Five Minute Friday: Break

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I need a break.

I'd like to believe that I could take one, but life as an adult doesn't often offer us a chance to take breaks. The constant stream of responsibilities that we face seem to take up all our available time and then there are the things we must do like eating and sleeping and bathing that take up the rest. Vacations are a wonderful thing, but I never quite seem to get one. But oh, how I need one!

One of my favourite places to vacation -- the beaches of the Gulf Coast. Emerald and sapphire waters, sugar white sand beaches, an abundance of fresh seafood, warm breezes and lots of sunshine....so wonderful...*sigh*

I need a break -- a real significant break of about a year or more -- from this episode of depression too. What I'd really like is an end to it. Actually, a break that is the length I would like would signal an end to it, but again, I don't think that's in the cards. Instead, I make do with little tiny breaths of peace, warm fuzzies, and moments of contentment. I try to use those to sustain me when the darkness gets dark and threatens to close in ever tighter around me.

A momentary diversion from depression -- a warm chocolate brownie dessert with salted caramel sauce from Firebirds. Had one of these for the first time this past Saturday with Gray. It was so good, I might have heard an angelic chorus singing...

I need a break from this spiritual dry spell too. I'm not asking for lots of signs and wonders or even some dramatic mountaintop experience -- just something to know that He is there. Some kind of sign of His presence that is more than just the cerebral knowledge that He is with me as I walk through my days and nights.

What I am yearning for is a break from this heart feeling that He has abandoned me and left me for dead here on earth, that I am alone in this sojourn that I walk until I reach the moment when my life ends and I face Him. I know in my head that He is with me, but I ache for a moment when my heart feels what my head knows.

The Hand of God by Rodin -- I have often wished that the hand of God would reach down and touch me in a way I could really feel, but for the moment, that doesn't appear to be His will for me.

The reality is that this lack of a break is something I must accept because, it would appear, it is my cross.

Fr. B. said last night at Mass that we must all embrace our cross. The only way to salvation and eternal life is to embrace the cross because it is only through the cross (not around it, above it, below it or ignoring it) that we find our way to heaven. As he said, "all the saints have done it." In my heart, I know Fr. B. is right.

Rejecting the cross because I want happiness or peace or comfort isn't what God wants for me. Those are not the end goals for a Christian. Happiness isn't a bad thing, but holiness is our goal.  If that means He asks me to carry a cross, I must do it or else find that at the end of the race, I have lost the prize.

Pope Francis venerates the cross on Good Friday. The practice of venerating the cross is a reminder to us that we must embrace the cross that we are given. It is also a reminder to us that we ought to cherish the cross of Christ because it is by that cross that Christ's sacrifice opened the doors to eternal life for all of mankind.

Somehow, I have to find a way past this need and desire for a break -- whether from my day to day responsibilities, from my depression, or from my spiritual desert -- because those are all crosses of a kind. To embrace my cross is to embrace Him crucified and to decrease while I allow Him to increase. It is to preach "Christ and Him crucified" with my actions and my life. It is to understand that for me, my break -- as much as it pains me to admit this -- comes not in this life, but in the next. To that end, I must, as my friend Chez says, keep putting one foot in front of the other, cooperating with the graces He gives me, and bear this cross with perseverance and an eye on the end goal.

What better thing can I do to show my love for Him?

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Join the Five Minute Friday fun at Kate Motaung's blog!

Wednesday Wisdom - March 25, 2015

Because it's Wednesday on the week before Holy Week and my allergies are kicking my butt which means I'm heavily medicated and having difficulty stringing a thought or three together, here are a few memes, funny and wise to get you through Hump Day :) Enjoy!

#firstworldproblems

Or to quote Adam Savage: "I reject your reality and substitute my own!"

This is my sick twisted sense of humour peeking through.... :)

Sometimes you want to be held and sometimes not. Chocolate is always a good idea though!

From the new live-action version of Cinderella that just came out. Such a great message!

And often what is easy is not what is right. #lifelessons

The Doctor is funny, but after over 900 years of life, he also has moments of being very, very wise. 

Not funny or wise, but appropriate for March 25th. Happy Feast of the Annunciation! (Luke 1:26-38)

Update: Follow and Write

Do you ever find yourself wondering what on earth you were thinking when you made a particular decision? 

Maybe you are in the midst of planning something or in the thick of putting those plans into action and you hit a major snag that throws everything out of joint. 

Don't you hate it when this happens? Maybe snags in hosiery is why the bare legged look is more en vogue these days. I still like the look of pantyhose, but don't wear them except in certain very rare situations because they're hot!

Maybe everything is going along well, without a hitch, and suddenly life not only hands you lemons but starts throwing them at you and you realize that you've totally forgotten the recipe for lemonade.

St. Patrick's Day and How I Got My Tattoo

St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, the Archdiocese of New York and engineers.

Most people think of St. Patrick's Day as a day when people drink green beer, wear green, and claim Irish ancestry -- whether or not they have it. It is often seen as an excuse to party and act a little crazy. I'll admit, that it is fun to have a party on St. Patrick's Day, but the day is more than that. Like St. Valentine's Day, it began as a Catholic feast day to honour a saint -- in this case, St. Patrick. A feast day, in this sense, has to do with a special day set aside by the Catholic Church to celebrate a particular saint. Of course, many Catholics do feast in the common sense of the word and eat special foods that are associated with that saint or have a party with friends and family on the day as a part of their celebrations, but the reason they celebrate in the first place is because of the saint whose feast day it happens to be. Just so with St. Patrick.

7 Quick Takes Friday - March 13, 2015

I've seen this link up for ages now and have always thought it looked like a fun one. I thought I'd give it a go today. If you want to join me with your own 7 Quick Takes, you can link up at This Ain't The Lyceum.

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1. It's Friday and it's Lent, so that means it's a meatless/fish only day. Normally we do fish (and we may do that tonight) but since I like to pretend I'm a domestic diva and that I might actually make some amazing meatless meal for my family, I enjoy looking at recipes. I found a list of 29 meatless meals at Buzzfeed that included several whose pictures made my mouth water.  Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese? Yes, please!

Here's the link to the recipe for the above gorgeousness: Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese

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2. Part of breaking the stigma of mental illness is changing the way we understand what mental illness is. For so long, these illnesses have been seen as something entirely different from any other bodily illness, simply because their source is in the brain. It is as though our brains are somehow not connected to the rest of us. Mental illness is just that -- illness. It needs to be viewed like any other illness so that there is no shame associated with having one or being treated for it. Think of it this way: you wouldn't think twice about seeing your doctor regularly for treatment of diabetes or be ashamed that you were undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. So it needs to be with mental illness. I saw this link via a friend on Facebook and I think it captures perfectly this idea: 

"I wear glasses. Could I manage without glasses? Yes, probably. I could squint a lot..."

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3. It just opened today (March 13th), but I can't wait to take my two big girls to go see this! I wasn't sure if it was going to be an appropriate adaptation for their ages (8 and 7), but after seeing a review from a friend who has a little girl their age and reading this review by Decent Films reviewer Steven Greydanus, this looks like one that will be a fun, entertaining, and family friendly good time. By the way, Steven Greydanus does good work with his website. He is Catholic and sometimes his reviews reflect that, but mostly, his movie reviews will give you a good idea of whether or not something is worth seeing and will definitely tell you if a so-called "family film" is worthy of the moniker. Plus, he's an all-around, genuinely nice guy (I met him once and had a great conversation about family and entertainment).

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4. I know I'm a little bit late in this, but because I am and always will be, a sci-fi geek, a little tribute to the late great Leonard Nimoy with some help from the next generation represented by Zachary Quinto. Rest in peace, Mr. Nimoy. #LLAP:

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5. The Village Chocolate Shoppe in Bennington, VA decided to try and break a Guinness World Record for the largest peanut butter cup, so they made one that was 230 pounds!!! Even better than the gigantic size and potential record breaking is the fact that once all the measurements were made, it was cut up and sold in pieces with the profits benefiting Project Against Violent Encounters, a charity which offers support and help to victims of domestic and sexual violence. Here's a picture, courtesy of Time.com, of the behemoth confection:

230 pounds of chocolate and peanut butter -- yes, please!!

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6. Gray shared this with me earlier in the week and it made me belly laugh. Even now, it still elicits a giggle. I love stuff that repeatedly makes me laugh. Laughter is helpful medicine for many ills. Without further ado.....*giggles*.....

*snort...giggle...snort....heeheehee...*

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7.  In case you haven't noticed, I love to share a good laugh. If you've never gone and read anything at Hyperbole and a Half, you absolutely owe it to your funny bone to go read. Allie Brosh is a genius and if her stories from her childhood with their accompanying drawings don't make you laugh, you might need a humor infusion. I mean, look at her blog header. How could you not love this?

L-R: The Alot, Simple Dog, Helper Dog, and the author

She also writes with a lot of bravery, honesty, and of course, humor about her struggles with depression (those posts have funny pictures too!). You can find those two posts here and here. My favourite posts of hers are:  

The God of Cake 

This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult (where her illustration about ALL the things comes from!) 

The Alot is Better Than You at Everything 

and Sneaky Hate Spiral.

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Don't know if I'll manage to do this blog linkup every week, but I'm going to try! See you next week (hopefully)!

Five Minute Friday: Plan

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

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I've been planning this for a good year. It's not a wedding or the birth of a child. It's something altogether different. I suppose planning might be stretching it just a little bit. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've been discerning it for a year. I finally made my decision in February and I am so glad I did.

You see, I've been planning to take a walk.

It's a walk of 16-18 miles, done all during the night -- a walk through the darkness. In fact, it is called the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk. It's to raise funds for suicide prevention and awareness about this important cause. It's to give a voice to those who are struggling and to those who are grieving. It's to lend support and care to those who need it -- be they suicidal or bereaved over someone they have lost because of suicide. It is for my own healing.

You see, for me, the struggle is real. I've been to the edge. I've been afraid to ask for help. I've been afraid to admit how much I wanted to die. I've been afraid to admit that I was struggling with debilitating depression in the first place. It's not just a reality that i've struggled, but a recent reality -- like in the last two years. Over the course of the last two years I have been to this darkest of places many, many times. Thankfully, I have had the support of family, friends, and my therapist to bring me back to a place where death was not so much, to quote Hamlet, "a consummation devoutly to be wished."

David Tennant as Hamlet -- Go watch the famous soliloquy here. He is amazing.

So many sojourns through such a miry and dark place have left bruises, deep wounds, and even scars on my spirit that will take not only time, but action to heal. For me, part of that action is this walk and there is a part of this walk that I did not plan. When I go up to Boston and put my feet to the pavement in the middle of the night, I will be walking into the dawn of the 2nd anniversary of my own near suicide attempt. When I decided to do this, I knew the date was in June but never realized that it was exactly the same date. I think this was a God plan because there's no way I could have planned it.

Some are not so well supported.
Some are even more afraid than I.
Some who struggle don't know where to turn for help even if they get over their fears.

That is why I am planning to take this walk.

For those who have yet to break their silence. For those who need a helping hand. For me as I journey my own road of recovery.

So my plan is this -- to walk through the night and into the dawn of a new day.
-- to continue to raise funds for my participation in this walk
(please click the previous sentence if you'd like to donate -- any amount is so helpful and so very appreciated!)
-- to do my utmost to get stronger through activities like this walk alongside my therapy and other resources

-- to do my part to help others help themselves.

Join the Five Minute Friday fun and link up your post at Kate Motaung's blog!

Daybook Online Journal -- Week of March 10, 2015 (late)

Welcome to my weekly Tuesday post where I remember the ups and downs and big and little things of daily life for me and my family. I call it my Daybook Online Journal and it's an idea I found via fellow blogger Jenny at her blog, The Littlest Way. Thanks for the inspiration, Jenny! The prompts are a combination of several I've found as I've been researching this particular way of chronicling daily life. Come on in and reflect with me!

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Outside my window... It's rather overcast today as it's been really rainy in the last 24 hours and the rain isn't quite gone. Not weather related, but the last couple of days have seen some random flocks of birds descend into our yard. Lots of twittering and tweeting sounds from the trees and bushes. Yesterday it was a really neat sound mixed with the gently falling rain.

 

Highlights from the week... 

• This week I shared my heart and my struggles with major depression and suicidal thinking with a much wider audience. I broke my 25+ years of silence by posting about it publicly on this blog and then sharing it with a very wide audience. I invited others to share my post and the response was overwhelming. I have no idea how many people have shared it, but based on Facebook's stats, as of the writing of this, it has reached 1,538 people. I am so humbled that it has made such an impact and I hope it will continue to do so.
• Unfortunately, Gray got my upper respiratory bug. He started feeling poorly toward the weekend and wound up going to the urgent care clinic on Sunday to get checked. Thanks to some medications and decent rest, I'm happy to report that he's doing better as of the writing of this, although still feeling a bit on the tired side.
• Our littlest bear, GB, is another story. As I type this, she is snuggled up next to me on the couch and feels a touch on the warm side. She went to the doctor yesterday because I suspected she was not well and it turns out she has an ear infection. She got some antibiotics, but I have a feeling it's going to be another day before she's feeling more like herself. Poor little dear!
• M2 and AB had Monday off from school and it also happened to be the day before my birthday, so we (along with GB) met up with my mom for breakfast and a day of shopping and fun together. 
• Got a few new items for my wardrobe which was a very good thing as it's been looking pretty ragged and thin of late. My favourite is a really fun retro sort of swing dress that is a baby pink with tiny black polka dots and a matching black lace trim that is attached to the skirt lining and peeks out from beneath the skirt hem. It's so cute! I also got a few tops -- one of which is this really pretty teal blue floral print that looks fabulous with black slacks or jeans.
• My new tea maker from Teavana and the tea I bought to go with it -- YUM! This was my birthday present to myself and I can already tell it's going to be something I use almost daily.

 

 This week I am thankful for...

• The overwhelmingly positive response to my Breaking My Silence post about my struggles with major depression and suicidal thinking. I cannot express how grateful I am that so many people shared this with others and the way this post has already reached a number of people. My prayer is that God will continue to use it to help others.
• Modern medicine -- yet again. The older I get, I think the more thankful for this I am. I include in this not only diagnostics and pharmaceutical medicines, but also mental health care.
• Email -- for allowing me a way to keep in touch with certain people and also as a means of setting up appointments, meetings, and fun times.
• The vast expanse of the internet. I received some more detailed information this week about exactly where the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk will start in Boston and the hotel that we get a discount on if we stay there. I was instantly able to look up the location, the hotel, and a whole host of other information on the area. I've also been using it lately to check rates for flights and do comparisons between originating cities and different carriers.
• The Voxer app -- something I really enjoy using to chat with my friends Jae and T. 
• The ladies in my online NFP group who have been such good friends to me for almost a decade. I love all these ladies for so many reasons and feel so blessed to be part of this community and even more blessed to have met quite a few of them in person. I can't wait for the next retreat in 2016!!! :)
• Five Minute Friday -- both the #fmfparty on Twitter on Thursday nights and the community as a whole -- lots of inspiration, support, and just great folks all the way around. 

Praying for...

• For all those who are participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight Walks in Dallas and Boston -- for their fundraising efforts, training, and the people who will benefit from their support for this cause. I am so blessed to be a part of the Boston walk this June!
• My friend P's husband B who has been in and out of the hospital with sepsis and a badly infected leg. She has been through the mill with hospitals not giving good care and has been dealing with her hubby's illness on top of caring for her three kids.
• My friend A's son L who had an accident at home recently and is now having some scary medical issues.
• My friend Jae and her needs
• My bestie Sif and her new situation and rejoicing with her over WonderBoy's recent achievements.
• For M2 as she continues to prepare for her First Holy Communion and in thanksgiving for her joy over receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time (and again a second time this past weekend at her request!).
• For Gray's and GB's health as they continue to recover from their illnesses.
• For all those who are being persecuted for their faith, especially for those who are facing certain death for their beliefs.
• For a good and holy Lent for all those who are in the midst of it and preparing for Easter and in particular, for those who are preparing to be received into the Catholic faith at the Easter Vigil.

 Reading...

• Today's daily Mass readings -- Deuteronomy 4:1, 5-9; Psalm 147; Matthew 5:17-19
  
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling -- continuing my re-read
• The Secret History of the Pink Carnation by Lauren Willig 

Listening to...

• Called to Communion and Open Line podcasts on the EWTN Radio app
• Gently falling rain outside 
• My baby girl's soft snores

I am learning... to be totally open and honest about my struggles with depression and suicidal thinking and that it's okay to do so.

 

My favourite quote of the week...

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always...so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

-- from Life of Pi by Yann Martel 

 Picture of the week... 

This is a picture of my new tea maker. Well, this isn't my actual tea maker, but a picture I found online of it. I bought it at our local Teavana for my birthday along with some Blueberry Kona Pop tea (SO tasty iced!). I've used it twice so far and absolutely love it. It makes tea making dead simple. Just add tea and your choice of sweetner to the mug and pour hot/boiling water over it. Allow time to steep and when it's reached the desired strength, sit it atop your favourite cup or glass and the tea streams out of the bottom of the brew mug. I foresee a lot more tea in my future!

 

See you next week!!