Psalm 7

This is an interesting one today. My subtitle reads: "A Plea for Help against Persecutors." It kinda made me stop and think about persecution in the psalmist's day and modern day persecution. In the psalmist's day, it was persecution from armies and governments and even occasionally very powerful individuals. In some parts of our modern world, things are not so different than in the psalmist's day. I'm thinking in particular of the Christians who have been martyred by the radical factions that seem to be taking over parts of the Middle East. I'm also thinking of those who have been enslaved for the sex trade or by drug traffickers. I also think of those who are being persecuted through the corruption of governments who would rather their people live in squalor and extreme poverty than do right by them.

By comparison, we in the western world suffer little to no persecution -- at least not by those of flesh and blood. Much of the persecution we face is from the evil one. He uses spiritual attacks and oppression, but the biggest and most effective tool that he has to persecute us is one that most people never consider -- us. He uses us against ourselves. He tempts us with promises of wealth, prosperity, safety, comfort, health, and freedom and he makes those things look very attractive to us. I think the psalmist was on to this idea:

O Lord my God, in You I take refuge; save me form all my pursuers, and deliver me, or like a lion they will tear me apart; they will drag me away, with no one to rescue. O Lord my God, if I have done this, if there is wrong in my hands, if I have repaid my ally with harm or plundered my foe without cause, then let the enemy pursue and overtake me, trample my life to the ground and lay my soul in the dust. (verses 1-5)

Do you notice how uncertain the psalmist is that he will be rescued? This isn't because he lacks trust in God. It's because he knows himself and knows that if he hasn't reconciled himself to God through the admission of his sins that his sinfulness will be turned against him. That's what we call letting Satan get a foothold. In the case of the psalmist, he's battling against flesh and blood, but he still acknowledges that holding onto sin and not repenting of it is just asking for trouble. In the next couple of verses, he begins his request, but once again, he acknowledges that sin and wickedness have no place with a follower of God and that God is just in His judgements:

The Lord judges the peoples; judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness and according to the integrity that is in me. (verse 8)

We wrestle with sin and wickedness every day and if we are honest with ourselves, we fail on a daily basis and often, we are not even aware of it. Why is that? It's because we all have our little pet sins. Things that we don't even think about as being sinful. Most of us can honestly say that we're not guilty of murder, but what about unwarranted anger or holding onto grudges against others? What about a little road rage? Ever lash out at someone online? No, none of these are murder, but they do fall under the heading of being uncharitable toward your neighbour. Jesus said that we're to love our neighbour as ourselves. Full stop, period. the end. He didn't put qualifiers on that command. He said love your neighbour and as we know, that means everyone. Why? Because He loves everyone and we are meant to be His face, hands, and feet, sharing His love with the world around us. The reason I mention this one is that it's one that, try as I might, trips me up too.

You see, when we begin to fail in these little things, they make it easier for Satan to tempt us into other, bigger, more serious sins. Don't get me wrong, ALL sin is bad, but some sins have a destructive power that destroys not only the one who commits it, but others around that person. When we neglect the little sins, we weaken our ability to resist the bigger ones. That's one of the ideas behind giving up something that we really enjoy during Lent. It helps strengthen our resolve to resist temptation in all its guises. Put it this way, if I can't even resist a chocolate bar -- which is something small -- how on earth will I be able to resist something more enticing?

The other thing about falling victim to the little sins and not being aware of them is that we begin to change how we think about the bigger sins. We begin to rationalize them and perhaps even formulate intellectual arguments to support why they are okay and why God's way is not. We start to surround ourselves with people who regularly engage in these sins and find no fault in them. Before we know it, we may find ourselves in so deep that we lose our ability to see the way out or even realize that we need to get out. When we reach this state, that is when Satan has really used us against ourselves and the consequences of our failure to resist these temptations is a punishment all of its own. The psalmist chalks it up to God's wrath, but also acknowledges that those who sin fall into punishment without any help from anyone. Look at these verses and you'll see what I mean:

If one does not repent, God will whet His sword; He has bent and strung His bow; He has prepared His deadly weapons, making His arrows fiery shafts. See how they conceive evil, and are pregnant with mischief and bring forth lies. They make a pit, digging it out, and fall into the hole that they have made. Their mischief returns upon their own heads, and on their own heads their violence descends. (verses 12-16)

St. Paul says in Romans 1:24 that the people of God grew so wicked that God gave them over to the lusts of their hearts. The way I've always read that is that God created the natural law and that the Israelites -- who knew better -- turned their backs on this natural law which was inscribed on their hearts by God, so He gave them up to the natural consequences of their wickedness and rebellion. It wasn't so much that God reached out His hand and smote the Israelites, but rather that He allowed their wickedness to catch up with them because they not only refused to turn away from it, but even gave approval to sin and evil.

So if we do not want Satan to use our own flesh to persecute us, what do we do? 

As a Catholic, one thing I do is try to get to Confession as often as possible. Not only are there graces that come from that sacrament, but one of the many benefits of it is that the process makes me more aware of all the little ways that I sin each day. Prior to going to confession, I usually do what's called an examination of conscience. For those of you who don't know, it's basically where you think about your life in a critical way and make a list of the sins you want to confess.

One simple way to go about it is to use the 10 Commandments as a guide. You take each commandment and think about the ways that you might have broken that commandment and if you find one, write it down. Once you have your list, you go into the confessional and confess them to God in the presence of the priest. There is something about having to say it out loud to another person that makes you much more aware of it and helps you think twice about it when you feel tempted to that sin again. I think it's especially helpful if you have a habitual sin that you're trying to break free of. I know it's helped me with one that I'm working on.

If you're not Catholic, you can still do an examination of conscience to help you really pinpoint those places where you struggle. Ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten your heart and mind and make you aware of those things you need to seek God's forgiveness for and to help you see those sins you commit which you may be blind to seeing. Then make your list and confess it before God, asking His forgiveness and help to keep you from further sin. If you have someone that holds you accountable, reading your list to them so they can pray for you and hold you accountable is a very good idea.

A very good practice for Catholics and non-Catholics alike is to do a brief examination of conscience at the end of each day before going to bed, to list your sins for the day, and ask God's forgiveness. I have to admit that I've never really been in the habit of doing that, but I need to get in the habit. So yay, something I've learned in writing this uber long meditation!

If you're reading along with these psalm meditations, I promise that tomorrow's will be lighter and less doom and gloom. Until then...

Pax Christi!

Psalm 1

Psalm 1 is one of the shorter Psalms. It's so short that I remember my mom telling me as a child that she had committed it to memory when she was a child herself. The overall gist of it is to encourage the reader toward the way of the righteous and away from the way of the wicked. I think in a way, it really sets the tone for the rest of the Psalms which -- although they vary in topic and style -- are all about what it is to be righteous versus wicked and the rewards of righteousness versus the punishments of the wicked.

You see it again and again throughout the book. The righteous man praises God, repents when he sins, vanquishes his foes, receives strength and shelter from God, and dwells with God forever. The wicked man turns away from God, revels in his sinfulness, is defeated by the righteous, receives destruction in this life, and spends eternity separated from God.

This isn't to say that this earthly existence is all sunshine and roses for the righteous man and bitter gnashing of teeth for the wicked man. Not at all! In fact, several of the Psalms reflect the hardships that the righteous suffer and the wealth, power, and prosperity of the wicked. In this way, the entirety of the Psalms is very applicable to our modern world. Those who strive to follow God and walk the path of righteousness often find themselves struggling and suffering in this life while those whose lives are overflowing with all manner of sin are sitting on Easy Street. The fallen world we live in virtually guarantees that this will happen. Jesus definitely guarantees that suffering is part of our lot (John 16:33)!

But look at Psalm 1:6 --

for the Lord watches over the way of the righteous but the way of the wicked will perish

The way of the wicked will perish. When everything is said and done and the last day is finally here, the way of the wicked will perish and the way of the righteous will not only survive, but lead to eternal life with God. In the end, that eternal life is the goal. That is what makes it ALL worth it. All the heartache and suffering ends and the righteous inherit their just reward to be with God for all of time!

This sliver of hope is what keeps my obedient heart beating and pushing me forward even when I have nothing else left and no desire to keep existing. In my darkest moments, when I am unable to find anything light to hold onto, something deep in my very bones sends out this tiny, thin, gleaming thread for me to cling to until I find a stronger foothold. Sometimes I need others to help me find it within myself (which is where God's protection steps in), but it is there despite my despair.

And I am very grateful.

Ashes to Ashes: Entering the Desert

"The desert represents a stripping away of our attachments, so as to make the fundamental things appear. In the desert, there are no distractions or diversions or secondary matters. Everything is basic, necessary, and simple. Either one survives or one doesn’t. One finds in the desert strengths and weaknesses he never knew he had." 

~ Bishop Robert Barron

I have been living in the desert for a long time. As of this month, it's been three years.

Don't get me wrong. I don't actually live in a real physical desert. I live in a suburb in a house a good 1000 miles from the closest desert. The desert I've been living in is the desert of depression. The quote above comes from the first of Bishop Barron's daily Lenten email meditations. In it, he talks about how our Lenten journey of 40 days is a reflection of Christ's sojourn through the desert just prior to His earthly ministry. Having never been in an actual physical desert myself, I can only imagine what that feels like to your body to endure that kind of extreme climate. Emotionally though, I know exactly what it feels like. 

For me, depression takes a toll like that of the desert wilderness. I've struggled with depression for some 27 years now, but none of my sojourns through the desert have ever lasted more than a few months. When this current episode of depression began, it was in February of 2013 and I had no idea what lay in store for me. I had no reason to think that it would be any different from any episode before it.

What I didn't know is that my journey would take me into the darkest, most barren, most wild parts of the desert of depression. Those called apathy, anguish, betrayal, abandonment, heartbreak, numbness, bitterness, rage, despondence, despair, and death. I just had no clue at all that it would be so painful and go on for so long. 

Pain and suffering do, as Bishop Barron says, strip away everything else. You can't focus on anything but the most basic of things -- eating, sleeping, bathing, and sometimes, just the act of breathing in and out. When you're in this desert, it's not about looking at the scenery or making some great discovery, it's about finding your way from one oasis to the next so that you can survive. You may have come into the desert loaded down with many great concerns, but very quickly those fall away and you begin to realise what truly matters. You come to understand that your focus must be on survival. And the longer you journey through this desert, you do begin to see your strengths and your weaknesses. The desolation and difficulty starkly reveal everything in a way that is clearer and more refined than it would be in the normal world.

So what have I learned in the desert?

Well, one lesson I've been learning of late is that I need to stop telling myself that I must be strong and that hiding when I'm in pain -- rather than being vulnerable with others -- makes things easier for me and for others around me. The reality is that trying to be strong when I lack the capacity to do so and hiding from others when I'm hurting only makes things worse. For me, this is a weakness that the desert has revealed. I struggle with really trusting others because I've had my trust betrayed and violated so many times. That struggle with trust causes me to tell myself that it's better for me to just grit my teeth, be strong, just white knuckle it and hide until the darkest darkness is lighter. It's taken me most of this time to realise that this is a weakness, although thanks to Pendragon's help, I've been working on getting better at being vulnerable and telling others when I need help. 

I've also learned that one of my strengths is obedience, in particular, obedience to God. I would have never thought this about myself. It's not that I'm the rebellious sort or some kind of wild and crazy person who has no concern for rules or anything like that. It's just that I've never really thought of myself as "obedient." To be honest, this is the first year since this desert of depression began that I've even considered giving up or doing anything for Lent at all. For the last three Lents I've told myself, "I'm already giving up a lot with this depression. It's hard enough without having to give up or add something to my already really difficult life. Surely this is penitential enough." Part of the reason I felt like I was rebelling though was because I was angry at God. I still have some anger toward Him that I am trying to work out, but it's much better than it was just a year ago. But anger and even disinterest aren't the same thing as rebellion and I'm apparently much more obedient to Him and His will than I've ever given myself credit for being because I'm still here and I'm still following Him. I'm also trying to add the task this year of doing something spiritual each day. I think Bishop Barron's email meditations may be part of that, but I might do something else if the Holy Spirit nudges me.

The other thing that the desert has revealed to me is that when it comes to faith, feelings are no barometer of reality. To put it more simply, feelings are fickle and do not indicate in any way the presence (or lack thereof) of God in a person's life. In some ways, having an intense emotional experience of faith can give us a false sense of reality when it comes to who God is and whether or not He is present. When we "feel" God's presence or have a "sense" of Him being near, it can be an intense shock to the system spiritually when the circumstances of life or the actions of others blind those senses to a point where we can no longer connect with Him on an emotional level. We are left in the darkness of the desert, seemingly alone. But as scripture tells us in many places, He is always with us. That promise can be hard to swallow if the whole of your experience has been some kind of emotional connection to God and you are suddenly devoid of that connection. It may seem like a cruel kind of joke to be seemingly left all alone with your pain and suffering, but this desolation of the spirit is when we learn to connect to God in new ways, to find Him in the desert amidst the rubble of our pain, to see the tracks of His footsteps and the traces of His fingerprints etched in the aridness of our suffering and ache. 

This sojourn through the desert -- when we are forced to discard the unnecessary, have our weaknesses laid bare and our strengths revealed through fire, and scrabble to survive -- is a gift. If we are willing to see it, a gift that promises a greater strength of will, a greater understanding of ourselves, and a more mature, deeper faith in Christ. With that in mind, each year on Ash Wednesday, we enter into the desert with Christ to pray, to fast, to give of ourselves to others, and to allow the desert to reveal in us that which needs to be discarded so that we can survive and more closely follow Him.

Meditating on Advent - Day 4

I'm a little behind because yesterday (12/2/2015) was a struggle with energy. My brain was so tired that I was having difficulty following discussions in a Facebook group I help administrate and during a thoughtful discussion my hubby and I were having after we got the girls to bed. I was sluggish and tired all day and just couldn't get it together. Anyhow, here's my thoughts on yesterday's gospel!

Yesterday's Gospel: Matthew 15:29-37

Jesus summoned his disciples and said, "My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, for they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, for fear they may collapse on the way." The disciples said to him, "Where could we ever get enough bread in this deserted place to satisfy such a crowd?"(verse 32-33)

In this season of Advent where we are waiting and preparing for the birth of Jesus at Christmas, we may find ourselves wondering amidst all this preparation if we will really make it to Christmas. We may wonder if there is any way we'll get it all done or worry that we're rushing through Advent without adequately preparing our hearts or we may have so much to do and places to go that we wonder if we'll get to Christmas without losing our minds altogether!

Here's the message: even while we are waiting and preparing for celebrating His birth, He is here with us even now. He is here and He is providing what we need. We are so much like the disciples, I think. They had no hope that there was any way that all these people would be able to be fed given the sheer number, lack of supplies, and deserted location. What's wild is that they even asked Jesus such a question. Verses 29-31 of this passage from Matthew show Jesus healing people of all kinds of ills and deformities. In fact, verse 30 says "great crowds came to him" and that "he cured them." The disciples had witnessed all these miracles and yet, they lost hope when it came to food.

Isn't that SO like us humans? We see all kinds of amazing things, but when we get hungry or tired or hot or cold, or inundated with too much to do, we lose hope that God is able to provide for those needs. I love the phrase that Shakespeare uses to describe all the frustrations of our earthly existence as "the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to." It's so true though, isn't it? This mortal life isn't an easy one and because of the sinful fallen nature we inherited from Adam and Eve, we sometimes lose sight of the fact that God doesn't just do amazing and fireworks-worthy miracles like curing an incurably blind person or turning several gallons of water into the best wine. He works smaller miracles in our everyday lives like giving us an extra push of energy when we think we have none left so that we can do what needs to be done or providing a friend to spend time with when we are feeling lonely and low or finding a sale on something so that we can give our children Christmas presents and still buy groceries to feed the family.

So when you get frustrated during this season of waiting and preparing, remember the feeding of the four thousand here in Matthew. Remember that even as we wait, He is here and He provides.

Meditating on Advent -- Day 3

Today's Gospel: Luke 10:21-24

"Turning to the disciples in private, he said, 'Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I say to you, many prophets and kings desired to see what you see, but did not see it, and to hear what you hear, but did not hear it.' " (verses 23-24)

Have you ever had difficulty seeing or hearing something? I know for me, seeing things is sometimes very difficult because I am severely nearsighted and have an astigmatism in both eyes. It's not normally a big deal though because I have glasses which correct my vision so that I can see clearly. In fact, those glasses are such a big help that I really only take them off when I sleep or when I'm going to shower. Without them, everything is fuzzy -- even if I squint. I am incredibly grateful that my glasses give me eyes to see clearly.

Seeing clearly what God wants me to see is sometimes more difficult. Some things are obvious. Seeing that He loves me, that I'm supposed to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that I'm supposed to love my neighbour as myself. Those are easiest to see because Scripture plainly spells those things out and all I need do is open my Bible and read. What is hard to see sometimes is how much God loves me and how best to love Him and my neighbour. Sometimes it's hard to see where He is leading me or what His plan is.

I think the reason for this is because I live in the world and I get distracted. Like right now as I'm writing this, my youngest GB is watching Go, Diego Go! on TV and as it's after 3pm, I know my two biggest girls will be getting off the bus soon and charging through the door. Those two things are a distraction to my focus on this blog post. Those are just the little things. The world is so full of problems and pain and I think we often get distracted by all the horrible heart-wrenching things going on and we lose our ability to see Him and to see what He wants us to see amid all the distractions.

One of the things that I think He wants us to see during this Advent is that we need to slow down and wait. Advent is a time of waiting, you know. It's so easy though to get distracted by all the Christmas decorations and lights going up around us, the shopping for presents, the cooking, the card writing, and all the many things we do to ready our homes and hearts for Christmas, that we lose sight of Advent altogether. We lose our ability to see the importance of waiting, anticipation, stillness, silence, and the darkness of the night that came before the dawn of the Incarnation. We are so preoccupied with "Away in a Manger" that we forget "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." 

Our modern need to make all of December into one big Christmas celebration blinds us to the disciplines of waiting and stillness and the joy that can be found in these things. There is a phrase that is part of the Liturgy of the Eucharist during the Mass which follows the Our Father that says: "As we await the blessed hope and coming of Our Saviour, Jesus Christ." In the context of the Mass, we are, of course, talking about the Second Coming, but I think it's appropriate in this season of Advent and something good to meditate on a bit. 

If we can stop a bit each day, slow down and still our minds, we can have our eyes opened anew to the joy that comes with waiting on the coming of the Word Incarnate. In these moments of reflection, we can have our vision restored so that we may see as the disciples did and hear His Voice calling us while we anticipate His arrival.

Meditating on Advent -- Day 2

Today's Gospel: Matthew 4:18-22

"As Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who is called Peter, and his brother Andrew, casting a net into the sea; they were fishermen."

Today is the Feast Day of St. Andrew the Apostle*, so we get a reading about his call to follow Jesus in today's Gospel. It's a short passage and doesn't tell us much about Andrew except that he was a fisherman and that, along with his brother Peter, he left his nets at once and followed Christ.

At once. I think that's really amazing. Can you imagine if you were just going about your day to day life, hard at work at your job and Jesus suddenly walks in the door and says, "Follow me"? I think most of us, if we're being honest, would say that we'd be shocked initially and then after a moment or two, we'd ask Jesus for a few minutes or hours or days to get our lives squared away before coming with Him. I'm a stay at home mom of three girls who need me to supervise them and help them with things all the time while my husband is away at work. If Jesus walked in and suddenly wanted me to come with, I think it would be awfully hard to go "at once" and not want to take some time to call someone to look after my kids, pack a bag, and get all the hugs and kisses I could before I left.

But that's what we're called to do, isn't it? Go when He calls us. He calls all of us in one way or another. My vocation -- or calling -- is to the married life and motherhood. Jesus called me to that when I was a small child. But just because I have accepted that calling and I've followed Him into it by marrying and having children doesn't mean that He ceases to call me. He continues to call me in my day to day life to die to myself and to love others more like He does. That's a hard one for me sometimes. He has also put in my heart a new calling in the past year and that's to educate others about mental illness and suicide prevention. To become an advocate for those who struggle to advocate for themselves and who don't know how to get the help they need. That calling has been a very hard one for me to accept and follow, but I'm doing my best.

I think a good thing to do as we go through this Advent season is ask Him anew to reveal to us how and where He is calling us, to look again at our current calling and seek ways we can better fulfill those callings in obedience to Him. In doing this, we continue the process of readying our hearts for the celebration of Christmas and we better prepare ourselves to be ready when He comes again.

How is He calling you to come and follow Him?

*Since today is St. Andrew's Feast day, I thought I'd include this little prayer for Advent that is often referred to as the Saint Andrew Christmas Novena. It's a prayer that is meant to focus our hearts on the coming of Christ at Christmas and to ask God to grant a particular request in honour of the birth of His Blessed Son. If you're interested in more information, click the link.

Hail and blessed be the hour and moment in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary, at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold. In that hour vouchsafe, O my God, to hear my prayer and grant my desires, through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ and of His Blessed Mother. Amen.

Meditating on Advent -- Introduction and Day 1

Technically speaking, Advent began yesterday, but as I only got this idea today, I hope you'll forgive me for not being super good at planning or getting my act together! I was thinking today about what I want to do for Advent and came across an idea that another blogger I know had about writing a little haiku each day to kinda help slow down and prepare our hearts for Christmas. This blogger is hosting it at her blog and even providing prompts too. I first thought, "hey, what a great idea! I should do that!" And then as I thought about it some more, I realised that given my verbosity, there would be almost no way I could restrict myself to a haiku. I mean, can you imagine me trying to do a short thought on Advent in 17 syllables? Eeek! Gives me anxiety just thinking about it, y'all!

So, no haiku for me. Instead, I'm going to take the idea of brief meditations and share briefly each day on the Gospel reading for that day. I tried to do this last year and it was an abysmal failure. I think it's because I'd just come off doing Write 31 Days in October and trying to keep writing a lot in November and didn't rest enough. This though, I should be able to do. Since I'm a bit behind, this will serve as both my introduction and my catch up from yesterday's Gospel.

Yesterday's Gospel: Luke 21:25-28, 34-36

"Be vigiliant at all times and pray that you have the strength to escape the tribulations that are imminent and to stand before the Son of Man."

I think this verse really sums up the entirety of the Christian life when it comes to what our purpose on earth truly is. Jesus tells us in Matthew's Gospel that the two greatest commandments are to love God and love our neighbour as ourselves (Matthew 22:36-40). Part of being vigilant so that we are ready "to stand before the Son of Man" when he comes again in glory is live our lives as though He is coming at any moment. Our entire purpose in life should be to follow those two greatest commandments so that when He comes again, we will be ready to stand before Him.

So why such a dark sounding passage during Advent? Well, it's simple really. Advent is a season of waiting and preparation for the birth of the newborn King. It is a time when we ready our hearts to once again come to the manger and adore Him. Likewise, it is also a time to prepare our hearts for His Second Coming -- or Advent -- when He will, as the passage from Luke says, come in a cloud with power and great glory.

At Christmas He is the Word Made Flesh and on that last day, He is the Risen and Glorified King of Kings who will put all His enemies under His feet. Our celebration of Advent is both preparation to celebrate His Incarnation and a reminder to ready ourselves for when He comes again.

Until tomorrow...