A Final Update on Write and Follow

It's just a few hours until the new year begins here and on that note, I thought I'd do a little year-end wrap up and reflection. Last year at this time, I was trying to figure out (as I am now) my "word" for the year. The idea is that you take that word as a kind of reminder to yourself of something you want to do or achieve in the next year or as a reminder of a goal you've been working toward or perhaps something you need to do in order to better yourself. I noodled over it for several days prior to December 31, 2014 and finally came up with my first of what would be two words for 2015:

My goal with this word was to encourage myself to write in this blog and elsewhere more often. In August of 2014, I started this blog anew with the aim of trying to help myself with my depression. I had a goal back then that I was going to write at least some little something each day so that I could develop a habit of writing. Well, that didn't exactly pan out, but through that goal, I found the Write 31 Days challenge in late September and participated in it throughout the month of October. I wrote for 31 days straight about my journey through the darkness of depression and while it wasn't the easiest thing for me to do, it wound up being helpful both in my therapy sessions (gave me and Pendragon lots to write about) and outside the therapy sessions as I mulled over different things and tried to process more deeply some of my experiences.

As 2014 drew to a close, I realized that all that writing had been really beneficial to my mental health in a number of ways. That was one of the biggest reasons that I was drawn to the word "write" as my word for 2015. I wanted to keep that momentum going. I also began sensing that the direction of my blog was changing a bit to encompass more than just my Catholic faith and my vocation of marriage and motherhood. I wanted to continue to talk about mental health topics and even explore my own experiences with depression and PTSD in the hope that it might help others understand those things a bit more. So last New Year's Eve as I was going through the day, I was more or less settled on that word.

And then we went to Mass for the Vigil of the Solemnity of Mary the Mother of God and the Holy Spirit threw a cog into my perfect little plan to focus on "write."

As we sat there in Mass and listened to the pastor's homily, he spoke about how Mary had followed God's plan for her and been totally submissive to His desire that she become the Mother of the Word Incarnate. When he said that, the word "follow" jumped out at me. For the rest of Mass, I couldn't get it out of my head. My heart has always been to follow God wherever He leads and to pursue Him with everything in me, but the past almost 3 years have been beyond hard. They have shaken my faith to its very core. 

My faith has been stripped bare of everything that made me comfortable in it -- joy, hope, purpose, emotional closeness, awe and wonder, inspiration, peace, strength -- all of it. All that was left to me was cold, naked words of scripture, the tenets and requirements of my faith, the traditions of the Church, and a particular grace of an obedient heart (which I didn't see for a long time as anything worth celebrating or being grateful for). I felt abandoned by God and I was fiercely angry with Him for a very long time. By the end of 2014 though, after almost 2 years of this, I knew that I needed to start taking responsibility for finding my way back to God.

When I heard the pastor say "follow" I knew that I couldn't ignore the nudge in my spirit. So despite having already chosen "write" I began to consider that maybe I needed to choose "follow" as my word. I wrestled with it until about 10:30pm that night when I finally gave in and said, "Okay God." That crazy grace of obedience just won't leave me alone! As I acquiesced to the Holy Spirit, I felt a bit sad to leave "write" by the wayside. I thought for a moment that perhaps I'd just resolve to write more anyway and then it hit me: I didn't have to give up "write" as a word for 2015. I could have two words! I admit it might have been a little crazy to take on two words, but I just knew that it was exactly right for me.

So how did those two words work out?

Well, not too badly, I think. I had wanted to write at least 1-3 blog posts each week and while there were some weeks that I didn't even make 1 post, as of the publishing of this post, I'll have 74 posts this year and that works out to 1.5 or so per week AND I managed to write at least 1 post each month. That may not sound like a lot, but that's much more consistent than I've ever been with writing, so way to go me!

As for follow, that one took a bit longer to get rolling with in 2015. I continued to do what I had been doing with regard to going to Mass and confession, but over the spring and summer months, I upped the ante a bit. Our long time family friend, Fr. B, was moved to a parish closer to us (he had previously been almost a 2 hour drive away) and we visited him some in the spring time and then began going there almost exclusively over the summer. When we first visited him, he sensed that I wasn't myself and told me to email him and we'd get together and talk. That was the beginning of several meetings which led to him becoming my spiritual director.

He and I would talk for a bit and then pray together. Many times he would pray over me -- prayers of deliverance, praying the Psalms, or just spontaneous prayer that pretty much always reduced me to a sobbing mess. Our meetings almost always included a chance for me to receive the graces of the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession), the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick, and the Holy Eucharist as well. Finally, as my penance he would assign me the task of going over to the church (we always started in his office in the rectory) and spending some time there alone in the presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The first time he assigned me that penance, he said, "It doesn't have to be long, just 10-15 minutes. However long you can stay. Stay as long as you want." That very first time I wound up there for an entire hour before I realized that much time had passed. I spent that hour in silent prayer, crying, singing hymns, sobbing as I lay prostrate before the altar, praying and begging Him to heal me, crying some more, and finally pulling myself together before leaving the church.

After each of those meetings and my time alone (always an hour, sometimes nearly two) with Jesus, I would find myself feeling exhausted and just spent, but strangely more at peace than I had been before I came. Little by little, I began to have tiny moments of feeling something other than the stark wasteland of nothingness that I had come to associate with my faith. It would be a brief moment at Mass or something that someone said or something I read that would touch me ever so briefly. These days I still feel that nothingness a lot and to be honest, I still feel angry at God at times (particularly when the dark menace of depression is heaviest), and I still cry buckets at Mass (did that tonight, actually), but something has shifted, albeit the tiniest bit; it is enough that I can sense the change. I can't quite articulate what is different or how it is, but I know that I feel a bit different this New Year's Eve with regard to my faith than I did last year. So that's progress and a very good thing indeed.

What about a word for 2016? 

Well, I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and there have been a few that have popped into my head. One of the biggest ones has been to do with my health. The things is, I'm way overweight for my height and age. Actually, quite truthfully, I am obese. I have been for years. Well, my sister-in-law has been on a quest for better health for herself this past year and she has really done well for herself. She's continuing in her quest to move more and eat healthy in the new year and has added the goal of quitting smoking (you can do it, sestra!!!) and I'm so excited for her. I know she's going to have another amazing year of achieving her goals and getting even more healthy.

To be honest, she's really inspired me to make some changes for myself. I may add things as the year goes along, but my biggest goal is going to be to move more -- specifically, to get myself walking on a regular basis. You may remember that I participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight walk in Boston this past summer. Well, it wasn't nearly as much fun for me as it could have been because I was really out of shape and unprepared going into it. This coming year I'm participating in the walk again. It's going to be in New York City! Woohoo! I have never been there and I'm looking forward to it, but I know I need to be in better shape and better prepared to actually do the work of the walking the 16-18 miles that it entails. So......without further ado, my NEW word for 2016 is.......

To be honest friends, that word is a little scary to me because of what it means to me. It means I've got to get off my duff and really start moving more. But what's a new year without new challenges or a goal or two, right? I also decided that I'm going to hold on to my words from 2015 for another year. I know, I know. You're probably not supposed to do that, but just like last year when I took on two words instead of one, I'm breaking the rules again this year. I'm keeping my old words. I'm just not ready to give up "write" or "follow" just yet. I feel like I have a lot more to do with those words and that a lot of it is going to be in this next year. Not entirely sure why I feel that way, but maybe it's the Holy Spirit? :) Anyhow, that brings my grand total for 2016 to THREE words. Holy cow! I may be a bit mental, but I really think that it's what I'm supposed to do. So, to recap....

Oh, and M2, who is sitting over my shoulder wants me to let you know that she was the one who had the idea for the word "Move" to be in a white font and for the background to be coloured instead of black and white like I had originally planned. I told her she ought to be a graphic designer because she has a good eye for colour and balance. Love that girl!

Advent series update

This month has flown by like a blink and despite all my best laid plans to do a series of Advent meditations, I only managed to eke out a grand total of 4 posts. Funny enough, when I had the idea to do this series, I wondered if it wouldn't be better to just do posts for each Sunday of Advent. Then I reasoned that if I kept things short, I should be able to churn out a little something each day.

I failed to remember just how busy of a month December can be. I don't know why I forgot this. It's not as though I haven't been through several Decembers in my life. I think I was just feeling overly ambitious! Whatever the reason, I think this year I have learned my lesson! If I decide to write on Advent next year, I'll confine it to Sundays. Y'all hold me to it, okay?

Christmas is almost upon us and the time for preparation of our hearts is almost at an end. Until Friday, we light our candles and wait beside the still empty manger, breathless with anticipation of the arrival of the Word Made Flesh who comes to dwell with us until the end of the age.

Meditating on Advent - Day 4

I'm a little behind because yesterday (12/2/2015) was a struggle with energy. My brain was so tired that I was having difficulty following discussions in a Facebook group I help administrate and during a thoughtful discussion my hubby and I were having after we got the girls to bed. I was sluggish and tired all day and just couldn't get it together. Anyhow, here's my thoughts on yesterday's gospel!

Yesterday's Gospel: Matthew 15:29-37

Jesus summoned his disciples and said, "My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, for they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, for fear they may collapse on the way." The disciples said to him, "Where could we ever get enough bread in this deserted place to satisfy such a crowd?"(verse 32-33)

In this season of Advent where we are waiting and preparing for the birth of Jesus at Christmas, we may find ourselves wondering amidst all this preparation if we will really make it to Christmas. We may wonder if there is any way we'll get it all done or worry that we're rushing through Advent without adequately preparing our hearts or we may have so much to do and places to go that we wonder if we'll get to Christmas without losing our minds altogether!

Here's the message: even while we are waiting and preparing for celebrating His birth, He is here with us even now. He is here and He is providing what we need. We are so much like the disciples, I think. They had no hope that there was any way that all these people would be able to be fed given the sheer number, lack of supplies, and deserted location. What's wild is that they even asked Jesus such a question. Verses 29-31 of this passage from Matthew show Jesus healing people of all kinds of ills and deformities. In fact, verse 30 says "great crowds came to him" and that "he cured them." The disciples had witnessed all these miracles and yet, they lost hope when it came to food.

Isn't that SO like us humans? We see all kinds of amazing things, but when we get hungry or tired or hot or cold, or inundated with too much to do, we lose hope that God is able to provide for those needs. I love the phrase that Shakespeare uses to describe all the frustrations of our earthly existence as "the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to." It's so true though, isn't it? This mortal life isn't an easy one and because of the sinful fallen nature we inherited from Adam and Eve, we sometimes lose sight of the fact that God doesn't just do amazing and fireworks-worthy miracles like curing an incurably blind person or turning several gallons of water into the best wine. He works smaller miracles in our everyday lives like giving us an extra push of energy when we think we have none left so that we can do what needs to be done or providing a friend to spend time with when we are feeling lonely and low or finding a sale on something so that we can give our children Christmas presents and still buy groceries to feed the family.

So when you get frustrated during this season of waiting and preparing, remember the feeding of the four thousand here in Matthew. Remember that even as we wait, He is here and He provides.

Meditating on Advent -- Day 3

Today's Gospel: Luke 10:21-24

"Turning to the disciples in private, he said, 'Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I say to you, many prophets and kings desired to see what you see, but did not see it, and to hear what you hear, but did not hear it.' " (verses 23-24)

Have you ever had difficulty seeing or hearing something? I know for me, seeing things is sometimes very difficult because I am severely nearsighted and have an astigmatism in both eyes. It's not normally a big deal though because I have glasses which correct my vision so that I can see clearly. In fact, those glasses are such a big help that I really only take them off when I sleep or when I'm going to shower. Without them, everything is fuzzy -- even if I squint. I am incredibly grateful that my glasses give me eyes to see clearly.

Seeing clearly what God wants me to see is sometimes more difficult. Some things are obvious. Seeing that He loves me, that I'm supposed to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that I'm supposed to love my neighbour as myself. Those are easiest to see because Scripture plainly spells those things out and all I need do is open my Bible and read. What is hard to see sometimes is how much God loves me and how best to love Him and my neighbour. Sometimes it's hard to see where He is leading me or what His plan is.

I think the reason for this is because I live in the world and I get distracted. Like right now as I'm writing this, my youngest GB is watching Go, Diego Go! on TV and as it's after 3pm, I know my two biggest girls will be getting off the bus soon and charging through the door. Those two things are a distraction to my focus on this blog post. Those are just the little things. The world is so full of problems and pain and I think we often get distracted by all the horrible heart-wrenching things going on and we lose our ability to see Him and to see what He wants us to see amid all the distractions.

One of the things that I think He wants us to see during this Advent is that we need to slow down and wait. Advent is a time of waiting, you know. It's so easy though to get distracted by all the Christmas decorations and lights going up around us, the shopping for presents, the cooking, the card writing, and all the many things we do to ready our homes and hearts for Christmas, that we lose sight of Advent altogether. We lose our ability to see the importance of waiting, anticipation, stillness, silence, and the darkness of the night that came before the dawn of the Incarnation. We are so preoccupied with "Away in a Manger" that we forget "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." 

Our modern need to make all of December into one big Christmas celebration blinds us to the disciplines of waiting and stillness and the joy that can be found in these things. There is a phrase that is part of the Liturgy of the Eucharist during the Mass which follows the Our Father that says: "As we await the blessed hope and coming of Our Saviour, Jesus Christ." In the context of the Mass, we are, of course, talking about the Second Coming, but I think it's appropriate in this season of Advent and something good to meditate on a bit. 

If we can stop a bit each day, slow down and still our minds, we can have our eyes opened anew to the joy that comes with waiting on the coming of the Word Incarnate. In these moments of reflection, we can have our vision restored so that we may see as the disciples did and hear His Voice calling us while we anticipate His arrival.

Meditating on Advent -- Day 2

Today's Gospel: Matthew 4:18-22

"As Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who is called Peter, and his brother Andrew, casting a net into the sea; they were fishermen."

Today is the Feast Day of St. Andrew the Apostle*, so we get a reading about his call to follow Jesus in today's Gospel. It's a short passage and doesn't tell us much about Andrew except that he was a fisherman and that, along with his brother Peter, he left his nets at once and followed Christ.

At once. I think that's really amazing. Can you imagine if you were just going about your day to day life, hard at work at your job and Jesus suddenly walks in the door and says, "Follow me"? I think most of us, if we're being honest, would say that we'd be shocked initially and then after a moment or two, we'd ask Jesus for a few minutes or hours or days to get our lives squared away before coming with Him. I'm a stay at home mom of three girls who need me to supervise them and help them with things all the time while my husband is away at work. If Jesus walked in and suddenly wanted me to come with, I think it would be awfully hard to go "at once" and not want to take some time to call someone to look after my kids, pack a bag, and get all the hugs and kisses I could before I left.

But that's what we're called to do, isn't it? Go when He calls us. He calls all of us in one way or another. My vocation -- or calling -- is to the married life and motherhood. Jesus called me to that when I was a small child. But just because I have accepted that calling and I've followed Him into it by marrying and having children doesn't mean that He ceases to call me. He continues to call me in my day to day life to die to myself and to love others more like He does. That's a hard one for me sometimes. He has also put in my heart a new calling in the past year and that's to educate others about mental illness and suicide prevention. To become an advocate for those who struggle to advocate for themselves and who don't know how to get the help they need. That calling has been a very hard one for me to accept and follow, but I'm doing my best.

I think a good thing to do as we go through this Advent season is ask Him anew to reveal to us how and where He is calling us, to look again at our current calling and seek ways we can better fulfill those callings in obedience to Him. In doing this, we continue the process of readying our hearts for the celebration of Christmas and we better prepare ourselves to be ready when He comes again.

How is He calling you to come and follow Him?

*Since today is St. Andrew's Feast day, I thought I'd include this little prayer for Advent that is often referred to as the Saint Andrew Christmas Novena. It's a prayer that is meant to focus our hearts on the coming of Christ at Christmas and to ask God to grant a particular request in honour of the birth of His Blessed Son. If you're interested in more information, click the link.

Hail and blessed be the hour and moment in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary, at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold. In that hour vouchsafe, O my God, to hear my prayer and grant my desires, through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ and of His Blessed Mother. Amen.

Meditating on Advent -- Introduction and Day 1

Technically speaking, Advent began yesterday, but as I only got this idea today, I hope you'll forgive me for not being super good at planning or getting my act together! I was thinking today about what I want to do for Advent and came across an idea that another blogger I know had about writing a little haiku each day to kinda help slow down and prepare our hearts for Christmas. This blogger is hosting it at her blog and even providing prompts too. I first thought, "hey, what a great idea! I should do that!" And then as I thought about it some more, I realised that given my verbosity, there would be almost no way I could restrict myself to a haiku. I mean, can you imagine me trying to do a short thought on Advent in 17 syllables? Eeek! Gives me anxiety just thinking about it, y'all!

So, no haiku for me. Instead, I'm going to take the idea of brief meditations and share briefly each day on the Gospel reading for that day. I tried to do this last year and it was an abysmal failure. I think it's because I'd just come off doing Write 31 Days in October and trying to keep writing a lot in November and didn't rest enough. This though, I should be able to do. Since I'm a bit behind, this will serve as both my introduction and my catch up from yesterday's Gospel.

Yesterday's Gospel: Luke 21:25-28, 34-36

"Be vigiliant at all times and pray that you have the strength to escape the tribulations that are imminent and to stand before the Son of Man."

I think this verse really sums up the entirety of the Christian life when it comes to what our purpose on earth truly is. Jesus tells us in Matthew's Gospel that the two greatest commandments are to love God and love our neighbour as ourselves (Matthew 22:36-40). Part of being vigilant so that we are ready "to stand before the Son of Man" when he comes again in glory is live our lives as though He is coming at any moment. Our entire purpose in life should be to follow those two greatest commandments so that when He comes again, we will be ready to stand before Him.

So why such a dark sounding passage during Advent? Well, it's simple really. Advent is a season of waiting and preparation for the birth of the newborn King. It is a time when we ready our hearts to once again come to the manger and adore Him. Likewise, it is also a time to prepare our hearts for His Second Coming -- or Advent -- when He will, as the passage from Luke says, come in a cloud with power and great glory.

At Christmas He is the Word Made Flesh and on that last day, He is the Risen and Glorified King of Kings who will put all His enemies under His feet. Our celebration of Advent is both preparation to celebrate His Incarnation and a reminder to ready ourselves for when He comes again.

Until tomorrow...

Five Minute Friday: Weary

This chapter of Psalms gets me every. single. time. It is SO true to the experience of despair and the weariness that comes from fighting a mental illness. It's one I have prayed many many times.

This isn't something that is easy for me to talk about and that's saying something. I talk about a lot of things on this blog that are universally considered hush-hush and things that are difficult at best to talk about with someone you trust -- much less publishing them for the entire world to see. The thing is though, if I don't talk about it, then the likelihood that someone else who is struggling with these things will start talking about it becomes less. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I like talking about depression, self-injury, PTSD, suicide, therapy, etc. It's that I need to talk about these things -- for myself and for the benefit of others who might need to hear it or find some solidarity in my words.

I have been kinda quiet with my writing of late and haven't participated in the Five Minute Friday community much at all in the last several weeks. Just haven't been able to summon the words to talk about bacon (gasp!) or dancing or anything else. This week's prompt though, just hit me where I live in a big way.

WEARY

There's a lot I could say about this word, but as I said, I need to say something that isn't easy for me to say, so here goes....

I struggle with suicide.