Day Thirty-one (extra content) -- Five Minute Friday: Leave

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved!

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I have started this Five Minute Friday post four times now. Nothing quite sounds right when I type it. Leave. Time to take my leave of this subject of depression? I'm leaving this here for a while? Going to leave and take a break? Nah, none of them sound right.

So here I am, grasping at straws as I type furiously for five minutes. Perhaps I'm not meant to really compose a coherent thought on leaving. Maybe that is what I need to leave alone. I don't know.

Life this month has been a crazy mad whirlwind of words and activities as October always is and I am, in some ways, glad to leave it behind with the flip of the calendar into November. This time of year is always busy but with this 31 Days blog challenge, this month has been especially so. I kinda wish I could leave home for a few days and go have a rest and retreat. All while I've been writing about depression and the darkness and difficult of my journey through it, I've been working behind the scenes to try and figure out a way to leave my responsibilities behind for a while and get some decent rest. I've tried to figure out how to have a retreat, but nothing seems to be working out for me to leave home and recharge my batteries.

Throughout this journey that I've been on, I have earnestly fought against the urge to leave for good. That is the thing about depression. You want it to end and sometimes the only thing that seems like it will work is to leave life altogether. I've had those thoughts a couple of times this month as I've been writing all of this. It isn't that you want to leave. You just want the pain to leave. Thankfully, I am in a better place with regard to that kind of leaving now than I was a year ago. Yes, I still struggle with it, but I am less desirous of taking that kind of leave.

For now, I will leave this subject and go take a nap. Tonight is Halloween after all and we will leave our house to go out trick-or-treating, so I need to be ready and rested. Ciao amici!

Click here to read other Five Minute Friday posts and here for more information on FMF!

Day Thirty-one: We've Done the Impossible...

I began this 31 Days series with the idea of telling the story of my journey through depression and maybe helping provide some insight and education along the way, but what happened is that I stumbled.

I knew I would.

It's why I gave my series the title "Stumbling Through." I know myself well enough to know that I stumble a lot. The thing about depression is that it provides so many more opportunities to stumble through life, so when I was searching for an appropriate title, it seemed only fitting. The other thing about stumbling is that sometimes you catch yourself and sometimes you fall. I have, thanks to Gray and Pendragon, caught myself most of the time through this journey, but I have fallen too. I haven't really talked here on my blog about how I have fallen, but suffice to say that I've fallen hard enough that it put me behind schedule and very nearly made me stop altogether.

Trying out this Bloglovin' Thing

Apparently to claim your blog you have to do this whole copy and paste code thingie. So here's mine. Go follow me on Bloglovin! And if you do, comment below and I'll add you to my blog feed there too! 

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Day Thirty (part 2): Swingin' and Swayin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas

Note: This is a continuation of a 2 part entry. To read part one, please click here. To read the entire 31 Days series, just click on the tab above.

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Later that day, Balinda and I go fabric shopping at my favourite shop and a couple of others and by the time we are done, it is almost dark. We stop at a local grocery store and pick up provisions for making tacos for dinner, but for me, tacos will have to wait until much, much later. I have plans with Sarah and my other sister in law, Olivia (who is married to Gray's little brother Andrew) to make good on my desire from earlier this summer when I was at the beach. I am going to get a tattoo. I have been thinking about this ever since this summer and the idea just won't leave me alone. I've looked at designs and local shops back home, but haven't done it yet. I know what I want and even have a picture on my phone of it but that's as far as I've gotten until now. Tonight, we are all going to get inked. Both Sarah and Olivia already have tattoos but they are eager to get another one and to come with me for my first one.

Day Thirty (part 1): Swingin' and Swayin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas

It is a few days before Christmas and we are in a hotel room somewhere in Virginia. Everyone is asleep except me. I am sitting here, trying to relax a bit, but struggling with it. Today has been a long day, but a good one. We left home early this morning and have driven all day, stopping as necessary for bathroom breaks, food, and gas for the van and we are finally here for the night. Tomorrow we'll start early again and should arrive at my in-laws' house by 5 or 6pm at the latest. Tonight we celebrated M2's 7th birthday with pizza from the local chain restaurant, cupcakes (one of which had 7 tiny candles in it!), and presents for the birthday girl. She is delighted with the excitement of celebrating her birthday in a hotel room and enjoying pizza and cupcakes in her new pajamas. AB was pretty delighted with the prospect of all the celebrations even though it wasn't her birthday. There is something kind of fun about being on a road trip and I have enjoyed it thus far myself.

M2 with her birthday cupcakes

Day Twenty-nine: Night of Silence

"Cold are the people/Winter of life/We tremble in shadows/This cold endless night/Frozen in the snow lie roses, sleeping/Flowers that will echo the sunrise/Fire of hope is our only warmth/Weary, its flame will be dying soon." -- from Night of Silence by Daniel Kantor

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Thanksgiving has passed and for the first time in my life, I have not been with any extended family. Because of this, the preparation for Thanksgiving dinner has fallen completely to me. I have never done this before, but have manage to pull it off with a precooked ham, boxed stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, store bought rolls, and a homemade pumpkin pie. It takes a lot of planning and a fair amount of effort on the day of, but everything comes out really tasty and is well-received by everyone, even my sometimes unpredictably picky big girls. It is the first time in a long time that I've felt a bit more like myself. Even so, I find that the effort of cooking and baking drains me and I am much more irritable than I have any right to be. 

Day Twenty-eight: Adrenaline

Note: This is a continuation of a 2-part entry and is a continuation of my story. Please click here for part one. To read the entire 31 Days series, just click on the tab above to access the index page for the series or click here to go straight to Day One.

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The next day I awaken and the dark fog is still there. The emotional anguish is still very present and this despite Gray having stayed home from work to make sure I am safe and his allowing me to sleep in as late as I like. I just don't want to endure this anymore. I fight with this darkness all day long while the big girls are at school and when Gray goes to pick them up from school, it is all I can do to not get in the other car and leave. Instead, I lay in our bed and go back to sleep. Pendragon calls, as promised, a little while after the girls are in from school. I tell him that I am still struggling with suicidal thoughts and urges and I just don't want to do this anymore. We have an appointment the next evening and he asks if I think I will be okay until then. I answer honestly that I don't really know, but maybe. I tell him that I am still struggling with wanting to leave but that I'm fighting it. He asks if I think I need to see him this evening instead of waiting until our appointment. Even though good sense would say, yes, I do need it, I find myself telling him that I will wait. I am not thinking clearly or I would have been more honest with him, but I don't even realise how bad it is.