Day Twenty-four (extra content) - Five Minute Friday: Dare

Note: The following is my weekly five minute long contribution to the Five Minute Friday community. For more information on Five Minute Friday and how to join in this incredible community, click here to learn more at Kate Motaung's blog Heading Home. If you want to join in the fun and link up with all of this week's FMF based on the prompt below, click here.

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~Dare~ 

 

I dared to believe that the partial hospitalisation program at Green Tree could help me one more time.
I dared to hope that it would render the same results that it had the first time almost four years ago.
I dared to hope that God would help me through it.
I dared to trust in the people who run the program and in their abilities to help me.
I dared to trust in the therapist who I spoke with when I had that awful horrible no good day.
I dared to think that the worst of it was over after speaking with her.
I dared to feel "cautiously optimistic" when I returned to the program the following morning.
I dared to believe that it would all be okay.

I was wrong. I was horribly, horribly, irrevocably wrong.

But still, I dared.
I dared to believe after the trauma of being inpatient at Pine View that I could get past my anger.
I dared to believe that I could force myself to come face to face with those who betrayed me and ignore that betrayal.
I dared to believe that I could still get everything that the partial hospitalisation program had to offer and use to for my benefit.
I dared to tell the doctor exactly how angry I was at the prospect of coming back to that place.
I dared to fight for the opportunity to return to a place where I had been betrayed just so I could prove that I was stronger than that betrayal.
I dared to come back to that program and endure the entire three weeks of it.
I dared to do all of these things in an effort to get better, to recover, to move out of the darkness.

I dared to hope that through all the writing of this painful dark journey that things might be getting better.

I was wrong and foolish to have dared.

Five Minute Friday

Day Twenty-one: Owning My Anger

It is almost a month now since I have been home from Pine View and I just "graduated" from Green Tree's partial hospitalisation program about a week ago. Since I only got through two full days of the program when I began it before my stint at Pine View, they just restarted me from the beginning. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to be allowed to go back.