It's halfway through August and I haven't written anything. There are several reasons why, but the biggest one is the one that underlies the rest of them.
Any confidence I had that what I write is any good or that it makes any difference has been shaken so hard that I wonder if I will ever get it back.
I think it began with a bad week of depression, but what really made me really begin to doubt myself and my abilities was a poorly timed weekend surrounded by writers who are well ahead of me on the writing path and whose voices are far different than my own. There was also a single moment in that weekend that made me feel like a total failure as a writer and like I was just a little bit smaller and more worthless as a person. The other writers were mostly really great folks and I made a couple of new friends, but my biggest takeaway from the weekend is that I am only deluding myself that I am a writer.
So I've written posts, but I can't bring myself to finish most of them or publish any of them. None of them sound right to my ears. They seem to lack coherence and anything worth reading. They all scream at me, "You are NOT a writer!"
I keep trying to write and the drafts of posts keeps piling up. Every time I open Blogger, it is a bit more depressing. Quite honestly, I feel like crying even as I write this. Even this confession seems not quite good enough.
I don't know why I'm writing this except that I haven't written anything in over half a month. I was contemplating doing the Write 31 Days challenge in October, but it seems pointless given that I'm also contemplating ending this blog and hanging up my writing hat altogether. This isn't just really bad writer's block. It's a total lack of confidence that what I'm doing with this blog is worth continuing.
Oh friend what YOU are writing is so worth continuing. Your words have blessed so many through you sharing your story. You do have something valuable to say. It makes me so sad that you have been shaken so much. Each of us is different and has something worth saying. It is so easy to get caught up in the comparison game. I do it too!! I signed up for Kate's 6 week study on "Being A Writer." Will you join us? You don't have to have the book. It has felt so good to know that I'm not alone. I think often a lot of us feel like "imposters" too. I'll understand if you shut down this site but it will make me so so sad friend! I love you and your words! You, my friend, are a writer!!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with everything that Tara has said. I have been blessed and encouraged through your writing. You and your words would be missed if you shut down your blog. I hope God comforts gives you comfort and allows you to see how valuable are to Him and to us.
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