Five Minute Friday: When

Note: This post is my weekly contribution to the Five Minute Friday community that is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Click here for more information about Five Minute Friday and how you can get involved! To link up with all the other entries for today's prompt word, click here.

****

Times When My Life Was Touched and Changed

When I first realized at age 12 that "sad" didn't quite describe how I was feeling
When my ears first heard the words "my best friend"
When I first felt the swoop of freedom running through my veins at the words "you passed your driver's test.."

When I was afraid I would lose my mind if I could find no one to talk to about my home life
When my compassionate teacher and now dear friend Rikert heard my pain and helped me
When I looked through the window and watched my parents drive away
When I realized I needed help to deal with my depression

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone about what's going on and get help. This is the National Suicide Prevention hotline, but you don't have to be suicidal to use it. If you're depressed or grieving or lonely, you can call and talk to someone who is trained to listen and offer support!

When I realized that nothing was helping
When I was brave and tried medication for the first time
When I felt the thrill of acting with my peers at college
When my voice professor first praised my hard work and skills
When I began my own journey of faith

Sometimes you need a little humour as you're discovering faith for yourself.

When I experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit
When I landed in London and began a wonderful adventure
When my depression intensified and my self-injury began
When I withdrew from college to get help
When I worked and dreamed of having my own place in a new city and a new part of the country
When my dreams were dashed because of the lies of others
When a friend tried to hook me up with a guy and wound up hooking me up with the Catholic Church
When I made a new friend who I refused to call by his last name
When that friend and I kissed for the first time
When we became officially more than friends

I love it when he brings me flowers "just because." :)

When my boyfriend took me to visit his family at Christmas
When I was confirmed and received fully into the Catholic Church
When my boyfriend proposed three days later
When I walked down the aisle with my heart full of joy to marry my beloved Gray
When we gave ourselves to each other for the first time
When I found out that I was pregnant (each time)
When I first saw each of our sweet girls

Left to right: AB, GB, and M2 -- dressed up pretty for Easter 2014

When we bought our house
When my M2 and AB started preschool and later on, regular school
When the darkness that had been with me since age 12 descended again
When the darkness got even darker than I'd ever felt
When I had a moment when I lost hold of reality and almost attempted suicide
When I began what I thought would be a helpful treatment for depression
When the people who I trusted violated my trust, took advantage of my emotional distress, and coerced me into agreeing to something I never wanted to do
When my heart broke so completely that I thought I would never stop crying



When I spent 5 days in hell, afraid that I would never see light, love, or God again...

........ when the hell of those 5 days ended and I saw flickers of light and love again



When the nightmares began
When the flashbacks began
When I stood at the edge several times, contemplating suicide, and was pulled back to safety by the words of Gray, Pendragon, my big brother Chez, and my friend Rikert
When I had two weeks of respite in the midst of what has been over two years of continued depression
When I decided to write about my experience and share it with others

If you've ever wondered what it's like to go through an episode of major depression, please feel free to read my 31 Days series. It is an account of some of what I've been through in the last couple of years. Eventually, I may make it into a book.

When I began EMDR to treat my PTSD
When the flashbacks began to diminish
When I decided to take on the challenge of sharing my experience with suicide and raise funds to help prevent suicide and raise awareness

If you'd like to make a donation to help raise funds for programs that help prevent suicide, click here to donate.

When I decided to no longer stay silent about my struggles with major depression and suicide
When I realized that I need to do this walk for suicide prevention for myself as much as to help others.

Join the Five Minute Friday party at Kate Motaung's blog!