently, it's just past my shoulders which is about the length I like it best -- not too short or too long.
- I love chocolate and rarely go a day without having a little chocolate of some kind.
- Coffee is essential for life. Seriously. I am not a morning person by nature and coffee ensures that I am able to function in the morning even when I don't feel like it.
- Tea is also something I love and have since my first sip of it as a child at a tea party. I do not like iced tea -- sweet or unsweet -- unlike most every other Southerner I know. If I am at a gathering where I've been given iced tea as a drink without being asked what I'd like, I will actively look for water or ask if there is water or some other beverage available.
- My mom swears that because of the above, I cannot be truly Southern. I also do not like coleslaw, pimento cheese spread, or vegetables that have been cooked within an inch of their life (the one exception being green beans which I will eat unless they are super mushy).
- I do not have a pronounced Southern accent. I cannot tell you the number of times someone has heard me speak and they've said, "Now where are you from?" and then looked astonished when I said, "I'm from here. Born and raised." Non-locals and friends from other parts of the country laugh when I say this because they hear a Southern accent, but then a lot of them have never been exposed to the heavy thick Southern accent that a LOT of folks have in these parts.
- I have a tendency to pick up and unconsciously imitate the accents of people I'm around for any length of time. I'm sure some people may think I'm doing it intentionally, but it's really a weird reflexive thing and I don't usually notice I'm doing it until someone points it out.
- I have a single tattoo on my upper left thigh. It is a rather recent acquisition as I've only had it for a little over a year. I absolutely love it. I never thought I'd ever get one, but there is a story behind why I did and what this tattoo means. Perhaps I'll write about that during this month.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Doctor Who and Catholicism
If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you will know two things about me:
1. I am Catholic
2. I am a fangirl.
If you put those two things together, you can reasonably say that I am also a Catholic fangirl. I converted to Catholicism and I love everything about it. As each year passes, my love for my Catholic faith grows deeper and deeper. That said, my second most serious fandom has to be the British sci-fi series, Doctor Who.
For those of you who don't know that series, allow me to give you a brief description. Doctor Who involves a character called The Doctor who travels through time and space having adventures, saving planets and peoples (and occasionally the whole universe), righting wrongs, and inspiring hope everywhere he goes. He looks like a human (or as he says, we humans look like Time Lords) but he is really an alien from another planet. He travels in a spaceship called the TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space) which looks like a blue 1960s style London police call box on the outside, but which is MUCH bigger on the inside. He goes on his adventures with various humans (and the odd alien) who are referred to in the series as his "companions." The people who encounter The Doctor -- both his companions and others -- are forever changed by the experience.
One of the reasons I love both the Catholic faith and Doctor Who is that they make me think and ponder deeper subjects. Naturally, through the past few years, my thinking in one area has kinda bled over into the other area and recently as I was brainstorming ideas for this blog, it occurred to me that there are a lot of connections between the realities of Catholicism and the fiction of Doctor Who. The following is just some of the things that kind of popped into my head. Some of them may be a little loosey goosey, so bear with me.
Ordinary Things
Doctor Who is brilliant at taking ordinary things and turning them into the stuff of nightmares -- shadows, statues, broken clocks, cracks in the wall, astronauts, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. The good thing is that The Doctor knows about the evil in these seemingly ordinary things and he helps his companions and others avoid a variety of terrible fates because he sees these things for what they are and knows how to fight them.
Satan is rather talented at taking ordinary things and using them to distract us from God, lure us into sin, and in some cases, destroy us completely. One of the things I love best about Catholicism is that it takes sin very seriously and as such, is very, very clear about the kinds of things that constitute sin and lays that out for us as Catholics. When we find ourselves tempted by these ordinary things that Satan has twisted for his own nefarious purposes or we have fallen for his lies and into sin, the Church, like The Doctor, is there to help us identify where we've gone wrong, avoid sin when we're tempted, and fight back when we fall victim to the lies of the Evil One. The biggest weapons in the Church's arsenal are the graces found in the seven sacraments -- particularly, the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) and the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist (communion).
Companions = Saints?
As I said before, The Doctor almost always goes on his adventures with one or more companions along for fun and company. His companions are an exceptional bunch of folks and each one is very different and has a very different relationship with The Doctor. The common thread that they all share is that each of them is not only along for the ride, but each one helps The Doctor find his way to doing the right thing. They act as a sort of conscience for him at times, they help him fight his battles, and they encourage him when he's down. In Catholicism, we have thousands upon thousands of saints. The saints are very similar to The Doctor's companions in that they are a rather varied group of very special individuals and because of this, we relate to different saints in different ways. One of the great things about the saints is that they are not just our companions, but our brothers and sisters in the faith who are in a unique position (thanks to their being totally perfected and in the presence of God) to help us fight our battles by praying for us, to act as a sort of conscience for us by the witness of their lives, and to encourage us by the writings and accounts of their lives that we have here on earth.
Save ALL the People!
The Doctor is, at his hearts (he has two of them), a do-gooder. He wants to help those in need and when someone needs saving, he's your man. He's such a do-gooder that he wants to save all the people, even sometimes those who have long been his enemies. But he can't. He tries his best, but even on the days when he saves most everyone, there are always those who fall through the cracks because they were too proud to accept his help or too arrogant to listen when he tried to warn them of some impending danger. When he fails to save people, it really hurts him. Even if he carries on, makes a joke, or presents a stiff upper lip about it, you see it in his eyes, in a flicker of a frown that crosses his face, or in the slump of his shoulders. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 2:4 that God wills that all men should be saved and that is because the nature of God is love and His love is so great for all of His creation that He wants each and every one of us to be with Him -- even those who regard God as an enemy. He wants this for all of us and that is why He sacrificed His only son Jesus that ALL of mankind might be redeemed. Of course, as we also know, He gave us free will. We are redeemed by Christ's sacrifice, but we must do the work of accepting that gift. The problem is that some of us are too proud to accept it or too arrogant to listen when they are presented with the Truth of the Gospel or warned away from serious sin. The result is that although we as Catholics may hope that all men will be saved, the reality is that the likelihood of hell being empty is pretty slim to none. In the end, those who are saved by The Doctor are saved because they put their trust in his ability to save them and likewise, we find salvation by putting our trust in the sacrifice of Christ on the cross to save us from sin and death.
Words, Not Weapons
In the Doctor Who universe, there are quite a few weapons at The Doctor's disposal, but he doesn't own a single one of them. So how does he save the day? By using his trusty sonic screwdriver (futuristic Swiss army knife + universal remote control + every sci-fi hand-held scanner device in existence) and his imagination, quick wit, previous experiences, and vast intelligence. He can stun an enemy into silence with a single word or turn back an entire army with a very well-crafted speech. When he speaks, it behooves you to listen. Just so, the Catholic Church has been fighting against those who would try to tear her apart by using scripture, logic, reason, and intelligent arguments based on 2000 years of prayer, experience, and tradition. She follows the example of Jesus who used words and not weapons to change hearts and lives and fight against those who sought to hurt others or entrap him and so derail his mission. True, the Church has had some less than stellar moments and yes, there have been some people who have used violence in the name of Christ and His Church (and this is most decidedly wrong), but this has a parallel in Doctor Who too. The Doctor doesn't use weapons, but sometimes -- most especially when he travels alone for too long -- he forgets his way and allows things to happen that he could prevent or even lashes out angrily when there is no just reason for it.
The Pope is a Time Lord?
For me, one of the most obvious connections is between the Pope and the Doctor. The Doctor is a member of a race of people called the Time Lords. As I said before, he appears to be a human on the outside, but he does have some unique things about his physiology that are most decidedly alien. One is that he has two hearts instead of one, but the most interesting difference is his ability to regenerate. When The Doctor is near death, instead of dying, his body goes through a process called regeneration where his whole body is transformed into a completely new and different looking body from head to foot. He looks, sounds, and feels like a totally new person. He has different tastes in clothes, food, and the things that appeal to him and yet, he retains all of his memories from his previous incarnations and if you, as the audience, look carefully, you can even see glimpses of his previous incarnations peeking through the eyes of the current one. He is a totally new person, but he is the same person too. The Pope has a similar sort of thing going on. Obviously, he doesn't almost die and then regenerate, but he does change -- either when the current pope dies or when he retires, like Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI did in 2013. Each new pope brings with him a new face, voice, personality, and way of doing things to the office of the papacy, but he retains and defends the 2000 years' worth of dogma, doctrine, and Traditions of the Church. Like The Doctor, even though he has a new face, you can often see glimpses of his predecessors in the things he says and does or even his pastoral style. He is most definitely a different person, but because his apostolic authority and the unbroken line of apostolic succession (the office of the pope is often referred to as the See of Peter -- the first pope), he is in some ways most definitely the same person as the men who came before him.
There are many other things I could say about how these two fandoms of mine are connected, but I think for now, that's quite enough to be getting on with. If you would like to read a little more, here's another blog post about the TARDIS and the Catholic Church by Catholic blogger Billy Kangas.
1. I am Catholic
2. I am a fangirl.
If you put those two things together, you can reasonably say that I am also a Catholic fangirl. I converted to Catholicism and I love everything about it. As each year passes, my love for my Catholic faith grows deeper and deeper. That said, my second most serious fandom has to be the British sci-fi series, Doctor Who.
For those of you who don't know that series, allow me to give you a brief description. Doctor Who involves a character called The Doctor who travels through time and space having adventures, saving planets and peoples (and occasionally the whole universe), righting wrongs, and inspiring hope everywhere he goes. He looks like a human (or as he says, we humans look like Time Lords) but he is really an alien from another planet. He travels in a spaceship called the TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space) which looks like a blue 1960s style London police call box on the outside, but which is MUCH bigger on the inside. He goes on his adventures with various humans (and the odd alien) who are referred to in the series as his "companions." The people who encounter The Doctor -- both his companions and others -- are forever changed by the experience.
 |
| Matt Smith (as the 11th Doctor) exiting the TARDIS somewhere in central London. |
Ordinary Things
Doctor Who is brilliant at taking ordinary things and turning them into the stuff of nightmares -- shadows, statues, broken clocks, cracks in the wall, astronauts, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. The good thing is that The Doctor knows about the evil in these seemingly ordinary things and he helps his companions and others avoid a variety of terrible fates because he sees these things for what they are and knows how to fight them.
Satan is rather talented at taking ordinary things and using them to distract us from God, lure us into sin, and in some cases, destroy us completely. One of the things I love best about Catholicism is that it takes sin very seriously and as such, is very, very clear about the kinds of things that constitute sin and lays that out for us as Catholics. When we find ourselves tempted by these ordinary things that Satan has twisted for his own nefarious purposes or we have fallen for his lies and into sin, the Church, like The Doctor, is there to help us identify where we've gone wrong, avoid sin when we're tempted, and fight back when we fall victim to the lies of the Evil One. The biggest weapons in the Church's arsenal are the graces found in the seven sacraments -- particularly, the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) and the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist (communion).
Companions = Saints?
As I said before, The Doctor almost always goes on his adventures with one or more companions along for fun and company. His companions are an exceptional bunch of folks and each one is very different and has a very different relationship with The Doctor. The common thread that they all share is that each of them is not only along for the ride, but each one helps The Doctor find his way to doing the right thing. They act as a sort of conscience for him at times, they help him fight his battles, and they encourage him when he's down. In Catholicism, we have thousands upon thousands of saints. The saints are very similar to The Doctor's companions in that they are a rather varied group of very special individuals and because of this, we relate to different saints in different ways. One of the great things about the saints is that they are not just our companions, but our brothers and sisters in the faith who are in a unique position (thanks to their being totally perfected and in the presence of God) to help us fight our battles by praying for us, to act as a sort of conscience for us by the witness of their lives, and to encourage us by the writings and accounts of their lives that we have here on earth.
Save ALL the People!
The Doctor is, at his hearts (he has two of them), a do-gooder. He wants to help those in need and when someone needs saving, he's your man. He's such a do-gooder that he wants to save all the people, even sometimes those who have long been his enemies. But he can't. He tries his best, but even on the days when he saves most everyone, there are always those who fall through the cracks because they were too proud to accept his help or too arrogant to listen when he tried to warn them of some impending danger. When he fails to save people, it really hurts him. Even if he carries on, makes a joke, or presents a stiff upper lip about it, you see it in his eyes, in a flicker of a frown that crosses his face, or in the slump of his shoulders. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 2:4 that God wills that all men should be saved and that is because the nature of God is love and His love is so great for all of His creation that He wants each and every one of us to be with Him -- even those who regard God as an enemy. He wants this for all of us and that is why He sacrificed His only son Jesus that ALL of mankind might be redeemed. Of course, as we also know, He gave us free will. We are redeemed by Christ's sacrifice, but we must do the work of accepting that gift. The problem is that some of us are too proud to accept it or too arrogant to listen when they are presented with the Truth of the Gospel or warned away from serious sin. The result is that although we as Catholics may hope that all men will be saved, the reality is that the likelihood of hell being empty is pretty slim to none. In the end, those who are saved by The Doctor are saved because they put their trust in his ability to save them and likewise, we find salvation by putting our trust in the sacrifice of Christ on the cross to save us from sin and death.
Words, Not Weapons
In the Doctor Who universe, there are quite a few weapons at The Doctor's disposal, but he doesn't own a single one of them. So how does he save the day? By using his trusty sonic screwdriver (futuristic Swiss army knife + universal remote control + every sci-fi hand-held scanner device in existence) and his imagination, quick wit, previous experiences, and vast intelligence. He can stun an enemy into silence with a single word or turn back an entire army with a very well-crafted speech. When he speaks, it behooves you to listen. Just so, the Catholic Church has been fighting against those who would try to tear her apart by using scripture, logic, reason, and intelligent arguments based on 2000 years of prayer, experience, and tradition. She follows the example of Jesus who used words and not weapons to change hearts and lives and fight against those who sought to hurt others or entrap him and so derail his mission. True, the Church has had some less than stellar moments and yes, there have been some people who have used violence in the name of Christ and His Church (and this is most decidedly wrong), but this has a parallel in Doctor Who too. The Doctor doesn't use weapons, but sometimes -- most especially when he travels alone for too long -- he forgets his way and allows things to happen that he could prevent or even lashes out angrily when there is no just reason for it.
The Pope is a Time Lord?
For me, one of the most obvious connections is between the Pope and the Doctor. The Doctor is a member of a race of people called the Time Lords. As I said before, he appears to be a human on the outside, but he does have some unique things about his physiology that are most decidedly alien. One is that he has two hearts instead of one, but the most interesting difference is his ability to regenerate. When The Doctor is near death, instead of dying, his body goes through a process called regeneration where his whole body is transformed into a completely new and different looking body from head to foot. He looks, sounds, and feels like a totally new person. He has different tastes in clothes, food, and the things that appeal to him and yet, he retains all of his memories from his previous incarnations and if you, as the audience, look carefully, you can even see glimpses of his previous incarnations peeking through the eyes of the current one. He is a totally new person, but he is the same person too. The Pope has a similar sort of thing going on. Obviously, he doesn't almost die and then regenerate, but he does change -- either when the current pope dies or when he retires, like Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI did in 2013. Each new pope brings with him a new face, voice, personality, and way of doing things to the office of the papacy, but he retains and defends the 2000 years' worth of dogma, doctrine, and Traditions of the Church. Like The Doctor, even though he has a new face, you can often see glimpses of his predecessors in the things he says and does or even his pastoral style. He is most definitely a different person, but because his apostolic authority and the unbroken line of apostolic succession (the office of the pope is often referred to as the See of Peter -- the first pope), he is in some ways most definitely the same person as the men who came before him.
There are many other things I could say about how these two fandoms of mine are connected, but I think for now, that's quite enough to be getting on with. If you would like to read a little more, here's another blog post about the TARDIS and the Catholic Church by Catholic blogger Billy Kangas.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Of Fandoms and Fangirling
I admit it. I am a hopeless fangirl. Don't know what that is? Let me show you. It looks something like this:
Just in case the picture doesn't help, here's a definition from Urban Dictionary:
So what makes a fangirl? Well, in short, a fandom. Confused? Here's another definition courtesy of the folks at Urban Dictionary:
As for me, I'm a Whovian (Doctor Who), Potterhead (Harry Potter), Trekkie (Star Trek), Browncoat (Firefly and Serenity), Sherlockian (BBC's Sherlock), and general all-around Anglophile (lover of all things British). I also have a love for Star Wars and the Tolkien sagas of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.
Some of these fandoms, I have grown up loving and were passed on to me by my dad. The others, I have found via friends and, more recently, the internet. My love of all things British began thanks to a tea party hosted by a co-worker of my mom's when I was a little girl. My Brit-love extends to a number of British comedies or "Britcoms" that I used to watch on Saturday nights on our local PBS affiliate. As an adult, I've discovered the joys of the Masterpiece series, Call the Midwife, and of course, my favourite British period drama, Downton Abbey.
You might think with such an extensive list of fandoms that I wouldn't have time for anything but TV watching or book reading, but it's not too hard. For the most part, I indulge in these fun escapes when I have an hour or so in the evening or if I know I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, like a road trip or sitting waiting somewhere. I often keep a favourite book in the car or sometimes watch something on my phone via Netflix. Gray enjoys Doctor Who and occasionally Star Trek, so he and I sometimes watch those on a weekend night as a sort of date night in. Stuff that isn't available on Netflix or in book form is usually stuff that is on regular TV and gets recorded on our DVR to be watched at a later point. It may sound like a lot of work, but it's not really and for me, these fandoms are a source of fun diversion for me and help relieve a bit of stress at the end of the day. One of the fun things about being a fangirl is that it is an easy way to make friends and even bond with my family because the love of a particular fandom is a shared interest.
The other thing I love about my various fandoms is thinking about the stories and what they're trying to say that isn't readily apparent. I like asking questions about the characters' motives, the underlying themes, the direction the particular story arc may (or may not) be taking, and the myths that underpin everything. There are interesting ideas to be found and often, universal truths about human nature and the ways we relate to each other, to the world around us, and even our relationship (or lack thereof) with God. Sometimes, these ideas even lead to new insights about myself, my faith, or the world around me.
I also use my love of these various series of books and TV shows. How? Well, for one, I am sometimes inspired by them to create something of my own -- a poem, a story, or, more recently, a blog post. In a more practical way, many of the metaphors, quotes, and ideas found in these series have helped me to express in a concrete way what I'm feeling when talking with Gray or Pendragon about my struggles with depression. Sometimes too, in expressing these things about my struggles, I discover new insights that are useful in helping me understand my illness or take a tiny step forward in my journey toward recovery.
So now that you know a little more about fangirls and fandoms, tell me what you love. Do you swoon over period dramas or get giddy about the latest sci-fi or fantasy novel? What is your fandom?
 |
| Just imagine that she's flailing those hands a little and you'll have it about right. |
fangirl, n.I definitely fall into the second category. Actually, very few people fall into the first category for the simple fact that the level of devotion required to fall into that category is very time-consuming. Usually it's the province of high school and college age girls who have both the time necessary to obsess over something to that degree and the immaturity level. Category 1 is something that most fans grow out of once they reach adulthood and its various responsibilities and demands. It is generally accepted that to be firmly rooted in category 1 as an adult is rather unhealthy. Some folks are and they usually wind up making a career of it (like professional gossip columnists, entertainment writers, etc.), but that's not me. I'm sure some folks might think I'm closer to category 1, the reality is that life just doesn't allow me to be too obsessed.
1. (derogatory) a female fan, obsessed with something (or someone) to a frightening or sickening degree. Often considered ditzy, annoying and shallow.
2. (playful, good-natured) less extreme, a female fan who can laugh at their own passion for their particular interest (or even obsession).
So what makes a fangirl? Well, in short, a fandom. Confused? Here's another definition courtesy of the folks at Urban Dictionary:
fandom, n.
Fandom may also refer to the object of a fangirl's obsession. In my case, this is science fiction, fantasy, certain book series, and television shows. Fandoms often refer to their individual fangirls (and boys) by a collective nickname that is specific to that fandom. For example, fans who love the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling (either the books or the movies) often refer to themselves as Potterheads. One of the more famous examples of this are the Trekkies (fans who love anything in the Star Trek universe).The community that surrounds a tv show/movie/book etc. Fanfiction writers, artists, poets, and cosplayers are all members of that fandom. Fandoms often consist of message boards, livejournal communities, and people.
As for me, I'm a Whovian (Doctor Who), Potterhead (Harry Potter), Trekkie (Star Trek), Browncoat (Firefly and Serenity), Sherlockian (BBC's Sherlock), and general all-around Anglophile (lover of all things British). I also have a love for Star Wars and the Tolkien sagas of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.
 | |
| See what I mean? I think it must be the thespian in me... *sheepish look* |
 |
| Period costumes, lush sets, scandal, intrigue, romance, social class tension, witty banter, and all set in the gorgeous English countryside during the early 20th century -- how could I *not* be a fan? |
 |
| See what I mean about shared interest? Some fans even go to conventions and do what is called cosplay (costume play) where they dress up like their favourite characters. This is a bunch of Whovians at San Diego's ComicCon. Fun, no? |
I also use my love of these various series of books and TV shows. How? Well, for one, I am sometimes inspired by them to create something of my own -- a poem, a story, or, more recently, a blog post. In a more practical way, many of the metaphors, quotes, and ideas found in these series have helped me to express in a concrete way what I'm feeling when talking with Gray or Pendragon about my struggles with depression. Sometimes too, in expressing these things about my struggles, I discover new insights that are useful in helping me understand my illness or take a tiny step forward in my journey toward recovery.
 |
| The Dowager Countess of Grantham always has the best one-liners and some of the most sage advice in the series. Plus, she is played by the amazing Dame Maggie Smith who is one of my favourite actresses. |
Monday, November 17, 2014
One Lovely Blog Award
The first nomination came from my fellow 31 Days blogger buddy, Charlotte whose blog really is very lovely and who is a genuinely lovely person too. The second nomination is from another 31 Days blogger buddy, Barbara who writes so eloquently about being a caregiver on her blog and is someone I'm so very glad to say is definitely a part of my online tribe! Finally, I was nominated by Tara, my sweet friend from 31 Days, whose stories about her mom's struggle with mental illness and her relationship with her mom touched my heart on so many days and inspired me to continue sharing my own story of mental illness. All of these ladies have been a wonderful encouragement to me as I've written my 31 days journey and I am very grateful to have met them and gotten to know them through this challenge.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Stay Tuned!
I know I've not posted in a few days, but it's been a rather tiring weekend. Actually, come to that, I'm still really tired and am about to go have a gigantic herbal tea, watch a bit of Doctor Who and try to convince my brain to have an earlier night of it. I've started another entry in my series #ForAlltheSaints, but just don't have the mental capacity to finish it tonight. I'll finish it up and post it at some point tomorrow.
Instead, here's a clip of some scenes from one of my favourite Doctor Who episodes, "The Doctor's Wife" written by Neil Gaiman and starring Matt Smith as The Doctor. It explores the unique relationship between The Doctor and his time machine/spaceship called the TARDIS. The Doctor has been travelling through time and space with his TARDIS for 900+ years at this point and the relationship is a bit like a lifelong love affair. Enjoy!
Instead, here's a clip of some scenes from one of my favourite Doctor Who episodes, "The Doctor's Wife" written by Neil Gaiman and starring Matt Smith as The Doctor. It explores the unique relationship between The Doctor and his time machine/spaceship called the TARDIS. The Doctor has been travelling through time and space with his TARDIS for 900+ years at this point and the relationship is a bit like a lifelong love affair. Enjoy!
Friday, October 31, 2014
Day Thirty-one: We've Done the Impossible...
I began this 31 Days series with the idea of telling the story of my journey through depression and maybe helping provide some insight and education along the way, but what happened is that I stumbled.
I knew I would.
It's why I gave my series the title "Stumbling Through." I know myself well enough to know that I stumble a lot. The thing about depression is that it provides so many more opportunities to stumble through life, so when I was searching for an appropriate title, it seemed only fitting. The other thing about stumbling is that sometimes you catch yourself and sometimes you fall. I have, thanks to Gray and Pendragon, caught myself most of the time through this journey, but I have fallen too. I haven't really talked here on my blog about how I have fallen, but suffice to say that I've fallen hard enough that it put me behind schedule and very nearly made me stop altogether.
I knew I would.
It's why I gave my series the title "Stumbling Through." I know myself well enough to know that I stumble a lot. The thing about depression is that it provides so many more opportunities to stumble through life, so when I was searching for an appropriate title, it seemed only fitting. The other thing about stumbling is that sometimes you catch yourself and sometimes you fall. I have, thanks to Gray and Pendragon, caught myself most of the time through this journey, but I have fallen too. I haven't really talked here on my blog about how I have fallen, but suffice to say that I've fallen hard enough that it put me behind schedule and very nearly made me stop altogether.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)