Day Two: Tell

This blog post is part of my 2017 Write 31 Days blog series 31 Reflections on Mental Health and Illness. To read the whole series, click here for the series index page.

When it comes to caring for your mental health, in my opinion, there's no more important thing than today's prompt. One of the lies that a mental illness will tell you is that you are totally alone in your struggles and that if you tell someone about what you're feeling or thinking, no one will care or believe you or they'll think less of you. This is often a hard lie to overcome, but it is an absolute requirement that you overcome it. If you don't tell someone, it won't have even a prayer of getting better. Once you overcome this, you've taken your first step on the road toward healing and health. With that in mind, here are three "tells" that are helpful as you journey forward.

1. Tell a licensed professional therapist or counsellor.

Talking to a friend or family member about what you're feeling is a great first step and it will help to a certain degree. We all need friends and family around us who are willing to listen when we need to vent, but if you're struggling with mental illness, just venting isn't going to be quite enough. A counsellor provides a neutral, non-judgmental, and outside perspective on what you're going through. They can also see things that you (and your friends or family) may not be capable of seeing due to their education and experience. Finally, a counsellor or therapist can refer you to a psychiatrist if you need medication, a psychologist for testing or more focused treatment, or other helpful resources that apply to your situation. A counsellor isn't there to tell you what to do or fix the issue for you. They are there to listen, offer perspective and insights, and guide you toward helping yourself.

Oh, and if you need to vent, they are there for that too. I have lots of people I can vent to, but there is something quite different about venting to my therapist inasmuch as I can say absolutely whatever comes into my head without fear of judgment. For his part, he often replies to my venting with something that brings about a new insight for me or helps me process whatever I'm venting about in a way that a friend or family member just can't do.

2. Tell someone if you are having thoughts of suicide.

This one is an absolute MUST. I cannot stress the importance of this one enough.

If you are thinking of killing yourself -- even if it's just a fleeting thought that goes away -- tell someone about it. It doesn't really matter who you tell, so long as you tell someone. Thoughts of suicide are serious and I want you to keep living. You can tell:

• a friend 
• a family member
• a therapist/counsellor
• a doctor or nurse
• a minister 
• a coworker
• a police officer or firefighter
• or even a stranger. 

So what if you don't feel comfortable telling anyone in your day to day real life because you're afraid of being judged or of what will happen to you if you confess those thoughts? You can tell someone and remain anonymous.

• In the US, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or you can go to their website and use their online chat to talk to someone about those thoughts. 
• If you don't want to talk to someone on the phone or via online chat, you can also text. Just text the word HELP or TALK or HELLO to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 and a trained crisis counsellor will text with you about what you're feeling. 

I keep both of these numbers stored in my phone contacts so that if I'm struggling and need an immediate listening ear, I don't have remember them or look them up in the moment. I would encourage you to do the same or at least jot them down on something to put in your wallet or purse.
 
3. Tell your story.

This one may seem counter-intuitive, but trust me. Telling your story can be incredibly helpful and healing. Despite the fact that we are talking about issues surrounding mental health and mental illness more than ever these days, we still have a long way to go toward eliminating the stigma that surrounds this subject in our society. People remain very shy and secretive about the fact that they have struggled with depression or anxiety. They worry about what others will think about them if they know or they consider it a "personal" matter that isn't something that they feel comfortable sharing with anyone. They may get treatment for it, but they do it quietly and perhaps no one ever knows, but them and their tightest inner circle.

Besides getting treatment, one of the best things I ever did for myself was to start writing about my struggles with mental illness. It was really hard when I began sharing openly about depression, anxiety, PTSD, struggles with my faith, etc. but the more I have shared, the more I have begun to understand how much it helps me. Eventually, I wrote a public declaration of the fact that I will no longer remain silent about my struggles with mental illness. I shared that one blog post as far and as wide as I could. I asked others to consider sharing it too. I am convinced that if more of us were completely vulnerable with each other, then in time, the stigma would be significantly reduced to almost nothing and those who struggle would realise that they are not alone and would feel comfortable getting the help they need.

This is why I encourage you to tell your story to the world. You need not blog about it or share it all over Facebook. You can start small by telling a friend, coworker, neighbour, or acquaintance that you've never confided in about your struggles. You can join a mental health advocacy group and tell your story to those in the group. Of course, you can blog about it too. For me, telling my story has involved all of those and by and large, it has had a real healing effect on me. There is something incredibly powerful about bringing your struggles into the light which makes you stronger and the illness weaker. By giving voice to your pain and mental health struggles, you also encourage others who may be fighting their illness without help to know that they are not alone and that help is available. It may be hard (and it's still hard for me sometimes), but I know you can do it!

A Reflection on 9/11 and Mental Health

Mom: "They're all gone."
Me: "What? What are you talking about?"
Mom: "The Twin Towers. They're gone. They're all gone!"
Me: (starting to cry) "Oh dear God. All those people..."

That conversation with my mom is how I found out that the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York City had been reduced to rubble. I was living at home, working at a local restaurant, and was off that morning. As usual, my dad had made breakfast and after eating, I decided to have a second cup of coffee and watch the Today Show with my mom. I had worked two double shifts in a row prior to that day and was still plenty tired. As I snuggled on the couch with our cocker spaniel curled up on my feet, my eyelids grew heavy and I began to drowse. At some point, mom woke me and said that there had been an explosion at one of the two Twin Towers and although I heard her, I was so sleepy that it didn't really register completely. I nodded for a bit more and then upon halfway dropping my coffee cup in the floor, decided to give it up and go back to bed for a bit. At some point after witnessing the towers collapsing, my mom woke me up to tell me the news.

I couldn't believe it. It was unfathomable and hard to wrap my head around. I remained glued to the TV for a good part of that day and the next, desperate for some scrap of something that would explain it in a way that I could really understand. As I watched and the rest of the story unfolded about the two other planes, the FAA's grounding of all flights, the military jets who were scrambled to patrol the airspace above us, the Americans stranded abroad and stranded in cities in the US away from home, the terrified people covered in ash and soot fleeing away from Ground Zero, and the many things we just didn't know yet, I began to feel terrified. The footage of the planes crashing into the towers was played over and over, people were interviewed who were desperate for word of their loved ones, and there was practically nothing else on television or the radio.

Everyone was absolutely consumed with a need to know anything and everything about what had happened. 

Then still photos and more video became available.

Then I saw it.

At first it was just a brief glimpse of part of a video and the person who was talking about what was happening said that it was a person who had jumped from one of the floors above the impact zone in that tower. They had chosen to die by suicide rather than wait around and die by fire. The video was shot from fairly far away, but as I watched, I saw a very tiny human shaped speck in free fall toward the ground.

I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I felt an intense fear grip me and my heart began to race. My heart broke for that poor soul who felt so hopeless and scared that he or she chose suicide. My heart broke again as I understood that the reality of the situation was that there was no way that that person could be rescued even if he or she had chosen to wait it out and stay alive.

I felt something else too, but I didn't realise what that feeling was until just today. 

You see, thanks to a Facebook friend, I saw that image again today. She posted a much closer range, much clearer still image shot of a person who was in free fall, having chosen to die by suicide that day. She added the comment, "Never forget the reality of 9/11. Shocking image -- but so important to remember."

I felt that feeling of intense fear grip me again and my heart began to race. I knew as my eyes took in that photo that was so clear that I could tell you what the person was wearing, that what I was feeling was the feeling of having my PTSD triggered. Fear is a kind of anxiety and whenever I feel anxiety, it almost always means that I am re-experiencing trauma from my past. In my case, what I felt on 9/11 as I watched that video footage and today as I saw the still image of a person in midair, was a re-experiencing of trauma from my childhood where I felt trapped. I was trapped in wholly different way as a child, but it was still a situation of feeling like there was no good way out and that no matter what I did, I would suffer horribly.

When I saw that video footage at age 25, something inside me went back to when I was a child and a teenager and although what I was witnessing wasn't literally happening to me, in a sense, it was happening to me -- at least in some part of my mind. Anytime I get too close to the graphic details of someone's death by suicide, it has that affect on me. Part of this is because I have attempted suicide three times, so there's a strong association with that too. While this person's situation was different than my struggles with mental illness, there is a common thread between us in the feeling of being trapped. He or she was quite literally trapped with no way out but to die in one way or another. I felt trapped, but because of my mental illness was unable to see the reality that I could find a way out that didn't mean death by my own hand.

Seeing that photo today brought it all back to me in a flash. My friend said of the image that although it was shocking it is "so important to remember."

No. No it's not. It's not important to remember all the graphic, gory, horrible, terrifying details. It's really, truly not.

I and many other people like me could live our entire lives without seeing that photo ever again. We could do that AND successfully remember what an awful, life-shaking day that was. It is not necessary to rehash all the nightmarish minutiae in order to recall the events of that day. It is not necessary to subject ourselves or others to the most lurid tidbits each year. For many people who lost someone that day and those who lived through the terror of that day, they will never forget even though they may desperately wish they could.

I don't need to purposefully expose myself to all of that in order to remember and not forget. All I need do is look at the calendar.

The date itself -- September 11th -- will, to quote President Franklin D. Roosevelt, live in infamy in the hearts and minds of those who were alive to see it. They will recall with crystal clarity how awful it was and the fear of those moments when they realised that our collective culture as Americans had been irrevocably changed forever. They will forever see the date of 9/11/2001 as a kind of dividing line between the way things were and the way things are now.

More to the point, repeated viewing of those kinds of images can negatively affect the mental health of those who see it, especially if they are prone to depression, anxiety, or PTSD or have survived a suicide attempt. I know it negatively affected my mental health today.

I'll be 100% honest and transparent. I haven't been in a great place over these last few months and came very close to attempting suicide in July. It's why I've not been posting much. I've been working hard in therapy on trying to process trauma and one of the side effects is that it stirs up a lot of emotions that I've spent my whole life trying to stuff down. It's hard, but I have the help of my support team and strategies to keep myself safe and cared for when things are really hard. Sometimes though, something comes along that triggers something and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it. Today was one of those days. That photo triggered me and it made me mad.

I got mad because it wasn't necessary for me or anyone else to see it and now I can't get it out of my mind, so here I am writing about it. I got so mad that I unfriended the person who posted it and reported the post to Facebook. I rarely ever do something like that, so you can bet if I do, there's a good reason. For me, the reason is that I don't need someone in my life who is that insensitive to others and I'm pretty sure that posting that kind of thing goes against Facebook's terms of service.

I don't expect everyone around me to know or understand my personal triggers, much less be responsible for not triggering me. I take full responsibility for that. What I do expect is for someone to understand that it's not okay to post stuff that is very obviously upsetting to a large percentage of the population.

Please hear me when I say this: posting photos of suicide is NOT okay ever. NEVER EVER EVER EVER. There is NEVER a good reason to post a photo of suicide on social media or use it in a news article on TV or the internet. If you get nothing else from what I'm saying here, PLEASE get this.

Even if it doesn't trigger anyone, it's disrespectful to the person who has died and to their family. But the thing is, research has shown that publicly posting photos or videos of suicide IS triggering and can create a kind of contagion effect where others wind up attempting suicide too. Even if you don't know the research, I just cannot understand how anyone thinks that it's okay to post something like that. There's just NO need for it and it can do so much harm.

If you want to remember 9/11 or any other major event by looking at photos or videos like that, go ahead. Just leave me and everyone else out of it by keeping them to yourself.

FMF: Sing

I didn't think I had anything to say about this week's prompt word, but suddenly the first sentence came to me and then I found that I couldn't stop writing. I love my Five Minute Friday community, but on those weeks when the inspiration does actually come, five minutes just isn't enough to convey everything that is in my heart. So without further ado, this week's prompt word:

 

SING

What do you do when you can't sing?
What do you do when your heart can't hear the song anymore?
What do you do when the song that once called you now hurts you with its words?
What do you do when your voice leaves you and the notes are replaced with tears?

The good Christian and Catholic answer would be that you keep singing.

But it's not that easy. It's just not.

It's not that easy when every time your eyes take in the words on the music sheet or hymnal and you feel a knot in your stomach, a lump forming in your throat, a quivering tremble in your normally steady voice, or a white hot anger spreading through your chest. Honestly, sometimes when your the song becomes too painful to sing, what you do is stop singing.

I know. I know. That's not what you're supposed to do. But it happens.

Can I tell you something? Despite whatever message shame and guilt are telling you, sometimes it's 100% okay to stop singing. God understands. He understands the pain and suffering we are enduring and that sometimes forcing ourselves to sing just exacerbates that pain. He's felt the same pain you are feeling -- whatever that may be. He gets it in a way that no one else can or ever will. It's because not only did He feel that ache in your heart when He was put to death for the sins of mankind, but He feels it now. He is with you in your pain. More to the point, when we are suffering, we are closest to His Sacred Heart.

So what do you do when you can't offer a song of praise or worship or even thanksgiving to God? What on earth do you do?

You offer up your sorrows instead. Offer every tear, every heartache, every moment of screaming and shaking anger, and every little bit of you that hurts. Offer that up to Him. You may be asking the question, "well, how do I do that?" The easiest thing to do is to make a conscious decision that whenever you feel all the things that steal your voice, that you will say to Him, "Jesus, I offer these to You." It doesn't have to be any kind of flowery or fancy sounding prayer. Just a humble offering in the midst of pain. Yes, that sounds easy and yes, it's hard to do. It can be especially hard to do if you are angry with Him.

So if you're angry at Him, what then? If that is what you are feeling and you can't bring yourself to offer anything to Him, just offer Him the promise that you won't run away. You can rage. You can rail. You can scream. You can tell Him exactly how you feel and use all the swear words in your vocabulary. All of the above are acceptable because He can take it. Just offer Him the promise that no matter how angry you get, you will keep coming back to Him. That means that you'll continue to do at least the bare bones basics of faith so as not to let the relationship die. Things might be distant for a while and you might be tempted to turn away, but keep turning back to Him. Sing Him the song of your promise to be obedient and faithful even amidst your anger.

I know that if you are hurting -- no matter the reason -- that you may be screaming at your computer screen right now and telling me in no uncertain terms that I'm bonkers or that I don't get it. You may be crying as you read this because you think that there's no way that you'll ever sing again. You may be in such great pain that you are praying that He will mercifully take you from this life. You may have reached a point where you are no longer concerned with singing any song because you are thinking of ending your life yourself. 

I know absolutely all of these pains. I know the anger, the rage, the heartbreak, the deep ache of wanting the pain to stop, the praying that God would take my life, the thoughts of suicide so dark that I couldn't see my way into the next hour, much less tomorrow. I know all of these things so well, my friend. I get it on a deep level.

Actually, I get it right now. I've had a week when the heavy dark cloud has been hanging over me and I just couldn't shake it. This evening, in fact, I felt so overwhelmed by it that I lost my ability to care that I was in the floor, shaking with sobs, and my eldest daughter was watching it all. It was horrible. It's still not so great. My classically trained soprano voice hasn't sung at all this week.

To be honest, I've not regularly sung His praises in the way that I normally love to do, for almost three years. So what have I done? I've continued in obedience and done the bare bones. I've gone to Mass each week and on holy days. I've prayed the blessing over meals. I've prayed bedtime prayers with my children and husband. I've wept so many tears that they would likely fill a rather large vat by this point and many of them as I've been on my knees before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I've screamed at Him (yes, with profanities on occasion) and told Him how angry I am and that I felt abandoned by Him when I needed Him most. I have, in my own disjointed and imperfect way, tried to continue on in faith and obedience even when I didn't feel anything and even when I didn't want to anymore.

My efforts to that end haven't been fruitless, but I have needed an abundance of help from my spiritual director, Fr. B. and the graces of the sacraments of Reconciliation (confession), Anointing of the Sick, and the Eucharist. Those meetings with Fr. B and the graces I've received through frequent reception of the sacraments have been like a healing balm that works slowly, but steadily. I can't say that my song has returned in full, but I am finding moments when the words and music fill me up with more than pain. I still don't sing as much as I once did, but my voice is returning in fits and starts.

So if you can't sing and it hurts too much, know that you are not alone. He is with you even in your pain and anger and silence. May Christ who knows your pain and hears your silent anguished song abide with you until you can sing again.

*********

If you find yourself at that place where you are thinking of suicide, please reach out to someone. If you need it, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or if you'd rather text to someone, text the word HOME to 741741 and the Crisis Text line will text you back.

Day Two: First

When life comes along with a challenge or a task which seems complicated or overwhelming, many people ask the question, "What do we do first?" It's the natural human way of approaching something that has lots of pieces, parts, steps, or that seems difficult to understand or navigate. First steps are important to get right because they can often determine the course of things or the order of any steps which come after it. They may even determine the outcome of a particular endeavour.

When you realise or someone else realises that you are experiencing symptoms of what may be a mental illness, it is the perfect question to ask. There are a few different first steps that can be taken when this is the case:

1. Make an appointment with your regular doctor. 

At this appointment, talk to him or her about your concerns and your symptoms. As your regular doctor knows your medical history, he can use that to determine if perhaps your symptoms are related to an issue you already have and if so, what the appropriate action is. He may order blood or imaging tests to rule out certain physical illnesses which may have symptoms that are the same as what you are experiencing. He may prescribe medication or change a medication that you already take. He may also go ahead and refer you to a psychiatrist and/or therapist.

2. You can make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist.

If you have many symptoms that seem to fit a particular mental illness and you are reasonably sure you aren't physically ill, you may choose to do this as your first step. Like meeting with your doctor, a psychiatrist or therapist can help you understand if you do have a diagnosable mental illness that needs therapy or medications. If you do not have a diagnosable mental illness, a therapist or psychiatrist can still help you in dealing with the symptoms or particular challenges of whatever is actually going on which is causing the symptoms -- including if it's caused by a physical illness of some kind.

3. If you realise you are having symptoms of a mental illness, but no one else around you has noticed, tell someone.

This is a hard first step, I know. It requires a lot of courage and some discernment too. It may be the very last thing you want to do, but it's critical if you want to get better. I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating, but it really is that vital. If you have a mental illness, you're going to need a strong support system outside of your doctor and/or therapist. You're going to want someone you can call or text or visit with who will listen, be there for you, and walk with you through it. Since not everyone is equipped to handle being that kind of support, that's where the discernment comes into play. You want to choose someone who you trust and who you know you can count on when things get hard. Ideally, this should be someone who is close enough to where you live that you can be around them in person, but it doesn't have to be. Even better would be for you to have more than one person you can talk to about things, so that if one person is unable to be there in a given moment, you've got other people you can turn to when things go pear-shaped.

4. If you don't have anyone you can tell how about your symptoms, try calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) and talk to someone there. 

You don't have to be suicidal to call them. They are trained to listen and can offer a way of venting your feelings if you have no one you can turn to in your day to day life. They can also provide you with resources to find help in your area if you don't know where to start looking. I keep this number in my phone for myself for those times when I know that my support people are either tapped out emotionally or physically or when they're unavailable for some reason (like being out of contact because of vacation or limited access to phone or the internet). I have called a few times as well when I had my normal supports available, but was struggling to reach out to them like I normally would. The Lifeline is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with mental health issues and for those who are part of their support team.

Just as there are positive first steps you can take as you start a particular task, there are ones that, if taken, will make your task all the harder. With that in mind, here are three "first steps" to avoid:

1. Staying silent and trying to go it alone. -- Silence helps no one, least of all, you. If you're dealing with a mental illness, going it alone and trying to muscle your way through it in silence will only work for so long. Ask me how I know this.

2. Freaking out and doing nothing. -- This is a hard one to avoid because it's a very common reaction when you're dealing with something that is as overwhelming as the symptoms of mental illness can be. Also, no one really wants to have a mental illness, so freaking out is pretty normal. Just don't let it stop you completely.

3. Ignoring the symptoms in the hope that they will go away. -- If you have a diagnosable mental illness and you do this, I can guarantee you that it won't work and it will only make things worse. It won't help if your symptoms are the result of a physical illness either. Trust me. Ignoring things and trying to distract yourself from what you're feeling may work temporarily, but in the long run, you'll need some help from professionals in one way or another.

If you follow the first steps mentioned above (and avoid those other first steps), you will be glad you did. It's a pretty tired old adage, but it's true when people say that the first step is the hardest. It is. That first step takes immense courage and when you're already feeling so vulnerable, that can be even harder. Know this though: you CAN do it. You can! I believe in you! Go forth and conquer that first step! Once you've done it, you'll be on the path and then, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step at a time.