Sunday Funday 2

Hi all! I'm back for another Sunday Funday!

The past couple of weeks have been kinda hectic and stressful, but I've been trying to be good with avoiding sweets late at night. Y'all, I caved this week. I've had a powerful craving for ice cream for about three weeks and I finally gave in this past Wednesday night. I went to our local Publix grocery store with the plan of getting a half gallon of Publix brand Chocolate Trinity for Gray and a half gallon of some other Publix flavour for me. They have all the usual flavours like chocolate, strawberry, mint chocolate chip, vanilla, neopolitan, etc, but my favourites are the limited edition flavours that only appear at certain times of the year. I've had so much in my head lately that I completely forgot what time of year it was, so when I got to the ice cream section and looked through the gleaming glass doors, I got giddy. This is what I saw:

Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream -- my absolute FAVOURITE limited edition flavour. SO good! I had this flavour for the first time at a friend's son's 2nd birthday party about 7 years ago and was immediately hooked. I think they must put crack in it or something. Seriously. That year I think I bought about 5 or 6 cartons of it between when I had it at the birthday party in October and when they finally stopped making it for the year in December. Every year since then, it has been one of my favourite ways of celebrating that fall is here. This year, instead of the regular Publix brand black carton with a nice looking piece of pumpkin pie on the front, they really went all out. Check out the back of the carton. SO cute!

In case you can't read the words, it says, "Buckle your hat, Raise a spoon, And give thanks for dessert." I love the little Pilgrims, the fall leaves and even the bowl of ice cream with its fall leaf decoration. The cup of coffee is also a nice touch, because who doesn't love a cup of coffee or something steamy hot with dessert after Thanksgiving dinner?

I also love how they included this little bit of trivia on the carton about the little Pilgrim salt and pepper shakers. I had no idea they'd been around that long, but that could be because we've only had Publix in our area for about 15 years or so. About three or four years ago, they started airing a Publix commercial in November that features the little Pilgrims sitting amongst a huge Thanksgiving spread. It's such a great commercial that I think they have aired it every years since it first came out. It's one of those that makes you giggle and smile when you see it. Here, have a look:

This is the top of the carton. Notice how the Pilgrims expressions are different here and they're kinda giving each other a sideways glance! They're very expressive for inanimate objects, don't you think? You can actually buy a pair of these for your Thanksgiving table in pretty much every Publix store around the holidays. They're usually about $5-6, I think, so not too expensive. One of these days, I may get some for our holiday table. Need to do a bit more organization first!

And this is the ice cream....oh sooooo good! It's a pale orange coloured pumpkin flavoured ice cream with pumpkin pie spices, bits of pie crust (which somehow stays kind of crunchy), and a whipped cream swirl throughout. I could seriously eat half the carton in one sitting. As it is, I usually finish it in about four servings! Oh and it's seriously awesome with a tiny bit of the Chocolate Trinity flavour in the bottom of the bowl.

 Earlier in the week, I was at Publix getting dinner items and as I passed the dairy case, these jumped out at me! Y'all know what a nerd I am, so I had a hard time not grabbing one or both of these. They also had an espresso chocolate flavoured Darth Vader one and I discovered online that there's two more. One is a hazelnut flavoured C-3PO and the other is a spiced latte flavoured Chewbacca! FUN! I may need to find the Chewbacca one because I love Chewy and spiced anything in my coffee always sounds yummy this time of year. I told a friend online that it would have been awesome if they'd done a Princess Leia Cinnamon Bun one. I mean, come on. How awesome would that have been?

In other food related news, we had some pretty tasty homemade tamales this evening courtesy of our parish's hispanic ministry. They were selling them to raise funds for some of the projects they do and they were $2 apiece or $15/dozen. M2 has been looking forward to the tamale sale since last Sunday when she spotted the announcement in the weekly bulletin! I wasn't sure how she was going to like them, but she seemed to really enjoy the chicken one she had. AB enjoyed hers too, but our littlest, Miss GB, wouldn't touch them. Hooray for the picky almost-3 year old phase! (Not!)

So that's my fun stuff for this week! See you next week!

Suicide Prevention Week - How You Can Help

Today's the day! It's both World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Day (USA).

One of my favourite charities that works to #StopSuicide is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are so dedicated to working toward their goal of reducing the number of suicides nationwide by 20% by the year 2025. I was so honoured to work with them by participating in one of their two national Overnight Walks this past summer in Boston. Not only was the walk an amazing experience, but my fundraising efforts were added to all the rest to total just over $3 million raised. That money will go to the various programs AFSP has which:

• help educate teachers, school administrators, students, businesses, and other professionals about suicide prevention and how to identify and help those in their schools and workplaces who may be at risk
• help those who have survived the loss of a loved one to suicide with grief support that is tailored to that specific kind of loss
• help local, state, and national government lawmakers create laws which will help raise awareness, educate others, and better enable those who need help to get it
• help raise awareness about suicide prevention through community programs, public service announcements, social media campaigns, billboards and the Field Advocacy program
• and help schools and other large organizations identify individuals who are at risk and help connect them with mental health services

I highly encourage you to consider getting involved with this organization in some way. Suicide is 100% preventable, but no one person can accomplish that feat. I may be wrong, but given that 41, 149 people died by suicide in America in 2013, I'd wager that the vast majority of Americans have been touched, in at least some small way, by suicide.

But being touched by it isn't enough. We need to use that sadness and grief to spur us into action to prevent other deaths. 41,149 deaths by suicide is 41,149 too many.

So what can you do?

1. Share your story of how suicide has touched your life. If it's a personal struggle, it may be very hard to share it, but know that by being courageous, you may just save a life. 
2. If you've already shared your story, keep sharing it. Once is great, but sharing it again and again reaches more people and that's the point of awareness -- to reach as many people as possible with the message.
3. Learn the warning signs of suicide. Check out this great graphic:
   
   Notice that first warning sign -- talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself. The others are very important, but if you hear someone talking about wanting to die, then STOP and PAY ATTENTION. Anyone who exhibits that warning sign should be taken very seriously. 
4. Educate yourself about mental illness. At least 90% (if not more) of people who end their own lives were struggling with a mental illness of some kind. It may have been diagnosed, but often it is something that hasn't been diagnosed for one reason or another. All mental illness carries with it some risk for suicide, but Major Depressive Disorder (aka Depression), Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) are the most common among people who have killed themselves. Learn the symptoms and signs of these illnesses and use that information to help those around you who are struggling. Encourage friends and family to seek out a professional evaluation if you or they suspect they may have a mental illness. A proper diagnosis is CRITICAL to getting proper treatment and going it alone because you're afraid may make things worse.
5. Get involved. Even if you can't do a community or Out of the Darkness walk with the AFSP or raise a lot of money, you can still make a difference. If you have access to a computer, you can #BeTheVoice for those who are struggling and need help by getting the word out via social media. You can do what I do and blog about suicide prevention and mental illness. You can reach out via phone, letters, and emails to your local and state governments and your national representatives and senators. You can write and call local television and radio stations on behalf of someone who is raising money. You can help organize a community walk fundraiser. You can make a commitment to pray every day for those who struggle and those who help them. There's LOTS to do.

I'll close this National Suicide Prevention Day with a special prayer to God, asking for the intercession of my patron saint, St. Dymphna. She is the patroness of mental illness and mental healthcare workers and is someone I've asked to pray for me many, many times. Feel free to pray along with me (the following is from a prayer card I have, hence the odd mention of "nervous disease"):

+ O merciful God, you have willed that St. Dymphna should be invoked as the patroness of nervous and mental disease. Grant that, through the prayer of this youthful martyr of purity, those who suffer from nervous and mental illness may be helped and consoled. I recommend to You in particular those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts that You would send loving hands and hearts to help them out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair and into the light of a new day. Grant them skilled and compassionate mental healthcare workers, a strong network of support, and the strength to persevere to the natural end of their lives. Through Christ, Our Lord. Amen. +

Suicide Prevention Week - Important Numbers To Know

Graphic courtesy of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

 This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. I had intended to write a bit about this topic each day, but life happens. Better late than never!

This is topic is SO important, so expect to see more than one post in the next few days. I'll be giving you some information, passing along some links, and hopefully, this will stick in your head so that if you encounter someone in crisis or you find yourself in crisis, you'll be better educated and ready to help.

First up -- the two most important phone numbers you need to know:

Graphic courtesy of suicidepreventionlifeline.org

This is, as it says, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It's totally free and available 24/7 every day of the year. When you call, the national number patches you through to the crisis center nearest you, which takes just a minute or so and then a trained crisis worker will answer your call. That person can be a listening ear and a resource for finding mental health services in your area. You can call even if you're not the one in crisis, but you're trying to help someone who is or you're worried about someone who is in crisis and don't know what to do. The entirety of the call is confidential as well. If you are calling because you are in crisis, don't worry about saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say, just make the call. So many times when I've been in a crisis situation, just being able to vent all my feelings to someone who will listen and not judge has been helpful enough to get me to a place where the feelings I'm feeling are a bit less intense. It's gotten me through the darkest of things so that I could get myself somewhere safe and with someone who could help me get through the rest of the crisis.

In an extreme emergency, the other number you can call is:

Graphic courtesy of 911.gov

This is, of course, valid in most of the United States and Canada, although it may not be a valid emergency number in other countries. Check with your local government to find the proper number for your area. If you are travelling abroad, here are a few of the most common emergency numbers:

• Most of Europe -- 112; in the UK and Ireland you can dial 999 as well as 112
• Australia -- 000
• New Zealand -- 111
• Parts of Africa -- 112 or 999
• Central and South America -- 911, 112, or 999 -- depending on the country

Calling 911 in this situation would be most appropriate when you are concerned about someone and are unable to be present with them. I had a friend who was concerned about me in college who did this. He was several states away and called 911. The dispatcher near him found out where I lived and where I went to school and alerted campus security who came and knocked on my door. He saved me from making a very big and potentially fatal mistake. You can also call if you are with someone and feel as though the situation is getting out of control (i.e. they've locked themselves in a bathroom with their means or potential means and they're not responding) or if you feel unable to help them on your own. If someone is seriously contemplating suicide, don't be afraid to dial 9-1-1 for help. This is definitely an emergency.

Next up: some resource links for helping yourself or helping someone you know who may be contemplating suicide.

Sunday Funday 1

I thought since a lot of the stuff I write is more serious in nature, that it might be a good idea to take a break from that on Sundays. With that in mind, I give you something I'm going to call Sunday Funday. The basic idea behind it is that I'll be sharing something lighthearted with you. It might be a fun memory from the week, an anecdote from my kids, a song that makes me smile or feel good, some fun experience I had, a neat product I like (or one I've just found), etc. You get the idea. I may not do this every Sunday and may occasionally write a serious post too, but I'll try to come up with something a bit more fluffy for Sundays :)

Before I get started, a quick shout out to my friend Tara at Praying on the Prairie because her Sunday Blessings posts are kind of the inspiration for this idea. Thanks friend!

****

So for this week, I wanted to share with you something I really rarely share with anyone. It's not that it's such a big secret really, just not something I tend to talk about much because I like to talk about other stuff more. So what is it?

It's my must-have list of personal care items.

Yeah, I told you this was going to be fluffy :) These are the things that I use on a regular basis and carry with me if I'm going to be away from home overnight. I call them personal care items rather than "beauty" items because they make me feel cared for physically when I use them. I suppose I could call them self-care items too since they are part of what I do to self-care. 

****Oh, and Gray, feel free to not read any further. I know this isn't exactly your cup of tea so I don't expect you to read all of this. Love you, sweetheart!****

Yeah, I know it's a little beat-up looking. Truth be told, I think this jar was one of Gray's that I swiped.

1. Carmex lip balm -- I love this stuff. Seriously. It's one of the best things for chapped lips that I've ever found. I prefer having it in the little 0.25 oz jars and applying it with a finger, but I've used the squeeze tubes and even the regular roll-up tubes (like ChapStick) too. I always apply this at night before I go to sleep and whenever I feel like my lips are a little dry. I also use it occasionally for the odd pimple or cold sore and it helps a lot. I have been known to tuck it in my purse or pocket if I'm going to be gone from home all day.

This stuff has such a pleasant smell!

2. Olay Night Firming Cream -- This is my go-to moisturizer for night time, although I do use it during the day time if I need to (just a thinner layer). It has a great feel to it and soaks in nicely without leaving your skin feeling greasy or bogged down. I usually spread it on a bit thicker at night and I really enjoy the ritual of smoothing it into my face and neck. There's something rather soothing about feeling a good face cream dissipate into your clean skin as you rub it in. Since I'm approaching 40 and already have a few faint lines started, I'm kinda thinking maybe this will help keep those lines from deepening and slow down the emergence of new ones (it's firming and all, you know?). Whether or not that happens, it's still a nice little bedtime ritual and makes me feel good. I also use the Equate (aka Walmart) brand of this stuff too.

This is the lightest colour shade available. Thankfully, it actually works! #PalePeopleProblems

3. Covergirl BB Cream -- This is a relatively new find for me. I'd read about BB creams, but never tried one until earlier this year. It's supposed to do all these amazing things for your skin, but I can't really tell that it does or doesn't. Mostly, I love it because it's not as heavy as a standard foundation, but not as light as a tinted moisturizer. It gives really nice coverage and goes on really easily. I usually use a little square makeup sponge to apply mine, but I have used my finger tips when I was in a hurry. I like this particular one because it has an SPF 21 in it which helps protect my Super Pale skin from getting too much sun. Given my family history of skin cancer, that's something I am concerned about too.

These things are SO handy!

4. Equate Makeup Remover Cleansing Towelettes -- This is what I use to remove that BB cream and other makeup products. I buy the Equate brand of these almost exclusively, but if you can't abide a store brand, these are equivalent to the Neutrogena brand makeup remover cleansing towelettes. The reason I buy the Equate brand is because they're SO much cheaper than the name brand. Plus, you can get them in a trial size pack which is awesome for travelling. I bought one of those for my trip to Boston this summer and had enough left to use it for my Five Minute Friday retreat weekend too. My favourite thing about these is how easy they are to use and well they work. You just grab one, wipe your face with it and the makeup comes right off. They smell nice and leave your face feeling clean and soft. Plus there's no need to rinse afterward, so they're perfect for someone who is perpetually sleep and energy deprived. I just wipe my face clean, toss the wipe in the garbage, and I'm done. I sometimes use these when I'm not wearing makeup but feel like my face is grimy and needs cleaning.

These were my colours for summer this year!

5. Nail polish -- Oh friends. This is a bit of an addiction, I think. I love me some nail polish. My bestie Sif and I are kinda hard-core about it. We love to paint our nails -- fingers and toes. There's something about having freshly painted fingernails and toenails that makes me feel pretty and feminine. Given that I'm not exactly a dainty woman, this is a big deal. The two bottles in the picture are what I wore a lot this past spring and summer. I used to love reds and pinks, but in the past couple of years, I've really gravitated toward blues -- teal, aqua, royal blue, TARDIS blue, sky, navy, sparkly -- all of them. They make me feel more youthful and fun as well as a little bit sophisticated. I also find that there's something sort of calming about wearing blue nail polish too.

Those are my top five personal care products. What are some of your favourite personal care must-haves?

Five Minute Friday: Yes

This is my contribution, done in however many minutes it takes me, to the Five Minute Friday community. I don't do it by the rules, but if you want to, go check it out at Kate Motaung's blog, Heading Home. Just click on the link at the top for Five Minute Friday to find out what it's all about. This week's prompt is....

YES

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin’s name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, “Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you.” But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” And the angel said to her in reply, “The holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God. And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her. (Luke 1:26-38)

I have read this passage of scripture many times. It's one of the texts that is often read at Christmas, because it has to do with the birth of Jesus. So many times as I read this growing up, I saw Mary's part in it as just one of someone who is the recipient of a message. More to the point, I saw it as a command from God that was delivered by the angel Gabriel. That's certainly the point of view that seemed to be preached from the pulpit in my Southern Baptist church, even if not specifically stated as such.

Given the language of the text, that is how it reads, but reading it with Mary as simply a passive recipient of this seemingly commanding message misses the point. It ignores that Mary, like all human beings, was created by God with free will. In my rush to see her as nothing more than Jesus' mother who happened to be specially chosen by God, I ignored this critical aspect of her humanity. I say it is critical because if we assume that she had no choice in the matter, then we negate the many scriptures that speak of man's ability to choose right from wrong -- including the ones in Genesis which tell how our first parents, Adam and Eve, exercised their free will in a way that created a need for Christ to come in the first place. If Mary is simply a robot who cannot say no to God, then she becomes unimportant in the overall story of our redemption.

But she is important and the reason is because she said YES.

There is a vast amount of power in those three letters. People's lives have been spared or ended by them. Nations have gone to war because of them. Sacred bonds have been forged by them. Kings have been created and men brought to their knees by them. They bring both infinite joy and great sorrow in their affirming power.

Mary's "yes" -- which we call her "fiat" in Latin -- brought about the greatest joy in human history. Her fiat made possible our salvation. Her yes enabled our redemption. This is why we as Catholics sometimes refer to her by the title Co-Mediatrix of All Graces. It isn't that she has an equal role as mediator between us and the Father, but rather that she said "yes" in order to bring Jesus into the world to die for us so that the gift of God's grace which mediates our sin before the Father might be possible.

Look at this verse from the passage again:

Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.”

This is the part where she gives her "yes" to God. She uses the language of submission, but it isn't submission that has come about because she has no choice. Given that all human beings are created with free will, Mary certainly could have said "no." Think of the situation that she found herself in -- betrothed to Joseph and not married. You can imagine that many young women in her shoes might have indeed said "no." But that's not what she does. She instead submits willingly -- "May it be done to me according to your word." -- to what God is asking of her. It is a yes that is borne out of a love for God and a desire to serve Him completely.

It is this total and purposeful surrender to God's will that makes Mary a model for all Christians. It is why Christians throughout the ages have revered and honored her in art, song, and literature. It is why she is often referred to as the chief of saints and why she is accorded special honor above the rest of the saints.

Mary's yes brought Jesus into the world so that we might be reconciled to God the Father and so that Eve's disobedience and her "no" might be undone. Her yes gave Jesus His specific human nature and the flesh that bore our sins, was Mary's DNA in Him. Her yes brought the Word Incarnate into the world through the ordinary means of human conception, pregnancy, and childbirth.

As Christians, outside of Jesus, we can have no better model than Mary on which to base our faith and devotion to Our Lord. If we fully submit ourselves to His will, then He can use our ordinary human flesh and our ordinary human means to bring the Word Incarnate to a world in need.

We need only say, "Yes" to Him.

The Greatest of These Is Love

After the kids are long since tucked in bed, Gray and I quite often spend time together just talking about one thing or another. Sometimes it's housekeeping sorts of things like, "Don't forget that I have an appointment tomorrow evening with Pendragon.." or "Honey, if you go out tomorrow, we're about out of milk and cat litter." Other times it's conversations about the kids and what is going on with them or something between us that we wanted to discuss in greater detail in private. A lot of times though, we talk about theology, politics, and the state of the world. Those last topics are some of my favourite conversations.

A topic that we go back to again and again and that we talked about earlier tonight is that of Christian charity. What prompted it was the fact that today on Facebook I ran across two rather disturbing instances where someone who was professing Christ was behaving in a way that was less than charitable.

Both of these situations broke my heart.

You might find that a bit of an overreaction, but it's the truth. Whenever I find Christians speaking to their fellow Christians or nonbelievers in a way that is hateful, angry, spiteful, or just rude, it hurts my heart. You see, I love people. I am a big lover of people from way back. I'm a hugger and kisser and an "Oh bless your heart!" and "How can I help?" and an "I love you, my friend!" kind of person. I don't know why exactly, but I've always been this way. My base instinct is to see the good in others and, if they will allow me, help them see it in themselves. All of that is born out of a desire to love others as God loves me. Even when I was a small child, I was this way. When I gave my heart to Jesus at age 6, it became even more important to me to love on others in the way that He loved me. It's just who I am and, for the most part, comes easily to me.

This isn't to say that I've never been uncharitable or that I lack the capacity for such things. Quite the reverse is true. I know there have been times in my life when I have been less than kind and loving. I also know that there have been many, many times when I have nearly bitten my tongue (or sat on my hands as it were) to hold back a snarky or nasty retort and then have let it all spill out of my mouth later on to an understanding friend. I say all of this because I don't want you to think I'm some kind of saint or angel. I'm not. I definitely aspire to be a saint, but I fall short of the mark quite a lot.

So what was our conversation about tonight? Well, it was me recounting the two incidents I'd witnessed and my frustration at the people involved who were so hateful. I told Gray that I just couldn't understand why they would say those things, why they couldn't seem to see how rude and unkind they were being. Without giving you all the details, one of the people was basically bashing an atheist friend of mine over the head with his beliefs about the state of her soul and the other was a group of people who were name-calling over the issue of their belief that the way they worship Jesus is better, more holy, and more perfect than the way another group of Christians worship Jesus. In each scenario, the victims of these attacks responded with great charity and grace and that was thrown back in their face as though they had replied with vindictiveness and vitriol.

I just don't understand that at all. It seems abundantly clear to me that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable for someone who professes the name of Christ. Look at Matthew 22:34-40:

When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Love God and love your neighbour as yourself. How hard is this to understand? It's really not rocket science and yet, I run across many more people than I care to count who seem to forget this when they are engaged in a discussion about faith with someone with whom they disagree. They seem to get so caught up in the whole "love God" that they forget the second half of it which Jesus says is like it -- love of neighbour.

Why is the second commandment like the first? That's pretty simple too. It is a manifestation of the first commandment. If you love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind, then the natural outpouring of all that love for God is love for your neighbour. It is an active thing that involves good works like feeding the hungry, visiting the imprisoned, clothing the naked, etc. It is also something that involves submitting our hearts, minds, and flesh to His grace to be molded into His will and transformed into the model of neighbourly charity to all we meet. That means being loving, kind, generous, humble in spirit, willing to admit when we are wrong, and choosing our words carefully when we are faced with disagreements with those around us.

Is it easy? Sometimes. But then again, sometimes it's ridiculously hard. That's when God is giving us the opportunity to practice. A lot of times that practice is uncomfortable and frankly, hurts. But you know what? Change often hurts -- especially the kind that takes practice -- but it's what we're called to. We are called to be changed so dramatically that when those around us look at us, they see He who is Perfect Love and Absolute Truth staring back at them. When we are working toward this transformation with sincere hearts and effort, then we fully understand the first commandment. It is then when we fully understand what it means to love God so completely.

I don't know about you, but I want that. I want to be so fiercely in love with God, so conformed to who He is, that this whole "love your neighbour" thing is as easy as breathing. There is something that I feel deep inside me that is hungry for this transformation, for this infusion of grace that changes men and moves mountains. I've pursued this for nearly my entire life because it is who He made me to be and the bottom line is that I love Him and I know by virtue of my creation that He loves me.

I'll admit that sometimes I struggle with feeling His love and sometimes I wonder if I actually do love Him because of the anger I feel at times. I have felt abandoned and lonely and alone and so heartbroken and hurt by His silence that I have wondered if I should turn away from Him and go my own way. But the imprint of His love, given to me by virtue of my humanity, that imprint so long tended, polished, and lovingly cherished, hidden away in the very depths of my being is what kept me trying to love Him despite the lack of everything that I felt and the darkness of my thoughts toward Him. That imprint of Perfect Love made manifest in the Eucharist, the holy oils of Anointing, the words of absolution in Confession, and in the sacramental love shared with Gray is what has saved me from walking away. It is what has saved me from myself in those dark moments when I have used life to inhale death. That Perfect Love is what has continued to draw me forward toward Him despite not wanting anything to do with faith or God or any of it.

I haven't done it on my own though. I've had an abundance of love from the neighbours all around me. In fact, when I suddenly couldn't feel God's love in a direct way (something I still don't really feel), it was the love of neighbours -- Gray, Sif, Fr. B, Chez, Rikert, Tara, and in his professional way, Pendragon -- that touched my heart, encouraged me to keep breathing and moving forward in obedience, and kept me from killing myself on more than one occasion. I have been blessed to have the love of many neighbours, especially online (shout out to all my awesome Board friends -- love y'all!!!) and many of whom did nothing more than pray for me in my hour of need, knowing nothing more than what Chez posted as a prayer request on his blog (Love you, big brother!) You see, I have been the recipent of that "love your neighbour as yourself" love from those around me in such a profound way that it made that Perfect Love of God manifest to me when I was unable to see Him or find Him on my own.

So you see, love of God is important -- the most important thing we can do -- because He is deserving of ALL our love and that includes the gift we give the rest of His creation when we......wait for it.......

.....love our neighbour.

That's all I've got. Peace be with you!

Five Minute Friday: Alone

This is my contribution, done in however many minutes it actually takes me, to the Five Minute Friday community. I don't do it by the rules, but if you want to, go check it out at Kate Motaung's blog, Heading Home. Just click the link at the top for Five Minute Friday to find out what it's all about. This week's prompt is....

ALONE

I am a naturally gregarious person and thrive when surrounded by friends and family that I love. I even thrive, to a lesser extent, when I'm in new situations with new people. I love getting to know people. I wouldn't say that I'm "the life of the party" but I would say that I definitely know how to mix and mingle in the crowd.

Given those aspects of my personality, you might think that I never feel alone, but I have and I do.

I know I talk about it a lot, but one of the things that makes depression feel so bad sometimes is that quite often, you feel alone in going through it. Obviously, this is the disease lying to you, but it is such a crafty and convincing liar, that you wind up believing it and that can be very bad. If depression can convince you that you are alone and no one else is struggling with it, then it makes it all the easier for depression's malicious twin to settle in whose name is despair.

Everyone feels alone sometimes, but when you feel desperately alone, it can cloud your judgment to the point that your ability to make good decisions is impaired. This is especially true of depression and feeling alone. People who feel that level of desperate loneliness while depressed often wind up wondering why they bother fighting the disease at all and those thoughts may lead to thoughts of suicide or a suicide attempt. People who survive a suicide attempt or a near-attempt quite often express the feelings that led up to that moment as hopeless, despondent, and alone. Hopeless and despondent are hard enough, but combine loneliness on top of it and it's a recipe for a very bad situation. 

While I have felt alone at many times in my life, I've never felt so alone as I did on July 10, 2013. Because I felt so utterly alone, I made a decision that irrevocably changed the course of my fight with depression and my life in the process. It was such an intense feeling of being absolutely and totally alone and with no one who was willing to hear me, see me, or believe me that I simply gave up. I gave into the pressure of a very bad situation and allowed myself to be bullied into something I never wanted to do. The end result was that when it was over, I was so much worse off than I would have been had I felt some kind of support and presence of another person who had my back.

I have looked back on that day many times and asked myself what I could have done differently. There are things I've come up with, but the reality is that I was all alone and, in addition, was very emotionally weak and vulnerable. The reality is that being alone and vulnerable made me collapse when I would have normally stood strong, fold when I would have fought, and allow myself to be manipulated by a big corporate machine when, under any other circumstances, I would have told them where to stick it and walked out. The loneliness of that moment led to me making the worst decision of my life and having to live with the consequences of that decision even some two years later.

Being alone has its positives too. I am largely quite an extrovert. That means that I tend to feel energized when around others. That is true in some respects, but I have a suspicion that my extrovertedness falls very close to the line between extrovert and introvert, because I also feel renewed in energy when I spend some time alone. This is particularly true if I have been spending a lot of time around a lot of people or a lot of time with people who, for lack of a better way to put it, drain me emotionally. When I get away from those situations, I feel a sense of relief and need some time alone or just hanging out with Gray or my bestie Sif to recharge my batteries. A true introvert would probably need to be totally alone, but I'm alone enough with one or two people in a relatively quiet environment. One place that I enjoy being totally alone is in the shower. It's nice to just relax under the hot water and I find that I do some of my best thinking as I'm shampooing my hair and washing the sweat and dirt off the rest of me.

Lately, I've really enjoyed alone time with Jesus. When I go to visit Fr. B for spiritual direction, he almost always hears my confession and then for my penance tells me to spend some time in the church before Jesus in the tabernacle. The first time I did it, I figured I'd spend 10-15 minutes and then leave. I wound up being there an hour and a half. I was amazed as I had no idea that I'd been there that long talking with Jesus and allowing Him to speak to my heart. I prayed and sang and cried and prayed and cried some more. I spent a good long time prostrate on my face crying amidst my prayers.

An hour and a half later as I was leaving I felt like I had left a huge weight there with Him. Even my body felt lighter. I also wound up having one of the most restful, peaceful naps that I've had in ages which was something that I dearly needed as I'd been up most of the previous week or two with nightmares every night and horrible insomnia. Thereafter, every time I go for confession with Fr. B, I spend a good hour at least, if not more, alone with Jesus. I think it might be healing something. I don't know. I would like to think it's helping some.

This way of doing Five Minute Friday is all new to me and I think I like it. I think it is going to work much better for me -- even if I wind up doing it this way, my way, all alone.