One Word 365 Recap and Thoughts on 2017 - part 2

(If you missed it, click here for part 1)

I didn't connect this struggle of faith with hopelessness until one very dark afternoon while waiting in the carpool line at my daughters' school. I had been struggling through several very days of dark moods when my friend Chez, who had been very concerned about me when I stopped talking to him, called me on the phone as I sat waiting for school to get out. He suggested to me that what I was feeling with regard to God sounded like hopelessness and I knew at once that he was right. I realised when he said it that I had cringed at the sound of the word and that I'd been actively avoiding using that word. I knew that the painful, gaping hole inside me was there because of a lack of hope. You would think that knowing this might help, but it only seemed to make it worse. I sank deeper into despair and grew more and more disconnected from my faith and, subsequently, from any desire to continue living.

To make a long story short, a flicker of light appeared in March of 2015. That's when I attended a Lenten ladies' devotion at our parish that was led by our family's beloved friend, Fr. B. After the devotion ended and everyone was chatting and nibbling on snacks, I went to say hello to Fr. B as it had been a good year or so since we'd seen each other. After our initial hellos, he asked how I was. I didn't want to burden him with my troubles, but something in the tone of his voice when he asked the question reminded me that he is more than just a priest, but a dear friend. That reminder of our treasured friendship undid my resolve and any attempt at trying to pretend I was "just fine" completely crumbled. In a choked up voice, I told him that things were hard and I'd had much better. He looked at me with such compassion that I felt myself start to cry a little bit. He handed me a napkin, gave me a hug, and said he'd be praying for me. That alone was a priceless gift, but then he told me to send him an email and we'd get together at his parish and pray about it. I did just that and a week or so later, we met together.

I'll admit that at that first meeting, I wasn't very keen on the idea of praying at all and told Father as much. He understood and before insisting that we pray anyway, he heard my confession and gave me the anointing of the sick. After those two sacraments, we began to pray -- or rather he prayed. I sat beside him and as the words of the prayers washed over me, the dam burst and I bawled like a baby. When Father finished praying, we talked briefly while I wiped my face and then we walked over to the main church and he gave me communion before leaving me there by myself to pray.  As I knelt there in the church, a sense of calm stole over me that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I had promised Father that I would stay for at least 10 minutes, but somewhere in the midst of that silence, 10 minutes stretched into an hour without my even noticing it.

After that meeting, we began to meet regularly, about 1-2 times a month for spiritual direction and prayer and over time, that increased to weekly at times based on my need (and his schedule) along with keeping in close touch by email as well. What grew out of those spiritual direction meetings was a very slow and very tenuous renewed relationship with God. In the past year and a half, there have been moments when I have wondered if what I was feeling stir within me was a spark of hope, but every time I have felt this -- whatever this is -- it has gone as quickly as it came, snuffed out by fear, PTSD triggers, or the circumstances of life. I have longed for hope to return and it has remained elusive and also something that I simply cannot bring myself to believe that I will ever have again.

And yet.....here we are and it's time to choose another word for the year and I'm being nudged by the Holy Spirit to choose "hope" as my word for 2017. I felt this insistent nudge about a week or so ago and immediately refused to entertain the idea. I've continued to feel it since then and every time I have shut the idea down so fast that if it had a head, it would spin. Nope. Nope. Nope. BIG old NOPE. Think of Dana Carvey's impersonation of George H. W. Bush where he says, "Nope, not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture." That's basically where I'm at right now.

The Holy Spirit even went so far as to nudge me to mention this idea to Pendragon during our last session and to Gray last night. Obviously, Pendragon didn't push me and neither did Gray, but I know that both of them would be encouraged if I did decide to take the plunge and make "hope" my word for this coming year. The thing is, I can't do it because of how I know it would make them feel. If I chose this for any reason other than a desire within myself, I think it would be a miserable failure.

And yet....and yet this nudge is persistent. Do you know how I know this nudge is from the Holy Spirit? It's because everything within me -- every instinct, every gut reaction, every fiber of my being -- is screaming at the top of its voice, "Noooooooooooooo!!!!" and as much as I want to ignore this nudge to do it, I simply can't. It's not that it's louder than my own voice, but that it's just as loud and inexhaustibly, relentlessly determined not to let me wiggle or headbutt my way out of this.

So here I am on the edge of 2016 becoming 2017, still resisting and still scared. I know I need to just bite the bullet, say "Okay" and make the commitment, but for whatever reason, I just can't. Then why write this long essay about words and this subject? Because I needed to write it and because I know that despite not beginning the new year with a new word, this isn't over yet. It's only just beginning.

In the meantime, pray for me. God knows that not only did I need to write this, but that I need to do it too and only He can help me find the courage to plumb the depths of this virtue and learn how to find it, embrace it, and allow it to grow in my heart once again.

One Word 365 Recap and Thoughts on 2017

Eleventh Doctor: Vincent, can I help?
Vincent van Gogh: It is so clear you cannot help. And when you leave, and everyone always leaves, I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.
Eleventh Doctor: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly, always hope.

*****************

I'm not gonna lie y'all. It was a rough year for me personally. It was also a year that turned my world upside down in a way that was really difficult (and still is to a great degree), but that will, I think, eventually wind up being positive. The jury is still out on that, but my therapist Pendragon said something at our most recent session on Thursday that he hasn't said in a long time. Actually, he used a word that he hasn't dared to use in a long time -- but more on that later.

A couple of years ago I discovered this thing called One Word 365. Basically, the idea is that you select a word for the year to be a kind of focus word, if you will, that you allow to influence and change you mentally/emotionally, physically, or spiritually. For 2015, I chose two words because as much as I tried, I couldn't shake the idea that I needed to embrace both of them -- write and follow. The first one was chosen because I had just come off the 2014 Write 31 Days challenge in October and I wanted to commit myself to writing in my blog more regularly and keeping up with it instead of just throwing it to the side. In the two years that have been since, I've had ups and downs, but I think I've managed to write at least one entry each month and some months, more than one. That may not seem like much, but it's a start. I chose "follow" as a word because I was struggling spiritually with wanting to follow after Christ. I've spent pretty much my entire life following Christ, but had gone through a trauma so severe that it had shaken my faith to the deepest levels. I wanted a reminder of what I had always done and that I knew deep down that I still wanted to do -- follow Him.

For 2016, I kept my 2015 words and added a third -- move. In 2015, I participated in my first ever Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk and struggled physically much more than I wanted to do. After only completing about 1.5 miles of the total 18, I felt defeated and I knew that although I had emotionally been struggling, I wasn't in the physical shape I needed or wanted to be either. I also knew that I needed to lose weight and make some changes to better my health, so I decided that a good first step would be to start moving more. To that end, I joined a local gym so that I could start walking and lifting some weights and in April, I got a Fitbit tracker to help motivate me to take more steps each day. I can't say that I suddenly became a fitness fanatic, but I did get more steps in this year and as a result, I lost a little weight and got in a little better shape. This year I completed 7 miles of the 18 during the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk and that was with the addition of taking a nasty tumble and mildly injuring myself. So although it wasn't a hugely different year with regard to fitness, it was a better year than the one before it and it is the beginning of a journey that I'm going to continue this year.

Speaking of this year, I suppose it's time to tell you about what happened the other night in Pendragon's office. You see, out of deference to how much he knows I've struggled with it, there is a word that he has studiously avoided using for the most part over the last three and a half years. He knows how much this word has caused me anguish and buckets of tears. He knows how many hours I've spent in his office talking around this word, afraid to even breathe it aloud. Because of that, he hasn't pressed me on it, but during our conversation on Thursday, he went out on a limb and said that he felt like the things I've been learning with my psychologist Dr. D have been beneficial and that the fact that I've been able to use those skills is a good reason for hope.

Hope.

I have to be honest. Just typing that scares the heck out of me. I have been scared for almost four years to have hope. It is to the point that in the beginning, I couldn't make myself utter the word aloud, not even in its more common sense (like "I hope you have a great birthday."), much less talk about it in any depth or use the word in its theological sense. A lot of my reluctance to talk about it has come from the fact that part of the theological sense of it has to do with trusting God. For someone who has trusted God her whole life, that ought to be easy, but trauma has a funny way of changing the most fundamental things about a person in ways that he or she never thought possible.

You see, the trauma that I endured and the PTSD that came about as a result of it also created a deep pit of anger within me and a quite a lot of that anger was directed towards God. I felt deserted by Him in my greatest hour of need, despite having cried out to him amidst the ordeal I went through. It was as though He had vanished completely. The silence was deafening and the sense of His presence which had always been so real to me, was gone so completely it was as though I had never felt it at all. The combination of the trauma itself plus feeling so completely abandoned by God shook my faith so much that for a very long time, I wanted nothing to do with God or even anything associated with God in any way. It got so bad that I eventually began to doubt my faith and struggle with the temptation to turn away from God completely.

(Please click here for part 2.)

Quick Update -- November

It's been well over a month since I've written. I'm still alive and kicking, although more than a little bit busy. This time of year is normally very busy for our family (LOTS of birthdays, feast days, holidays, parties, school performances, etc), but it has been made even busier by an increase in therapy for me. I'll just suffice it to say that I was dreading the general election on November 8th for various reasons and then the results hit me very, very hard. I am, quite honestly, still trying to recover from that. That may not make much sense to many of you, but it is where I'm at right now. Perhaps one day I'll write more about what happened that day and what I'm currently feeling, but now is not the time for it.

Speaking of writing, I don't know how much I'm going to be writing in the next month or so. I'm kind of re-evaluating what I want to write about in this blog and if I even want to continue this blog at all. I think it serves a purpose at times, but sometimes I'm not sure that it's what I want to keep doing. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and ideas for posts, but I'm struggling a lot to make any of it make sense or sound coherent. I'm also struggling to stay true to my goal of writing on a consistent basis. I'm not totally ready to give it up, but I'm trying to discern what the best path is for me. Right now, this blog is definitely on the back burner as my family and my spiritual and mental health are my top priority.

If you want to keep up with new posts, the best way to do that is to like my blog Facebook page (Tales From A Southern Catholic Momma). When I post something new here, I'll add a post there with a link. It seems the easiest way to handle things. For now, that's about all I've got.

Pax!

Day Two: First

When life comes along with a challenge or a task which seems complicated or overwhelming, many people ask the question, "What do we do first?" It's the natural human way of approaching something that has lots of pieces, parts, steps, or that seems difficult to understand or navigate. First steps are important to get right because they can often determine the course of things or the order of any steps which come after it. They may even determine the outcome of a particular endeavour.

When you realise or someone else realises that you are experiencing symptoms of what may be a mental illness, it is the perfect question to ask. There are a few different first steps that can be taken when this is the case:

1. Make an appointment with your regular doctor. 

At this appointment, talk to him or her about your concerns and your symptoms. As your regular doctor knows your medical history, he can use that to determine if perhaps your symptoms are related to an issue you already have and if so, what the appropriate action is. He may order blood or imaging tests to rule out certain physical illnesses which may have symptoms that are the same as what you are experiencing. He may prescribe medication or change a medication that you already take. He may also go ahead and refer you to a psychiatrist and/or therapist.

2. You can make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist.

If you have many symptoms that seem to fit a particular mental illness and you are reasonably sure you aren't physically ill, you may choose to do this as your first step. Like meeting with your doctor, a psychiatrist or therapist can help you understand if you do have a diagnosable mental illness that needs therapy or medications. If you do not have a diagnosable mental illness, a therapist or psychiatrist can still help you in dealing with the symptoms or particular challenges of whatever is actually going on which is causing the symptoms -- including if it's caused by a physical illness of some kind.

3. If you realise you are having symptoms of a mental illness, but no one else around you has noticed, tell someone.

This is a hard first step, I know. It requires a lot of courage and some discernment too. It may be the very last thing you want to do, but it's critical if you want to get better. I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating, but it really is that vital. If you have a mental illness, you're going to need a strong support system outside of your doctor and/or therapist. You're going to want someone you can call or text or visit with who will listen, be there for you, and walk with you through it. Since not everyone is equipped to handle being that kind of support, that's where the discernment comes into play. You want to choose someone who you trust and who you know you can count on when things get hard. Ideally, this should be someone who is close enough to where you live that you can be around them in person, but it doesn't have to be. Even better would be for you to have more than one person you can talk to about things, so that if one person is unable to be there in a given moment, you've got other people you can turn to when things go pear-shaped.

4. If you don't have anyone you can tell how about your symptoms, try calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) and talk to someone there. 

You don't have to be suicidal to call them. They are trained to listen and can offer a way of venting your feelings if you have no one you can turn to in your day to day life. They can also provide you with resources to find help in your area if you don't know where to start looking. I keep this number in my phone for myself for those times when I know that my support people are either tapped out emotionally or physically or when they're unavailable for some reason (like being out of contact because of vacation or limited access to phone or the internet). I have called a few times as well when I had my normal supports available, but was struggling to reach out to them like I normally would. The Lifeline is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with mental health issues and for those who are part of their support team.

Just as there are positive first steps you can take as you start a particular task, there are ones that, if taken, will make your task all the harder. With that in mind, here are three "first steps" to avoid:

1. Staying silent and trying to go it alone. -- Silence helps no one, least of all, you. If you're dealing with a mental illness, going it alone and trying to muscle your way through it in silence will only work for so long. Ask me how I know this.

2. Freaking out and doing nothing. -- This is a hard one to avoid because it's a very common reaction when you're dealing with something that is as overwhelming as the symptoms of mental illness can be. Also, no one really wants to have a mental illness, so freaking out is pretty normal. Just don't let it stop you completely.

3. Ignoring the symptoms in the hope that they will go away. -- If you have a diagnosable mental illness and you do this, I can guarantee you that it won't work and it will only make things worse. It won't help if your symptoms are the result of a physical illness either. Trust me. Ignoring things and trying to distract yourself from what you're feeling may work temporarily, but in the long run, you'll need some help from professionals in one way or another.

If you follow the first steps mentioned above (and avoid those other first steps), you will be glad you did. It's a pretty tired old adage, but it's true when people say that the first step is the hardest. It is. That first step takes immense courage and when you're already feeling so vulnerable, that can be even harder. Know this though: you CAN do it. You can! I believe in you! Go forth and conquer that first step! Once you've done it, you'll be on the path and then, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step at a time.

Day One: Season

As summer slowly fades into autumn, the time of the year that I call The Season of Celebrations begins for our family. In the next three months, we have the following:

• Five birthdays
• Our wedding anniversary
• Four major holidays
• Three Holy Days of Obligation
• Four name and/or patron saint feast days
• Two additional saint feast days plus one of the many feasts celebrating Our Lord
• Advent and the beginning of the Catholic New Year
• Choir concerts at school
• Class Christmas parties
• Family coming to visit

And all these are just extras on top the normal day to day things of life like chores, paying bills, cooking meals, parenting responsibilities, grocery shopping, school, work, and church. I often joke that at I take a really big breath somewhere around mid-September and don't exhale until January 2nd. It certainly feels like things move crazy fast and there's just not enough time for anything during this season of the year. I think the fact that the days get shorter and darker earlier makes it feel even faster than it already would.

Another thing that makes this season seem to rush by is that I'm personally going through a difficult season of life as I struggle with PTSD and depression. This season has been ongoing for just shy of four years now. It has its own challenges because it adds to the frenetic pace of this season. Part of this is because I have been engaged in quite a lot of therapy and other supports to try to find some healing from this. Each week, I see my therapist twice by myself and once with Gray for marital therapy, my psychologist for EMDR and other help with PTSD (his area of expertise), and my spiritual director for prayer and spiritual counsel. I also have a special holy hour each week after my meeting with Fr. B. All of these things help me stay on a more even keel emotionally, but they not only take time to do, but I spend quite a bit of time in the car going from one appointment to another and back home again.

To be honest, I'm dreading the upcoming fall season of celebrations because I'm feeling tired and less than able to manage it all, but I don't have much choice. Guess I need to talk to Pendragon about ways to lessen my stress and help me get through this special season of the year. This is a strategy that I often employ when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life -- make a note of it and make it a priority to bring up in my individual or our marital therapy sessions. Pendragon always has good ideas and often is able to help me find a balance. I highly recommend that if you struggle with a mental illness, talk to your therapist or doctor about ways you can better manage the more stressful seasons of your life -- be they the end of the year holidays or other times of the year.

My prayer for this upcoming Season of Celebrations is that it is one that is full of joy and goes much more smoothly than I am anticipating!

31 Days of Forgotten Fridays

This year instead of trying to come up with something super original for Write 31 Days, I decided to go back to Fridays. Five Minute Fridays, that is. Because of life interruptions, sickness, family issues, and difficulties getting my writing mojo flowing, there have been quite a number of Five Minute Friday prompts that I've not written on or linked up in the past year. There were some of these prompts that I had ideas for but just couldn't manage to get anything written before the next week and the next prompt rolled around. There were other prompts that nailed me between the eyes so hard due to their appropriateness for my life at that time that I found it impossible to write something based on them. There were still other prompts that I just totally didn't even see the first time around because I was so inundated with dealing with life that I completely forgot about looking for the prompt and writing on it.

Because I'm going through quite a lot of late and don't have a lot of mental capacity to write much of anything (just check the gaps in the dates on this blog), I decided to try and use this month to focus on getting myself back into a habit of writing more often. To that end, I made a list of these "forgotten" Five Minute Friday prompts and decided to use those as a jumping off point for my Write 31 Days series this year. As of the writing of this, I am four days into October and haven't yet written any of the days, but I'm going to do my best to get caught up and have the first five days up and published by tomorrow (which is October 5th). 

Those of you who know me from the Five Minute Friday community will already know this, but if you're new to my blog, you should know that I'm a FMF slacker. I don't exactly set a timer and only write for five minutes. I don't always write and publish without editing. I have tried to do things by the rules, but have wound up with tons of anxiety and self-doubt about everything I've written. For my own mental health, I decided to do it my way. I write whatever I want on the prompt and take however long it takes me to write it. I know that means it's not technically a "five minute" Friday, but I don't think anyone minds too much.

I guess that's it for now. I hope you enjoy this little jaunt through 31 Days of Forgotten Fridays!

P. S. I'm hoping to be able to kind of tie all the posts together with a common theme, but if that proves too difficult, I may just write whatever I'm inspired to write.

Five Minute Friday: Five

It's been a while since I've linked up with my friends in the Five Minute Friday community, but for the first time in some weeks, I actually had a decent idea for the prompt. Granted, the idea came to me as I was falling asleep last night, but I managed to remember it, so here it is! 

FIVE

Five Things I Love About Fall

As of this past Thursday, it is officially fall. Where I live, the first day of fall never quite feels like fall, so it's hard to get into the fall state of mind. Even after the official first day of fall, the temps remain summer like in the 90s during the day and dropping into the upper 70s at night. The trees are still mostly clad in green and short sleeves and shorts still abound everywhere you look. That said last Friday night, I saw a graphic from a local meteorologist on Twitter with the comment that after Sunday, we would get to say goodbye to the 90s! The graphic showed the highs and lows for the next week or so and I nearly squealed when I saw that the last day on it had a low of 56! Huzzah! As it is Thursday again today, I can say that it's officially FALL!!! The temps the past few days have been AMAZING! Today was absolutely gloriously gorgeous with clear sunny skies and temperatures that didn't get above about 75. With the advent of these fabulous temperatures, it brings to mind all the many things that I love about this time of year, so without further ado, here are FIVE things I love about fall!

1. Fall leaves - I've loved gazing at fall foliage since I was a young girl. There's something so lovely and magical about how the leaves turn from the greens of summer to the sunny yellows, subdued browns, bright oranges, and flaming reds of autumn. My mother used to say that the trees were exchanging their summer dresses for fall ones. As a girl, I loved to imagine the trees standing front of a mirror trying on their new colours before deciding what to "wear."

2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes - Nowadays, there's pumpkin spice everything. You can walk through the aisles of your local grocery stores and find cookies, cream cheese, cereals, breads, ice cream, cakes, air fresheners, soaps, and even deodorant! The thing that I think started it all is the Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte. The popularity of the PSL is so big these days that it's almost a little bit uncool to say that you like them, but I'm not ashamed. I LOVE a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks! There's something about them that never fails to help reduce my stress levels and make me feel calm. 

3. Soups and Stews -- I am very happy to eat a bowl of soup or stew or chowder any time of the year, but there's nothing quite like a steaming bowl of soup on a chilly fall day that makes you feel good inside. Some soups and stews -- like chili or creamy butternut squash -- are the kind of thing that just begs to be made and eaten when the mercury starts dropping and I am all too happy to oblige. In fact, as far as chili goes, I am chomping at the bit for things to get cold enough to make it because it just doesn't seem nearly as good when the weather is warmer as it does on a crisp fall night.

4. Snuggly Blankets -- Where we live in the south, summers are spent with ceiling fans whirring and lightweight sheets and covers when you sleep, but I really look forward to when it cools off so I can break out my fuzzy, snuggly blankets. I love to sit on the couch on a cool morning, watching TV with my first cup of coffee with a big fuzzy blanket draped across my lap. One of my favourite memories made in the last four years is snuggling with my youngest, GB, sharing one of those blankets while she watches Daniel Tiger and I drink my coffee. I'm not really a big fan of mornings, but when she snuggles up to me like that, it makes everything -- including the fuzzy blanket we share -- that much better. 

5. More Energy, Less Sweat -- One of the things that I like least about summer is the fact that the heat and humidity do more than just make me uncomfortable and frizzy haired. They are so oppressive at times that they drain my energy to the point that I just don't feel like doing much of anything. The heat of the summer also means that I wind up sweating a lot more than normal which also contributes to the lack of energy. When the temperatures finally cool off, I often find that I suddenly feel like I have a burst of energy that I didn't have before. My favourite thing is when I step outside for the first time after things cool off and can really feel the difference in the air temp, it's like someone has hit me with a little bit of sugar to my blood stream. It's not what I'd call invigorating, but it definitely energises me. I love being able to sleep more comfortably and without waking up feeling slightly sweaty. It's bliss! 

Bonus Thing I Love About Fall: My beloved patron saint, Pope St. John Paul II, has his feast day during the fall on October 22nd! I can't wait to celebrate his feast day in a few weeks!

What are you favourite things about fall? Tell me about them in the comments!