I'm a couple of days late in getting to my Monday Joys post, but when you see my list, I think you'll understand!
1. Appointment with Pendragon -- always a good thing, but a much needed thing this past week as things had been very difficult the week before. Ended on a good note as we talked about the weekend to come.
2. Voxing with my buddy Tara and hearing all about her awesome week last week.
3. The Five Minute Friday Twitter party on Thursday night -- couldn't do much chatting as I was exhausted from my day and still had stuff to do, but it's always good to see everyone even if all I do is pop in and say hi.
4. Finally had a doctor's appointment w/my regular doctor after about 14-16 months of not seeing him. I was down in my weight by 8 pounds, which he seemed pleased with and I was genuinely glad to report that I've been making some strides in improving my mental health. He ordered labs for cholesterol and I got a phone call on Monday afternoon that my cholesterol numbers were good.
5. Meeting with Fr. B for spiritual direction and prayer. He gave me a very special gift that he picked up in Rome for me. It was a third class relic of Pope St. John Paul II! I loved him even before I became Catholic and have felt a special affection and kinship with him for a long time, but that has only increased since he's been canonized as a saint. Fr. B blessed me with the relic and then gave it to me. I cried tears of joy which only increased when he told me that not only had he brought that back, but that he'd prayed for me at Pope St. John Paul II's tomb while he was in Rome. What a blessing!
6. Appointment with Dr. D for EMDR. It was a very intense appointment as we tackled one of the harder parts of my trauma memory, but I think it was a fruitful appointment. He said that he was very optimistic about my progress and about my future progress.
7. Left Friday morning for Atlanta, Georgia for a "retreat." I put that last word in quotes because although we call it a retreat, it's not a very spiritual kind of thing. It's actually a huge meetup of a group of my friends that I met online some ten years ago. We're a community of women (well mostly women, but we do have a couple of men in the group too) who all practice natural family planning (aka NFP). While a large percentage of us are Catholic, there are a number of different faiths represented from non-Catholic Christian to LDS to Orthodox Jewish as well as some women who do not profess any kind of faith at all. We live all across the USA for the most part, although we also have a number of ladies who live in Canada, and a few more who are in other countries around the world. Every two years, we have a "retreat" where we meet up in a particular city for a weekend of hanging out, talking, laughing, and getting to know one another face to face. The only really spiritual thing we usually do is that we go to the Saturday night vigil Mass together (mostly us Catholics), but even that is a fun experience. I went to my first such retreat two years ago in Kansas City, Missouri and had such a blast that I told Gray I was putting him on notice that in two years, I'd be going to wherever the next one was and to just plan on being without me that weekend. This year, I told him that I'd be going to the one in 2018 even before I left for Atlanta!
It was an amazing weekend! I met several ladies I'd wanted to meet for a long time, reconnected with ladies I met last time, and enjoyed seeing a few of them that I've gotten to know fairly well over the years (who live in my home state). I also felt incredibly loved all weekend long and so supported. That support was very important when I had a flashback on Sunday afternoon at a restaurant. I was so embarrassed by it, but the ladies were so loving, understanding, and supportive that it helped me manage that difficulty much easier than I would have if I'd been alone.
8. Ended my weekend on Monday morning when I took a quick trip to the Atlanta IKEA store after leaving the hotel. I'd never been to an IKEA before, so it was a lot of fun to walk around and see what it was all about. I also grabbed a quick bite in their restaurant before getting on the road to come home. I also bought a few things and made plans to return another day when I have more time to look and perhaps buy something bigger (like furniture) that we need.
9. Seeing my kids again after such a long weekend and being enveloped in their hugs and declarations of how much they missed me and love me.
10. The Barnyard Pimp sandwich from The Pig and The Pint in College Park, GA <--- YUM. SO much YUM! The remainder of the retreatants and I went out to dinner there on Sunday night and 4 of the 7 of us ordered that sandwich. It was marinated fried chicken, sharp cheddar cheese, bacon, avocado, and an apple butter barbecue sauce on an onion roll. As if all that weren't enough, I had their ridiculously delicious loaded mashed potatoes for a side and a Crispin blackberry pear hard cider to drink. Y'all. Just Y'ALL. It was all SO good! We decided that it was our favourite meal of the weekend.
11. Speaking of meals, Friday night's meal at the retreat was super fun too. We kinda all went different ways for dinner that night and I went with a group of seven other ladies (8 of us total) to a local Mexican place down the road from the hotel. We ordered two pitchers of margaritas (trying to be economical since we all wanted one) and although we didn't need the alcohol to turn on our laughter, it certainly increased the giggles. I only had a very small drink since I was driving and it's good that I limited myself because any more than that very small drink and I'd have been over the legal limit for sure. Those margaritas were seriously strong. One of the ladies commented, "They weren't playing around. I think they must have put a gallon of tequila in those two pitchers!" The food was very good and we all enjoyed it. We enjoyed lots of conversation -- which was punctuated with raucous gales of laughter -- along with the food. As we sat waiting for our bills at the end of the meal, we looked up and suddenly saw the staff approaching with a pair of plates and two sombreros. One of the men was carrying a pair of cymbals too. When they reached our table, they put a sombrero on one of the ladies and then put one on me! I was totally surprised! Then they put a plate of sopapilla drizzled with chocolate syrup and covered with whipped cream in front of me and my friend with the other sombrero. We looked at each other in astonishment. "Did you do this?" "No! Did you?" "No!" The entire table shook with laughter as the eight of us tried to figure out who had done this. While all of this was going on, the staff was singing, "Happy Birthday" to us while the man played his cymbals and we laughed uproariously. No one could figure out who had set this up. See, my birthday is in March and my friend's is in February, so neither of us was anywhere near celebrating our birthdays! I'm giggling just thinking about it. We had so much fun that KJ and I have declared that July 8th is, forevermore, our shared NFP birthday. On Saturday morning, one of the ladies who had heard the story of our "birthday" celebration gave both of us a "birthday" card with the inscription, "Happy NFP Birthday!" It was absolutely perfect.
With a bit of luck, next week's edition will be posted on Monday instead of Wednesday. I thought about it on Monday night, but was so tired that I decided it was probably a good idea for me to try and sleep. Then I took one more day to rest up a bit before attempting to write. I had such a great weekend that I needed a day and a half to recover!
Until next week!
Showing posts with label community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label community. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Suicide Prevention Week - How You Can Help
Today's the day! It's both World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Day (USA).
One of my favourite charities that works to #StopSuicide is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are so dedicated to working toward their goal of reducing the number of suicides nationwide by 20% by the year 2025. I was so honoured to work with them by participating in one of their two national Overnight Walks this past summer in Boston. Not only was the walk an amazing experience, but my fundraising efforts were added to all the rest to total just over $3 million raised. That money will go to the various programs AFSP has which:
But being touched by it isn't enough. We need to use that sadness and grief to spur us into action to prevent other deaths. 41,149 deaths by suicide is 41,149 too many.
So what can you do?
One of my favourite charities that works to #StopSuicide is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are so dedicated to working toward their goal of reducing the number of suicides nationwide by 20% by the year 2025. I was so honoured to work with them by participating in one of their two national Overnight Walks this past summer in Boston. Not only was the walk an amazing experience, but my fundraising efforts were added to all the rest to total just over $3 million raised. That money will go to the various programs AFSP has which:
- help educate teachers, school administrators, students, businesses, and other professionals about suicide prevention and how to identify and help those in their schools and workplaces who may be at risk
- help those who have survived the loss of a loved one to suicide with grief support that is tailored to that specific kind of loss
- help local, state, and national government lawmakers create laws which will help raise awareness, educate others, and better enable those who need help to get it
- help raise awareness about suicide prevention through community programs, public service announcements, social media campaigns, billboards and the Field Advocacy program
- and help schools and other large organizations identify individuals who are at risk and help connect them with mental health services
But being touched by it isn't enough. We need to use that sadness and grief to spur us into action to prevent other deaths. 41,149 deaths by suicide is 41,149 too many.
So what can you do?
- Share your story of how suicide has touched your life. If it's a personal struggle, it may be very hard to share it, but know that by being courageous, you may just save a life.
- If you've already shared your story, keep sharing it. Once is great, but sharing it again and again reaches more people and that's the point of awareness -- to reach as many people as possible with the message.
- Learn the warning signs of suicide. Check out this great graphic:
Notice that first warning sign -- talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself. The others are very important, but if you hear someone talking about wanting to die, then STOP and PAY ATTENTION. Anyone who exhibits that warning sign should be taken very seriously. - Educate yourself about mental illness. At least 90% (if not more) of people who end their own lives were struggling with a mental illness of some kind. It may have been diagnosed, but often it is something that hasn't been diagnosed for one reason or another. All mental illness carries with it some risk for suicide, but Major Depressive Disorder (aka Depression), Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) are the most common among people who have killed themselves. Learn the symptoms and signs of these illnesses and use that information to help those around you who are struggling. Encourage friends and family to seek out a professional evaluation if you or they suspect they may have a mental illness. A proper diagnosis is CRITICAL to getting proper treatment and going it alone because you're afraid may make things worse.
- Get involved. Even if you can't do a community or Out of the Darkness walk with the AFSP or raise a lot of money, you can still make a difference. If you have access to a computer, you can #BeTheVoice for those who are struggling and need help by getting the word out via social media. You can do what I do and blog about suicide prevention and mental illness. You can reach out via phone, letters, and emails to your local and state governments and your national representatives and senators. You can write and call local television and radio stations on behalf of someone who is raising money. You can help organize a community walk fundraiser. You can make a commitment to pray every day for those who struggle and those who help them. There's LOTS to do.
+ O merciful God, you have willed that St. Dymphna should be invoked as the patroness of nervous and mental disease. Grant that, through the prayer of this youthful martyr of purity, those who suffer from nervous and mental illness may be helped and consoled. I recommend to You in particular those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts that You would send loving hands and hearts to help them out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair and into the light of a new day. Grant them skilled and compassionate mental healthcare workers, a strong network of support, and the strength to persevere to the natural end of their lives. Through Christ, Our Lord. Amen. +
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
The Greatest of These Is Love
After the kids are long since tucked in bed, Gray and I quite often spend time together just talking about one thing or another. Sometimes it's housekeeping sorts of things like, "Don't forget that I have an appointment tomorrow evening with Pendragon.." or "Honey, if you go out tomorrow, we're about out of milk and cat litter." Other times it's conversations about the kids and what is going on with them or something between us that we wanted to discuss in greater detail in private. A lot of times though, we talk about theology, politics, and the state of the world. Those last topics are some of my favourite conversations.
A topic that we go back to again and again and that we talked about earlier tonight is that of Christian charity. What prompted it was the fact that today on Facebook I ran across two rather disturbing instances where someone who was professing Christ was behaving in a way that was less than charitable.
Both of these situations broke my heart.
You might find that a bit of an overreaction, but it's the truth. Whenever I find Christians speaking to their fellow Christians or nonbelievers in a way that is hateful, angry, spiteful, or just rude, it hurts my heart. You see, I love people. I am a big lover of people from way back. I'm a hugger and kisser and an "Oh bless your heart!" and "How can I help?" and an "I love you, my friend!" kind of person. I don't know why exactly, but I've always been this way. My base instinct is to see the good in others and, if they will allow me, help them see it in themselves. All of that is born out of a desire to love others as God loves me. Even when I was a small child, I was this way. When I gave my heart to Jesus at age 6, it became even more important to me to love on others in the way that He loved me. It's just who I am and, for the most part, comes easily to me.
This isn't to say that I've never been uncharitable or that I lack the capacity for such things. Quite the reverse is true. I know there have been times in my life when I have been less than kind and loving. I also know that there have been many, many times when I have nearly bitten my tongue (or sat on my hands as it were) to hold back a snarky or nasty retort and then have let it all spill out of my mouth later on to an understanding friend. I say all of this because I don't want you to think I'm some kind of saint or angel. I'm not. I definitely aspire to be a saint, but I fall short of the mark quite a lot.
So what was our conversation about tonight? Well, it was me recounting the two incidents I'd witnessed and my frustration at the people involved who were so hateful. I told Gray that I just couldn't understand why they would say those things, why they couldn't seem to see how rude and unkind they were being. Without giving you all the details, one of the people was basically bashing an atheist friend of mine over the head with his beliefs about the state of her soul and the other was a group of people who were name-calling over the issue of their belief that the way they worship Jesus is better, more holy, and more perfect than the way another group of Christians worship Jesus. In each scenario, the victims of these attacks responded with great charity and grace and that was thrown back in their face as though they had replied with vindictiveness and vitriol.
I just don't understand that at all. It seems abundantly clear to me that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable for someone who professes the name of Christ. Look at Matthew 22:34-40:
Why is the second commandment like the first? That's pretty simple too. It is a manifestation of the first commandment. If you love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind, then the natural outpouring of all that love for God is love for your neighbour. It is an active thing that involves good works like feeding the hungry, visiting the imprisoned, clothing the naked, etc. It is also something that involves submitting our hearts, minds, and flesh to His grace to be molded into His will and transformed into the model of neighbourly charity to all we meet. That means being loving, kind, generous, humble in spirit, willing to admit when we are wrong, and choosing our words carefully when we are faced with disagreements with those around us.
Is it easy? Sometimes. But then again, sometimes it's ridiculously hard. That's when God is giving us the opportunity to practice. A lot of times that practice is uncomfortable and frankly, hurts. But you know what? Change often hurts -- especially the kind that takes practice -- but it's what we're called to. We are called to be changed so dramatically that when those around us look at us, they see He who is Perfect Love and Absolute Truth staring back at them. When we are working toward this transformation with sincere hearts and effort, then we fully understand the first commandment. It is then when we fully understand what it means to love God so completely.
I don't know about you, but I want that. I want to be so fiercely in love with God, so conformed to who He is, that this whole "love your neighbour" thing is as easy as breathing. There is something that I feel deep inside me that is hungry for this transformation, for this infusion of grace that changes men and moves mountains. I've pursued this for nearly my entire life because it is who He made me to be and the bottom line is that I love Him and I know by virtue of my creation that He loves me.
I'll admit that sometimes I struggle with feeling His love and sometimes I wonder if I actually do love Him because of the anger I feel at times. I have felt abandoned and lonely and alone and so heartbroken and hurt by His silence that I have wondered if I should turn away from Him and go my own way. But the imprint of His love, given to me by virtue of my humanity, that imprint so long tended, polished, and lovingly cherished, hidden away in the very depths of my being is what kept me trying to love Him despite the lack of everything that I felt and the darkness of my thoughts toward Him. That imprint of Perfect Love made manifest in the Eucharist, the holy oils of Anointing, the words of absolution in Confession, and in the sacramental love shared with Gray is what has saved me from walking away. It is what has saved me from myself in those dark moments when I have used life to inhale death. That Perfect Love is what has continued to draw me forward toward Him despite not wanting anything to do with faith or God or any of it.
I haven't done it on my own though. I've had an abundance of love from the neighbours all around me. In fact, when I suddenly couldn't feel God's love in a direct way (something I still don't really feel), it was the love of neighbours -- Gray, Sif, Fr. B, Chez, Rikert, Tara, and in his professional way, Pendragon -- that touched my heart, encouraged me to keep breathing and moving forward in obedience, and kept me from killing myself on more than one occasion. I have been blessed to have the love of many neighbours, especially online (shout out to all my awesome Board friends -- love y'all!!!) and many of whom did nothing more than pray for me in my hour of need, knowing nothing more than what Chez posted as a prayer request on his blog (Love you, big brother!) You see, I have been the recipent of that "love your neighbour as yourself" love from those around me in such a profound way that it made that Perfect Love of God manifest to me when I was unable to see Him or find Him on my own.
So you see, love of God is important -- the most important thing we can do -- because He is deserving of ALL our love and that includes the gift we give the rest of His creation when we......wait for it.......
.....love our neighbour.
That's all I've got. Peace be with you!
A topic that we go back to again and again and that we talked about earlier tonight is that of Christian charity. What prompted it was the fact that today on Facebook I ran across two rather disturbing instances where someone who was professing Christ was behaving in a way that was less than charitable.
Both of these situations broke my heart.
You might find that a bit of an overreaction, but it's the truth. Whenever I find Christians speaking to their fellow Christians or nonbelievers in a way that is hateful, angry, spiteful, or just rude, it hurts my heart. You see, I love people. I am a big lover of people from way back. I'm a hugger and kisser and an "Oh bless your heart!" and "How can I help?" and an "I love you, my friend!" kind of person. I don't know why exactly, but I've always been this way. My base instinct is to see the good in others and, if they will allow me, help them see it in themselves. All of that is born out of a desire to love others as God loves me. Even when I was a small child, I was this way. When I gave my heart to Jesus at age 6, it became even more important to me to love on others in the way that He loved me. It's just who I am and, for the most part, comes easily to me.
This isn't to say that I've never been uncharitable or that I lack the capacity for such things. Quite the reverse is true. I know there have been times in my life when I have been less than kind and loving. I also know that there have been many, many times when I have nearly bitten my tongue (or sat on my hands as it were) to hold back a snarky or nasty retort and then have let it all spill out of my mouth later on to an understanding friend. I say all of this because I don't want you to think I'm some kind of saint or angel. I'm not. I definitely aspire to be a saint, but I fall short of the mark quite a lot.
So what was our conversation about tonight? Well, it was me recounting the two incidents I'd witnessed and my frustration at the people involved who were so hateful. I told Gray that I just couldn't understand why they would say those things, why they couldn't seem to see how rude and unkind they were being. Without giving you all the details, one of the people was basically bashing an atheist friend of mine over the head with his beliefs about the state of her soul and the other was a group of people who were name-calling over the issue of their belief that the way they worship Jesus is better, more holy, and more perfect than the way another group of Christians worship Jesus. In each scenario, the victims of these attacks responded with great charity and grace and that was thrown back in their face as though they had replied with vindictiveness and vitriol.
I just don't understand that at all. It seems abundantly clear to me that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable for someone who professes the name of Christ. Look at Matthew 22:34-40:
When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”Love God and love your neighbour as yourself. How hard is this to understand? It's really not rocket science and yet, I run across many more people than I care to count who seem to forget this when they are engaged in a discussion about faith with someone with whom they disagree. They seem to get so caught up in the whole "love God" that they forget the second half of it which Jesus says is like it -- love of neighbour.
Why is the second commandment like the first? That's pretty simple too. It is a manifestation of the first commandment. If you love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind, then the natural outpouring of all that love for God is love for your neighbour. It is an active thing that involves good works like feeding the hungry, visiting the imprisoned, clothing the naked, etc. It is also something that involves submitting our hearts, minds, and flesh to His grace to be molded into His will and transformed into the model of neighbourly charity to all we meet. That means being loving, kind, generous, humble in spirit, willing to admit when we are wrong, and choosing our words carefully when we are faced with disagreements with those around us.
Is it easy? Sometimes. But then again, sometimes it's ridiculously hard. That's when God is giving us the opportunity to practice. A lot of times that practice is uncomfortable and frankly, hurts. But you know what? Change often hurts -- especially the kind that takes practice -- but it's what we're called to. We are called to be changed so dramatically that when those around us look at us, they see He who is Perfect Love and Absolute Truth staring back at them. When we are working toward this transformation with sincere hearts and effort, then we fully understand the first commandment. It is then when we fully understand what it means to love God so completely.
I don't know about you, but I want that. I want to be so fiercely in love with God, so conformed to who He is, that this whole "love your neighbour" thing is as easy as breathing. There is something that I feel deep inside me that is hungry for this transformation, for this infusion of grace that changes men and moves mountains. I've pursued this for nearly my entire life because it is who He made me to be and the bottom line is that I love Him and I know by virtue of my creation that He loves me.
I'll admit that sometimes I struggle with feeling His love and sometimes I wonder if I actually do love Him because of the anger I feel at times. I have felt abandoned and lonely and alone and so heartbroken and hurt by His silence that I have wondered if I should turn away from Him and go my own way. But the imprint of His love, given to me by virtue of my humanity, that imprint so long tended, polished, and lovingly cherished, hidden away in the very depths of my being is what kept me trying to love Him despite the lack of everything that I felt and the darkness of my thoughts toward Him. That imprint of Perfect Love made manifest in the Eucharist, the holy oils of Anointing, the words of absolution in Confession, and in the sacramental love shared with Gray is what has saved me from walking away. It is what has saved me from myself in those dark moments when I have used life to inhale death. That Perfect Love is what has continued to draw me forward toward Him despite not wanting anything to do with faith or God or any of it.
I haven't done it on my own though. I've had an abundance of love from the neighbours all around me. In fact, when I suddenly couldn't feel God's love in a direct way (something I still don't really feel), it was the love of neighbours -- Gray, Sif, Fr. B, Chez, Rikert, Tara, and in his professional way, Pendragon -- that touched my heart, encouraged me to keep breathing and moving forward in obedience, and kept me from killing myself on more than one occasion. I have been blessed to have the love of many neighbours, especially online (shout out to all my awesome Board friends -- love y'all!!!) and many of whom did nothing more than pray for me in my hour of need, knowing nothing more than what Chez posted as a prayer request on his blog (Love you, big brother!) You see, I have been the recipent of that "love your neighbour as yourself" love from those around me in such a profound way that it made that Perfect Love of God manifest to me when I was unable to see Him or find Him on my own.
So you see, love of God is important -- the most important thing we can do -- because He is deserving of ALL our love and that includes the gift we give the rest of His creation when we......wait for it.......
.....love our neighbour.
That's all I've got. Peace be with you!
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Five Minute Friday: Find
As of this week, I'm breaking up with Five Minute Friday.
Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of writing for five minutes on a prompt, not editing your post, hitting publish, and linking up with a community of other folks who do the same. I really do love the idea.
The problem is that I can't write like that.
I have been a part of this community for over a year and thought that despite my inability to keep to five minutes with my writing most weeks that somehow, the "rules" just weren't as important as the spirit of the thing and the community. I had also fooled myself into believing that I wasn't the only one who went over the time allowance and who was really in it for the community. I further fooled myself into believing that if put to the test, I could actually write something that approached coherence and meaningfulness in 5 minutes' time.
I was wrong on all three counts.
Apparently, for certain individuals within this community, the rules are more important than showing grace to someone who just wants to participate and belong but isn't quite proficient at churning out a perfectly crafted inspirational nugget in 5 minutes. I am apparently also one of the very few people who goes over the time allowance with some regularity and who joined up with this thing intending to follow the rules, but wound up staying in it more for the community than anything else. I know there are others (I've talked to them), but given that I was surrounded by about 15 other women at the Five Minute Friday retreat a few weekends ago who all seem to have no problem with this, I think it's safe to say that I found I'm in the minority. Likewise, the five minute free write that we did at the retreat further served to illuminate the fact that when put to the test and the pressure is on, I am a failure at the "five minutes" part of Five Minute Friday.
I thought in participating in this blog community that I had found a like-minded group of individuals who were all in a similar boat with me -- even if not exactly the same boat -- in wanting to be part of a community that gets together once a week and writes together. For me, that's what Five Minute Friday was always about. It's what I thought I had found.
For the most part, I did find that there are a LOT of great individuals who belong to this community. Many of them write things that resonate with me and many write things that don't. I'm okay with that. I appreciate diversity of ideas and people. I've gotten some genuinely wonderful comments on some of my posts from the folks in this community and met a couple of really awesome friends through it too. I am always looking to find members of my "tribe" and I've definitely done that some through this.
That said though, I'm done with the Five Minute Friday rules -- both those that are stated and those that are understood. I'm also done with judging myself and how I do Five Minute Friday.
So goodbye to the old way of doing Five Minute Friday. I'm breaking up with you and all the self-judgment I feel by trying to do it your way. I need to do Five Minute Friday my own way and be okay with that. I need to find my own way. Perhaps I'll see you again in a few weeks.
Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of writing for five minutes on a prompt, not editing your post, hitting publish, and linking up with a community of other folks who do the same. I really do love the idea.
The problem is that I can't write like that.
I have been a part of this community for over a year and thought that despite my inability to keep to five minutes with my writing most weeks that somehow, the "rules" just weren't as important as the spirit of the thing and the community. I had also fooled myself into believing that I wasn't the only one who went over the time allowance and who was really in it for the community. I further fooled myself into believing that if put to the test, I could actually write something that approached coherence and meaningfulness in 5 minutes' time.
I was wrong on all three counts.
Apparently, for certain individuals within this community, the rules are more important than showing grace to someone who just wants to participate and belong but isn't quite proficient at churning out a perfectly crafted inspirational nugget in 5 minutes. I am apparently also one of the very few people who goes over the time allowance with some regularity and who joined up with this thing intending to follow the rules, but wound up staying in it more for the community than anything else. I know there are others (I've talked to them), but given that I was surrounded by about 15 other women at the Five Minute Friday retreat a few weekends ago who all seem to have no problem with this, I think it's safe to say that I found I'm in the minority. Likewise, the five minute free write that we did at the retreat further served to illuminate the fact that when put to the test and the pressure is on, I am a failure at the "five minutes" part of Five Minute Friday.
I thought in participating in this blog community that I had found a like-minded group of individuals who were all in a similar boat with me -- even if not exactly the same boat -- in wanting to be part of a community that gets together once a week and writes together. For me, that's what Five Minute Friday was always about. It's what I thought I had found.
For the most part, I did find that there are a LOT of great individuals who belong to this community. Many of them write things that resonate with me and many write things that don't. I'm okay with that. I appreciate diversity of ideas and people. I've gotten some genuinely wonderful comments on some of my posts from the folks in this community and met a couple of really awesome friends through it too. I am always looking to find members of my "tribe" and I've definitely done that some through this.
That said though, I'm done with the Five Minute Friday rules -- both those that are stated and those that are understood. I'm also done with judging myself and how I do Five Minute Friday.
- No more worrying about time limits (I may not even set a clock when I write).
- No more worrying about whether or not the small amount of editing that I do counts as "editing" vs "not editing."
- No more worrying about trying to link up on Thursday night just so I can get toward the top of the linkup list and maybe get more than just one comment from my solitary regular reader.
- No more worrying that it's Monday or Tuesday or even Thursday afternoon and I'm just linking up with the previous Friday's post.
- No more worrying that I didn't write a post for the previous week.
- No more worrying that no one will retweet my FMF post when it seems like they've retweeted several other bloggers' FMF posts.
So goodbye to the old way of doing Five Minute Friday. I'm breaking up with you and all the self-judgment I feel by trying to do it your way. I need to do Five Minute Friday my own way and be okay with that. I need to find my own way. Perhaps I'll see you again in a few weeks.
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