Introducing: 31 Reflections on Mental Health and Illness

 

The background of this is images from a special box I made during a period of intensive outpatient therapy. The many images are reflective of who I am, things I like, and goals I set for myself during that time.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” 

– Ferris Bueller

Indeed, life does move fast and it hardly seems like two years have passed since I did my first Write 31Days series. I remember being rather daunted by the prospect of writing every single day on a single topic, but felt like God was pushing me to both write and to write about my struggles with mental illness. That series was called 31 Days of Stumbling ThroughDepression and it was about my struggles with a particularly difficult episode of depression. Had I known then what I know now, I would have titled it a bit differently and changed the word “depression” to either “PTSD” or “mental illness.”

At the end of that series, I had intended to keep writing my story, but discovered that I needed a break from it. Instead, I started writing other things about faith, family, and life in general. The thing is though, that try as I might, I couldn't get away from the subject of mental health or my personal struggles. I took a pretty long break from writing a lot about it, but eventually, with a mention of something here or a post on a subject there, I kept writing about it in a roundabout sort of way. My posts have been sporadic at best and not really much of a story, except for the fact that much of the things I've written have been pieces of my story.

I thought that I wanted to continue where I left off two years ago with this year's series, but after much discernment and looking at this year's Five Minute Friday Free Write prompts for 31 Days, I decided to go in a different direction. Part of my discernment about this included the fact that, as in the last two years, I have a lot on my plate with staying on top of my mental health, family life, and helping organise our local Out of the Darkness Community Walk for Suicide Prevention.

To that end, instead of continuing my personal story, I am going to use this year's FMF prompts to do a series of reflections on mental health and illness. Each post will feature the day's prompt word and a brief reflection on a mental health or illness topic. Although I'm not going to really do these in five minutes or actually as a free write, I want to keep them fairly short and edit them as little as possible so as to keep with the spirit of Five Minute Friday. Although this won't exactly be a continuation of my story, I will be sharing pieces of it at times along the way as well as sharing things I've learned through my journey.

I hope that you will find these posts to be helpful and educational in some way. Please feel free to leave me comments and let me know if you found them helpful. I'd also love to know your thoughts on these topics too! Most of all, my prayer is that these posts will serve to bring light to the darkness and hope for those who may be struggling (or watching a loved one struggle) with mental illness. God bless you!

Five Minute Friday: Expect

It's Friday and that means it's time for the linkup at the Five Minute Friday blog! Since the last time I linked up with the FMF community, Kate has moved things from her personal blog to a new space that is totally dedicated to FMF. Go check it out! This week's prompt word is....

EXPECT

Friends, it is June. More to the point, it's almost the middle of June. I have been so inundated with the stuff of life lately that I just haven't had the time or mental energy to write in this blog. I don't know why I can't seem to make myself do it. I guess I've gotten out of the habit (not that it was such a firm habit to begin with!). I start posts and then don't finish them. I just looked and I literally have over 100 posts that are drafts. They're just sitting there, waiting for me to do something with them. I don't know what I'm expecting. It's not like they're going to finish themselves or edit themselves. Some of them aren't actually too bad.

Several months back we actually had this prompt word and I had a pretty decent post going with it. I had actually finished it, but it was long and seemed really disjointed to me, so onto the scrap heap it went! Looking back over it, I can see now where it can be cut and not lose meaning or impact. That's what I feel like I'm always chasing. I write so many words and so often, I'm scared of cutting things. I'm scared of just writing without editing too. I don't know what I expect the reaction of others to be to my verbose ramblings. Maybe they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe they'll think I talk too much. Maybe they'll think that I need to just stop writing altogether because I really really suck at it. These are the voices in my head that keep me from writing a lot of the time.

Even when I do write something that feels like it's pretty good, I wind up getting scared to publish it. I've felt this way from the beginnings of this blog and I don't know how to conquer these feelings. I don't know how to change this. I think it's because I expect my writing, my blog, and all of it to be as good and polished and lovely to look at as my fellow bloggers. The thing is, I don't really like polished and pretty all the time because it's not who I am. But polished and pretty gets people to read and to comment.

Baring your soul, talking about uncomfortable things like mental illness, and trying to write in such a way that causes people to think seems to be met with silence and indifference. It makes me wonder who is reading and if they care. Then I wonder why I care so much about that. I try not to care, but here I am, caring again. Here I am second guessing myself. Here I am wondering if when you finish reading this, you will forget this as soon as your eyes hit the last word. Here I am wondering if what I have to say about anything is worth sharing with the world. These thoughts and wonderings and fears are what keep me from writing. I don't want to expect anything of this, but I am only human and we human beings are messy, complicated, and complex that way.

I don't even know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me or if I should expect it to make sense. I just know that I feel compelled to return to this space and write. I just don't know if I ought to expect anyone to read it.

FMF: Sing

I didn't think I had anything to say about this week's prompt word, but suddenly the first sentence came to me and then I found that I couldn't stop writing. I love my Five Minute Friday community, but on those weeks when the inspiration does actually come, five minutes just isn't enough to convey everything that is in my heart. So without further ado, this week's prompt word:

 

SING

What do you do when you can't sing?
What do you do when your heart can't hear the song anymore?
What do you do when the song that once called you now hurts you with its words?
What do you do when your voice leaves you and the notes are replaced with tears?

The good Christian and Catholic answer would be that you keep singing.

But it's not that easy. It's just not.

It's not that easy when every time your eyes take in the words on the music sheet or hymnal and you feel a knot in your stomach, a lump forming in your throat, a quivering tremble in your normally steady voice, or a white hot anger spreading through your chest. Honestly, sometimes when your the song becomes too painful to sing, what you do is stop singing.

I know. I know. That's not what you're supposed to do. But it happens.

Can I tell you something? Despite whatever message shame and guilt are telling you, sometimes it's 100% okay to stop singing. God understands. He understands the pain and suffering we are enduring and that sometimes forcing ourselves to sing just exacerbates that pain. He's felt the same pain you are feeling -- whatever that may be. He gets it in a way that no one else can or ever will. It's because not only did He feel that ache in your heart when He was put to death for the sins of mankind, but He feels it now. He is with you in your pain. More to the point, when we are suffering, we are closest to His Sacred Heart.

So what do you do when you can't offer a song of praise or worship or even thanksgiving to God? What on earth do you do?

You offer up your sorrows instead. Offer every tear, every heartache, every moment of screaming and shaking anger, and every little bit of you that hurts. Offer that up to Him. You may be asking the question, "well, how do I do that?" The easiest thing to do is to make a conscious decision that whenever you feel all the things that steal your voice, that you will say to Him, "Jesus, I offer these to You." It doesn't have to be any kind of flowery or fancy sounding prayer. Just a humble offering in the midst of pain. Yes, that sounds easy and yes, it's hard to do. It can be especially hard to do if you are angry with Him.

So if you're angry at Him, what then? If that is what you are feeling and you can't bring yourself to offer anything to Him, just offer Him the promise that you won't run away. You can rage. You can rail. You can scream. You can tell Him exactly how you feel and use all the swear words in your vocabulary. All of the above are acceptable because He can take it. Just offer Him the promise that no matter how angry you get, you will keep coming back to Him. That means that you'll continue to do at least the bare bones basics of faith so as not to let the relationship die. Things might be distant for a while and you might be tempted to turn away, but keep turning back to Him. Sing Him the song of your promise to be obedient and faithful even amidst your anger.

I know that if you are hurting -- no matter the reason -- that you may be screaming at your computer screen right now and telling me in no uncertain terms that I'm bonkers or that I don't get it. You may be crying as you read this because you think that there's no way that you'll ever sing again. You may be in such great pain that you are praying that He will mercifully take you from this life. You may have reached a point where you are no longer concerned with singing any song because you are thinking of ending your life yourself. 

I know absolutely all of these pains. I know the anger, the rage, the heartbreak, the deep ache of wanting the pain to stop, the praying that God would take my life, the thoughts of suicide so dark that I couldn't see my way into the next hour, much less tomorrow. I know all of these things so well, my friend. I get it on a deep level.

Actually, I get it right now. I've had a week when the heavy dark cloud has been hanging over me and I just couldn't shake it. This evening, in fact, I felt so overwhelmed by it that I lost my ability to care that I was in the floor, shaking with sobs, and my eldest daughter was watching it all. It was horrible. It's still not so great. My classically trained soprano voice hasn't sung at all this week.

To be honest, I've not regularly sung His praises in the way that I normally love to do, for almost three years. So what have I done? I've continued in obedience and done the bare bones. I've gone to Mass each week and on holy days. I've prayed the blessing over meals. I've prayed bedtime prayers with my children and husband. I've wept so many tears that they would likely fill a rather large vat by this point and many of them as I've been on my knees before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I've screamed at Him (yes, with profanities on occasion) and told Him how angry I am and that I felt abandoned by Him when I needed Him most. I have, in my own disjointed and imperfect way, tried to continue on in faith and obedience even when I didn't feel anything and even when I didn't want to anymore.

My efforts to that end haven't been fruitless, but I have needed an abundance of help from my spiritual director, Fr. B. and the graces of the sacraments of Reconciliation (confession), Anointing of the Sick, and the Eucharist. Those meetings with Fr. B and the graces I've received through frequent reception of the sacraments have been like a healing balm that works slowly, but steadily. I can't say that my song has returned in full, but I am finding moments when the words and music fill me up with more than pain. I still don't sing as much as I once did, but my voice is returning in fits and starts.

So if you can't sing and it hurts too much, know that you are not alone. He is with you even in your pain and anger and silence. May Christ who knows your pain and hears your silent anguished song abide with you until you can sing again.

*********

If you find yourself at that place where you are thinking of suicide, please reach out to someone. If you need it, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or if you'd rather text to someone, text the word HOME to 741741 and the Crisis Text line will text you back.

FMF: Empty

It's been a while since I've written in this blog in part because we've had a lot going on within our family life of late. I really want to get back into the habit of writing on a regular basis, so with that in mind, here's my contribution to this week's linkup at the Five Minute Friday community. This week's word prompt is EMPTY. Given that we've just been through Holy Week, I've been thinking and meditating on Christ's last week on earth and more particularly, on His death and resurrection. This prompt definitely pointed toward all these meditations for me, so that was the inspiration for this. I hope you find something in it to edify and encourage you. Happy Easter!

EMPTY

I have heard quite a few people ask the question of Catholics, “why do you keep Jesus nailed to the cross?” It's a good question. Most non-Catholic Christian churches do not have a cross with Jesus nailed to it. Their crosses are empty. Having grown up Baptist, I was always told that the reason the cross was empty was because He had overcome death. So if the empty cross is a symbol for Jesus having overcome death, then why do Catholics display and wear a crucifix?

There are a number of reasons for this, but the biggest of these is that having Jesus on the cross in front of our eyes makes it so that every time we see it, we are reminded of His great love for us – that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. You see, it is death that we see when we look at a crucifix. It is an agonising, brutal, vicious, torturous death. It is also a beautiful death. That may sound strange, but think of it this way: not only did His death bring about redemption and the possibility of salvation for all of mankind, but He bore that death with the full knowledge that there would be those who would reject His love. When Catholics look at a crucifix, we are moved both by the agony of it and the beauty of it, because we see Him at His most loving.

One of the other things that a crucifix encourages us to do every time we look at it is to persevere as we carry our own crosses. It also encourages us that He is with us in that journey because He has been there and He knows the pain of carrying a cross. He knows it more perfectly and more fully than we will ever begin to fathom. So when we gaze upon the crucified form of Jesus on a cross, we can draw great strength from being reminded that He is with us, helping us to carry the crosses of life.

Finally, there is one Truth that we are reminded of every time we gaze upon a crucifix and that is this: there is no way to heaven but through the cross. To reach heaven, we must go through the cross. We can't go around it. We can't avoid it. We can't ignore it and pretend that it isn't there or that we don't need it. We need to embrace the crucified Christ because His love for us in that moment is what enables us to reach heaven.   

Without the crucifixion, there can be no resurrection and the resurrection – the empty tomb, not the empty cross – is the ultimate symbol of victory over death. That empty tomb is a promise that one day our own tombs will be empty because we will be raised up, our bodies made perfect because of Christ's death and resurrection, and we will be with Him for eternity, enjoying the beatific vision of God the Father.

So we keep Jesus on the cross – not because we are consumed with His death – but rather because seeing Him there is an unavoidable and constant reminder of just how much we are worth to God. When the world tells you that you are worthless or you feel like God doesn't love you or doesn't care about you, I encourage you to go look at a crucifix and meditate on what you see before you.

That, my friends, is the message of the crucifix. The crucifix in all its brutality with Jesus hanging upon the cross is a message of great love and of great hope. We know when we see it that this isn't the end of the story and so the crucifix points us toward the empty tomb and the resurrection. It gives us hope that our own crosses are not the end of our stories. It gives us hope that with His help, we can persevere to the end, having run the race to its completion and having obtained the prize of eternal life.

Five Minute Friday: Slow

Hey friends! It's been a while since I joined in with the folks at Five Minute Friday. If you're just joining me, know that this is a little longer than the average FMF post and that's because I don't set a timer. Yes, I know, I know. That's supposed to be the point, but I just can't do it that way. So I kinda do it my way. If you're a fast to moderately fast reader though, this should take you five minutes or so to read (so there's your five minutes). If you'd like to join up with this week's posts on the prompt word SLOW, then hop over to this week's prompt at Kate's blog and click on the linkup at the bottom of the page. Without further ado...

SLOW

It's been almost two months since the last time I posted here and I wish I could say that it's because life has been moving really fast or that I've just been so busy that I didn't have time to write, but I can't say that. Life has been, as it happens, pretty slow. The very beginning of the year, from just after New Year's to about mid-March, tends to be a wonderfully slow time of year that follows on the heels of the whirlwind of activity that comprises daily life and the many family and faith celebrations from September to December.

And friends, let me tell you, I need slow.

I have always been a fan of this time of respite and slowed down activity, but this year, it took on a new meaning for me. I didn't really realise it until this past Thursday when I was sitting in Dr. D's office and we were wrapping up our session. It had been a pretty intense session of EMDR and talking and my emotions were pretty close to the surface. I don't recall the exact thread of conversation, but somewhere in the midst of our normal wrap up talk, he commented that he thought I was on the right track with what we were working on. I agreed with him and replied that although I knew it was, it was still hard. He said "Oh yes, I know it is. I think though, part of the reason it's hard is because it feels like your progress is coming so slowly right now, but once we get through processing a lot of these memories, you'll notice that your progress speeds up and goes much faster."

You see, through the past four years I've been wishing for fast. I've been craving for time and progress and everything to just speed up and get me through this pain I feel. It hurts a lot when you're going through severe suicidal depression and PTSD. You feel like it's a nightmare that will never end and because it's so painful and so exhausting, you yearn for the passage of time (and all the normal thing that come along with it, like therapy sessions and tears and the like) to speed up so you just don't have to feel it anymore. Slow is the last thing you want and yet, time moves along like a turtle in a swimming pool of molasses.

What struck me about what Dr. D said on Thursday is that I knew the moment he said it that it was true and that I had already experienced that. Back in November, we took a pretty significant break from doing EMDR (a traumatic memory processing technique) because of the fact that I had experienced a very intense trigger around that time that needed to be worked through. Trying to work through traumatic memories on top of dealing with intense triggers can be far too much all at once, so we stopped the EMDR and to focus on helping me cope with the intense trigger. What I noticed during this break of about 2 to 2.5 months was that my progress did, in fact, speed up. I had more energy, more ability to handle day to day stresses, lessened irritability, and my sleep wasn't nearly as fraught with nightmares as it had been.

At some point in January, once the holidays had passed and things were calmer, we started doing EMDR again. Some of the things I'd seen improve stayed, while others slowed, and still others came to a halt altogether. I found myself wishing that it would speed up again and stop with all the slow movement. I got very frustrated, but kept pressing on despite it. The more frustrated I got though, the slower it seemed to go because I was avoiding some of the things I needed to do for myself to keep moving forward. I wasn't really facing the demons of my traumas and looking them full in the face. I was only really doing the bare minimum because I wanted to get to the part where things speed up again.

When Dr. D mentioned the bit about "processing a lot of these memories" I realised that I not only had experienced this, but that the slowing down that was happening was a natural part of the process. I also realised that until the last couple of weeks, I hadn't been fully embracing that slowness or the process. I can't say what changed and made it so that I began to embrace it again, but in that moment last Thursday, I realised something very fundamental about my healing journey: I need slow.

I need these times of slowness and intense therapy where I look at these things under a microscope and plunge deep into these memories. I need these times when I am pushing forward through molasses and sobbing uncontrollably as I face the traumas of my past anew. I need the slowness of these times to allow me to really find and untangle the threads which are binding my mind in a feedback loop of reliving these memories because that is painstaking, complicated work that requires patience, determination, a great deal of help from others, and a very slow perseverance. I need the slowness of only being able to do the basics of self care and resting a lot so that I don't get overloaded. I need to feel the intensity of the emotions that surface so I can learn how to cope with them and better manage them. I need slow.

So things are slow right now. Things are really intense too. The stuff my brain has been dredging up the last couple of weeks has been so intense that I've felt weak physically and needed a boost of caffeine and food immediately afterward just to be able to drive safely. It's also needed a lot of unpacking after processing, so my sessions with Dr. D have run longer and I've been seeing Pendragon at least twice a week and almost immediately after I see Dr. D each week. You'd think that it would be therapy overload and sometimes it's pretty intense too, but it's keeping me on a more even keel than I think I would be if I didn't have that extra help. The great thing about having these two professionals helping me is that they both have different perspectives and help me find different threads of connection and understanding that I might not be able to find without them. Gray helps too. We often do a little debrief when I come home and very often, things come up that later get addressed with EMDR or in talking with Pendragon or Dr. D.

With all that intensity and slowness, I know I will be glad for a time when we break from things so that progress speeds and breathing is easier, but knowing that this slowness is part of the process and that it is moving me forward is helpful. As much as this slowness is hard, it is forcing me to look at these traumatic memories full on and really feel the impact of them in a way that allows me to understand them and move past them instead of repressing them or hiding from them.

It's very hard work and it's very painful and there are days, like yesterday, when the pain is so fierce that I want everything to end -- but I know that slow doesn't have to mean running away and death by suicide. I know that all this pain and agony as I face this stuff in the slow is shaping me into a better person who is stronger, braver, and better equipped to do the work that He has planned for me as a wife, mother, mental health/suicide prevention advocate, and child of God.

The mountain is steep and the climb arduous, breath-stealing, excruciatingly painful, and interminably slow, but I know the vista that awaits me at the top will be worth it all the more for the journey.

Day Two: First

When life comes along with a challenge or a task which seems complicated or overwhelming, many people ask the question, "What do we do first?" It's the natural human way of approaching something that has lots of pieces, parts, steps, or that seems difficult to understand or navigate. First steps are important to get right because they can often determine the course of things or the order of any steps which come after it. They may even determine the outcome of a particular endeavour.

When you realise or someone else realises that you are experiencing symptoms of what may be a mental illness, it is the perfect question to ask. There are a few different first steps that can be taken when this is the case:

1. Make an appointment with your regular doctor. 

At this appointment, talk to him or her about your concerns and your symptoms. As your regular doctor knows your medical history, he can use that to determine if perhaps your symptoms are related to an issue you already have and if so, what the appropriate action is. He may order blood or imaging tests to rule out certain physical illnesses which may have symptoms that are the same as what you are experiencing. He may prescribe medication or change a medication that you already take. He may also go ahead and refer you to a psychiatrist and/or therapist.

2. You can make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist.

If you have many symptoms that seem to fit a particular mental illness and you are reasonably sure you aren't physically ill, you may choose to do this as your first step. Like meeting with your doctor, a psychiatrist or therapist can help you understand if you do have a diagnosable mental illness that needs therapy or medications. If you do not have a diagnosable mental illness, a therapist or psychiatrist can still help you in dealing with the symptoms or particular challenges of whatever is actually going on which is causing the symptoms -- including if it's caused by a physical illness of some kind.

3. If you realise you are having symptoms of a mental illness, but no one else around you has noticed, tell someone.

This is a hard first step, I know. It requires a lot of courage and some discernment too. It may be the very last thing you want to do, but it's critical if you want to get better. I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating, but it really is that vital. If you have a mental illness, you're going to need a strong support system outside of your doctor and/or therapist. You're going to want someone you can call or text or visit with who will listen, be there for you, and walk with you through it. Since not everyone is equipped to handle being that kind of support, that's where the discernment comes into play. You want to choose someone who you trust and who you know you can count on when things get hard. Ideally, this should be someone who is close enough to where you live that you can be around them in person, but it doesn't have to be. Even better would be for you to have more than one person you can talk to about things, so that if one person is unable to be there in a given moment, you've got other people you can turn to when things go pear-shaped.

4. If you don't have anyone you can tell how about your symptoms, try calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) and talk to someone there. 

You don't have to be suicidal to call them. They are trained to listen and can offer a way of venting your feelings if you have no one you can turn to in your day to day life. They can also provide you with resources to find help in your area if you don't know where to start looking. I keep this number in my phone for myself for those times when I know that my support people are either tapped out emotionally or physically or when they're unavailable for some reason (like being out of contact because of vacation or limited access to phone or the internet). I have called a few times as well when I had my normal supports available, but was struggling to reach out to them like I normally would. The Lifeline is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with mental health issues and for those who are part of their support team.

Just as there are positive first steps you can take as you start a particular task, there are ones that, if taken, will make your task all the harder. With that in mind, here are three "first steps" to avoid:

1. Staying silent and trying to go it alone. -- Silence helps no one, least of all, you. If you're dealing with a mental illness, going it alone and trying to muscle your way through it in silence will only work for so long. Ask me how I know this.

2. Freaking out and doing nothing. -- This is a hard one to avoid because it's a very common reaction when you're dealing with something that is as overwhelming as the symptoms of mental illness can be. Also, no one really wants to have a mental illness, so freaking out is pretty normal. Just don't let it stop you completely.

3. Ignoring the symptoms in the hope that they will go away. -- If you have a diagnosable mental illness and you do this, I can guarantee you that it won't work and it will only make things worse. It won't help if your symptoms are the result of a physical illness either. Trust me. Ignoring things and trying to distract yourself from what you're feeling may work temporarily, but in the long run, you'll need some help from professionals in one way or another.

If you follow the first steps mentioned above (and avoid those other first steps), you will be glad you did. It's a pretty tired old adage, but it's true when people say that the first step is the hardest. It is. That first step takes immense courage and when you're already feeling so vulnerable, that can be even harder. Know this though: you CAN do it. You can! I believe in you! Go forth and conquer that first step! Once you've done it, you'll be on the path and then, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step at a time.

Day One: Season

As summer slowly fades into autumn, the time of the year that I call The Season of Celebrations begins for our family. In the next three months, we have the following:

• Five birthdays
• Our wedding anniversary
• Four major holidays
• Three Holy Days of Obligation
• Four name and/or patron saint feast days
• Two additional saint feast days plus one of the many feasts celebrating Our Lord
• Advent and the beginning of the Catholic New Year
• Choir concerts at school
• Class Christmas parties
• Family coming to visit

And all these are just extras on top the normal day to day things of life like chores, paying bills, cooking meals, parenting responsibilities, grocery shopping, school, work, and church. I often joke that at I take a really big breath somewhere around mid-September and don't exhale until January 2nd. It certainly feels like things move crazy fast and there's just not enough time for anything during this season of the year. I think the fact that the days get shorter and darker earlier makes it feel even faster than it already would.

Another thing that makes this season seem to rush by is that I'm personally going through a difficult season of life as I struggle with PTSD and depression. This season has been ongoing for just shy of four years now. It has its own challenges because it adds to the frenetic pace of this season. Part of this is because I have been engaged in quite a lot of therapy and other supports to try to find some healing from this. Each week, I see my therapist twice by myself and once with Gray for marital therapy, my psychologist for EMDR and other help with PTSD (his area of expertise), and my spiritual director for prayer and spiritual counsel. I also have a special holy hour each week after my meeting with Fr. B. All of these things help me stay on a more even keel emotionally, but they not only take time to do, but I spend quite a bit of time in the car going from one appointment to another and back home again.

To be honest, I'm dreading the upcoming fall season of celebrations because I'm feeling tired and less than able to manage it all, but I don't have much choice. Guess I need to talk to Pendragon about ways to lessen my stress and help me get through this special season of the year. This is a strategy that I often employ when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life -- make a note of it and make it a priority to bring up in my individual or our marital therapy sessions. Pendragon always has good ideas and often is able to help me find a balance. I highly recommend that if you struggle with a mental illness, talk to your therapist or doctor about ways you can better manage the more stressful seasons of your life -- be they the end of the year holidays or other times of the year.

My prayer for this upcoming Season of Celebrations is that it is one that is full of joy and goes much more smoothly than I am anticipating!

31 Days of Forgotten Fridays

This year instead of trying to come up with something super original for Write 31 Days, I decided to go back to Fridays. Five Minute Fridays, that is. Because of life interruptions, sickness, family issues, and difficulties getting my writing mojo flowing, there have been quite a number of Five Minute Friday prompts that I've not written on or linked up in the past year. There were some of these prompts that I had ideas for but just couldn't manage to get anything written before the next week and the next prompt rolled around. There were other prompts that nailed me between the eyes so hard due to their appropriateness for my life at that time that I found it impossible to write something based on them. There were still other prompts that I just totally didn't even see the first time around because I was so inundated with dealing with life that I completely forgot about looking for the prompt and writing on it.

Because I'm going through quite a lot of late and don't have a lot of mental capacity to write much of anything (just check the gaps in the dates on this blog), I decided to try and use this month to focus on getting myself back into a habit of writing more often. To that end, I made a list of these "forgotten" Five Minute Friday prompts and decided to use those as a jumping off point for my Write 31 Days series this year. As of the writing of this, I am four days into October and haven't yet written any of the days, but I'm going to do my best to get caught up and have the first five days up and published by tomorrow (which is October 5th). 

Those of you who know me from the Five Minute Friday community will already know this, but if you're new to my blog, you should know that I'm a FMF slacker. I don't exactly set a timer and only write for five minutes. I don't always write and publish without editing. I have tried to do things by the rules, but have wound up with tons of anxiety and self-doubt about everything I've written. For my own mental health, I decided to do it my way. I write whatever I want on the prompt and take however long it takes me to write it. I know that means it's not technically a "five minute" Friday, but I don't think anyone minds too much.

I guess that's it for now. I hope you enjoy this little jaunt through 31 Days of Forgotten Fridays!

P. S. I'm hoping to be able to kind of tie all the posts together with a common theme, but if that proves too difficult, I may just write whatever I'm inspired to write.

Five Minute Friday: Five

It's been a while since I've linked up with my friends in the Five Minute Friday community, but for the first time in some weeks, I actually had a decent idea for the prompt. Granted, the idea came to me as I was falling asleep last night, but I managed to remember it, so here it is! 

FIVE

Five Things I Love About Fall

As of this past Thursday, it is officially fall. Where I live, the first day of fall never quite feels like fall, so it's hard to get into the fall state of mind. Even after the official first day of fall, the temps remain summer like in the 90s during the day and dropping into the upper 70s at night. The trees are still mostly clad in green and short sleeves and shorts still abound everywhere you look. That said last Friday night, I saw a graphic from a local meteorologist on Twitter with the comment that after Sunday, we would get to say goodbye to the 90s! The graphic showed the highs and lows for the next week or so and I nearly squealed when I saw that the last day on it had a low of 56! Huzzah! As it is Thursday again today, I can say that it's officially FALL!!! The temps the past few days have been AMAZING! Today was absolutely gloriously gorgeous with clear sunny skies and temperatures that didn't get above about 75. With the advent of these fabulous temperatures, it brings to mind all the many things that I love about this time of year, so without further ado, here are FIVE things I love about fall!

1. Fall leaves - I've loved gazing at fall foliage since I was a young girl. There's something so lovely and magical about how the leaves turn from the greens of summer to the sunny yellows, subdued browns, bright oranges, and flaming reds of autumn. My mother used to say that the trees were exchanging their summer dresses for fall ones. As a girl, I loved to imagine the trees standing front of a mirror trying on their new colours before deciding what to "wear."

2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes - Nowadays, there's pumpkin spice everything. You can walk through the aisles of your local grocery stores and find cookies, cream cheese, cereals, breads, ice cream, cakes, air fresheners, soaps, and even deodorant! The thing that I think started it all is the Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte. The popularity of the PSL is so big these days that it's almost a little bit uncool to say that you like them, but I'm not ashamed. I LOVE a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks! There's something about them that never fails to help reduce my stress levels and make me feel calm. 

3. Soups and Stews -- I am very happy to eat a bowl of soup or stew or chowder any time of the year, but there's nothing quite like a steaming bowl of soup on a chilly fall day that makes you feel good inside. Some soups and stews -- like chili or creamy butternut squash -- are the kind of thing that just begs to be made and eaten when the mercury starts dropping and I am all too happy to oblige. In fact, as far as chili goes, I am chomping at the bit for things to get cold enough to make it because it just doesn't seem nearly as good when the weather is warmer as it does on a crisp fall night.

4. Snuggly Blankets -- Where we live in the south, summers are spent with ceiling fans whirring and lightweight sheets and covers when you sleep, but I really look forward to when it cools off so I can break out my fuzzy, snuggly blankets. I love to sit on the couch on a cool morning, watching TV with my first cup of coffee with a big fuzzy blanket draped across my lap. One of my favourite memories made in the last four years is snuggling with my youngest, GB, sharing one of those blankets while she watches Daniel Tiger and I drink my coffee. I'm not really a big fan of mornings, but when she snuggles up to me like that, it makes everything -- including the fuzzy blanket we share -- that much better. 

5. More Energy, Less Sweat -- One of the things that I like least about summer is the fact that the heat and humidity do more than just make me uncomfortable and frizzy haired. They are so oppressive at times that they drain my energy to the point that I just don't feel like doing much of anything. The heat of the summer also means that I wind up sweating a lot more than normal which also contributes to the lack of energy. When the temperatures finally cool off, I often find that I suddenly feel like I have a burst of energy that I didn't have before. My favourite thing is when I step outside for the first time after things cool off and can really feel the difference in the air temp, it's like someone has hit me with a little bit of sugar to my blood stream. It's not what I'd call invigorating, but it definitely energises me. I love being able to sleep more comfortably and without waking up feeling slightly sweaty. It's bliss! 

Bonus Thing I Love About Fall: My beloved patron saint, Pope St. John Paul II, has his feast day during the fall on October 22nd! I can't wait to celebrate his feast day in a few weeks!

What are you favourite things about fall? Tell me about them in the comments!

Five Minute Friday: Rest

It's been a while, but here I am again, joining in with the Five Minute Friday community at Kate Motaung's blog, Heading Home. If you're interested in seeing what this is all about, just click here for the details. If you'd like to check out this week's prompt word and the posts from the rest of the community over at Kate's, click here. The link up is at the bottom of the page just below Kate's contribution to this week's prompt word.......

REST

I haven't been writing much in this blog over the last couple of months and the biggest reason is that I needed some rest. It sounds a bit silly to say it like that because, if anything, the last couple of months have been less than restful. They've been arduous, restless, painful at times, busy, and even joyous too.

So where is the rest?

It's certainly not in my bed. Insomnia is my ever constant companion and seems to pull at me no matter how physically exhausted I may be. I do get some sleep, but it's not enough and the nightmares that have plagued me for so long continue largely unabated.

The rest I've been seeking has been found in simplifying my daily routine as much as possible so as to eliminate stresses. I've been purposefully taking breaks from social media at times. I've taught myself to avoid reading about topics that add to my stress levels -- like politics, harrowing stories of violence, etc. I'll admit that I'm not totally good at that, but I've been really trying because it helps. As much as I enjoy writing in this blog, I was starting to feel a bit of pressure to write here and that was adding to my stress. So I let it go. I've written a couple of brief update posts just to let people know that I'm still alive and kicking, but other than that, I've not really written much at all.

When I started blogging and making my blog public, I worried about how many comments I got and what people thought and how many hits there were, but all of that changed last fall. Last September 29th, I almost killed myself. I had a night when I plunged as deep as I've ever been in a long time. The darkness hit me so fast and so heavy that I might have been a stone cast into a lake that is sinking fast. An almost three hour appointment with Pendragon slowed my descent somewhat, but not enough. It took another three and a half hours on the phone with my brother Chez to halt things and start bringing me back up to the surface. It was another three days before I was breathing more easily again.

The whole experience jolted something within me and caused me to realise that I had narrowly escaped death. It made me reassess the important things and overhaul my day to day life so that it was more focused on self-care, survival, and recovery from this episode of depression. I stopped worrying about hits and comments. I started doing everything I could to minimize stress. Admittedly, when you've been living your life for a long time in a certain way, it's hard to make those changes, but I knew I had it to do if I didn't want another night like that one.

I tried to keep blogging at a rate of one post or two per week, but it was much harder than I wanted it to be and often, the inspiration just didn't come. When a week or two would go by, I felt guilty about not doing better at it. Guilt is not a friend to recovery from depression. In fact, it makes things worse because it feeds the cycle of self-recrimination that many people with depression tend to fall into where they beat themselves up for not being good enough or being worthless. I fell into that over and over again when it came to this blog. I kept telling myself that I just wasn't good enough and no one cared about anything I was writing. It certainly felt that way to me. Then I'd let it go for a while and feel guilty about not writing. I tried writing devotions on the Psalms, but after about 18 days of doing that, I couldn't keep it up. I had no energy for it and despite the fact that I had committed to God that I would do it, I just couldn't make myself. I'm still feeling bad about that, to be honest.

So after several months of fighting within myself about the blog, I let it go.

I decided to take a rest from it.

In the past couple of months, I've had some inspirations, but nothing that really prodded me to write. Lately though I've been working on a couple of things. One of these is a post about my trip to New York City which was three weeks ago. That's been a harder one than I expected to write because I want to tell every little detail, but I'm afraid that anyone who reads here might decide that it's too long or that he needs a rest in the middle. Editing myself, if you can't tell, is not my strong suit.

So I've been trying to rest from writing for a bit. I've needed it. PTSD is a hard illness to deal with and having a diagnosis and going through specific treatment for it is harder still. It is, to steal a phrase from the British, rather a lot to be getting on with. I would like to say that I'm back, but I know the reality is that for a while yet, I'm going to need to rest as much as I can. At best, I can say that I'll be sporadic, but I'll try to write whenever the inspiration strikes.

For now though, it's time to end this post and rest.

Five Minute Friday: Whole

It's been a few weeks since I've joined up with the Five Minute Friday community, so if this gets a little rambly, y'all bear with me, okay? I'm a bit out of practice. If you'd like to join and write something on this week's prompt word, head over to Kate's blog Heading Home and link up at the bottom of this week's post.

Whole

There are so many things I could write about with this word, but I think I'm just going to kind of ramble and pray that it all kinda melds together into one coherent thought. The first thing I thought about when I saw the prompt word is that I haven't felt whole in a long time. I think the last time I felt really, truly whole was when I was pregnant with our eldest daughter, M2. We'd been married for about six months when she was conceived and I was overjoyed at the prospect of becoming a mother for the first time. Everything seemed right in my world, in my life, and within myself. I was happy and healthy -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I have struggled for most of my life with feeling broken. I've been broken because of bullying, low self-esteem, a lifetime of obesity, emotional abuse, mental illness (my own and that of close family), self-injury, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and spiritual wounds. When I met Gray and our friendship began, I was on my journey to the Catholic Church. As I went along that path, I began to see those spiritual wounds being healed and in Gray, I found a kind of love and acceptance that was a balm to many of my emotional hurts and scars. When we married, I felt a sense of wholeness that I hadn't ever thought possible -- and yet, there remained pieces of me that were broken, although I didn't see it at the time.

Those broken pieces have sharp, jagged edges that continue to cut me apart and tear at my desires to be truly whole. Despite my journey to Catholicism, I've had some of those old spiritual wound scars be reopened in the last three years by circumstances and situations out of my control. Thankfully, Fr. B, my spiritual director, has been helping me -- slowly though it seems to go -- to get at the deeper roots of those spiritual wounds so that I can find not just healing for the superficial tears in my spirit, but a deeper spiritual wholeness.

Emotionally, I am definitely a long way from whole. I've struggled mightily with this task that I felt the Holy Spirit set before me to read and meditate on the Psalms each day and write about it in this blog. Some of that is due to spiritual healing that still needs to take place, but a lot of it is that my brain and body are so tired from fighting depression constantly for the last three years that I have many days that I do good to just be awake and vertical instead of in bed.

I want to be whole again. I want to enjoy my life again. I want to have hope that I can be whole someday. Right now it's not all darkness, but what light I see at the end of the tunnel is a tiny pinprick that is so far away that I cannot fathom the distance. It might as well not be there at all as far away as it is. But that tiny pinprick is what keeps me alive. When I can see it, I can think of the possibility of wholeness. When I can't, then I can't see wholeness for anyone and all seems lost. So I focus on that pinprick of light and keep following my big brother Chez's advice to put one foot in front of the other.

Maybe one day, I'll step out of this dark tunnel and emerge through that pinprick into the light of wholeness. With my luck, that won't be in this life, but will only happen once I've shuffled off this mortal coil. I suppose there is actually truth in that statement. I mean as humans, we're all broken by sin and our broken and sinful world. We may do our best to rid ourselves of sin, but we still fall victim to the sins of others and the messed up way the world works because of the effects of original sin. The only cure for the messiness of our sin sick world and its effects on all of us is Jesus. He is with us, of course, via the Holy Spirit and in the Eucharist, but I don't think this world will get much better until He comes again. So maybe wholeness in this life is something to be sought after, but not to be received until He comes again.

I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I just know what my heart yearns for -- to be fully and completely whole in Him.

Five Minute Friday: Share

I'm linking up with the Five Minute Friday community again today to spend time writing on this week's prompt: SHARE. If you'd like to join the party, come on over to Kate's blog and link up with the rest of the community! Just click here to find today's post and scroll to the bottom to link up your own musings on today's prompt. Without further ado, here are my thoughts on....

SHARE

Some people probably wonder why I share so openly on this blog. In part, it's because I've always loved to share. I was always the girl who happily shared things with others when she was little. I would share my food, share my toys, and share my love through hugs, kisses, and kind words. As I grew older, I learned in some ways to be more selfish. I suppose that's part of growing up in this fallen world, although I'm ashamed to admit that I don't share as readily as I did when I was a child.

I'll admit that I don't share chocolate very easily. I find it very difficult to share my trust. I struggle with sharing my story at times because it's really hard and takes a lot of strength and courage to do so when the story is dark and difficult. I was reminded last night though of why I love sharing. It does something to me inside that I find difficult to put into words.

Yesterday was my 40th birthday and it was a really great day by all accounts. I think part of why it was such a great day is that I did a lot of sharing. I shared some time with an old friend and her daughter over coffee and cake pops at Starbucks and then as we meandered through Target together. I shared my popcorn (from Target) with my youngest daughter for an afternoon snack. I shared my discoveries about my family history and ancestry with my mother in law. I shared the remaining cake pop with all three of my girlies.

I shared birthday dinner with my family -- including a gigantic dish of fried ice cream that was brought out to celebrate my birthday (complete with 5 spoons to facilitate sharing). * As we sat there eating spoonfuls of frosted flake covered vanilla ice cream drenched in chocolate and strawberry syrups and mountains of whipped cream, I reflected on how much I enjoy sharing with them. There is something sweet about sharing moments of joy and a delicious dessert with those I love. I think it's beccause amidst the sharing of tasty treats and time spent together, underneath it all, what we're really sharing -- is love.

And isn't that what sharing is all about? When we share with others - be it joy, time, clothes, toys, or even sorrows -- what we're really doing is showing love. I think that's why sharing appeals to me so much. It's a chance to love on people and that is something that I've always enjoyed and believed that I'm called to do.

In the interest of sharing, I'll share this with you -- while I didn't write this in exactly five minutes, I did actually set a timer today! The little * above is where my timer went off! Until next time...

Five Minute Friday: Morning

It's been a while since I've linked up with my friends at Five Minute Friday, but today's prompt was such a good one that I knew I had to write something on it. I don't exactly do the whole "five minutes" part of it as I'm not good at writing under that kind of pressure, but I love the prompts and reading all the various things people write about. The community are a really great bunch of folks too! If you're interested, check out the link above for more information and to link up with this week's prompt, click here. This week's prompt is MORNING. The following is my take on that prompt in a free verse poetic sort of style.

I am waiting for morning.
Every night, I wait for a day that has yet to come.
It isn't dawn or sunlight or birds tweeting their birdsong
Which makes me wait and yearn.
It is what a new morning signifies.
Hope.
Oh Hope, you temptress you.
I look for morning
Because I am promised that you are found in her embrace.
When the light filters through the trees and illumines the world
I am told that you are to be found amidst that wondrous moment.
So I wait.
And I wait.
I wait for morning.

I am waiting for morning.
Every night, I wait for the scent of dewy grass and cooler breezes.
It isn't the air so pure with freshness or quiet stillness
Which makes me wait and yearn.
It is that I may find new purpose in the morning.
Purpose.
Oh Purpose, how you seduce my senses.
I look for morning
Because I am promised that you are found in her embrace.
When all the world has just awoken and nothing yet dares to stir,
I am told that you are to be found amidst that wondrous moment.
So I wait.
And I wait.
I wait for morning.

I am waiting for morning.
This night, this endless, dark night keeps me waiting.
It is the raging tumult of rain and storms, howling wind, and impenetrable darkness
Which keeps me waiting and yearning.
It is these that pull me into hopelessness and worthlessness in this horrible night.
Hopelessness.
Oh Hopelessness, how you tear me apart again and again.
I look for morning
But you blind my eyes and tell me that I will never find morning again.
Worthlessness.
Oh Worthlessness, how you inject your venom like a drug into my heart.
I look for morning
But you deafen my ears and tell me that I am not worthy of seeing morning again.
In this onslaught and torrent
I am buffeted about, as weak as a thin piece of paper.
I am doomed to the night.

Morning with all her promises does not come.
Night and all his terrors abound.
But there are voices in the howling wind.
Voices that I strain to hear.
Voices that urge me to keep waiting for morning.
I am weak, like paper.
I am tired of waiting.
I cannot wait any longer and the night is fast stealing my voice.

Then strong arms hold me fast in the night.
Compassionate and understanding ears hear my wails of exhaustion.
My head and hands are lovingly tended with prayers and oil.
The voices walk with me through the night.
So I wait.
And wait.
And keep waiting.
And although it is still night
And dawn seems unimaginable and impossible,
These supports give me the strength
To keep waiting for morning.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...(A Holiday Recap)

It's a new year and believe it or not, it's already the 13th of the month! Half of January is gone and I've been slacking. Well, not exactly slacking, just not really writing. Part of that is because of something that happened last week just after we returned home from visiting Gray's family for Christmas and New Year's. I'm working on a blog post about it, but it may be a few more days before it's ready. As I've been on my computer this evening, I actually ran across something on Pinterest that might evolve into a blog series. I'm going to noodle over it for a bit, read some more at the blog where I got the idea, and with any luck, something interesting will come out of it. I actually felt a little bit of excitement when I first saw it -- which is kinda rare for me these days. Who knows?

In other news, we had a pretty good Christmas as these things go. Made the two day drive to my in-laws house, stayed about 2 weeks (from just before Christmas until just after New Year's), and made the two day drive home -- and NO ONE got sick.

Y'all. That is so HUGE.

We have been married for 10 years now and in that amount of time, we have never been able to go to my in-laws house and have everyone well when we leave, well on the road, well while we're there, and well all the way home. The usual culprit is Miss AB (our middle girl). She gets kinda pukey sick and it has the potential to be very very bad. Put it this way, we've visited the local hospital near my in-laws house TWICE because she was vomiting and we couldn't get her to keep anything down. We've also had sickness spread through the family too. Last year (Christmas 2014) while we were there, Gray got sick twice and the second time around was bad enough that we had to stay an extra day so he'd be well enough to travel! This year, I made sure we all got flu shots well in advance of the trip and on the advice of my mother-in-law, picked up some Dramamine for AB on the off-chance that her sickness might be motion-induced. It worked!

The visit itself was pretty good. We enjoyed time with Gray's brother and his wife, Gray's sister, and the girls all had fun with their cousin E-beth. We also did a studio portrait session with the whole family and got some great prints of our immediate family, one of our three girls, and a couple of others. After the portrait session, I enjoyed some girl time with my two sisters-in-law.

Also discovered that I like spicy bourbon. My brother-in-law suggested that I try Evan Williams Fire as it's very smooth. It is delicious! I bought a fifth of it and enjoyed the entire bottle over the course of the two weeks, a finger or two at a time. The only bad thing is that I am pretty sure that it's not available in my state (we have strict limits on what can be sold w/regard to alcohol) and it's illegal according to state law to bring any alcohol across state lines. Oh well! Something to look forward to when I go back! Got to go to my favourite local fabric store with my mom-in-law and snagged some Doctor Who, Star Wars, and Star Trek fabric and something that made me think of Firefly as well. Geek fabric for the win! 

New Year's Eve was a quiet evening back at my in-laws' house. We basically watched the BBC America Doctor Who marathon all day long. The only break was when we five left to go to the local parish to attend the Vigil Mass for the Solemnity of Mary the Mother of God. It's a holy day of obligation (meaning you have to go to Mass) and you can either go on the day itself (January 1st) or the evening before at the Vigil Mass. Since we knew we were going to stay up late to ring in the new year, we elected to go the evening before. I'm kinda glad we did. It was very calm and quiet in the church and to be honest, my nerves were a little bit frazzled. The church was still decorated with all the beautiful candles, Christmas trees, and the Nativity scene and there was a sort of hush as we entered and settled ourselves into a pew. I can't say that I felt a deep sense of God's presence (although I know He was there), but there was a peacefulness about being there that I've missed. After Mass, we returned to Gray's folks' house and the Doctor Who marathon continued. Dinner was yummy pot roast with mashed potatoes, carrots, and broccoli which was very comforting on such a chilly night. The rest of the evening was spent drinking hard cider (and bourbon after midnight) and snacking on chips and dip and other yummies while watching Doctor Who. I spent part of it working on my final blog post for the year. When midnight rolled around, we had only our middle daughter AB who was still awake. After kisses and hugs to welcome the new year, everyone but Balinda and I went to bed. We enjoyed some more snacks and chatted while watching TV.

M2, AB, and I had a mommy-daughters date just before we left to come home. We hit the local mall, grabbed pretzels at Auntie Anne's, browsed and bought sale items at Bath & Body Works' semi-annual sale (LOTS of yummy scented hand soaps for cheap!), and enjoyed looking at all the fun stuff at Five Below. The girls had an impromptu lightsaber battle in the store while I looked at grown-up colouring books and funky magnets. In addition to all our smelly soaps, we came home with 2 colouring books for me, 1 each for the girls, and an Inside Out magnet for our ever growing magnet collection. That night as I began the task of packing to come home, Gray and his mom and I watched the special Sherlock episode "The Abominable Bride." SO good!

We got home a couple of days after New Year's and I think we were all glad to be back in our own beds and surrounded by the familiar things of home. Vacation is nice, but it's always good to get back to the regular routine of life too.

Hope you and your family had a good Christmas and New Year's! God bless you in 2016 and always!

Advent series update

This month has flown by like a blink and despite all my best laid plans to do a series of Advent meditations, I only managed to eke out a grand total of 4 posts. Funny enough, when I had the idea to do this series, I wondered if it wouldn't be better to just do posts for each Sunday of Advent. Then I reasoned that if I kept things short, I should be able to churn out a little something each day.

I failed to remember just how busy of a month December can be. I don't know why I forgot this. It's not as though I haven't been through several Decembers in my life. I think I was just feeling overly ambitious! Whatever the reason, I think this year I have learned my lesson! If I decide to write on Advent next year, I'll confine it to Sundays. Y'all hold me to it, okay?

Christmas is almost upon us and the time for preparation of our hearts is almost at an end. Until Friday, we light our candles and wait beside the still empty manger, breathless with anticipation of the arrival of the Word Made Flesh who comes to dwell with us until the end of the age.

Meditating on Advent - Day 4

I'm a little behind because yesterday (12/2/2015) was a struggle with energy. My brain was so tired that I was having difficulty following discussions in a Facebook group I help administrate and during a thoughtful discussion my hubby and I were having after we got the girls to bed. I was sluggish and tired all day and just couldn't get it together. Anyhow, here's my thoughts on yesterday's gospel!

Yesterday's Gospel: Matthew 15:29-37

Jesus summoned his disciples and said, "My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, for they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, for fear they may collapse on the way." The disciples said to him, "Where could we ever get enough bread in this deserted place to satisfy such a crowd?"(verse 32-33)

In this season of Advent where we are waiting and preparing for the birth of Jesus at Christmas, we may find ourselves wondering amidst all this preparation if we will really make it to Christmas. We may wonder if there is any way we'll get it all done or worry that we're rushing through Advent without adequately preparing our hearts or we may have so much to do and places to go that we wonder if we'll get to Christmas without losing our minds altogether!

Here's the message: even while we are waiting and preparing for celebrating His birth, He is here with us even now. He is here and He is providing what we need. We are so much like the disciples, I think. They had no hope that there was any way that all these people would be able to be fed given the sheer number, lack of supplies, and deserted location. What's wild is that they even asked Jesus such a question. Verses 29-31 of this passage from Matthew show Jesus healing people of all kinds of ills and deformities. In fact, verse 30 says "great crowds came to him" and that "he cured them." The disciples had witnessed all these miracles and yet, they lost hope when it came to food.

Isn't that SO like us humans? We see all kinds of amazing things, but when we get hungry or tired or hot or cold, or inundated with too much to do, we lose hope that God is able to provide for those needs. I love the phrase that Shakespeare uses to describe all the frustrations of our earthly existence as "the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to." It's so true though, isn't it? This mortal life isn't an easy one and because of the sinful fallen nature we inherited from Adam and Eve, we sometimes lose sight of the fact that God doesn't just do amazing and fireworks-worthy miracles like curing an incurably blind person or turning several gallons of water into the best wine. He works smaller miracles in our everyday lives like giving us an extra push of energy when we think we have none left so that we can do what needs to be done or providing a friend to spend time with when we are feeling lonely and low or finding a sale on something so that we can give our children Christmas presents and still buy groceries to feed the family.

So when you get frustrated during this season of waiting and preparing, remember the feeding of the four thousand here in Matthew. Remember that even as we wait, He is here and He provides.

Meditating on Advent -- Day 3

Today's Gospel: Luke 10:21-24

"Turning to the disciples in private, he said, 'Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I say to you, many prophets and kings desired to see what you see, but did not see it, and to hear what you hear, but did not hear it.' " (verses 23-24)

Have you ever had difficulty seeing or hearing something? I know for me, seeing things is sometimes very difficult because I am severely nearsighted and have an astigmatism in both eyes. It's not normally a big deal though because I have glasses which correct my vision so that I can see clearly. In fact, those glasses are such a big help that I really only take them off when I sleep or when I'm going to shower. Without them, everything is fuzzy -- even if I squint. I am incredibly grateful that my glasses give me eyes to see clearly.

Seeing clearly what God wants me to see is sometimes more difficult. Some things are obvious. Seeing that He loves me, that I'm supposed to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that I'm supposed to love my neighbour as myself. Those are easiest to see because Scripture plainly spells those things out and all I need do is open my Bible and read. What is hard to see sometimes is how much God loves me and how best to love Him and my neighbour. Sometimes it's hard to see where He is leading me or what His plan is.

I think the reason for this is because I live in the world and I get distracted. Like right now as I'm writing this, my youngest GB is watching Go, Diego Go! on TV and as it's after 3pm, I know my two biggest girls will be getting off the bus soon and charging through the door. Those two things are a distraction to my focus on this blog post. Those are just the little things. The world is so full of problems and pain and I think we often get distracted by all the horrible heart-wrenching things going on and we lose our ability to see Him and to see what He wants us to see amid all the distractions.

One of the things that I think He wants us to see during this Advent is that we need to slow down and wait. Advent is a time of waiting, you know. It's so easy though to get distracted by all the Christmas decorations and lights going up around us, the shopping for presents, the cooking, the card writing, and all the many things we do to ready our homes and hearts for Christmas, that we lose sight of Advent altogether. We lose our ability to see the importance of waiting, anticipation, stillness, silence, and the darkness of the night that came before the dawn of the Incarnation. We are so preoccupied with "Away in a Manger" that we forget "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." 

Our modern need to make all of December into one big Christmas celebration blinds us to the disciplines of waiting and stillness and the joy that can be found in these things. There is a phrase that is part of the Liturgy of the Eucharist during the Mass which follows the Our Father that says: "As we await the blessed hope and coming of Our Saviour, Jesus Christ." In the context of the Mass, we are, of course, talking about the Second Coming, but I think it's appropriate in this season of Advent and something good to meditate on a bit. 

If we can stop a bit each day, slow down and still our minds, we can have our eyes opened anew to the joy that comes with waiting on the coming of the Word Incarnate. In these moments of reflection, we can have our vision restored so that we may see as the disciples did and hear His Voice calling us while we anticipate His arrival.

Five Minute Friday: Weary

This chapter of Psalms gets me every. single. time. It is SO true to the experience of despair and the weariness that comes from fighting a mental illness. It's one I have prayed many many times.

This isn't something that is easy for me to talk about and that's saying something. I talk about a lot of things on this blog that are universally considered hush-hush and things that are difficult at best to talk about with someone you trust -- much less publishing them for the entire world to see. The thing is though, if I don't talk about it, then the likelihood that someone else who is struggling with these things will start talking about it becomes less. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I like talking about depression, self-injury, PTSD, suicide, therapy, etc. It's that I need to talk about these things -- for myself and for the benefit of others who might need to hear it or find some solidarity in my words.

I have been kinda quiet with my writing of late and haven't participated in the Five Minute Friday community much at all in the last several weeks. Just haven't been able to summon the words to talk about bacon (gasp!) or dancing or anything else. This week's prompt though, just hit me where I live in a big way.

WEARY

There's a lot I could say about this word, but as I said, I need to say something that isn't easy for me to say, so here goes....

I struggle with suicide.

Sunday Funday 2

Hi all! I'm back for another Sunday Funday!

The past couple of weeks have been kinda hectic and stressful, but I've been trying to be good with avoiding sweets late at night. Y'all, I caved this week. I've had a powerful craving for ice cream for about three weeks and I finally gave in this past Wednesday night. I went to our local Publix grocery store with the plan of getting a half gallon of Publix brand Chocolate Trinity for Gray and a half gallon of some other Publix flavour for me. They have all the usual flavours like chocolate, strawberry, mint chocolate chip, vanilla, neopolitan, etc, but my favourites are the limited edition flavours that only appear at certain times of the year. I've had so much in my head lately that I completely forgot what time of year it was, so when I got to the ice cream section and looked through the gleaming glass doors, I got giddy. This is what I saw:

Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream -- my absolute FAVOURITE limited edition flavour. SO good! I had this flavour for the first time at a friend's son's 2nd birthday party about 7 years ago and was immediately hooked. I think they must put crack in it or something. Seriously. That year I think I bought about 5 or 6 cartons of it between when I had it at the birthday party in October and when they finally stopped making it for the year in December. Every year since then, it has been one of my favourite ways of celebrating that fall is here. This year, instead of the regular Publix brand black carton with a nice looking piece of pumpkin pie on the front, they really went all out. Check out the back of the carton. SO cute!

In case you can't read the words, it says, "Buckle your hat, Raise a spoon, And give thanks for dessert." I love the little Pilgrims, the fall leaves and even the bowl of ice cream with its fall leaf decoration. The cup of coffee is also a nice touch, because who doesn't love a cup of coffee or something steamy hot with dessert after Thanksgiving dinner?

I also love how they included this little bit of trivia on the carton about the little Pilgrim salt and pepper shakers. I had no idea they'd been around that long, but that could be because we've only had Publix in our area for about 15 years or so. About three or four years ago, they started airing a Publix commercial in November that features the little Pilgrims sitting amongst a huge Thanksgiving spread. It's such a great commercial that I think they have aired it every years since it first came out. It's one of those that makes you giggle and smile when you see it. Here, have a look:

This is the top of the carton. Notice how the Pilgrims expressions are different here and they're kinda giving each other a sideways glance! They're very expressive for inanimate objects, don't you think? You can actually buy a pair of these for your Thanksgiving table in pretty much every Publix store around the holidays. They're usually about $5-6, I think, so not too expensive. One of these days, I may get some for our holiday table. Need to do a bit more organization first!

And this is the ice cream....oh sooooo good! It's a pale orange coloured pumpkin flavoured ice cream with pumpkin pie spices, bits of pie crust (which somehow stays kind of crunchy), and a whipped cream swirl throughout. I could seriously eat half the carton in one sitting. As it is, I usually finish it in about four servings! Oh and it's seriously awesome with a tiny bit of the Chocolate Trinity flavour in the bottom of the bowl.

 Earlier in the week, I was at Publix getting dinner items and as I passed the dairy case, these jumped out at me! Y'all know what a nerd I am, so I had a hard time not grabbing one or both of these. They also had an espresso chocolate flavoured Darth Vader one and I discovered online that there's two more. One is a hazelnut flavoured C-3PO and the other is a spiced latte flavoured Chewbacca! FUN! I may need to find the Chewbacca one because I love Chewy and spiced anything in my coffee always sounds yummy this time of year. I told a friend online that it would have been awesome if they'd done a Princess Leia Cinnamon Bun one. I mean, come on. How awesome would that have been?

In other food related news, we had some pretty tasty homemade tamales this evening courtesy of our parish's hispanic ministry. They were selling them to raise funds for some of the projects they do and they were $2 apiece or $15/dozen. M2 has been looking forward to the tamale sale since last Sunday when she spotted the announcement in the weekly bulletin! I wasn't sure how she was going to like them, but she seemed to really enjoy the chicken one she had. AB enjoyed hers too, but our littlest, Miss GB, wouldn't touch them. Hooray for the picky almost-3 year old phase! (Not!)

So that's my fun stuff for this week! See you next week!

Five Minute Friday: Yes

This is my contribution, done in however many minutes it takes me, to the Five Minute Friday community. I don't do it by the rules, but if you want to, go check it out at Kate Motaung's blog, Heading Home. Just click on the link at the top for Five Minute Friday to find out what it's all about. This week's prompt is....

YES

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, “Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you.” But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” And the angel said to her in reply, “The holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her. (Luke 1:26-38)

I have read this passage of scripture many times. It's one of the texts that is often read at Christmas, because it has to do with the birth of Jesus. So many times as I read this growing up, I saw Mary's part in it as just one of someone who is the recipient of a message. More to the point, I saw it as a command from God that was delivered by the angel Gabriel. That's certainly the point of view that seemed to be preached from the pulpit in my Southern Baptist church, even if not specifically stated as such.

Given the language of the text, that is how it reads, but reading it with Mary as simply a passive recipient of this seemingly commanding message misses the point. It ignores that Mary, like all human beings, was created by God with free will. In my rush to see her as nothing more than Jesus' mother who happened to be specially chosen by God, I ignored this critical aspect of her humanity. I say it is critical because if we assume that she had no choice in the matter, then we negate the many scriptures that speak of man's ability to choose right from wrong -- including the ones in Genesis which tell how our first parents, Adam and Eve, exercised their free will in a way that created a need for Christ to come in the first place. If Mary is simply a robot who cannot say no to God, then she becomes unimportant in the overall story of our redemption.

But she is important and the reason is because she said YES.

There is a vast amount of power in those three letters. People's lives have been spared or ended by them. Nations have gone to war because of them. Sacred bonds have been forged by them. Kings have been created and men brought to their knees by them. They bring both infinite joy and great sorrow in their affirming power.

Mary's "yes" -- which we call her "fiat" in Latin -- brought about the greatest joy in human history. Her fiat made possible our salvation. Her yes enabled our redemption. This is why we as Catholics sometimes refer to her by the title Co-Mediatrix of All Graces. It isn't that she has an equal role as mediator between us and the Father, but rather that she said "yes" in order to bring Jesus into the world to die for us so that the gift of God's grace which mediates our sin before the Father might be possible.

Look at this verse from the passage again:

Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.”

This is the part where she gives her "yes" to God. She uses the language of submission, but it isn't submission that has come about because she has no choice. Given that all human beings are created with free will, Mary certainly could have said "no." Think of the situation that she found herself in -- betrothed to Joseph and not married. You can imagine that many young women in her shoes might have indeed said "no." But that's not what she does. She instead submits willingly -- "May it be done to me according to your word." -- to what God is asking of her. It is a yes that is borne out of a love for God and a desire to serve Him completely.

It is this total and purposeful surrender to God's will that makes Mary a model for all Christians. It is why Christians throughout the ages have revered and honored her in art, song, and literature. It is why she is often referred to as the chief of saints and why she is accorded special honor above the rest of the saints.

Mary's yes brought Jesus into the world so that we might be reconciled to God the Father and so that Eve's disobedience and her "no" might be undone. Her yes gave Jesus His specific human nature and the flesh that bore our sins, was Mary's DNA in Him. Her yes brought the Word Incarnate into the world through the ordinary means of human conception, pregnancy, and childbirth.

As Christians, outside of Jesus, we can have no better model than Mary on which to base our faith and devotion to Our Lord. If we fully submit ourselves to His will, then He can use our ordinary human flesh and our ordinary human means to bring the Word Incarnate to a world in need.

We need only say, "Yes" to Him.