Sunday, December 28, 2014

A Letter to Grief

Today's post is a special link-up with Kate Motaung's "Letters to Grief." Go check out Kate's blog and the many other letters to grief written by my fellow bloggers. If you're so inclined, write your own letter and link it up by using the link up at the bottom of the main entry (click on "many other letters to grief" above).

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Dear Grief,

We have been travelling through life together for nearly two years, but it wasn't until recently that I realized it was you. True, depression has been my companion for this same duration, but I had no idea you had come along for the ride. I think you buried yourself in depression's skirts, keeping hidden until Pendragon saw through your disguise. I would never have seen you there without his help.

He says that you are the reason I wear almost nothing but black and this makes sense to me. Colours feel all wrong and black sometimes brings only cold comfort, but it is a more appropriate shroud to console my broken heart.

I have lost so much in the last two years. Is it any wonder as you have been with me, prodding tears and pulling me down and down and down again? You have pricked my pain and rubbed salt in my wounds and I never even knew you were there. Your whisperings have induced oceans of tears and an ache so deep and so painful that I have wondered if I would ever be at peace again.

You have threaded your way through my very veins, enmeshing with my spirit and severing the ties of head and heart that have allowed me to feel the presence of God. That precious gift of being able to feel Him walking with me, holding me fast, comforting me, giving me peace and solace amidst the storm of depression is gone like so much candle smoke in a summer breeze.

No matter how many prayers I pray, tears I cry, or how many times I beg of Him to restore this to me, the miracle never happens. I have wondered many times why this is so and I believe it is because of you. I believe it is because I am unable to fully let you go.

Oh grief, how I want to let you go!

But I do not know how.

You have brought me so deep into your embrace that I am made weak and woozy at times, drowning in the despair which you pour over my head and despite my desire to break free from your clutches, I find myself falling further into you with each month that passes.

I am heartbroken and spent and hopeless because of you. I had thought you a nameless sadness that was keeping me captive, but thanks to this insight, you now have a name other than that clinical moniker, "depression."

I name you -- grief -- and pray that in giving name to you, I give myself enough strength to escape you one day.




Thursday, December 25, 2014

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Anticipating Jesus and M2

Today's blog post is a part of The Advent Blog-Hop hosted by Beth Anne at her blog Beth Anne's Best! Go check out the other blog entries in this series. Happy Advent!

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In December of 2006, I was in full anticipation mode as we were awaiting the birth of our eldest child, M2, in February. My due date was February 5th and I was getting more excited by the day. We had elected not to find out her gender because I wanted to be surprised, which only added to my excitement. As the days of Advent rolled by, I bought presents for Gray and our families and decorated our Christmas tree. I had been doing some preparation for the baby although we didn't have the crib or many clothes, but as we still had about 7-ish weeks to go, so I wasn't worried. This proved to be a mistake. On the night of December 19th, my water broke around 11pm. After a lot of drama (the entire story is a doozy!) and a very rapid labour, M2 was born just after 3am on the 20th at just 33 weeks, 2 days gestation. To say that we were surprised was an understatement. We had not been anticipating this. 
M2 at about two days old in the NICU. I was smitten with her from the moment I saw her!
Like me, Mary was anticipating the birth of her first (and only) child. In today's gospel reading, Luke 1:26-38, we have the story of Gabriel's announcement to Mary that she had been chosen by God to bear Jesus. We often get caught up in the awe of her submission to God's will and her "yes" to God and we forget that she was a woman who was with child -- like many other women before her and since then. It sounds like a simple thing to recall, but I think we sometimes get lost in all the excitement over who Mary is and certainly who Jesus is that we forget about the very human condition she found herself in as she waited and anticipated His arrival. As we know, Luke goes on to mention her visit to Elizabeth (Luke 1:39-45), but have you ever wondered about the rest of the time she was pregnant and the events in the days leading up to Jesus' birth?
Visitation by Philippe de Champaigne
Obviously, there are no documents that exist which might tell us about this for her, but I can tell you what I believe. I believe she was like every other mother-to-be in many ways. I believe this because I am a mother too. M2 is my eldest, of course, but she has two little sisters as well and they are three very wild but very sweet little women. All three of them are so dear to me and have blessed my life in innumerable ways outside of the womb, but the blessing and joy that I have received because of their lives began before they even made their appearance into this world. There is nothing that quite compares to the myriad of emotions that a woman experiences upon learning that she is pregnant. There may be shock, relief, fear, panic, apprehension, elation, joy, excitement, and anticipation. I know I experienced most of those at varying times during my three pregnancies, but the one that I remember the most during those months between learning that I was pregnant and each delivery is anticipation.

If you think about it, the 40 weeks of pregnancy are one big ball of anticipation. Everything you do is driven by that feeling because in the end, you are anticipating something -- the birth of your child. You take care of yourself, visit the obstetrician, buy baby items, and take classes in birth techniques or parenting. Even your thoughts are filled with anticipation as you contemplate baby names, share your news with others, dream about what your baby will look like, wonder what gender it will be, and worry about whether or not you'll really be up to the task of caring for this new little person. In this way, I think Mary was just like the rest of us mommies. True, she had a heads up on the gender and name, but I can imagine the rest of it was pretty normal.

I can imagine she probably gazed down at her rapidly growing belly and began to wonder if Jesus would have St. Joachim's nose or St. Anne's smile. I'm sure she, along with her female relatives and friends, made the swaddling clothes that she wrapped Him in before laying Him in the manger (Luke 2:7). I have no doubt that there were times that the enormity of her consent (Luke 1:38) to allow the Holy Spirit to overshadow her must have weighed on her as she pondered the task of protecting, nurturing, and raising the Son of God. There is a very popular song that I hear a lot on the radio at Christmas called "Mary, Did You Know?" that asks several questions about Mary's understanding of who this child she was entrusted with really is. I believe that she absolutely knew during those 40 weeks of waiting quite a lot about who this child was going to be (my dear friend and fellow blogger Mark Shea actually wrote a fantastic piece about this song in a FAQ format that goes through the various questions the song asks and answers them with verses of scripture). She had been told much of this by Gabriel and yet, she still consented to participate in God's will for her life.
The Annunciation by Philippe de Champaigne c. 1645
Today is my beautiful M2's 8th birthday and I am still full of anticipation. It is not anticipation about her name or gender or what she looks like, but more about who she will become as she gets older. As I anticipate the celebration of the Nativity to come in a few days' time, I am using these last few days of Advent to ponder what Mary must have been anticipating both as she was waiting for Jesus to arrive and as He, as the scripture says, "grew and became strong, filled with wisdom; and the favour of God was upon Him." (Luke 2:40). She knew so much of who He was because of what Gabriel had told her, but like all mothers, I know she still had questions and wondered.
Me with M2 at her class  Christmas party just a few days ago.
May we all enter into these last days of Advent with a sense of anticipation of His coming -- not just at Christmas but His Second Coming at the end of time and so prepare our hearts to receive Him in these days of celebration and for all eternity.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Adore

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here. 

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2009

It is late on a Sunday night and the humid air outside has only the barest of breezes to cool me as I walk from my car to the chapel door. It is my usual hour to come here. I have been coming here every Sunday night at this time for a few months now. This place, once foreign to me, is now very familiar. I punch in the code on the door lock and turn the handle.

As I enter the small chapel from the outside, I see Him immediately. He is there before me, resplendent and beautiful in the golden monstrance upon the altar. I take a breath, dip my fingertips in the small font of holy water beside the door, bless myself, and fall to my knees on the cold, hard tile. I have needed this moment all week. After a few moments of silent prayer and greeting to Him, I rise from my knees and sign in at the table to my left, before entering one of the half a dozen or so pews that face the altar.

This is my hour to adore. I share it with a married couple, but even though we technically share the hour, I wouldn't miss it for anything. It is here, adoring Him present in the Blessed Sacrament that I may pour out my heart as I sit at His feet. It is here that I may be still and quiet after the craziness of my day. I kneel, take up my rosary, and gaze at him as I begin my prayers and meditations. For the space of twenty minutes, I am caught up in adoration, completely unaware of anything but Him and this moment we are sharing. Everything else fades away -- all sounds, all smells, all sights -- all but the beauty of His face. Everything except for Him fades to a haze and even my troubles and the depression that has been dogging me for the last couple of months seems nonexistent.

I breathe in and breathe out. The rosary beads slip between my fingers, one after the other as my lips barely move, marking the time with the familiar prayers. My mind is meditating on the mysteries I am contemplating and my gaze is transfixed on Him. O my Jesus, I adore You! I breathe in and breathe out. My fingers come again to the rosary center piece and I conclude my prayer with the sign of the cross. Normally I would move, take a seat in the pew, and perhaps read scripture or some other spiritual reading, but tonight I remain kneeling, unable take my eyes off of Him.

I adore.

I gaze upon Him and He gazes upon me. We remain there in this moment together and when, at last, I tear my face away from His, I feel a peace settle over me like a warm blanket. I sit in the pew, but instead of reading, I just sit with Him.

I adore.
Join the Five Minute Friday party at Kate Motaung's blog!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Another little update

Christmas is fast approaching and I have SO much to do -- hence the not posting in like a week. Also, I've been feeling a lack of inspiration of late too and struggling with my depression some too. Sometimes when it rains, it pours...

All that said, I've got a post that's almost ready and will be posted on Saturday. I'm participating in an Advent Blog Hop and this is my contribution! I hope you'll enjoy it. I'm going to try to write a bit over the next couple of weeks, but I'll be with family some, so I might not have as much time for it.

Peace to all of you and yours!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

An Advent Giveaway!

I don't know if you're like me, but this time of year is crazy busy and I can definitely do with a little extra TLC. Sometimes you just want to chill out and get away from it all, but if you can't do that, the next best thing is to relax with a nice bath or something that smells nice.

Emily at Our Home.....Under Mary's Mantle is hosting a giveaway at her blog for a gorgeous looking spa set with a lavender and chamomile scent which is called Tranquility. The set is made by the good folks at Honeybird Farms in Excelsior Springs, Missouri. 
Doesn't this just look wonderful?
I've entered and am really hoping to win, but I'd love for any of the folks who read my blog to win too! The giveaway ends at 9pm Central tomorrow December 10th. Go check it out here!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Dear

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here. 

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Dear Depression,

As of the turning of the calendar into December a few days ago, it has been an almost 22 month long journey through your dark abyss. When are you going to let me go? I know that I have a part in your staying, as the bulk of your grasp on me is to do with the things in my head, but I have put for monumental effort at expelling you and still, you barely seem to budge. I don't understand what I have done to deserve so long a sojourn through your clutches, but here I am nonetheless, and at this point, I have no hope that this will ever truly go back to a place of normalcy. I spoke with Pendragon this week about how I am grieving. I am grieving, you know. I am grieving the loss of everything that you have stolen from me.