Day Two: First

When life comes along with a challenge or a task which seems complicated or overwhelming, many people ask the question, "What do we do first?" It's the natural human way of approaching something that has lots of pieces, parts, steps, or that seems difficult to understand or navigate. First steps are important to get right because they can often determine the course of things or the order of any steps which come after it. They may even determine the outcome of a particular endeavour.

When you realise or someone else realises that you are experiencing symptoms of what may be a mental illness, it is the perfect question to ask. There are a few different first steps that can be taken when this is the case:

1. Make an appointment with your regular doctor. 

At this appointment, talk to him or her about your concerns and your symptoms. As your regular doctor knows your medical history, he can use that to determine if perhaps your symptoms are related to an issue you already have and if so, what the appropriate action is. He may order blood or imaging tests to rule out certain physical illnesses which may have symptoms that are the same as what you are experiencing. He may prescribe medication or change a medication that you already take. He may also go ahead and refer you to a psychiatrist and/or therapist.

2. You can make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist.

If you have many symptoms that seem to fit a particular mental illness and you are reasonably sure you aren't physically ill, you may choose to do this as your first step. Like meeting with your doctor, a psychiatrist or therapist can help you understand if you do have a diagnosable mental illness that needs therapy or medications. If you do not have a diagnosable mental illness, a therapist or psychiatrist can still help you in dealing with the symptoms or particular challenges of whatever is actually going on which is causing the symptoms -- including if it's caused by a physical illness of some kind.

3. If you realise you are having symptoms of a mental illness, but no one else around you has noticed, tell someone.

This is a hard first step, I know. It requires a lot of courage and some discernment too. It may be the very last thing you want to do, but it's critical if you want to get better. I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating, but it really is that vital. If you have a mental illness, you're going to need a strong support system outside of your doctor and/or therapist. You're going to want someone you can call or text or visit with who will listen, be there for you, and walk with you through it. Since not everyone is equipped to handle being that kind of support, that's where the discernment comes into play. You want to choose someone who you trust and who you know you can count on when things get hard. Ideally, this should be someone who is close enough to where you live that you can be around them in person, but it doesn't have to be. Even better would be for you to have more than one person you can talk to about things, so that if one person is unable to be there in a given moment, you've got other people you can turn to when things go pear-shaped.

4. If you don't have anyone you can tell how about your symptoms, try calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) and talk to someone there. 

You don't have to be suicidal to call them. They are trained to listen and can offer a way of venting your feelings if you have no one you can turn to in your day to day life. They can also provide you with resources to find help in your area if you don't know where to start looking. I keep this number in my phone for myself for those times when I know that my support people are either tapped out emotionally or physically or when they're unavailable for some reason (like being out of contact because of vacation or limited access to phone or the internet). I have called a few times as well when I had my normal supports available, but was struggling to reach out to them like I normally would. The Lifeline is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with mental health issues and for those who are part of their support team.

Just as there are positive first steps you can take as you start a particular task, there are ones that, if taken, will make your task all the harder. With that in mind, here are three "first steps" to avoid:

1. Staying silent and trying to go it alone. -- Silence helps no one, least of all, you. If you're dealing with a mental illness, going it alone and trying to muscle your way through it in silence will only work for so long. Ask me how I know this.

2. Freaking out and doing nothing. -- This is a hard one to avoid because it's a very common reaction when you're dealing with something that is as overwhelming as the symptoms of mental illness can be. Also, no one really wants to have a mental illness, so freaking out is pretty normal. Just don't let it stop you completely.

3. Ignoring the symptoms in the hope that they will go away. -- If you have a diagnosable mental illness and you do this, I can guarantee you that it won't work and it will only make things worse. It won't help if your symptoms are the result of a physical illness either. Trust me. Ignoring things and trying to distract yourself from what you're feeling may work temporarily, but in the long run, you'll need some help from professionals in one way or another.

If you follow the first steps mentioned above (and avoid those other first steps), you will be glad you did. It's a pretty tired old adage, but it's true when people say that the first step is the hardest. It is. That first step takes immense courage and when you're already feeling so vulnerable, that can be even harder. Know this though: you CAN do it. You can! I believe in you! Go forth and conquer that first step! Once you've done it, you'll be on the path and then, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step at a time.

The Big Lie of Mental Illness

One of the most difficult things about living with a mental illness and trying to manage it is trying to recognize what is true and real versus what is a lie. On the surface, that sounds like a silly statement because most people have a pretty firm grasp on reality in their day to day lives. I mean, they know that the sky is blue, that the grass is green, that people need oxygen to live, that gravity keeps us all rooted to the ground, etc. These are more general truths and easier to see. The harder things are the more specific and personal realities. That's where mental illness likes to lie and convince you to swallow those lies.

To outsiders, these lies are very obvious. For example, a person struggling with bulimia or anorexia hears the frequent lie that they are fat, obese, or overweight. For those who are outside of that disease, it is very easy to see that the person struggling with the eating disorder is either a healthy weight or underweight, but it's not so easy if you're the one struggling with it. You may stand in front of the mirror and try to convince yourself that it's a lie and that you need to eat to stay alive, but the illness has lied to you so often and so loudly, that it's almost all you can hear about yourself.
Depression lies. Bipolar lies. PTSD lies. No matter the illness, they all lie.

While each illness has lies that are specific to it, many of the lies that mental illness tells tend to overlap between the various illnesses:

• "You're worthless."
• "No one cares about you."
• "You'll never get through this."
• "You shouldn't need help. You should be stronger than this."
• "He/she only stays with you out of guilt, not love."
• "This is hopeless."
• "You are alone in this."

I want to address that last one -- "You are alone in this." I think this is one of the single biggest lies that pretty much transcends every mental illness. You feel as though no one has ever gone through what you are going through or that no one you know has any idea of the pain you feel. You may feel physically alone because of a lack of support via family or friends or trained professionals. You may feel spiritually alone as though God has abandoned you or as though no one in your faith community understands what you're going through (and sadly, many people of faith still believe mental illness is something that can be prayed away or is the result of demons or sin). You may feel isolated due to your living situation -- living alone, living in a rural area, having no family or friends close by to help.

Here's the truth about this lie -- you are NOT alone. Let me repeat that. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If I can convince you of one thing, I hope it's this. I know that it sounds simplistic and perhaps a bit like I'm trying to make light of your feelings, but trust me. I've been there and I know how fierce this lie is and how easy it is to believe it.

I've heard this lie (and many others) more times than I can count. When I was in so much pain and the feelings of being so totally alone were so strong, it made believing this lie as easy as hearing it. I've believed it so fiercely that I have done things that were detrimental to my mental health and that only made my illnesses worse. I would isolate myself, stop reaching out to others, hide my pain from those closest to me, and slowly drown in my feelings to the point that the pain was more than I could bear and suicide became an option that I not only considered but actively planned.

So what changed?

Well, for one, it took my big brother Chez knocking me over the head several times with his own particular way of phrasing things. Every time he heard some expression of my feelings of being totally alone, he would firmly, but kindly tell me that "feelings are not an accurate barometer of reality." In other words, our feelings about things don't always tell us the truth. The reality is that I am surrounded with people that care deeply for me -- including Gray, my kids, Pendragon, Sif, Rikert, Fr. B, and my big brother Chez -- who all want the best for me and that best includes improved mental health. But feelings are strong and this wasn't an easy or fast change. In fact, it took not only Chez's admonitions and support, but also various supports from Gray, psychological help from Pendragon, and Fr. B's prayers and support. Most of all, it took me making a conscious decision to believe that I wasn't alone so that I could reach out to those people when I felt most alone.

Let me be clear -- that conscious decision didn't erase my feelings or the lie that pounded through my head. Far from it. If anything, there were times that the lie grew much louder and more difficult to fight against and the feelings of loneliness grew stronger along with the temptations to let go, sink into despair, and embrace suicide. In many ways, once I made that conscious decision, the fight actually got harder because that decision meant that I was suddenly having to trust people and be really vulnerable with them in ways that I hadn't before.

One of the biggest hurdles was to learn how to totally let down my walls and be 100% vulnerable with Gray. It wasn't that I didn't trust him before, but rather that I was scared of hurting him with all my pain. You see, the depression and PTSD had lied to me that if I was totally honest with him, he would get scared and have me locked up somewhere or that he would just decide that he couldn't handle "my crazy" and leave altogether.

Because I believed these lies for a long time, I struggled violently and almost daily with wanting to kill myself. The feelings were so intense that there were more than a few times that I made a suicide plan and intended to carry it out. The only person I was reaching out to at that point was Chez. You see, it's easier to be vulnerable with someone who lives 2000 miles away (although I kept some things from Chez too). Thanks be to God though, Chez cares enough about me that after trying to convince me to talk to Gray and running into a brick wall, he went around the wall to Gray directly and told him to talk to me. That was a very hard conversation to have and one that I fought having. In the end, it took several marital sessions and a lot of help from Pendragon (in those sessions and my individual ones) to help me work through my fears and be completely vulnerable with Gray.

In the interest of being completely candid, I still have moments when I struggle with being totally vulnerable and honest with Gray, Pendragon, and Chez too. It's much easier these days than it used to be, but every now and then when things get really dark and I feel alone, I want to isolate myself from everyone again. Instead of giving into those temptations and feelings though, I fight back. I reach out instead of being quiet. I talk to those in my support team -- Gray, Pendragon, Fr. B, and Chez primarily -- and I talk to them honestly. It's not always an easy thing to do either, but then fighting against yourself never is easy.

Gray and I still do marital sessions with Pendragon on a regular basis. Those sessions help a lot. They give us a place to talk through our struggles when they arise, to vent about a difficult week, to strategise when things are tough, and to continue to work on communicating with each other. As I often tell people, it's not that our marriage is in dire straits, but rather that given the nature of my illness, we want as much help as we can get.

Notice that I said "we" rather than "I" in the previous sentence. That's because another thing these marital sessions have accomplished is to more solidly unify Gray and myself into that "one flesh" that is spoken of by Jesus. We are a team in this. I no longer have to fight this alone. That's the thing about mental illness and the big lie that "you are alone in this." It not only convinces that you are alone, but that you must fight it alone, but that's a big fat lie as well.

You are not alone and you don't have to fight it alone. Even if you feel alone as you read this, know this one thing: you have me. Yes, me. See that red square button on the right hand side of this page? It's the one that says "Email The Momma." If you feel alone, all you have to do is click that button and send me an email. I promise that I'll write back.

If you need someone to connect with sooner than I am able to get back to you, you can pick up the phone and make a call. I know that's hard to do sometimes, but you can do it. I believe in you! If there's no one that you feel comfortable calling, then call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). You don't have to be suicidal or in a severe crisis to call them. Just dial the number. You can also click the link I provided and chat with them via the internet if you'd rather talk that way. Both the hotline and the crisis chat are available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

One other option if you have a cell phone and live in the USA is the Crisis Textline. It's super easy to use. All you have to do is text the word "Start" to the number 741741. When you do, a crisis counselor will text you back quickly and talk with you about whatever is on your heart. I have not personally used this resource, but have heard wonderful things about it. If you want more information on it, just click the link above.

The big lie that "you are alone in this" is a hard one to overcome and a hard one to convince yourself to fight against, but it IS doable. Remember: feelings are fickle and not an accurate indicator of what is true and your feelings WILL lie to you about this, but now that you know, you can fight. Reach out for help if you need it. You've got this!

P.S. Lest anyone reading this thinks I've got it all figured out, I want to assure you that I don't. I wrote most of this yesterday (7/13/2016) and I got hit with the big fat lie of being alone today. I was physically alone, but my illness came along and tried to convince me that in my moment of struggle that no one cared and that I was absolutely alone. It smacked me over the head like a sledgehammer. I felt weak and struggled for a solid hour before I finally gathered enough wherewithal to remember that my feelings were lying to me. I wrestled with this lie for a good hour before I managed to remember that Gray was just a text message away and that I could reach out to others. That action of reaching out eventually quelled the lie (after some time and some prayer too), but it shook me a bit. As strong as I've gotten and as much as I've learned, I can still fall prey to this vicious lie. I don't tell you this so that you lose hope, but just to be transparent with you. The hope in this is that I remembered that this is a lie and I overcame it. You can too!

Suicide Prevention Week - How You Can Help

Today's the day! It's both World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Day (USA).

One of my favourite charities that works to #StopSuicide is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are so dedicated to working toward their goal of reducing the number of suicides nationwide by 20% by the year 2025. I was so honoured to work with them by participating in one of their two national Overnight Walks this past summer in Boston. Not only was the walk an amazing experience, but my fundraising efforts were added to all the rest to total just over $3 million raised. That money will go to the various programs AFSP has which:

• help educate teachers, school administrators, students, businesses, and other professionals about suicide prevention and how to identify and help those in their schools and workplaces who may be at risk
• help those who have survived the loss of a loved one to suicide with grief support that is tailored to that specific kind of loss
• help local, state, and national government lawmakers create laws which will help raise awareness, educate others, and better enable those who need help to get it
• help raise awareness about suicide prevention through community programs, public service announcements, social media campaigns, billboards and the Field Advocacy program
• and help schools and other large organizations identify individuals who are at risk and help connect them with mental health services

I highly encourage you to consider getting involved with this organization in some way. Suicide is 100% preventable, but no one person can accomplish that feat. I may be wrong, but given that 41, 149 people died by suicide in America in 2013, I'd wager that the vast majority of Americans have been touched, in at least some small way, by suicide.

But being touched by it isn't enough. We need to use that sadness and grief to spur us into action to prevent other deaths. 41,149 deaths by suicide is 41,149 too many.

So what can you do?

1. Share your story of how suicide has touched your life. If it's a personal struggle, it may be very hard to share it, but know that by being courageous, you may just save a life. 
2. If you've already shared your story, keep sharing it. Once is great, but sharing it again and again reaches more people and that's the point of awareness -- to reach as many people as possible with the message.
3. Learn the warning signs of suicide. Check out this great graphic:
   
   Notice that first warning sign -- talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself. The others are very important, but if you hear someone talking about wanting to die, then STOP and PAY ATTENTION. Anyone who exhibits that warning sign should be taken very seriously. 
4. Educate yourself about mental illness. At least 90% (if not more) of people who end their own lives were struggling with a mental illness of some kind. It may have been diagnosed, but often it is something that hasn't been diagnosed for one reason or another. All mental illness carries with it some risk for suicide, but Major Depressive Disorder (aka Depression), Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) are the most common among people who have killed themselves. Learn the symptoms and signs of these illnesses and use that information to help those around you who are struggling. Encourage friends and family to seek out a professional evaluation if you or they suspect they may have a mental illness. A proper diagnosis is CRITICAL to getting proper treatment and going it alone because you're afraid may make things worse.
5. Get involved. Even if you can't do a community or Out of the Darkness walk with the AFSP or raise a lot of money, you can still make a difference. If you have access to a computer, you can #BeTheVoice for those who are struggling and need help by getting the word out via social media. You can do what I do and blog about suicide prevention and mental illness. You can reach out via phone, letters, and emails to your local and state governments and your national representatives and senators. You can write and call local television and radio stations on behalf of someone who is raising money. You can help organize a community walk fundraiser. You can make a commitment to pray every day for those who struggle and those who help them. There's LOTS to do.

I'll close this National Suicide Prevention Day with a special prayer to God, asking for the intercession of my patron saint, St. Dymphna. She is the patroness of mental illness and mental healthcare workers and is someone I've asked to pray for me many, many times. Feel free to pray along with me (the following is from a prayer card I have, hence the odd mention of "nervous disease"):

+ O merciful God, you have willed that St. Dymphna should be invoked as the patroness of nervous and mental disease. Grant that, through the prayer of this youthful martyr of purity, those who suffer from nervous and mental illness may be helped and consoled. I recommend to You in particular those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts that You would send loving hands and hearts to help them out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair and into the light of a new day. Grant them skilled and compassionate mental healthcare workers, a strong network of support, and the strength to persevere to the natural end of their lives. Through Christ, Our Lord. Amen. +

Suicide Prevention Week - Important Numbers To Know

Graphic courtesy of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

 This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. I had intended to write a bit about this topic each day, but life happens. Better late than never!

This is topic is SO important, so expect to see more than one post in the next few days. I'll be giving you some information, passing along some links, and hopefully, this will stick in your head so that if you encounter someone in crisis or you find yourself in crisis, you'll be better educated and ready to help.

First up -- the two most important phone numbers you need to know:

Graphic courtesy of suicidepreventionlifeline.org

This is, as it says, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It's totally free and available 24/7 every day of the year. When you call, the national number patches you through to the crisis center nearest you, which takes just a minute or so and then a trained crisis worker will answer your call. That person can be a listening ear and a resource for finding mental health services in your area. You can call even if you're not the one in crisis, but you're trying to help someone who is or you're worried about someone who is in crisis and don't know what to do. The entirety of the call is confidential as well. If you are calling because you are in crisis, don't worry about saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say, just make the call. So many times when I've been in a crisis situation, just being able to vent all my feelings to someone who will listen and not judge has been helpful enough to get me to a place where the feelings I'm feeling are a bit less intense. It's gotten me through the darkest of things so that I could get myself somewhere safe and with someone who could help me get through the rest of the crisis.

In an extreme emergency, the other number you can call is:

Graphic courtesy of 911.gov

This is, of course, valid in most of the United States and Canada, although it may not be a valid emergency number in other countries. Check with your local government to find the proper number for your area. If you are travelling abroad, here are a few of the most common emergency numbers:

• Most of Europe -- 112; in the UK and Ireland you can dial 999 as well as 112
• Australia -- 000
• New Zealand -- 111
• Parts of Africa -- 112 or 999
• Central and South America -- 911, 112, or 999 -- depending on the country

Calling 911 in this situation would be most appropriate when you are concerned about someone and are unable to be present with them. I had a friend who was concerned about me in college who did this. He was several states away and called 911. The dispatcher near him found out where I lived and where I went to school and alerted campus security who came and knocked on my door. He saved me from making a very big and potentially fatal mistake. You can also call if you are with someone and feel as though the situation is getting out of control (i.e. they've locked themselves in a bathroom with their means or potential means and they're not responding) or if you feel unable to help them on your own. If someone is seriously contemplating suicide, don't be afraid to dial 9-1-1 for help. This is definitely an emergency.

Next up: some resource links for helping yourself or helping someone you know who may be contemplating suicide.

The Week in Rear View - July 13-19, 2015

It's Sunday night, so it's time for The Week in Rear View -- a rapid fire look back at my world this week!

1. This was the week of getting things ready for Fr. B to come bless our house on Friday night. Thankfully, Fr. B doesn't care that the house is a bit messy, because there's just no way I could've gotten it totally like I really want it to look in the time that I had between setting the date for this and the date itself. I did my best to tidy things up, but by Thursday was still wishing it looked a lot better. I planned the menu, bought the groceries, emailed Father our address, and started prepping. Burned a LOT of spoons (actually more than I really had to burn) to do all of this. Then I got an email from Father on Thursday evening saying that he'd fallen ill with severe vertigo again and been to his doctor who told him he wasn't allowed to drive anymore, so he couldn't come bless the house (it's about 45 minutes between the parish and our house in one direction). I totally understood, but I'll admit I was a little disappointed after having worked so hard in anticipation of his visit and that led to...

2. ....a crash on Friday morning. I've been battling insomnia kinda hardcore this week (3-4 hours sleep each night) on top of all the activity. When I woke up after about 4.5 hours of sleep on Friday morning, I didn't feel at all rested. I felt like I'd been hit by a mack truck -- physically and emotionally. Gray wound up working from home and I went back to bed for most of the day.

3. Made a pretty passable BBQ pork for sandwiches in our crock pot overnight on Saturday night. Woke up Sunday to the smell of braised pork, ready for shredding, BBQ sauce, and bread and butter pickle chips! The only thing that would have made it better would have been the addition of some liquid smoke. I used a premixed barbecue spice rub and some low sodium chicken broth (to keep it from drying out while cooking) and that's it. Super easy and delicious!

4. Realized on Thursday that I am finally at a place where I'm ready to start writing about my trip to Boston for the walk and the event itself. It's taken a good three weeks to really process things and figure out all my feelings and what I want to say, but I think I'm finally there. Hopefully, when this week is done, I'll have something written up about it.

5. Blogged for the first time this week about a subject that I've only mentioned in passing previously: self-injury. It was my Five Minute Friday post for this week (go check it out here!), so it was really only a short sort of introduction, but it's something that's been on my heart a lot lately as I've heard from quite a few friends online and in my offline circles that they have kids struggling with this and just don't know what to do or where to turn. It's something that as a society, we need to be talking about more and I'm going to be writing more in depth on it in the near future.

6. Mass this evening (Sunday the 19th) at Fr. B's parish and then took him out to dinner at the Cracker Barrel near his parish. He had suggested when he emailed me to cancel the house blessing that we all go eat together tonight since he knew how excited our three girls were about him coming to visit and bless the house. It was a lovely evening, just laughing and talking and eating together. It reminded me so much of all the things that we love about him and how truly special he is to our family. We are so grateful to God for the gift of His servant and our beloved family friend, Fr. B!

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Well, that's it for the week! Looking forward to this week, keep an eye out for my post about Boston as well as what I anticipate will be a short introduction to the subject of self-injury. If I have time and energy, I might edit a couple of other posts I've been working on for a while and post them too.

A la prossima settimana!

Five Minute Friday: Favourite

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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This beats fast food burgers ANY day!

See that picture above? Yeah, I'm going to admit it. That's one of my favourite things to chow down on when I'm ridiculously hungry. I mean, it's a behemoth of a burger, so hunger is a good accessory to have when attempting it, right? Even hungry though, sometimes I can't finish it. Granted, the fries sitting beside it might be partially to blame. They are another favourite of mine. The place that makes this yummy burger and fries is one of our family's favourite places to go eat. It's pricier than McDonald's or Wendy's but the quality is SO much better and we get the good feelings that come from helping a local business and business owner stay afloat. The owner is a fantastic guy and has become a good friend. He's always helping out in the community and even takes canned food donations to donate to the local food pantry (and you get a free drink if you donate 2 cans -- neat, no?). He's also a fellow Catholic, so we talk faith a good bit when we go in there if he's around and not too busy. I'll be honest though. There have been times when I've gone to eat my favourite when it just didn't enthuse me at all. It wasn't that the recipe had changed or that the burger or fries were cooked differently.

It was all inside my head. I couldn't summon up any of the excitement or usual happy anticipation that comes along with a favourite food. I've had this happen with chocolate, ice cream, my favourite colour, favourite songs, favourite activities, favourite books and movies, etc. I've even had it happen with my fandoms -- and y'all know how I am about my fandoms.

It's one of the hallmarks of intense depression. In psychological terms, it's called anhedonia which means a loss of interest or pleasure in things that normally give a  person pleasure or interest them. It's when your favourite colour becomes blah and chocolate might as well taste like wallpaper paste. It's when you don't feel that familiar thrill of excitement when someone tells you that a new movie in your fandom is coming out soon.

In a word, anhedonia SUCKS. It really really sucks to have all the little joys of life fade away and it makes depression that much harder because one of the suggestions that is usually made to help alleviate the symptoms of depression is to focus on the little things and little joys of life. All those little favourites that normally help lift your spirits should be something that you can turn to when depression gets really black and miserable, but thanks to the nature of this beast, it's often hard to do that. 

So what do you do when your favourite this or that just isn't anymore?

First, you need to make sure you mention this loss of interest to your therapist. He or she needs to know this because it's a serious symptom. Not only that, but your therapist will likely have some ideas for helping you with it.

Second, try to engage with your favourite things anyway -- even if you look at them and the sight of them makes you want to scream swear words and hurl them across the room. I've been there and there have been days when I've engaged with them and days when I haven't. Hey, I didn't say it was easy. It's not. This is probably harder than talking to your therapist.

Third, be gentle with yourself if you don't manage to engage with your favourites anyway. Try to find new things that interest you if you can. If not, employ other self-care tactics until you're able to engage with your favourite things again. For example, my favourite colour is red. I have more red in my wardrobe (especially shirts) than I probably need. When my depression got very very bad at the beginning of this episode, the red disappeared because I couldn't look at it, much less wear it. It wasn't just red though. I tried to wear things that were other colours, but found myself repulsed and annoyed to the point that it was distracting and totally unhelpful, so I engaged in self-care. My self-care was to clothe myself in black from head to toe. That might seem an odd, counterintuitive sort of self-care thing, but it worked and it enabled me to focus more on treatment and life in general because it eliminated the frustration of everything feeling all wrong all the time. It's been almost 2.5 years since this episode began and the red went away and I still cannot wear it (or its derivatives like pink, magenta, etc.) much at all. I've branched out from the black some in the last 6 months and wear some blues, whites, greens, and dark purples, but little to almost zero red. I'm working on getting back to my favourite colour again, but I don't know when that will be -- and that's okay.

One final honest admission --- I've gone way over on my time limit for this week. Way over. Sorry Kate! I just got rolling and couldn't seem to stop. But this is all from the heart and it's where I am this week.

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up your post at Kate Motaung's blog!

Update - June 24, 2015

Life has been moving along pretty quickly these days. I haven't been writing a whole lot, but I've been trying to keep up with the Five Minute Friday posts as often as possible (along with joining the #fmfparty on Twitter on Thursday nights!) and post the odd thing as I am inspired. To be perfectly honest, depression has been kicking my tuchus of late. The last week or so has been a bit better, but I've been in trip planning/packing mode so blogging has been lower on my list of priorities.

Trip, you ask? Why yes indeed!

I'm headed to Boston this weekend for the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk which raises funds for suicide prevention (<---- click the highlighted link to donate to my fundraising efforts). It's organized by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the funds raised go to support their programs which help educate people about suicide prevention, help those in crisis situations, advocate for better mental health care, and provide support programs for those who have lost a loved one as the result of suicide (those people are often called "suicide survivors" which is not to be confused with people who have survived a suicide attempt). They have a very ambitious, but I believe doable, goal of reducing suicide by 20% by the year 2025. Given that approximately 112 Americans die by suicide every day, that's saving just over 8,000 a year! What a huge difference that would make!

So to help achieve this goal, the AFSP does local walks and national walks. The walk in Boston is one of two national walks this year and will take place this Saturday night. It starts at dusk and you walk a distance of about 16-18 miles through the night and into the dawn of a new day. The journey is a symbolic one in that for those who struggle with suicidal thoughts, often the darkness seems to go on forever, but the reality is that the dawn does come if you hold on long enough. The reality is that the dawn is hope and there is hope for those who are struggling with the kind of intense mental illness that leads one to contemplate or attempt suicide.

For me, this is both a journey of solidarity and also a personal journey. If you've read much of my blog, you'll know that I am no stranger to depression and suicidal thinking. Both have been with me for many years and will likely be with me most of my life. For me, this walk is something I want to do to show support to others who struggle but also as a means of healing for myself. It is my hope -- and it makes me a bit nervous to use that word -- that this experience will help heal some old wounds and some more recent wounds and greatly diminish the struggle with suicidal thoughts that has plagued me so intensely for the last couple of years.

I'm not expecting a miraculous sort of healing to take place, but I know that these kinds of things do have the potential to cause certain things in us to shift, to get us thinking, and perhaps prompt us toward positive change. I know one change it has already wrought in me and that's that I feel a definite pull toward becoming more involved in mental health awareness and advocacy. I'm not sure where that's going to lead, but this walk is a good place to start, I think. During the walk, I am going to take lots of pictures and I'm going to try to blog some of those either during the walk itself or just before I crash post-walk, so be on the lookout for that!

For now, I need to start a load of laundry so that tomorrow I'll be ready to get my bag packed. Please say a prayer for me as I take this journey and pray for Gray too. He's going to be home with our three wild little women for the whole weekend while I do this. I know he's up to the task, but I also know how energetic and sometimes trying they can be.

Pax Christi,
TM

Five Minute Friday: World

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I look around at the world sometimes and I wonder if me, being just one person, can do anything that truly matters or makes a difference. I'd love to be able to change the world in a positive way, but the world is so big and complicated and there's so much red tape and strife everywhere, that it can be overwhelming to even think about where to get started.

The conclusion I've come to again and again is that in order to change the world, I have to be willing to do my little part. No big change or even little change comes without effort on the part of someone or a group of someones. Even a small thing can, when added to a bunch of other small things, become something that makes a positive change in the life of someone else in the world. And isn't that what its all about? Wanting to make a difference in this world -- whether it's nature conservation, the environment, animal welfare, human welfare, poverty, or whatever -- is about making a change that will benefit someone else's life in a positive way.

So you start small. You take that first step. Sign up for a group or a newsletter. Get involved with a local charity. Do a little bit. But don't stop there. Keep going. Keep getting involved with whatever cause sets your heart on fire.

For me, one of those causes is mental illness education and advocacy. To that end, in just over two weeks time I am going to be in Boston, MA doing a walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It's called the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk and the funds each walker raises help educate others about suicide prevention, help those in crisis, advocate for better mental health care programs, and provide support programs for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is a fantastic cause. So far, I have raised the requisite amount, but this particular cause is so dear to me (given my own struggles with depression and suicidal ideation) that I would love to raise a bit more.

Would you consider helping me?

It's very easy to do. Just click on the link below to go to my fundraising page (it's a page set up by the AFSP) and click the bright orange donate button at the top of the page. Absolutely ANY contribution is greatly appreciated. Your donation, along with many others, will help save lives and any life that can be saved from suicide is a definitely a great way to change the world.

My fundraising page

Some of my thoughts on depression and suicide:
10 Things To Know About Depression (this is a two part post - part 1 and part 2)
Understanding More About Suicide

Join in the Five Minute Friday fun and link up at Kate Motaung's blog!

Understanding More About Suicide

The walk that I am doing this June is called the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk. It will begin with an opening ceremony around dusk and then the walkers walk a route of 16-18 miles through the darkness (I'm sure the route will be lit in some way for visibility) and into the dawn. Since this is a walk that is to raise funds for suicide prevention, I think the idea of walking overnight is a brilliant one.

Out of the darkness.

That is so very much what it feels like when you get to the other side of a suicidal episode and you find a little bit of something to hold onto again. What most people don't know about suicide is that when a person is actively suicidal, the window of time when they are feeling that way is relatively narrow. If they can find the help they need to get through that narrow window, the chances for their survival are much greater. They are able to come out of the darkness and hold onto the light for another day.