Stumbling Through (Introduction)

"Jesus teaches us another way: Go out. Go out and share your testimony, go out and interact with your brothers, go out and share, go out and ask. Become the Word in body as well as spirit." 
            -- Pope Francis

The Great Commission at the end of Matthew has Jesus sending out the apostles, telling them to baptize and make disciples of all men. Part of making disciples is sharing the gospel message with others. There are, of course, many ways to share the gospel message but one of the most powerful is by sharing your testimony -- the story of your life and the impact of the gospel on your life -- with others. I am under no illusions that what I am about to share over the next 31 days is going to transform anyone's life, at least not through my words alone. I share this with the intention of trying to shed light on a difficult subject and perhaps help someone else along the way.

I call this 31 day long writing experiment "Stumbling Through" because I feel very much like it is descriptive of what I'm writing about and how it may wind up being written. I am going to be stumbling along as I write and share my heart on the subject of depression. It is a deeply personal thing for me and has been a struggle for me throughout most of my life. In fact, at the moment that I write this, it is something I am battling and have been for many months now. I could take you back to the very beginning of my journey, but what I really want to focus on during this challenge is my current struggle. It may sound strange to write about the journey of depression while one is still walking that path, but it is something that I think may be helpful to me even if no other soul reads these words. I will warn you up front that there may be times it is difficult for me to write, but I am committing to this and will do my utmost to honour that commitment. If you are on this journey with me right now, please know that there may be times when it is best for you to step away and not read. I will endeavour to tag posts that may be a trigger for some people.

I want to thank all of you who are reading and will read as I write through this. God bless you.

The Momma

Before I Begin

As I have mentioned recently, I am about to take up a 31 day long challenge for the month of October. I don't know exactly where it's going to lead, so I've titled my effort "31 Days Stumbling Through." I have an idea of where I want to go with this, but I'll be honest, I'm scared. It's going to involve a lot of courage to actually make myself write about this and some wisdom to know how best to write the words. I suppose the only way to begin this journey of 31 days is with the first step, so here I am doing some stretches, trying to work up my nerve, taking some deep breaths, and getting my initial thoughts in some semblance of order.

Stretch. Exhale. Bend. Inhale. Stretch. Exhale. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Deep breath.

Begin.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will write my proper introduction as I prepare to begin the 31 days on Wednesday, October 1st.

Silence and Retreat

I have no real wisdom to share today. Actually, I'm finding it really difficult to say much of anything to anyone today. I've been in one of those moods where I didn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone or have them talking to me. I woke up in that mood and have been unable to shake it all day long. Gray could tell that I needed some alone time, so he very graciously looked after the kids when we got home from church so that I could sequester myself in our bedroom and just be alone to read or nap or whatever. I wound up doing a bit of both. To be honest, I'm not sure it helped all that much. The nap wasn't very restful and I just found myself grumpy and annoyed with everything once I emerged from the confines of our bedroom.

I have more than a good idea of what is going on, but that is a completely different post from this one. To put it simply, it's complicated. One thing I will say is that this isn't a new thing. I sometimes crave silence and alone time. My personality type is extroverted but I suspect I tend toward the lower end of the extroversion scale. I love talking with people and being social for the most part, but when I've been around a lot of people (like a party or other gathering) or if I've been forced to be more sociable than normal for a period of several days in a row, I wind up needing to recharge my batteries by having some serious alone time. If I ignore this need, I wind up very irritable and disagreeable with everyone, no matter what they've done or haven't done and even the tiniest of things can set me off. Today was very close to one of those days. Thankfully, Gray knows this about me and he can sort of read the signs. The silence (furthered by wearing my earbuds to block out extraneous noise) and solitude of our bedroom today helped some, but to be very honest, I need more. I really need some time away from my regular life and responsibilities so that I can refill all my tanks, get some good rest, and try to reset myself so I can be a better momma to our girls and a better wife to Gray. My listening friend, Pendragon, has said that I need to do this for quite some time now and has encouraged me to try to figure out how to do it, but I just don't know how it's going to happen. I just know that it needs to happen before too much longer.

Saturday Dreaming

I don't know exactly what to write today. It has been a mostly quiet day. We ran a couple of errands this morning and Gray mowed the grass this afternoon while the big girls played quietly inside and the littlest one took her afternoon nap. Despite being completely knackered after mowing the lawn, Gray got in the kitchen and whipped up some of his wonderful chicken quesadillas for dinner. I know he was tired and didn't probably feel like it, but he's didn't complain. He's did what he does so very well -- take care of all of us, including me. I have been fighting a headache most of today and a less than stellar mood.

Five Minute Friday: Because

I am staring at the prompt for today and suddenly find myself at a loss for words. I think it might be best to plunge ahead anyway and just start writing. I don't know exactly what will come out of this because honestly, everything in my head is really muddled right now. I can make a list of things though and maybe that is the best thing to do.

Because I look at their three little faces each day, so full of promise and light and life and joy...
Because every time I look down at my left hand, I am reminded of my promise, made almost a year ago...
Because I have put one foot in front of the other for so long, what's another step?
Because this is hard, but He gave it all for me and His pain was harder than mine will ever be...
Because despite my doubts, anger, frustration, and all the raw, soul deep pain, I know somewhere, even if only in my subconscious that things shift and even though the light fades today, it may be lit tomorrow anew.
Because although sometimes it is so very very hard, a part of me whispers that it will be worth the struggle...
Because I am supported by the prayers of Gray, Sif, Chez, Rikert, and so many others...
Because, to quote Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen, "Life is worth living."

Ave Maria, ora pro nobis!

Big Block Sing Song

Yes, my kids probably watch too much TV sometimes, but we do try to keep a close rein on what they are watching and limit them to a couple of channels that are pretty safe. One of those is DisneyJr. I like that channel because there's a wide variety of different programs (although they sometimes seem to run marathons if you look at the schedule) and they don't really run commercials per se. One of the things they used to show a good bit between the various shows were these little animated shorts called Big Block Sing Song. They last about a minute to ninety seconds and they feature a rectangular block shaped character with a face and arms and legs who sings a little song about something. My big girls have long since loved these and find some of them hysterical (the one called "Moose" really is funny), but our youngest, Miss GB has discovered the joys of the Big Block Sing Song and it is really fun to watch her belly laugh at one in particular. I took a video of her giggling with her sisters this afternoon. Here's the video they were watching:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bap_sr7yHQ

Hope that provides a little giggle for you or someone little that you love :)

Wednesday Wisdom