FMF: Sing

I didn't think I had anything to say about this week's prompt word, but suddenly the first sentence came to me and then I found that I couldn't stop writing. I love my Five Minute Friday community, but on those weeks when the inspiration does actually come, five minutes just isn't enough to convey everything that is in my heart. So without further ado, this week's prompt word:

 

SING

What do you do when you can't sing?
What do you do when your heart can't hear the song anymore?
What do you do when the song that once called you now hurts you with its words?
What do you do when your voice leaves you and the notes are replaced with tears?

The good Christian and Catholic answer would be that you keep singing.

But it's not that easy. It's just not.

It's not that easy when every time your eyes take in the words on the music sheet or hymnal and you feel a knot in your stomach, a lump forming in your throat, a quivering tremble in your normally steady voice, or a white hot anger spreading through your chest. Honestly, sometimes when your the song becomes too painful to sing, what you do is stop singing.

I know. I know. That's not what you're supposed to do. But it happens.

Can I tell you something? Despite whatever message shame and guilt are telling you, sometimes it's 100% okay to stop singing. God understands. He understands the pain and suffering we are enduring and that sometimes forcing ourselves to sing just exacerbates that pain. He's felt the same pain you are feeling -- whatever that may be. He gets it in a way that no one else can or ever will. It's because not only did He feel that ache in your heart when He was put to death for the sins of mankind, but He feels it now. He is with you in your pain. More to the point, when we are suffering, we are closest to His Sacred Heart.

So what do you do when you can't offer a song of praise or worship or even thanksgiving to God? What on earth do you do?

You offer up your sorrows instead. Offer every tear, every heartache, every moment of screaming and shaking anger, and every little bit of you that hurts. Offer that up to Him. You may be asking the question, "well, how do I do that?" The easiest thing to do is to make a conscious decision that whenever you feel all the things that steal your voice, that you will say to Him, "Jesus, I offer these to You." It doesn't have to be any kind of flowery or fancy sounding prayer. Just a humble offering in the midst of pain. Yes, that sounds easy and yes, it's hard to do. It can be especially hard to do if you are angry with Him.

So if you're angry at Him, what then? If that is what you are feeling and you can't bring yourself to offer anything to Him, just offer Him the promise that you won't run away. You can rage. You can rail. You can scream. You can tell Him exactly how you feel and use all the swear words in your vocabulary. All of the above are acceptable because He can take it. Just offer Him the promise that no matter how angry you get, you will keep coming back to Him. That means that you'll continue to do at least the bare bones basics of faith so as not to let the relationship die. Things might be distant for a while and you might be tempted to turn away, but keep turning back to Him. Sing Him the song of your promise to be obedient and faithful even amidst your anger.

I know that if you are hurting -- no matter the reason -- that you may be screaming at your computer screen right now and telling me in no uncertain terms that I'm bonkers or that I don't get it. You may be crying as you read this because you think that there's no way that you'll ever sing again. You may be in such great pain that you are praying that He will mercifully take you from this life. You may have reached a point where you are no longer concerned with singing any song because you are thinking of ending your life yourself. 

I know absolutely all of these pains. I know the anger, the rage, the heartbreak, the deep ache of wanting the pain to stop, the praying that God would take my life, the thoughts of suicide so dark that I couldn't see my way into the next hour, much less tomorrow. I know all of these things so well, my friend. I get it on a deep level.

Actually, I get it right now. I've had a week when the heavy dark cloud has been hanging over me and I just couldn't shake it. This evening, in fact, I felt so overwhelmed by it that I lost my ability to care that I was in the floor, shaking with sobs, and my eldest daughter was watching it all. It was horrible. It's still not so great. My classically trained soprano voice hasn't sung at all this week.

To be honest, I've not regularly sung His praises in the way that I normally love to do, for almost three years. So what have I done? I've continued in obedience and done the bare bones. I've gone to Mass each week and on holy days. I've prayed the blessing over meals. I've prayed bedtime prayers with my children and husband. I've wept so many tears that they would likely fill a rather large vat by this point and many of them as I've been on my knees before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I've screamed at Him (yes, with profanities on occasion) and told Him how angry I am and that I felt abandoned by Him when I needed Him most. I have, in my own disjointed and imperfect way, tried to continue on in faith and obedience even when I didn't feel anything and even when I didn't want to anymore.

My efforts to that end haven't been fruitless, but I have needed an abundance of help from my spiritual director, Fr. B. and the graces of the sacraments of Reconciliation (confession), Anointing of the Sick, and the Eucharist. Those meetings with Fr. B and the graces I've received through frequent reception of the sacraments have been like a healing balm that works slowly, but steadily. I can't say that my song has returned in full, but I am finding moments when the words and music fill me up with more than pain. I still don't sing as much as I once did, but my voice is returning in fits and starts.

So if you can't sing and it hurts too much, know that you are not alone. He is with you even in your pain and anger and silence. May Christ who knows your pain and hears your silent anguished song abide with you until you can sing again.

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If you find yourself at that place where you are thinking of suicide, please reach out to someone. If you need it, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or if you'd rather text to someone, text the word HOME to 741741 and the Crisis Text line will text you back.

Monday Joys - July 4th, 2016

My friend Tara over at Praying on the Prairie does this weekly post called Sunday Blessings where she recaps her week by counting her blessings. They can be really big things like an answered prayer or small things like a text from a friend. I've long enjoyed reading her posts and have thought about doing something similar but have yet to hit upon a way that I want to do it. Well, today being July 4th and having had a pretty good day, I got sort of reflective in my Facebook status update. As I was rereading what I'd written, it occurred to me that all of the things I had listed were little blessings. That's when it hit me that the way I want to do this is try and list my little joys each week. As I was considering this post, it occurred to me that a good reason to try to start getting into the habit of doing this each week and doing it on Mondays rather than Sundays is twofold:

• Depression and PTSD often make it hard for me to see anything as joyful, even when it is. Doing this each week may help me be more mindful as I go about my week of the times when joy shines into the cracks of my day to day life. 
• Mondays are a day that I dread for a number of reasons. I have hated them since I was a child. Mondays mean that you either have to go to school or work or if you're like me and you're a stay at home mom, it means you're alone with the kids and no adult conversation or interaction. It's often a big downer after the weekend and especially so if you've had a really awesome weekend or are coming off a fun vacation. I guess the thought is if I sort of refocus my Mondays a bit by listing the previous week's joys and blessings, that it won't be quite as onerous.

I can't promise that my list will be nearly as long as Tara's is each week, but I can promise that there will be little joys. So, without further ado, here's the first installment of Monday Joys!

1. A vox from my friend Tara - so good to hear her voice. I've been missing her!

2. A long chat with my first cousin J. We talked for a good two and a half hours! It was like old times and I can't wait to do it again.

3. My weekly spiritual direction meeting with my priest, Fr. B. This week was very hard, but Father was so patient, gentle, and compassionate with me. He also reminded me of some very important things -- one of which is that he's always praying for me, Gray, and our family.

4. Fr. B gave me a second class relic of St. Brother André Bessette! He said for me to "hold onto it", so I'm not sure if he means me to keep it for good, but even if not, I am honoured to keep it for a time. St. Brother André was known for having a gift of healing in this life and his intercession as a saint has been attributed to numerous miraculous healings and cures.

5. A 30 minute long aromatherapy deep tissue massage on Thursday following my appointment with Dr. D for EMDR. My body had been so tense from all the stresses of the week (very rough week emotionally and spiritually) that I needed to have all those knots worked out. I hadn't planned on doing it, but I think my guardian angel must have nudged me in that direction because I suddenly had the idea and knew that I just had to do it. It was AMAZING. After the massage, I had a complimentary steam shower which was such a refreshing thing in and of itself. I actually had a cool shower but enjoyed steam coming from the vents and the combination of that with the massage left me feeling so totally relaxed and calm. It was nice to feel all clean on my drive home too!

6. Panera Bread's blood orange lemonade is, quite simply, THE BOMB. I could drink it several glasses of it every single day. With the mercury in the mid to upper 90s and the humidity so heavy that you feel like you're walking through a steaming oven, it's the perfect way to help you cool off, quench your thirst, and re-energize. Yes, it's a little pricey (about $2.19-2.59, depending on size) but if you're like me and you want more than one glass, it's worth it because the refills are FREE. I highly recommend a big glass of it paired with the Green Goddess Cobb Salad with Chicken for a light and refreshing lunch or dinner when it's too hot to cook or you just want something filling, but not too heavy. I recommend the lemonade all by itself as well!

7. Hamburgers made and grilled by my hubby Gray for our 4th of July repast. I enjoyed mine with sliced tomatoes, sharp cheddar cheese, dill pickle chips, mayo and ketchup. YUM!

8. This afternoon M2 decided to put on one of the digital music channels that comes w/our satellite package. She chose "classic rock" and soon the house was filled with The Eagles, Lynard Skynard, The Beatles, Three Dog Night, and Queen, among others. She and her sisters jammed out and I grabbed our littlest girl, GB, and tried to teach her some dance moves. That evolved into her sisters wanting to dance with me too and pretty soon we were all swaying, twirling, and grooving to the beat. The best was when "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night came on. SO much fun!

9. As it's the 4th of July, some fireworks were in order. AB had spotted some leftover fireworks from last year in our garage about a week ago and was chomping at the bit to light them off tonight. I stepped out to one of the local fireworks sellers and bought a few sparklers, some cherry snappers (those paper snaps you throw at the pavement), bottle rockets, and a package of really pretty fireworks that came with their own mortar to use for launching them. The girls had fun with the sparklers and the cherry snappers and we all enjoyed the bottle rockets and other fireworks. We also enjoyed the fireworks being set off by our neighbours down the street, around the corner, and about two streets over as they lit up the sky.

10. Dessert tonight was yummy -- store bought apple pie and vanilla bean ice cream. Simple, classically American, and just perfect!

11. Bedtime prayers tonight with my girls were a quiet kind of comfort.

12. Sitting in the grass with GB in my lap and her big sisters snuggled close while we watched the fireworks made my heart swell with love.

13. All the excitement of getting ready to see all my girlfriends this coming weekend at our every other year "retreat." I know these gals from an online community and consider many of them dear friends. It will be so wonderful to see all their faces again and hug their necks and chat and giggle until our voices are hoarse.

14. The blessing of my big brother Chez and my friend Rikert who are always so good to pray for me when I need it. I am so thankful for them both and their support.

15. The fun of the Thursday night Five Minute Friday Twitter party. I wasn't as active this week, but I always enjoy hanging with that community and chatting about our week.

16. For M2 who leaned over after communion on Sunday as I knelt crying (as I frequently do) and said, "Momma, I just had the thought that I should pray for you, so I prayed and asked God to give you some good sleep and no bad dreams. I realised that I hadn't really prayed for you like that before and that I should, so I did. I'm sorry I didn't before now." That caused even more tears as I leaned over, kissed the top of her head, and embraced her in a hug. I told her how much I appreciated that. Her sweet tender heart just bowls me over sometimes and this was definitely one of those moments.

I guess that's all for this week. With any luck, next Monday, I'll be back to do it all over again. Until then...

Psalm 8

I love this psalm. My heart loves this psalm. I think it's because I grew up hearing a choral arrangement of it written by Tom Fettke called "The Majesty and Glory of Your Name." Ever since I can remember, my dad has sung in the adult choir at the Southern Baptist church where I grew up. I remember sitting in choir practice with him sometimes and being enveloped in the warmth of 4, 6, and 8 part harmonies, chords that seemed so rich and full that you almost expected them to melt in your ears, soaring high notes, and softly subtle moments that made your heart almost burst with the beauty of them. And those were just the rehearsals! I sat beside my mom, totally transfixed when the choir would present their Christmas concert or Easter cantata.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I joined my first church choir and I was hooked. As the years progressed, I fell deeper in love with the music, but also the words. It helped that all of my choir directors were people who were deeply passionate about God and drawing His people closer to Him through music. My high school church choir director was our minister of music and singing under his direction was more than just a wonderful experience; it was a blessing. He inspired me to really internalize the words and then pour that back out through my voice as an offering to God. It is because he selected things like "The Majesty and Glory of Your Name" that I memorized more scripture and began to take my faith more seriously.

The first time I sang that anthem, the high school choir combined with the adult choir. I remember how my spirit soared with the notes and how it was then that I had my first honest to goodness moment where I felt the Presence of God in a real, tangible way. I was overwhelmed by the idea that God, the Creator of the Universe, who hung the moon in its orbit and the stars in their place could care for me -- tiny, insignificant, screwed up, 15 year old me. As the notes climbed higher and higher, I thought I might explode with joy and then in a moment, the sudden diminuendo quieted my ecstasy, but then invited me in to draw closer to He whose glorious majesty had breathed life into me. As the music faded, I held my breath, willing the moment to stay with me a bit longer.

It was the first time that my song had been more than just notes and words on the page. It was the first time my song was also my prayer. I didn't know anything about St. Augustine at the time, but I think that moment -- and many more like it in the years that followed -- is why when I heard this quote as a Catholic that it immediately resonated: "He who sings, prays twice."

Now that I've told you all about why I love this psalm so much, here's a video of a performance of the choral anthem "The Majesty and Glory of Your Name" by Tom Fettke. Won't you come listen and pray with me? I'm including the words below the video, so you can follow along if you like:




The Majesty and Glory of Your Name 
Words based on Psalm 8 by Linda Lee Johnson
Music by Tom Fettke 

When I gaze into the night skies and see the work of your fingers;
The moon and stars suspended in space.
Oh, what is man that you are mindful of him?
You have given man a crown of glory and honor,
And have made him a little lower than the angels.
You have put him in charge of all creation:
The beasts of the field, the birds of the air, The fish of the sea.
Oh, what is man? Oh, what is man that you are mindful of him?

O Lord, our God the majesty and glory of your name
Transcends the earth and fills the heavens.
O Lord, our God; little children praise You perfectly,
And so would we. And so would we.

Alleluia! Alleluia!
The majesty and glory of Your name.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
The majesty and glory of Your name.
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! (Alleluia!)

A Meditation on Psalm 8 and Psalm 139

 A Meditation on Psalm 8 and Psalm 139

*inspired by Michael Card's "Starkindler"

What is man that You are mindful of Him?

You have kindled my soul from Your endless imagination and unfathomable power

You knit my bones and formed my being

You counted my days before their commencing.

The stars above me bear witness to Your supreme power,

The music I hear to Your infinite creativity

When I look above me into the vast expanse of space

The sky stretching on and on towards the heavens

Strewn with stars and planets

I wonder, breathless, why You created little, tiny me.

The vast oceans roll into the shore

Shifting grains of sand beneath their waves

While breezes lift my hair

And my skin drinks deeply of the sun's warm rays.

Birds soar upon the currents

And nestle in trees

Which teem with their own life

And the myriad of life which also makes its refuge in their branches.

Each creature, from tiniest insect to the largest mammals

Were shaped in all their complexity by Your fingers

Their courses directed and needs provided for by Your hands.

Grasses, plants, flowers, and every living thing springs forth by Your command

A symphony of beauty

And a tribute to Your Eternal Majesty.

With all of this vast creation, so intricate, elegant, and beauteous,

Who am I that You, the God of the Universe,

The Starkindler

Should sculpt me to reflect Your likeness

Send Love into the world as a perfect sacrifice for me,

And enkindle within this soul You made, the fire of Your Spirit?

Who am I, that You are mindful of me?

Today's post is my first ever link up with this week's #RaRaLinkup at Kelly Balarie's blog, Purposeful Faith. I hope you enjoy it and find it uplifting! Thanks to my friend Tara for introducing me to it via her blog!

A Song for Wednesday

This is a song that I've listened to countless times in the last couple of years as I've struggled through the darkness of depression. I absolutely LOVE Michael Card's music and this song is another example of his fine musicianship and amazing way with words. I'll be honest, it is a song that I haven't been able to fully embrace. I have listened to it and cried tears of anger, of longing, and tears that came from a place of deep, soul-crushing pain. I have started to listen to it on several occasions and it was so painful that I had to turn it off after the first few bars. I have listened to it and tried desperately to draw closer to God through the words of this song, but have felt almost nothing for my efforts. This song is so achingly beautiful and is such a perfect expression of what I have felt for so, so, so long and expresses some of the deepest desires of my heart. I told my big brother Chez this evening that I long for the day when I am able to hear this song, cry out, "Yes, Lord!" and to do as it says in the song and lift up my sorrows. I want to be able to hear it and truly enter into a spirit of worship where I am giving all of myself to Him, drawing close to Him, and feeling Him minister to the woundedness in me.

I'm not a huge fan of inspirational videos and as such, only watched the first few frames of it. I mainly picked this for the fact that it has the best audio of the song on YouTube. I invite you to click play, turn up your volume, close your eyes, and listen to this gorgeous song. May it bring you comfort, peace, and hope in the One who is able to keep you from falling and present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24).

Five Minute Friday: Send

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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For all my modern geekiness, I sometimes think that I ought to have been born in a much different era. I started noticing this when I was a young teenager of about 13 or 14. I found myself attracted to a lot of vintage sorts of things. Now understand that when I say vintage, I mean like Victorian era kind of vintage.

We are not amused.

Part of this likely came from the influence of the big sister of one of my best girlfriends. Her big sister had these magazines and they were filled with pictures of lace tablecloths, pretty dishes, elegant clothes, cups of tea and dainty tea cakes, and all manner of lovely things. I remember being at my friend's house and flipping through her sister's magazines and wishing that I could send myself back to that era to live for a while.

Nothing like a cup of tea and a pretty magazine to flip through at your leisure. The magazine featured in this photograph is the one that my friend's big sister subscribed to and it's one I've taken myself in years past.

This feeling of being out of step with my own era continued to grow when I fell in love with Harry Connick Jr's music in high school. I was on a church youth choir trip and asked a boy I admired who he was listening to on his Walkman tape player. He told me who it was and let me borrow his cassette tape. I popped it in my tape player, put my earphones on, and listened as this rich velvety baritone voice and full big band orchestra came through the speakers. It was love after two bars. I was absolutely sent. At the next stop on our tour, I bought a copy of that album with my spending money at the local mall in that area and soaked myself in the jazz, blues, and big band tunes of this gorgeous crooner. Even today, some 20+ years later, Harry Connick, Jr continues to be one of my favourite artists and I still get a thrill out of listening to him sing.

On the left, the picture and album that won my heart. On the right, Mr. Connick today. Still crazy talented and crazy gorgeous too! Did I mention that he's my celebrity boyfriend? Yeah, Gray laughs at me for that one :)

As I got a bit older, I discovered calligraphy, fountain pens, and dip pens. I especially grew fond of dip pens and at some point in college, I bought a very pretty blown glass one that I still enjoy using. There's something about writing a letter by hand (in any pen) and sending it to someone else. Its one of the reasons I signed up for the #fmfpartysnailmail and am looking forward to writing notes of encouragement to others using my dip pen and sending them out. I might even use my pretty stationary!

This is very similar to what my pretty glass dip pen looks like. There's a learning curve to using it, but it's so much fun and sends me back to a bygone era every time I use it!

I'm a nerd and a tech geek and love my computer and gadgets and all, but there is something special about another, simpler era gone by when people sent invitations to tea or long letters to read by candlelight that just appeals to me. I suppose I was meant to be born when I was, but I wouldn't mind being sent back in time -- if only for a little while!

Join the Five Minute Friday party at Kate Motaung's blog!

A Week in the Life - My Daybook Online Journal

I'm going to try something new with regard to keeping track of day to day life. It's called a Daybook. I've seen several bloggers who do this and have yet to be able to find a format that I really like, but I do find the idea of prompts appealing, because it helps you think about things constructively rather than just casting about in your mind for memories of the week.

The main reason I want to do this is because, to quote Jenny at The Littlest Way, "the little things that seem insignificant in the day to day" are important to remember because they "end up being the things of importance in the long run." I want to have a record of the mundanity of life so that when I am old and gray and wondering where all the years went, I can look back and remember and tell my grown children and (hopefully) grandchildren about all the things that made up the fabric of life for me and for my family. Another reason I want to do this is to follow through with a goal (#oneword365 -- follow) to write a little each day in 2015 (#oneword365 -- write).

As I've said previously, I have always struggled with keeping a journal on a consistent basis despite a desire to record life in this way, but I think with this blog and this more structured way of writing about things, I may have hit on something I can finally do with some consistency. I think I'm going to start with some of Jenny's prompts that she uses for her daybook and I may switch it up as I go.

Next up -- my first entry in my new daybook!

One Lovely Blog Award

I can hardly believe it, but I have been nominated for this award not once but three times recently. I am absolutely bowled over that even one person thought my natterings here are worthy of an award, but three? I am just so humbled. Thank you to all of you who were so generous and kind to nominate me for this.

The first nomination came from my fellow 31 Days blogger buddy, Charlotte whose blog really is very lovely and who is a genuinely lovely person too. The second nomination is from another 31 Days blogger buddy, Barbara who writes so eloquently about being a caregiver on her blog and is someone I'm so very glad to say is definitely a part of my online tribe! Finally, I was nominated by Tara, my sweet friend from 31 Days, whose stories about her mom's struggle with mental illness and her relationship with her mom touched my heart on so many days and inspired me to continue sharing my own story of mental illness. All of these ladies have been a wonderful encouragement to me as I've written my 31 days journey and I am very grateful to have met them and gotten to know them through this challenge.

Day Twenty-nine: Night of Silence

"Cold are the people/Winter of life/We tremble in shadows/This cold endless night/Frozen in the snow lie roses, sleeping/Flowers that will echo the sunrise/Fire of hope is our only warmth/Weary, its flame will be dying soon." -- from Night of Silence by Daniel Kantor

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Thanksgiving has passed and for the first time in my life, I have not been with any extended family. Because of this, the preparation for Thanksgiving dinner has fallen completely to me. I have never done this before, but have manage to pull it off with a precooked ham, boxed stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, store bought rolls, and a homemade pumpkin pie. It takes a lot of planning and a fair amount of effort on the day of, but everything comes out really tasty and is well-received by everyone, even my sometimes unpredictably picky big girls. It is the first time in a long time that I've felt a bit more like myself. Even so, I find that the effort of cooking and baking drains me and I am much more irritable than I have any right to be. 

Day Twenty-six: Poetic Musings on Depression

Note: I have been inundated with life lately but wanted to post something related to depression to help move this series along. To that end, the following are three poems I have written at various points along this journey. They are meant to convey some of what depression feels like from the inside. They are quite dark, so if you are easily disturbed or triggered, please be cautious about reading. 

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Into Black

The darkness steals over me again
And I feel quiet in its clutches
Despair washes through my brain

Day Twenty-five: A Cord of Three Strands

Note: After having had several days of struggling to write something and posting stuff that's not part of the story itself, I am returning to the story of my journey in this entry. Just to clarify, this part takes place in September of 2013. To read the rest of the story, click here for Day One or on the 31 Days tab above to access the index for this series.

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It is September and the temperature has dropped a few degrees. The nights are cooler and the air drier even if the daytime still feels too warm for fall. The trees have begun their slow transition from greens to golds, reds, oranges, and browns and fall flavoured treats are everywhere. It has been a month since that first meeting with Pendragon in his new office and we have met every week without fail. Unlike when he was at Green Tree, we are able to meet for longer than an hour if necessary and lately, the extra time has been very much needed indeed.

Day Fifteen: Poetry, Music, and Yummies!

Given the intensity of my story and the fact that I've been working on it almost non-stop for two weeks, I've decided to take a break from it for today. Instead, I wanted to share three things with you that are personal but not related to depression. Hope you enjoy!