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| Strip courtesy of peanuts.wikia.com. |
Two people that I mention on a routine basis on this blog are my
husband, Gray and my therapist, Pendragon. I've talked a lot about
Gray's support and our story, but I haven't really talked much about
Pendragon. I know some people might think it strange to go into much
detail about their therapist, but he is an important person in my
life and I wanted to share some of my thoughts about him.
In the last 2.5 years, I've seen him so frequently (due to the
intensity of this episode of depression) that I have jokingly
referred to him as "the other man in my life." Outside of
Gray, he knows me better than almost anyone on the planet. It's very
rare these days that I pull something out that totally surprises him. I've gotten to know a little bit
about him too as he's shared different experiences he's had with
similar things to give me a new perspective or encourage me that I'm
not alone in something.
More Than Medication
In 2008, I was going through a particularly severe depressive
episode, complete with self-injury. It began about 11 months after
the birth of our second daughter, AB, but it wasn't until about 4
months later that I finally managed to make an appointment with a
psychiatrist at a large psychiatric group near our apartment. I had
gone off my antidepressants when I got pregnant with our eldest
daughter, M2, but never got back on them postpartum because AB was
conceived so soon after M2's birth. Gray suggested I might need meds
again, so I made the appointment.
At the appointment with Dr. Alt, I gave him the basic history of
my illness and waited for his assessment. He asked some questions
about the current episode, looked back over his notes, and finally
said in his pronounced German accent, "I am going to give you a
prescription, but I think you would benefit from talking to someone."
My heart sank. I wasn't expecting that.
In retrospect, given that I was cutting myself and severely
depressed, it was silly to think I could get away with just taking a
prescription, but I didn't feel ready to talk about stuff. He
continued, "So I'd like to set you up to see someone. Do you
prefer a woman or a ma--”
"A man." The answer came flying out of my mouth before
he'd even finished his question. He raised his eyebrows and looked
down at his notes before addressing me again.
"Are you sure? You wouldn't prefer a woman?"
I shook my head and replied, "No, I wouldn't."
He continued, "The reason I ask is that in my experience,
women are usually more comfortable talking to a woman."
I shook my head more firmly. "Not me. I would prefer a man,
please."
He bent his head over my patient file, scribbled something down,
and looked up again. "Well, in that case, I think I have just
the person for you. I think you'll like him. His name is Pendragon."
He made another note, then turned to look at something else on his desk. After a few
moments consultation, he asked, "would
next week be okay for an appointment with him?" I nodded mutely. After a bit of writing, he stood, handed me both a piece of paper bearing my new prescription and a larger one with instructions for the front office to make that appointment with Pendragon and with that, ended the appointment and ushered me out of
the office.
The First Appointment
Time has a nasty habit of speeding up when you want it to crawl
and the time between my visit with Dr. Alt and my first appointment
with Pendragon flew by like a gust of wind. The day arrived and
suddenly I found myself sitting in the parking lot, steeling myself
to go inside. I finally got myself together, went in and checked in
at the front desk. I sat down to wait. It must have been a few
minutes, but it seemed like I'd barely sat down when I heard a
pleasant sounding male voice call, "Therese?" I looked up
and saw a rather tall, very young looking man holding a file folder
and looking around. I stood up and we made eye contact. He repeated
my name, "Therese?" I nodded quietly. "Hi, I'm
Pendragon. It's nice to meet you."
I think I muttered something like "Nice to meet you too"
but I can't be totally sure. My heart pounded nervously and I felt like I was barely breathing. He
motioned toward the double doors that led back to the individual
offices and invited me back. As we walked, I glanced at his face
again and was struck by how very young he looked.
Is he even old
enough to be doing this? How old is he? As
these thoughts went through my head, I suddenly realised that he was
about six paces ahead of me.
Dang, long legs! Hold up! Wow, he's
tall!
I don't recall much of that first session. I do remember being
surprised that he sat across from me rather than having a desk
between us. I also recall that he didn't push me for details or
pressure me to tell him anything more than I wanted to tell him. As a
result, I didn't mention the self-injury or suicidal thoughts. I
wasn't sure how he'd take it. My experience in the past had been very
negative with doctors and therapists who just didn't understand
self-injury and I'd only ever admitted suicidal thoughts to one other
person. I wasn't sure if I could trust him with those darkest of
secrets. Despite my reticence in that first session, I did find
myself warming to him. He had a kind face, a relaxed approach, and my
initial impression was that he wasn't judging me. At the end, we made
an appointment for two weeks later. In retrospect, he must have sensed I was in more distress than I was letting on because as I was leaving, he told me that
if I needed to talk before that appointment I could call during
office hours, leave him a message, and he'd call me back. It was a
small thing, but it made me feel a little less alone in my struggle.
I decided in that moment that I thought I liked him and that this
just might work out.
These Days...
Well, six years later, he still has a baby face (for real y'all, he
looks like he's barely out of college), but I have since learned that
he is, in fact, older than me by about 4 years. I've also learned
more about him which has strengthened my ability to relate to him, be
myself, and do the work of trying to recover and make positive
changes in my life. These days I don't have to gallop to keep pace
with his long legs, since he is now in private practice and the walk
from his waiting area to his office door is only about four steps.
Because I trust him implicitly, I also, very rarely, hold anything
back. He knows me well enough now though, that he can tell if I am.
He still doesn't pressure me to say things I'm not ready to say,
although he has perfected the art of helping me find a place where I
feel able to say those things. In fact, there have been days when the
depression has lain so heavy on me that my tongue was rendered silent
and I couldn't bring myself to speak at all, but somehow, bit by bit,
Pendragon has managed to help me find my voice and speak many
difficult things aloud.
He doesn't judge me --
ever. No matter what kind of insanity falls
out of my mouth or how much I sob and use half a box of tissues at
one go. He doesn't care that the moment that I come in his office I
kick off my sandals, tuck one foot underneath me, and plop down on
his comfy sofa with all the grace of a paraplegic hippo. His office is a place where I feel safe and able to truly be my authentic self -- stripped of masks and defenses, totally honest, raw, vulnerable, and exactly who I am with all my good, bad, and in between. I've come in his office exhausted from too little sleep, in need of a shower, wearing clothes that were dirty, half out of my head from not eating for days, and so darkly depressed that I was silent as a tomb and have found deep concern, a lot of patience, and and a determined perseverance to help me find my way to a better place through self-care, coping skills, and changes in my thinking. I
never
feel like I'm under some kind of judgmental scrutiny.
Despite the lack of feeling scrutinized, Pendragon is keenly
observant and is able to glean an awful lot about me and the kind of
week I've been having before I've said the first word. I first
noticed this two years ago
when
I had an appointment after
one
of the most traumatic days of my life. I know therapists are trained to be observant, but I think he is particularly so and it's very helpful as he has used those observations to point things out to me that I wasn't even aware of previous to that moment.
Lest you think that our sessions are all gloom and doom, we do laugh. In fact, there have been several moments where both of us were shaking with laughter. It's a darn good thing too, because the nature of mental illness is that you really need that kind of pressure valve to release tension and help ground you a bit. Pendragon also encourages me in the good things in my life like my marriage, my kids, and most importantly, my faith. He is, like me, a Christian (although not Catholic) and understands the vital role my faith plays in my life and in my mental health. His encouragement of the pursuit of my faith has been especially important as I've struggled mightily over the past 2 years with feeling connected to God and wanting to remain faithful in my walk with Him.
I am immensely grateful to God for bringing Pendragon into my
life. To be honest, I do not have adequate words to express my
gratitude. I am thankful for his listening ear, outsider perspective,
professional expertise, and immeasurable amount of compassion,
gentleness, and caring with which he has helped me through many a
difficult situation and some of my darkest hours.
And so with that, I will wind this up and say "Thanks be to
God for His merciful gift of a compassionate healer who helps me be
just
pensive enough to fight and slay my
dragons."
