Day Twenty-one: Owning My Anger

It is almost a month now since I have been home from Pine View and I just "graduated" from Green Tree's partial hospitalisation program about a week ago. Since I only got through two full days of the program when I began it before my stint at Pine View, they just restarted me from the beginning. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to be allowed to go back.

Day Fourteen: Down the Rabbit Hole

Note: This entry is particularly long. I started to separate it into multiple entries, but I could not find a good place to split it that made sense to me. I am going to insert some pauses, if you will, in the form of asterisks, so that if you need to grab another cup of coffee, change a diaper, make a phone call or just take a break, you'll have some way of finding your place again. I apologize in advance for the length of it and offer my sincere gratitude to all of you who are reading. Thank you.

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It is Wednesday morning and I am on my way to Mass for the third day in a row. This morning though, there is a healthy lunch packed in my insulated bag and although I'm not what I'd call really happy, my overall mood is definitely lighter as I drive along. Yesterday on my daily assessment, I rated the intensity of my depression at a 9 out of a possible 10, although in all honesty, it was probably closer to a 10. I know I was trying to hide it a little bit though. Today though, I feel like it is sitting somewhere around a 6 or 7. It's not a complete 180 degree difference, but definitely a step in the right direction. With any luck, by the end of the partial hospitalisation program, I will be able to get that number down to nearly 0.

Day Thirteen (part 2): A Leap of Faith

****Note: This entry contains mentions of suicide (non-graphic). Please read with caution if you are easily triggered by this subject.

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I leave the house, head to Mass and make my apologies, tears streaming down my face from beneath my veil. My plan is to leave Mass, find somewhere that I can do it and then end it.  Perhaps it is the graces of receiving the Holy Eucharist, but I find that I cannot do it quite so easily as I thought. I had not planned to actually go to the program today, but I find myself in the parking lot before I know it. I go inside, sign in, put my insulated back (with my means inside it) in the refrigerator and go back to the main group room. As I begin my daily assessment, I feel as though I am visibly shaking, so I take my rosary out of my purse and hold it in my hand. I am not praying, but something about holding my rosary calms me enough that I can pick up my pen and actually fill in the assessment form.

Day Twelve: Barbecue, Holy Oils, and Big Books....Oh My!

It is the day after my tears have returned and we are sitting around my parents' kitchen table, eating barbecue, potato salad, baked beans, and other assorted slightly special summertime foods. It is July 4th and there are fireworks on TV as we eat. I did not want to do this today, but felt like it was too late to back out of it. I am still wasted from yesterday's session with Pendragon and still trying to find right side up in my emotions. I take a bite of my barbecue sandwich, but don't really enjoy it. Truthfully, I barely even taste it. Although it may not look like it from the outside, I am miles away inside and want to just eat and go, but we won't be able to get away that quickly. After our late lunch, we will have to wait a bit before dessert and then a bit after that before we can make our excuses and go. Gray and I have already discussed that he will say that we need to leave so we can get home before too late and he can get to bed at his regular time because he has work the next day. It is true, but it is also an excuse.